What do I say or do?

[swaitsman]

I have 3 children, all boys ages 8, 6 and 1. I am 28 yrs old and recently seperated from my husband, so its mostly me and the children..but they do see their father on a regular basis, to make for an easier transition for them. My oldest son (8yrs) has recently become very interested in sex. Im not really even sure how he knows about what goes on during sex, unless he sees or hears things at school. I have always been open about where babies come from and even had him in the delivery room when our youngest was born (he didnt see anything close up) but he has been making comments about sex while playing around with his younger brother (6yrs) and they do the motions and everything. I tell them its not funny and that they need to stop. They apologize and carry on. But its happening more frequently. Now tonight my oldest told me that he had something embarrasing to tell me, saying that he had a dream about me naked and he had s-e-x with me. He and I have always been very close and open with eachother, he asks me on occasion if he can see my "boobies", obviously I tell him no and try not to make a big deal out of it. He will tell me when he has an erection...things like that. But I dont want him to think any type of intimacy is wrong so I dont make a big issue out of it, just tell him its ok, or innapropriate depending on what he is telling me. Is it strange for him to have a dream about me like this? Or is it a stage where boys are just curious and have a sort of "mommy crush?" Or should I make an appointment for him to talk to someone? I just dont want to lose the trust and openness that Ive worked so hard to gain from him. Thanks

[aid821]

To start with i think you should be congratulated with having the type of relationship you have with your kids, having open lines of communication like you do. Although overwhelming, it's great that your kids can come and ask/tell you anything that's on your mind. It could to some extent be a 'mum crush' but i think it's an overwhelming curiousity and that fact that your son is a great communicator meant telling you the dream he had.

Again with the curiousity, he knows that you're the only female in the family, i mean his brothers don't have 'boobies'. It's also great you had the talk about nobody touching their bodies/privates etc. Keep reinforcing that message and aswell as the message that inappropriate behaviour (simulated sex) etc is not on. Although you might not realise it yet, it will make it alot easier to talk about these things as they approach puberty, as you have great communication with them in regards to these issues already. all the best :) (did i say communication to much haha)

[swaitsman]

Thank you for your reply. I did read about the oedipus complex, which states the "mom crush" usually happens between the ages of 3 and 5. But he still says these things to me. He is somewhat delayed..he was diagnosed with a communication delay..so I dont know if maybe this is why this behavior is just starting (its been going on for about a year...telling me that he is going to marry me and being interested in my body) but now that it has reached a whole new level, with the "sex dream" Im a little confused as to what I should do.

I understand about the types of intimacy, and when it comes up, I discuss these things with him. I am honest and willing to speak to my children about anything they ask if I believe it is appropriate. And the sex topic came up at a pretty early age with them because I was pregnant and they wanted to know how that happened, and I also have stressed to them at very early ages that nobody is allowed to touch or see their bodies, etc.

I also understand what your saying about letting him know that there are inappropriate topics for him to be discussing with me, but what I worry about is if he doesnt come to me with his questions, what if he finds another way to figure them out? Or why would I cut off his ability to communicate his concerns or questions and his comfort in being able to talk to me about anything? I have always told him that he could come to me and talk to me about ANYTHING and I dont want him to start feeling ashamed because I tell him he shouldnt be talking to mommy about this. I dont know....I just want to do the right thing whatever that may be!

[RockRose]

I think the mom crush is usually around 4 years old,  when they announce they are going to marry you when they are a man.  

Some types of intimacy are wrong,  swaitsman,  like incest and pedophilia and desire for your brother's wife or some married co-worker.  Some feelings are more wrong than others,  and some are just too early/inappropriate at that time to announce.  Some types you can just enjoy thinking about,  and keep the feelings private.  No one can read your thoughts,  you are welcome to explore the thoughts you have,  just don't express them.  

He needs to know this.  He can think things all he wants,  and that's not evil,  or illegal,  and no one will know what he's thinking,  but keep your private thoughts private.  

It's inappropriate to express sexual thoughts to your mother,  or to anyone frankly at the age of 8.

Boys do have sexual thoughts,  that's for sure.  The joy is he has the freedom to think what he wants without talking about it.