Rage Attacks

[electricstorm]

Okay I'm not a child, but I know that a lot of parents on here and Drs have the up to date information that I need.

History: I have a long history of abuse and loss. I was put up for adoption at 8 months old.  I was sexually and physically abused from age 2-7. My adoptive mother who I loved very much abandoned me and blamed me for her leaving. My dad and stepmom were not able to deal with my problems. I had developmental disability, ADD, sexual acting out, and often felt like I  needed to fight or hide. At 16 they had me locked up for two years. During that time I talked to them 15 minutes a week at the most and they visited me for 1-3 days every 3-5 months. I picked up new issues at the center and came out worse than before behaviorally and mentally. My stepmother didn't care though because I was no longer living with her and was not her responsibility. They continued to help me financially and sometimes as a support system of sorts. Over all though I felt isolated and exiled.

Medical : I have mitral valve prolapse with regurgitation and dysautonomia. I have frequent panic attacks and they seem to be increasing each year. This makes everyday activities very difficult. I get afraid to check email or phone messages because it could cause me to lose it.

Main Problem. 1-3 times a month and lately more often I have panic/rage attacks. They can involve psychosis in that I may hear people say things that they didn't say (maybe, or they are lying)  I also do not think rationally. I feel like electricity is running through my body. If I catch it soon enough I can leave the situation, smoke a cigarette or use snus (I am not a smoker so using this 3-5 times a month gives me such a nicotine high it clears my mind and slows my body. So far it's worked everytime. Even in the middle of an attack it can stop it within ten minutes. I hurt myself by punching myself in the head, stabbing myself with pens/needles/keys, beating myself with heavy pans, slapping my face, punching my eyes, eating strange things, breaking things I value. I will do this whether or not others are present. It can last for up to 8 hours. By that time I am nauseus and sick and have closed eye hallucinations. If someone is there and says something very mean to me (everytime this occured they confirmed later they did say it) I might bite them or hit them (not causing injury besides bite marks that may last a few hours, but do not break the skin I weight 110 lbs and have jaw problems) , but that is rare.
My question is what is the name for this? My main diagnosis is schizoaffective, but I don't really understand why I got that label. In 8 years I've had 4 visual hallucinations, I don't have bizarre auditory ones but if I'm passing in a hallway I might here some one say "she's fat," "she smells," "look at the freak," eye witnesses say they did not say those things. If I hear people laughing when they walk by sometimes I think they are laughing at me. One day I heard people making machine noises, but I knew it wasn't real. I may have delusions, I only have had a few I am convinced are delusions.

The second thing I want to know is there anything besides nicotine I can try? I am very embarrassed and disgusted with myself for a long time after each episode. It's not fair for my friends to have to deal with this and it's very painful to be raging in your home for hours howling and desperate. I have tried many drugs Risperdol, Tegritol, Neurontin, Prozac, Paxil, Provigil, Abilify, Hydergene, Ritalin, Valium, Compazine, and I don't want to take any more dangerous drugs. I developed tardive dysklenisia and at times could not formulate sentences and was slurring. I felt like the words were there but my brain was only working sporatically so it could take 5 mintues to utter a sentence. As a writer this was painful for me. I have undergone 12 ECT treatments. I found them frightening and I lost a lot of important memories. After the 3rd one I felt sort of okay for 2 weeks thats the longest improvement I've had on them. After my 8th treatment I tried to kill myself to avoid further shocks. I have spent 2 years locked up. I have spent weeks straight in solitary confinement (therapeutic intervention) people did come in to bring me food and bring me to the bathroom. I was allowed no books and no one talked to me.

I do not want treatments like that. It can be dangerous to ask for help.
As it is I am able to attend college classes and sometimes get straight A's, I drive, have my own place (though I need to clean it up right now), I have a few friends, I have a boyfriend, I do hobbies, I write 10 pages a week, I read, I go to movies, I go to museums, I even travel by myself. I have no criminal record though I have been briefly hospitalized ( a matter of hours) twice in the past 4 years.
I want advice that is safe and can be done within the community. Please no nasty people who feel like they need to pick on me or spout their righteous views that I'm a sick or bad person and thus need to be locked up. Look in the mirror no one is perfect.

[margypops]

There is a PTSD forum you may find useful aswell to post there a lot of folks that have been through similar Trauma as your self go there, Good luck

[margypops]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I am sorry for your suffering,I can see you are a writer as your thread is very well set out and interesting, The last part of your post is what you can focus on, you say you are going to college classes, have friiends a place of your own ,a Boyfriend, hobbies, these are as much and more than most of us do and hope for in our lives.,Have you got your Profile up and running yet, the journal is there and a lot of folks write down their feelings and get comments back, I find it very helpful,we dont have many nasty people on Med Help I have always found that I have been helped enormously here. I am sure you will find the same Empathy,