SERIOUS trouble with my 5 year old!!!

[mrsbishop1231]

Oh my gosh! It's all so overwhelming I don't really know where to start. I'll do my best. My son is 5 years old and has a LONG list of problems and behaviors that I think are not normal for a child. First of all let me say that I am no longer with his father because of all of the problems that he had including being physically and mentally abusive to me. My sons father is 27 years old now and still lives with his mother. She has to do everything for him or he throws a fit. He absolutely will NOT take no for an answer which is something my son has inherited. He can't hold down a job and even though her and her husband are not well off financially they support him 98% of the time. So, on to my son. Like I said he is 5 years old. It has been some time now since he's had a really bad tantrum but when he does he will hit, kick, scratch, bite me, pull my hair, and call me a damn *****. He will throw dining room chairs and has picked up my coffee table and thrown it over. Now..let me say when things like this happen it is because he didn't get his way about something which may be as small as me picking him up from his grandmothers and 10 miles down the road he realizes he forgot to give his cousin a hug and wants me to turn around and go back. Sometimes things this small will send him into orbit and sometimes he just kind of whines. He terrorizes his older siblings by hitting them or taking their things and hiding them, or by looking under the bathroom door while they are using the restroom. (They are all girls) He feels absolutely no sense of remorse when he hurts someone and you CANNOT get him to apologize when he has hurt someone. He can make someone cry, and it may even be accidental, but he refuses to apologize. He NEVER takes responsibility for the things that he does, it is always someone elses fault. He's really strange about a lot of things like he refuses to take pictures at school, you have to seriously force him to take medication. We have to hold him down. Not long ago he had pink eye and even though the eye drops don't hurt he fought us EVERY time. Kicking screaming and cussing. As far as the cussing goes I can't tell you how many times I have put soap in his mouth. (Go on and tell me how horrible I am) He is hyperactive, destructive, disobedient, mean, and just downright BAD! What prompted me to write this was because tonight when he got ready to go to bed he realized that he had left his favorite stuffed animal that he sleeps with at my mothers house. I told him that it was way too late to go back and get it because grandma was asleep and he just absolutely would not have it. He screamed and screamed until he fell asleep and then he woke up screaming shortly there after. I tried to talk him into getting one of his other animals (he has tons) and no amount of explaining or trying to compromise kept him from throwing a huge trantrum. I'm talking ear shattering screams for an hour. OVER NOTHING!!!!!!! It's a stuffed donkey for crying out loud. Here's the clincher. He's been in daycare since August of last year and not ONE time have I gotten a bad report on him, and when my good friend use to babysit him he NEVER gave her any problem, but no matter what I try to do I can't get him to behave. I mean he would try her but it usually didn't get very far before he gave up. WHY WHY WHY does he push me so hard??? I don't understand. I have spanked him, made him sit in time out, taken things from him or not let him do things that he liked to do. Nothing has worked. I am at my wits end I love my son so much but I loathe his behavior. I get SO angry because he acts just like his father and I know how worthless he is and I'm scared that my son is going to be just like him. I'm not rich and I can't afford counseling, but guess what, he wouldn't talk to a counselor if I took him to one. I'd bet the farm on that. He doesn't talk to strangers. Period. I could go on forever and I'm sure there are other little things that he does, but after this tantrum I just made it through my energy is zapped. Someone please give me some advice. I'm starting to lose it.

[specialmom]

Mrs.Bishop---------  Oh I am so glad!!!  That is such good news and I'm happy to help in any way I can. You are a good mom for being open minded as I said and making some alterations tailored to your son's unique needs.  I am just so pleased to hear that things went well today and you have such a posative attitude about the future!  Best of luck to you and contact me any time and let me know how it is going.  

[mrsbishop1231]

Oh my goodness I can't thank you enough!! I am so excited about what happened today. My son has always had serious issues about going to the doctor. I mean it's truly an embarassing situation because he won't let them do the simplest of tasks. He won't let them weigh him, look in his ears, he won't answer any of their questions. NADA! BUT today I had to take him to the doctor because he has an ear infection and I let him take his precious donkey with him (which let me add  that this donkey is the same size of my 5 year old son) and do you know it went perfectly!! Today was the first time ever that he stood on a scale on his own. The first time we didn't literally have to hold him down and force him to comply. The first time he didn't curse the doctor! I am so excited! I would have never dreamed that huge stuffed donkey could make such a difference in the way he handled things. It doesn't even matter that everyone was starring at us!! Excuse me for going on but this was a red letter day for us. Thanks again for giving me another way to view things with my son.

[benjimom]

Sounds tough, but be glad he is not doing these behaviors at school or with sitters, etc.  You would have a LOT bigger issues on your hands.  I wonder if he has seen his father treat you poorly calling you names, etc and he is modeling it.  IT's tough, but he's had a poor role model, you do your best. It's not easy being a single parent either.  

Sounds like the Dad might have a personality disorder, some people cannot get along with ANYBODY.  His parents are enabling him by keepig him supported all the time, btu that's another story!!

[specialmom]

I would say that maybe enviromentally his father contributes to the problem but your son does well in school, at daycare, with your mother and your friend.  You aren't usually selectively mood disordered.  So, I would factor in the info regarding the father and his family without thinking that is the whole picture.  

Mrs.bishop------  I want to commend you for being so open minded.  That tells me that things will get better.  Sometimes seeing something from a child's point of view, helps us understand why they are acting the way they are.  And sometimes when I child does something other children don't . . .  instead of getting mad about it but understanding it makes for a permanent solution.  You are on the right track to look at this as a "family" situation that all can work on as that you have control over.  

I wish you lots of luck and am happy to offer any type of ideas or help that I can any time.  

[mrsbishop1231]

His father has a LOT of problems. He has anger and control issues. He has been told that he is bipolar but I don't think so. He can't hold down a job because he is unable to have healthy normal relationships with anyone. Not a significant other, his parents or siblings, or coworkers. He has no friends. He gets a job and claims that everyone is "messing" with him, or they are mean to him. He's just really strange. I don't even know how to fully explain it at all. He's a big baby. He cries about everything and he can't do anything for himself. His mom does EVERYTHING for him including financially supporting him most of the time. It's just all a HUGE mess. I defend my relationship with him because he hid all of this very well for quite some time. When I met him he was living on his own, had a job, and his own vehicle. It wasn't until much later that I found out the only reason he had the place was because that's where his mom put him to get him out of her house. She probably paid for it. Uh..I don't even know, like I said it's just all a big mess. I just want to help my son so he isn't just like his father. I understand his need for stability, and I feel like he is pretty stable. He has a routine as far as going to daycare everyday and then going to dads (which is also grandma's) every other weekend. He loves going over there though and his grandparents are wonderful but I can't help wondering if his grandmother isn't repeating the same behavior with my son as she did with hers, and that's why he acts the way he does.

[Natta1980]

He sounds very frustrated. Probably needs more stability. He could be feeding off negative attention as well.
Does father suffer from mood disorder by any chance? From your description, there must be something going on with the father, and chemical imbalances may be inherited.......However, the fact that he has no bad reports from daycare is certainly promising.....

Good luck

[mrsbishop1231]

Thank you for all of your advice. I don't look at it as coming down hard on me. I told the truth about the way things are because I needed someone to give me some good tips. I think I can take a lot of what you said and put it to good use. I never thought about the situation with the animal the way you put it. It makes perfect sense. It is so good to get good opinions from someone on the outside looking in. Thanks again!!

[specialmom]

Oh my.  Breath.  Parenting is hard work and not always a bed of flowers.  So breath breath breath.  Here is something that I picked up from your story--------  your son is jostled around a LOT.  He's at dad's, grandma's, daycare, friends, etc.  Kids do need stability.  I find the story about the stuffed animal sad.  Yes, it is just a stuffed animal to us but to a child that is looking for stability, that stuffed animal offers it.  It was his "special" as we call a few items like that in our house.  It gives him comfort and maybe he needs that.  So instead of being so mad all of the time, think of things from his point of view.  Empathy would have served you and he much better in that scenario.  You write of how bad, rotten, mean, etc. that he is.  Do you think he realizes that you don't like him much and that is why he behaves better for everyone else?  You need to take a breather here and think about that and make sure you are providing more postative reinforcement than negative.  

I'd work from the premise that all children like to feel good about themselves.  Give choices when you can so that he feels like he has some control.  That is a psychological recommendation for that age range given all of the time.  It really helps kids in a situation handle it better.  If he is really upset about something, see it from his point of view.  Hugging cousing for example,  well-------  he is dropped off and picked up and having fun with cousin.  It is important to him.  He might have not been fully ready to go but you were so he must go that minute.  Once in a blue moon, it is okay to say to a child that is clearly showing distress that your son is . . .  ya know what honey, tonight I have a couple of extra minutes.  We can go back and give him a hug or if you wait to hug him until next time, we can read an extra book tonight (or whatever).  I believe in sticking with what I say and consistencey, but your child sounds very sad to me.  He's only 5 and you really do have to think about how his world feels to him in order to better parent him.  

I'd try to make him your "little helper".  Be a team with him.  Reward him with much hoot and hollering when he does something right.  When he does leave without any fuss, thank him.  Notice it out loud so he starts to  like that feeling.  Try a reward chart that results in a favorite activity with you.  

As far as the stuff about his dad------  well, you picked him.  Can't change that now.  If somone is using curse words around him, I would bring it to their attention that your son is picking up on that and ask them to please be aware and not do it.  I'd also try to have a friendly relationship with his father and grandmother since you will have to work with them as a team to help with your boy.  

I honestly think that I would consider some parenting classes.  Not all children are the same and some are definately more difficult than others.  And since things are only bad with you that shows that this boy has no disorder or delay but it is more relative to enviroment.  School's will often run programs for parents or community centers or hospitals.  I'm not trying to come down on you but really trying to help. And that is my best advice.  He's 5 and needs help and guidance.  You might be in a better position to do that with some expert help in your skills.  Wishing you lots of luck with your son and everything.