When to tell son who his real father is?

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[Agiesmom]

I have no experience with this, but I think I would wait until he's older.  Ten is the beginning of big changes with the start of puberty, hormones, etc.  And middle school is a very difficult time, imo, because kids are trying to be independent, but they are still insecure and tend to be "followers"--many are very easily influenced and feel confused and uncomfortable with their emotional and physical bodily changes.  I'd let him get through this biologically and emotionally difficult time for kids and tell him when he's older--if at all.  I'd be very concerned that he would feel a need to seek out his "father" and if he's been in prison for attempted murder, I don't think that's a good idea.  Also, he may associate himself with his biological father in a bad way--since he is "half" his dad biologically, he may think that he is half bad, like his dad.

I would seek guidance from a child psychologist before doing anything.

[shedstrom74]

Thank you so much for your advice. I look forward to hearing from more parents on this board. I definitely am considering seeking out a child psychologist first.

[Agiesmom]

I just wanted to add that a huge exception to what I wrote above would be if there were any chance he could find out unexpectedly from someone else.

I hope some others with personal experience and/or insight post to give you their thoughts.

Best wishes!

[erinty]

My cousin has five children her oldest daughter is from a different man but she does not know this, she is 19 years old and believes she has the same father as her brothers and sisters.  The parents recently got seperated and there is a lot of bitterness between them.  The father keeps threatening to tell the 19 year old he is not her father.  I know it will be a very difficult conversation to have but the sooner the better.  There will never be a right time, but seeing what my cousin goes through everyday because she still hasn't told her daughter the truth is agonizing.  i think it will become continually harder with every passing year. good luck.

[tmv]

Oh my, this is so difficult and I am so sorry for all of your heartache. I have had a similar discussion with my sister. Her oldest was fathered by an abusive fiance. He told her to have an abortion or he'd leave. Well, no question that she'd keep the baby. Now, she's 11 years old and my sister SWEARS that she will take it to her grave! It is such a tough decision and it is totally up to you. My sister's daughter was adopted by her current husband when she was 1 yr old. She knows no other. But, I fear that she is going to find out by someone. You never know who knows. Plus, there is a girl that used to be on her soccer team that actually is a 1/2 sister, they don't even know. But they look like twins! I have cried and cried over this and I know my sister has. But she is just not ready yet. FOB left and has yet to be seen. Rumors that he was in jail, running from law, etc. Bad circumstances.
I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. But know that you are not alone and the decision is ultimately up to you the when and if you choose to. So tough to deal with. I wish you well and (((hugs))) to you.

[magen7984]

I would tell him when you feel its right. I think he would be devastated if you tell him when he is much older. I fell 10 is a good age and if you know what or how you want ot tell him then do it. keep us  posted

[magen7984]

sorry posted the above post to the wrong person

[koukla29]

I think you should tell your son the truth soon, however, you should consider talking to a counselor about this before you talk to your son.  Maybe you could figure out the best way to talk to him.  I think the older he gets, the more it will seem like a big secret that you kept from him throughout the years.  In addition, I think that his reaction will be based on the way the information is presented to him.  You can explain the difference between biological and non biological, and you can also explain that his nonbiological father that he knew was truly his father, and he loved him beyond belief.  Biologically, his father is this man, however, this is not someone who is in his life, and he signed his rights away.  
This is when his father (your husband) adopted him because he wanted to be your son's father.  Something to that effect where he understands that he was never abandoned.  
You might be able to leave out the truth about where the biological father is and what type of person he was until he is a little older, unless you feel that your son may find this information out since you are living in the same town with the father and I assume the family.  A counselor or child psychologist can really come in handy in helping your son deal with this information.  Family counseling is also a good step as well.  Best wishes.  

[dazimmie]

I have a very similar situation that I am going through right now.  My daghter is 5 and comes from the same background.  I am no married with a 2 year old boy. My husband is the only dad that my daughter knows.  We are now going throught the formal adoption process and I have all of the same questions as you.  I want to tell her the truth but i do not know when it is right. I don't wan't her to feel like she has been lied to or that it is some huge secret.  I can't give you any advice because I have the same questions, but I do feel your pain.

[RockRose]

I don't understand why he has to know.

He probably barely remembers the man you said was his father,  and who raised him while he was still living  His biodad is a total loser and would make any kid feel like he came from questionable DNA.

Why tell him,  ever?  What benefit would your son gain from knowing this?

I vote for never telling him.  It's not in any way to his advantage to know.

[luvvlyfraggle]

I am going through the same thing also.I split with my ex partner when i was 3 months pregnant beacause of his abusive ways.I met my current partner when my daughter was 2 1/2 and she has always called him Daddy.She is now nearing 8 and we have decided to tell her now whilst she is old enough to understand but still young enough to not let it affect her childhood.Nobody can tell you when to do it,i'm afraid that decision lies with you.I'm dreading it but will keep you posted about how it went.x

[romulus]

10 yrs old is too young to tell your son about his biological father.  I would wait until he is 18.  He should be told, even just for medical reasons.  A lot of us have fathers that have fallen short of what we really wanted as dads.  Still, honesty is the best policy but it must be age appropriate and 10 is way too young.

[tanuvasamama]

I am going through a very similar situation.  My husband and I started dating when my son was only 5 months old.  My son is now 6 and we have 3 other children.  I spoke with a child psychologist about this.  She told me actually that the younger the better.  The children who are older when they find out about it treat the situation like a big bombshell.  Like the day the found out is when everything changed.  The ones who find out when they are younger just treat it as, ok mommy and then go on about their lives.  I've started introducing the concept to my son.  He knows that it was him and mommy first and that daddy fell in love with us both and wanted to be with us.  My husband is of a different race then my son, so it's pretty obvious and he'd figure it out.  I'd rather tell him then have him figure it out and wonder why I kept it a secret.  I'm still struggling with how to tell him that this all means he actually has a bio. father.  He doesn't realize how the whole thing fits together yet.  Luckily for us, the bio. father doesn't want to be a part of things, so my son will only be parented by one man.

[Nothisdaughter]

I am 34 years old and I just found out that my dad is not my biological father...and I am devestated.  So much so that I found this website to help me deal with it.  I found out because I was trying to find out blood types for my siblings and myself and well my dad put 2 and 2 together and figured he better tell me before I figured it out my self. You see the blood types don't match up for my mom and dad to produce a child with my blood type, but they do match up for my 2 brothers.  My mother had an affair after my brothers were born and I was the product of this. My dad never treated me differently and always loved me.... yet I am still devistated.  I wish I had never found out.  I have read your posts and I tried to think back to "was there a better time" to be told and I can't think of one... maybe as an adult teenager or in my early 20's (if I absolutely had to know) but I too vote for DON'T TELL because the only thing it's going to do is put your child in a state of depression.  
I love my dad and I know he loves me and now it's our secret (my mom died last year)  but it still hurts.

[RockRose]

Nothisdaughter - you could look at this the opposite way.  What a gift your dad has given you.  A loving,  stable home and a dad you are devastated,  because of his caring and character,  that he is not your father.

I have an uncle who had 4 biological daughters and then his wife had an affair and conceived a son.  He didn't treat that boy one bit differently than his own children,  he was loving and caring and considered them all his.  Now my uncle is near death,  and the son is about 40.  He takes care of my uncle in ways that no one else would - only one of his daughters spends much time with him.      It feel so warm to be around them.  What  a gift of love,  and overcoming what other people can't get forget,  and they've forged a very deep and abiding father son relationship.  

I hope somehow you can put this information behind you and realize your "dad" is even more wonderful than you thought he was before you knew.

Best wishes.

[mom2-2ts]

I do believe that at some point in time it is probably important for your son to know, but am in agreement that a this age there are so many other things going on in his life it might not be the right time.  I am a psychotherapist and work with children mostly and would have to say that there are a few things that should be in place prior to your letting him know.  One would be that you take the time to document the story of his life, and that of his bio father's.  Do this in separate books.  Most children or adults who find out that they had another biological parent will feel somewhat jipped that they were kept from this other parent.  Right now he may be too young to explain all of your reasons why his bio dad isn't around, but when he gets older he should know the facts.  It is also important for you to document for him all of the wonderful things that his "real father" (stepdad) did for him that made him so special in your son's life.  
Realize that no matter what you do, this is going to be hard for your son to hear.  However, seeking out counseling, I believe, would be your best route.  You are not going to want to go this alone.  I would definitely wait a while though.  There is never going to be the "right time" or a good situation, but look for the best opportunity where he is very stable, and secure about who he is.  Most children in this situation will feel a huge sense of rejection based on the one parent leaving, as well as have self-esteem issues based on this rejection.  Please do whatever you can to make this as easy as possible for this little guy.  And as I said before, I would wait until you sought out some professional help.
Good luck

[whenua]

I have an 11 year old son who met his bio father for the first time last week. The bio father only found out he had a son 2 months ago when I wrote to him. ALthough the bio father was only recently told, my son was told when he was 6. He calls my husband dad. We decided to tell him whilst he was still young so it would be something he would grow up knowing. His younger sibblings also know. My son really took it in his stride and has been great about it. I believe I made the right decision in telling him and also feel it took a load of my shoulders. It is a big secret to bare. Fortunatly my sons bio father wants to be involved, he accepts the circumstances around why he was not told when I was pregnant and we look forward to he and my son building a relationship. Tell him now. Telling a teen will be alot tougher.

[David502]

Wow!
These posts have helped tremendously...here is my story.  Sitting at the breakfast table like I have done for 22 years with my wife 1 month ago, she exclaims, "OMG, this _______ player looks just like you!".  It was a picture of a 24 year old  athelete participating in a world championship in a sport that I played for 15 years in the 80's and 90's (I am 48).  She then says, "he not only is your double, but he has your arms and hands."  Ten minutes of googling and we were convinced that I was at least related.  Through my memory of his Mother,  MySpace and the internet (he has many profiles and pictures) I have discovered that I am his father.  His Mom was a one time fling when I was 22 and graduating from college.  She was 34 and in town visiting relatives.  I have learned that she has been married for 28 years and has an older son.

I am happily married with two great daughters, 18 and 16.  I would very much like to meet my son however know that there are positives and negatives to such an event for him.  I never thought that blood types can be a give away.  Also, my oldest is dating a ____________ player that plays in the same league as my son.  With his new found status as somewhat of a star in the league I believe that her boyfriend could very well recogize him.  I was also invited by some old teammates to watch the world championships and had to decline.  The likeness is such that several teammates called later to say, "what's up with you and this ________player'?  Lastly,  I was training for a master's league in the sport to play against another city team and have opted out after learning that several of my son's teammates on the National squad play for the same team where I was going to play against their seniors side.

As I said before, I would Very much like to meet him, and know that it would be his decision to pursue any sort of relationship if we were ever to meet.  I am afraid that the negatives out weigh the positives here though.  With that in mind, I am leaning towards not contacting him  so as not to hurt both he and his family.  Or am I wrong given the potential that he finds out via some other source.  After all, he is only a click away on MySpace from my daughters.  With blood types, he/they may already know.  He also looks nothing like the rest of his family so I can't rule out that he harbors questions.

Any thoughts?

[whenua]

Gosh what a  surprise for you. There is never any easy way with paternity situations, but there does seem to be an underlying right for a child to know his / her parentage.  I would suggest you try to contact the mother first to give her the opportunity to address the situation. I think the guy would have a lot more respect for you if he sees that you have handled it sensitively. If she denies paternity, where does that leave things? When I contacted my childs son for the first time I chose to do it via a letter to his work. I did not want to phone as I thought it didnt give him a chance to process things in his own time and space. I also did not want to send it to his home address as I was not sure of his relationship situation and wanted to ensure he did actually get the letter. Think carefully and talk to your family about how they feel about it too. Until you have dna tests done though it isnt absolute, unless of course the mother admits to it. It will be tough for you all but possibly a good thing too. good luck

[jellicle]

Wow!  Some amazing stories.  I am so crying people!!  lol.  My heart goes out to all of you who have shared and thanks to you too for enriching our lives with vicarious experiences.
Alright, whether or not to tell I don't think is the question.  You're already planning to tell right?  I think we all have a right to know who our parents are.  It's like this: Why would we be allowed to know what pi equals, or how to swing a bat, or how to make mac and cheese in the microwave, or knit a scarf and not have the most basic scientific information about ourselves?  If you were happy before the knowledge, there is comfort and joy in that.  (I'm sorry nothisdaughter, I can't imagine what you must be going through and my heart goes out to you and your dad for your loss and your secret.)
I wince to say this, but in case it helps anyone else on the subject; I don't think it should ever be a taboo secret subject.  If a child is raised with the knowledge (say the age of 2 or 3) then it's never a big deal, it is what it is.  shrug.  So...
Between those super awkward influential and unstable years between 8 and 13 (wince) I think maybe it's too much to take in.  I'd wait until he's 14 and can better communicate, rather than supress his feelings on the subject.  Your little man may already have some inkling that there's something he should know.  So if you do want to tell him now... even though it IS a huge deal I know, -don't make a big deal about it, because after all in the end it matters very little in his case right- really?  His acting father loved him and he knows, will always know...  This other a** just happens to be his sperm donor, and he proooobaaablyyyy doesn't need to know the specifics of his bio fathers character.
He will hopefully be content with his life as it is (I would probably not give his name right now though -so easy to look up.)  What do you guys think?
Good luck and blessings your way!  
BTW:  Super proud of you for leaving when you were pregnant!!  Saving your son in the first place was the hardest part.  Be assured of how blessedly things worked out when you tell your son as well and he will know that all is well, good, and as it was meant to be.  

[jellicle]

I'm always so amazed how long these things end up being when I hit the post comment button!  pffff.

[swoozie87]

i am married for 22 years and been with my husband for 27 alltogther, he had a fling and i had a fling only i have a son from my fling. my husband forgave me and the son has his last name and he has raised the boy all his life, the real dad, knew he had a son and after he was older he came and went and then my son started going to visit him, he thinks his real father is a very good friend, he doesn't know that is his real father. i never asked for child support or any help, and my son has spina bifida and wears leg braces and pull-ups because he has no controll over his bowls. anyway i just found out that the real dad wants my son to know he is the real father, my son is now 10 years old and i don't know if he could comprehend all of this information and that the friend is his real father, and i don't know what he would call him because i don't want him calling him daddy, he has a daddy, my husband has stood besides my son threw everything surgery, needles, shots, sickness and his insurance paid for all of it, and now we get help but still i don't even know how to explain this to my son, i sure could use some help from anyone who has been threw this if they have. Thanks,

[love2bemom]

My mom and birth father divorced when I was a baby, due to abuse and infidelity. He gave up his parental rights, and a few years later my mom met my dad, who formally adopted me and raised me as his daughter. I don't remember my father (we are in contact now, but growing up I did not know him), but I do know that my dad didn't have to adopt me or take that role in my life, but he did because he loved me very much. He has never thought of me as not being his own, and in my heart he is my true father. My mom told me that Dad was not my birth father when I was 8 years old, and although I had many questions about my father, I was fine with the knowledge that Dad wasn't my birth father because I knew he loved me like his own child anyway. In fact, it made me feel pretty special to know that he loved me that much.

I don't know if this is a good age to do it...I was a very mature child for my age, so I think my mom felt comfortable telling me at a younger age. However, I do feel that age 10 is a good age to talk about something like this. He's not so young that he won't understand, and not so old that he won't want to talk about it. You said you already know what you're going to say...if you feel that your son is emotionally capable of handling this situation for what it is, then by all means I think you should tell him. Kids are remarkably resilient and I'm sure that he will handle it better than you can imagine. Just be prepared for lots of questions, and the possibility that he may want to meet his birth father someday. So it's important to be completely open and answer his questions honestly...because one day, if he does meet his father, it's possible that the man will try to tell your son a bunch of lies, and your son will have an easier time if he already knows the truth from you.

[cat2528]

I hope you don't mind that pick your therapy brain  :)

I have a friend who's non-biological son is behaving self-destructive.  He's 15 years old, smokes pot and drinks, hangs out with older guys, has been kicked out of school.  This behaviior started a few years back when the boys mother shared with her son that my friend was not his biological father.  

What do you feel would be the best course of action for everyone?  Clearly his son needs help.  He has participated in counceling in the past, but that is all I know.

Thank you

[Powt]

I just came to this site to find out "when" & "how" I should tell my 9 year old son that his step dad isn't his bio dad.  From reading all these posts, I feel confused as I did when I came in here.  

I had a long distance relationship &  then conceived my son.  We were not serious at all.  He ended up finding someone else while I was pregnant.  I met my husband when my son was 1 year old.  My husband adopted my son about 2 years later, as the bio dad signed off on his rights.  The bio dad stated he would sign off his rights if I waived all the back child support, so I did.  The last time my son saw his bio dad was at his 1st birthday.  

I have always sent updated pictures to the bio dad about once a year.  I usually get a "Thank You", but this time, I got a little more than I bargained for.  He has apologized for all the wrong & pain he has caused my son & I.  He is asking if he can talk to my son.  He said he wouldn't say anything about who he actually is, but I'm sure my son is going to wonder why some "man" wants to talk to him.  

Now this has brought me to this forum.  Should I let him talk to him?  The bio father lives in another state as well.  He has brothers & a sister.  I am close friends the bio dads ex-wife.  So, I feel I HAVE to tell my son the truth some day, as she has a daughter which is my sons sister.  I just read that & I'm sure it sounds confusing...!!!
Anyways, any help or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciative!

[myersnpooh]

I am in a somewhat same situation... I meet my now husband even before my daughter was born as we actually meet in July 97, very bad years back then for me. I went through sucided, depression, sexual promsciety (sp? and much more. In November of 97 I convienced my duaghter with a person who I thought wanted a child too, but as soon as I told him I was pregnant he moved to another state and I have not seen him since. Since going through all this I only rememeber his first and middle name. So anyhow my now husband and I married in November of 2001. A year later he said let me sign the birth certificate and leave it at that. And so far we have. But my duahgter is now 11 an struggling in her little life. For me it is not a question of when, I am not going to tell her because I feel it will only mess her up more. She has been recently diagnoised with epilesy, bi-polar, mood disorder, OCD, ODD and ADHD. So as you can tell by telling her would only make things worse for her I fear. So she has only known 1 dad for all her life and I feel that is all she needs. Why tell her about a man, no not a father but just a man that helped make her when he ran out on her even before she was born. He doesn't deserve the right to be called father. Even though  now my husband and I are divorcing and going through our own battles, he is her father and always will be to me.

[footballforever]

my daughter is 6, she was 2 when I met her now 'dad', to cut a long story short, me and her bio father got married when i was pregnant, we divorced some time later!! he wasnt a fantastic dad, he seen her regularly untill i met someone and he didnt like it, the contact stoped there, he went on to have another daughter, and when my daughter was 3 he died, it cuts me up every day the fact that i am lying to her about her ''dad'', shes so happy, and my partner treats her great and it was her that called him dad it seemed to come natural to her! im dreading the day it comes to tell her everything, even more so the fact that she cant just go and see him and make her own mind up about him.

[godisinme]

One of my girlfriend adopted a girl(A) at age of 2, and now is 6.  She told A the truth when A was 3 and a half.  A became very insecure.  There was a very close girl friend(B) of A's who was also adopted.  Whenever A and B played in A's house, and B accidentally hug A's mom, A became upset and crazily kick and hit her mom.  Then, A's mom always explains that asthma syndrome then she would give A puffs to calm her down. But, as a close friend of her, I see A as insecurity act-out.  Daycare teacher said the same thing and now the Gr.1 teacher said the same thing about A in the school can't take the fact her favor friend plays with other classmate.  A would confront the friend and saying things like why don't you play with me, how can you play with other people.  A even tried to bribe the favor friend with toys
A even was upset when I and her mom was talking in their living room during A's bed time.  She came out and asked me to leave, she wanted to be alone with her mom.  Poor her mom, never got to get a date, not even saying having a night out alone without A.  From my side of view, I feel that every case is different, and every child's personality is different too, so as a mother of the child, if it's heartbreaking kind of decision, that might mean it's still not the perfect time yet.  Anyhow, God has His work on every case, having your trust in Him, may Him mend broken hearts and pour wisdom in you.

Bless you all~~~

[fabz999]

let me tell you all about my story...

Well im 25 and have jsu found out my dad is not my birth father, my mother was married when i was born and my birth father was extremely abusive, my left my birth father and meet my dad when i was 1.

25 years later i go to a caryard looking for a car and a man tells me his my father.

I advise i can give is thank god for my dad, he has loved me more than life and has never treated me any different at all, i have taken the shock as i'm a blessed child and i have a purpose in my life. I believe and this is my view, i'm glad i was 25, if i was younger i would have rebelled alt more and would have had an excuse to, but because i have matured i can know see the good in it all.

Would i have ever wanted to know??????? not sure i can answer that, question i would ask is does the birth father deserve me to know..

I dont believe this man had a right to tell me, although i hope that my parents have peace in there lives, cause it not something i would have liked to live with...

Finally, to all the dads THANK YOU cause its not about the blood its about the love, i thank god for my father and i'm glad i have the life i have..

hope that helps

[wfewife]

Help! I have a 15 year old daughter from a former relationship.  My husband married me and adopted her when she was 2.  I told her, when she was 8, that she had "another" father (which went okay, I guess, she was a little miffed about it) and gave her two pictures of him.  She rarely has brought it up and treats my hubby like "Dad" and vice versa.  The problem is, we have 2 younger daughters that don't know that their big sister is only a "half-sister".  They know she looks nothing like them and they hate each other.  Should I tell them that Daddy adopted her when she was a baby?  Also, my ex has a son, 11 years old.  Should I tell my 15 year old that she has a little brother???  I just found out on Facebook, as my ex recently contacted me.

[mommy_2010]

well i didnt have to deal wit telling my kid..i was tha kid being told.my mother kept it from me till i was 13 i ended up hating her for it still to this day due to tha fact i never got to meet my father bc he passed away 2 weeks after she told me...now back to tha beging..my bio dad and my mother were never married but split up when i was a few months old..she married tha man i call dad..when i was 3 he was great to me treated me as his own i did everything wit him a daughter and father would but when i was 13 i found a picture in my closet of me my mother and a guy..(my bio dad) i proceded to ask my mother who this was.she finally told me but went bout it all wrong it was all lies..i then found out i also had a brother and sister older than me.. i felt my whole life was a lie.i then wrote my mother a letter saying i wanted to meet my father she would not let me he died 2 weeks later..so what im getting at is is u think ur son is emotionally stable enough to tell him at tha age of 10 tha sooner is better so he doesnt get older and resent u for not telling him sooner..even tho his father may not b tha best guy he still deserves to kno and if he choses to ask you to contact him thats on ur advisery to decide..just dont wait to long we r never granted tomorrow it still gets to me this day that i never gto to meet my father...i kno you will make tha best decision for ur son adn when you think hes ready to kno then thats when to tell him..ur his mother and only u can kno when hes truly ready..this is only advice and i wish you tha best if you ever need advice or need to talk let me kno..i wish u and ur son tha best.

[mommy_2010]

tha recent message was wrote to shedstrom74..and also if ne1 else is having this issue..

[lindaa48]

Rather tell him, the truth, I cried the whole day today, I discover my daughter's biological father died early this year, am married my daughter is 11years I was planning to explain to her when she is around 15, as her father left us when she was months old and stop contacting us and so forth, now I could have told her and let her know him so she can understand how do I tell her now that the father passed away,yet she never had a relationship with the father.tell the truth it will set you free, it is difficult to deal with things years later rather than early in years, take care.

[fieldthrasher]

I ran across this thread today because this is a situation I am facing right now. About thirteen years ago an old girlfriend came back from out of state. She had  a serious drug problem, had just been released from jail and was pregnant as well.  Things never did work out between us, but over the years he came to know me as his father, this was not intentional it just happened. I have wanted to tell him for several years now (he's thirteen now) but I never had any support from his family. Now I have convinced her sister that it is in his best interest in knowing the truth. It will be more difficult for everyone the longer one waits. The younger the better I believe. If he'd been told at  a very young age he just would have grown up with that knowledge.  I mean this boy doesn't even resemble me and I am not on his birth certificate so discovery is inevitable. I just want him to find out from me, and to know that in no way does this change the way I feel about him.

[looking4others]

I agree with your position on telling him early on and respect that you want him to know it doesn't change the way you feel about him. A similar story happened to me but I didn't find out that I had a different biological father until I was 26. Like you, the guy who raised me wanted to tell me early, and he waited 26 years to have that conversation with me (I'd asked him because I'd found out before he could tell me). I wish I'd known when I was younger. I grew up looking so different from everyone around me - had I known my unique looks simply came from my bio-dad, I may have had more self-esteem and less confusion.

[sarah2613]

A father is who raises the child not who makes them.

[Ruffles5683]

Wow, this is the first time in check this website out, it looks like we all share something: we love our children so much that we dont know what to do becuase we dont want to hurt them, but at the same time we want them to know the truth.

My wife was sexually assaulted when she was in her 16, her family wanted the baby to be given away for adaption, but she decided to keep it. I meet her when she was 18 and fell in love with her and my son. we got married and now we have another child (girl) they are 8 years apart. I have so many pictures of my son doing fun and crazy things together, i want him to see how much we have sharged in life and how much time we spend together.

hes a bit older now going on to 10, i think its time i tell him im not his biological dad. but how do i tell him that he was brought to this world because his mom was rapped and 9 months later he was born.  That is a tough one folks!, I lose sleep thinking about how im going to tell him, I know that i wont tell him the whole truth of his existance,(the rape part im leaving out).

i addopted him immediately after we got married, every anivessary we  lie about the years that my wife and i have been married , he is a smart kid.  

I read him the story of Jesus and how his real dad was God, he was addpoted by human parents J and M, and Jesus loved them very much because he knew they took real good care of him.

I get so mad what happend to my wife , but at the same time, im so confused because i love my son and i would have not met him if it was not for this unfortunate event. I guess one can make somthing so good and special from something bad.( i'm saying that my son is the bad, the action that was takken toward my wife).

any sugestions?

I also agree, its the love that counts not the blood.

[oterod]

I need help! I have four children oldest nine and youngest 5 i  am currently going through a long awaited divorce (our 9yr anniversary just passed) but we were never committed to eachother he didn't know how to be committed to one woman which caused me to leave on numerous occassions after catching him time and time agaim with other women.  We had our first son at 18! Not enough time to mature.....i left him when my son turned 1 for the first time after catching him cheating with a woman from work.  We got back together after about 6 months then I got pregnant again with my 2nd child....we thought this would be great time to bring our fam back together and we moved out of state with him away from all family we stayed together and rented a place with our childhood bf his wife and there son.  Everything was great at first but then I started to get a weird feeling he was sneaking around with our bf wife. This started to cause tension but I worked and tried to keep it all inside I developed a great friendship with a co-worker whom not to long later I caught them naked in her bed......my son was three and my daughter 1 I then left again only to move back to az and find that I was pregnant with my 3rd child! It was a long tough road but I moved back home yet again I stayed married because I was getting great benefits for my children and was still in love with their dad.......time passed and I had my son and always kept in close contact with  my there dad and his fam. This time I started seeing my friends brother who was an old childhood friend only for a few weeks I recall attempting to have intercourse with him but not actually being able to after me and him were out drinking for the night (kids with the in laws for the weekend).....I then found out he had a wife and she was pregnant so I broke it off within the same 2wks my childrens father came to visit and we had intercourse not long after I found out I was pregnant I didn't have a second thought who was the father the other guy wasn't even an option considering I don't recall having intercourse with him. However when he found out I was pregnant he told his wife and his sister that I was prego with his baby, I spoke to him on the phone and asked why he would say such a thing he knew what happen when we attempted intercourse and I knew who my babies father was and to stay away! My husband got wind of this info and I told him it had to be his son I didn't have intercourse with anyone else! He accepted it and we moved back in with him to give our now fam of 4 a shot at a great life.....same story he cheats AGAIN and the question of my son possibly not being his was always an issue it was too much for our relationship we split for the final tinme and have been split for a year and a half solid we never did our divorce because it was our last concern....now I have filed for divorce and he doesn't want to pay child support my youngest son was the issue so I got a paternity test....."he is NOT the father:(" he says nothing will change "my son is his son biological or not" my sons 5 and we are trying to figure out when to tell him......the other guy is in prison until 2040....what's the right thing for us to do? We know we want to tell him but when considering his biological father will be incarcerated until he is past 35!

[pradeepagarwal634]

My son is about three years old.My wife under the behest of her mother left her home when my son was only one year old.
my wife never told my son that i am his father,rather abused me time n time again that I have no right to touch him,I am not his father.
Recently I met my son thrice,but my wife introduced me as his uncle.
My son calls his maternal uncle as papa and my wife no issues about this and rather she is such an idiot that she enjoys throghout.
whenever I try to reconcile with her ,she talks about money in the guise of financial security.
I have two daughters  from my previous marriage and they are staying with me and and aged 17 and 19 years.
My second wife (mother of my son) does not like my daughtters and my daughters does not her temprament.
what should I do.

I want to restore the family together with my  wife  and the kids.

[pradeepagarwal634]

My son is about three years old.My wife under the behest of her mother left her home when my son was only one year old.
my wife never told my son that i am his father,rather abused me time n time again that I have no right to touch him,I am not his father.
Recently I met my son thrice,but my wife introduced me as his uncle.
My son calls his maternal uncle as papa and my wife no issues about this and rather she is such an idiot that she enjoys throghout.
whenever I try to reconcile with her ,she talks about money in the guise of financial security.
I have two daughters  from my previous marriage and they are staying with me and and aged 17 and 19 years.
My second wife (mother of my son) does not like my daughtters and my daughters does not her temprament.
what should I do.

I want to restore the family together with my  wife  and the kids.

[KGBMOM]

My son is 15 and my daughter is 14.  My husband adopted them when they were 4 and 3.  Birth father gave up rights in exchange for not having to pay back child support.  He was abusive, cheating and irresponsible.  I have always made my children aware they are adopted, but had a formal conversation with my son 2 years ago.  He is devasted, withdrawn yet a good boy.  My daughter doesn't care at all.  Every child is different.  I don't want my children to meet their birth father because he's a loser.  I can't force myself to say anything nice about him.  Their (adopted) dad is great to both of them - emotionally and financially.  I can't bare the thought of my son meeting his biological father, but I know he wants to.  His biological father is a con - everybody thinks he is a great guy at first, and then the truth comes out.  What if my son likes him and wants to form a relationship with him?  This would devastate my husband and ultimately could lead to marriage breakdown I'm afraid.  This eats at me every day.

[toomuchdetail]

I think I am the father of a child as the mother said she was sure it was mine.

The mother was involved with 2 men and the other man knows he is probably not the real father. However they have both pretended it is his and have cut me out entirely - the mother would not even discuss it. The mother contacted me 8 months after the birth to say "hi" but just ignored the baby's existence which just angered me. I didn't want to destabilise the baby's family so I have kept away, and told her only to contact me if it was important.

The child is now 5 and deep down I feel so much has been stolen from me, while the child has had its life partly turned into a fabrication to suit the mother. I now have another family but I am unable to stop thinking about this other child almost obsessively.

I don't think there are any sound legal routes I could have taken and I thought these would have created more ill feeling between the mother and I something I thought not in the child's interest.

I have never seen the child but I know it is only time before I have to see for myself what she looks like.

I think the mother should tell the child the truth but I am sure she will not just to protect her relationship. It is possible this will come out through others as quite a few people know, but ultimately if I ever want to meet my child it probably comes down to me telling the child at some point in the future but I know this will hurt my own child something I cant easily do. I am also scarred that if the child finds out about me the mother might lie about me not wanting anything to do them to protect herself, which could never have been further from the truth.

I really need some form of closure as the loss is like a lingering death to me.

Should I ever tell this child? Do I even have the right?

[wantsitbacklikeitused2be]

I wish I had good sound advice to all of you that are struggling with the choice of when and how and even if you should or not tell your child who the bio father is.....Here is my story.....I met my husband in the fall of 84 but I was dating someone else at the time....I ended up pregnant by the other guy....he wanted me to have an abortion (even left the money for it on my dresser as he left one day)....yea, real stand-up kind of guy....anyway....I wanted the baby and I took the money and bought maternity clothes.....the bio father said that he was moving out of town and that me being pregnant wouldn't change that....I asked him to please give the baby his name because I didn't want the baby to be born without a dad....he said he didn't want to do that....anyway....my husband and I grew very close while I was pregnant and he came around often to check on me and to see if I needed anything....I heard from the bio-dad only a couple of times during my pregnancy.....after the birth of my daughter....the bio-dad made it clear that he didn't want the responsibility of a child.....my husband and I moved in together when (our) daughter was just barely 2 months old and married when she was 3...he loves her with all of his heart and has been the best daddy anyone could ask for....the bio-dad came around every 4-6 years or so to get pictures from my mom.....(ummm...can we say curiosity is NOT the same as concern!!) but never wanted to be, in any way, financially or emotionally responsible for her...we never told her about her conception because we were so afraid it would devastate her....how do you tell a child that her bio dad doesn't want the burden of seeing her or helping raise her????? When she was 22 and a half she found out.....that was over 3 years ago and although we have been able to mend our relationship with our daughter, she is still very angry and hurt over not being told....she says that keeping that info from her was not our decision...well.....I beg to differ....as her parents and the ones in charge of her happiness and welfare...it WAS our decision.....what we did was in her best interest and out of the love and concern that we have for our child.....she contacted the bio-father after she found out and he proceeded to tell her that he always wanted to be a part of her life but we kept him away....such an absolute crock!!!! Well....does he have anything to do with her now.....Nope!! he doesn't....first he said it was because his girl friend had issues with the whole situation...then he said it was because he wasn't sure if she (our daughter) was really his or not.....this guy is the KING of excuses....always has been and looks like he always will be.....he was sure of her paternity when she was little (just didn't want her).....now all of a sudden he says he's not sure....I don't know what to do next myself......we used to have such a close relationship with our daughter and since all of this happened it's like an invisible barrier now between us........my husband  was the one that stood up and did the right thing by her, not because he had to.... but because he loved her enough to want her to grow up with a daddy that loved her and would always be there for her....Love makes a family.....NOT DNA.......I hope our daughter comes to realize that what we did (as wrong as it was) was because we never wanted to see her hurt or disappointed.....we couldn't stand the thought of the bio father saying that he would come see her and then making some excuse not to show up.....time and time again....what child can deal with that kind of disappointment over and over again and have a healthy childhood....when you love your child you will do everything in your power to move mountains in order to see them loved, healthy and happy...and that's all we ever wanted.....what good does it do to a child to know their DNA if the parent doesn't want to do what's right?

[adgal]

Your story brought tears to my eyes.  How difficult a situation this must have been for you.

I tend to agree with your daughter that you should have told her.  However, that being said, every decision you made was out of love and wanting to protect her, not out of any selfishness on your part.  I can completely see why you made the decision you did.

She will come around.  Your right, even though she had a right to know, it doesn't sound like it would have made any difference.  I am so glad you wound up with what sounds like a wonderful man, and she had such a wonderful father.  

You are like the rest of us moms...we want what is best for our children and yeah, sometimes we made the wrong choice. But the motive behind that choice counts for so much and I have no doubt your situation will work out just fine.  You should show her this post.  There is so much emotion in it and it's so clear that she was and is your first priority.  I wish you well.

[lovelylaura25]

I have just recently at the age of 25 found my biological Father our first meeting was in the cemetry as he died 15 years ago..i feel cheated now i have extended Family but not a Dad anymore and was never giving the chance to get to know him..he didn't even know i exsisted. Not telling your kid is a cop out...whatever the age..every child should know the whole truth about their heretige it's so deeply emotionally important.

[AURORAHILL]

My brother and his highschool girlfriend became pregnant right out of high school. She said that before she became pregnant she was raped. Our family told her to consider and abortion due to the circumstances. She flipped out and moved from Ohio to California. My brother (the biological father) has paid every child support payment ontime however has not seen and or heard anything until now. She went into hidding. We could not afford attorney fees and did not go through a custody battle. The boy is now 13 and we just secretly found his cell phone number. Is it too early to tell him? What should we say and how do you recomend going about doing it? We have tried numerous times talking to the mother and the stepfather but all we get in return are nasty letters from their group of attorneys. It also makes them go deeper into hidding. There is virtually nothing online in regards to his son. We are both firefighters so we would not want to jepordize our careers by not playing by the rules. PLEASE HELP US!

[whosurdaddy]

I Just found out that my dad isn't really my biological father. I'm almost 31. Mum has been wanting to tell me for a long time. We met for a coffee two nights ago, when I was informed. I thought she was pulling my leg. I still can't believe it. The next day, my biodad sent me a msg through facebook. This is too much too soon for me. I work with my dad and see him monday to friday. He doesn't know either. The secret is between mum, me and biodad. I'm not sure if I want to reply to his msg. He called me son. That's how I came to this page. It was the first on the list after googling my situation. He lives in Chile, where I was born. I've lived in Australia since I was 3. I return to visit my family on both sides regularly. Now I realise I have another family there. I don't know if they know about me or not. I went through his FB pics, and saw that I look like them. Well here I am. Thanks for reading.

[DNA0]

Unfortunately I am someone who thought all along this guy was my daughter's father only to find out he is not. I am devastated as well.  I reached out to him  and we me and they did the DNA test "swab" test he even paid for it and it was 0% my heart is broke. I am at a loss and I can't figure out what to do. I thought for sure since she was born exactly 9 months to the day of our involvment. Also he is married  but not at the time either was I and he is now divorced his kids all look exactly like my daughter. I am doubly sad and ashamed. I was involved with two men the other never got tested because he was abusive and I was scared to ever tell him she was probably not his. She looks nothing at all like him nothing!!!  Well 20 + years later things are not good again. My daughter hates me, the guy I thought was her Father is great, the abusive one has no idea and either does my new husband.  The abusive one will probably flip even more then ever.  I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed! I need some sort of help. My family has been supportive from the day she was born. Please know you are not alone!  I am sorry you are going through this I knw how you feel.  I never want to be judged and I am hoping no one does that.  Thanks for letting me vent.  

[DNAguy]

I am a middle aged man who just recently found out my estranged father is not my father at all. I recently met the dad that never knew about me. For anyone considering hiding a child's true identity, please consider the effect this will have on them when they find out later in life. The chances of them finding out are extremely high especially now that the price of DNA testing is plummeting, and the availability so wide spread.

[feelsbetrayed487]

I was trying to get my passport for my honeymoon last month and found out the father that raised me wasnt my bio dad. I was hurt when i found out that all my family around me had known my whole life and i had to find out from some lady at the adoption agency 32 years later.Why would you let someone you love find out like this?

[elizabeth168]

I am on the same boat however my daughter is 2 1/2 her biological dad and i dated for a few months...we broke up and  a month later i found out i was pregnant. not knowing what to do i sent him a text message that he never answered.  A couple days later i tried calling and his phone had been disonnected.  then i tried calling his best friend and all i said to him was that i wanted P to know i was pregnant but i didnt want anything from him just wanted him to know i thought he had a right to... i never heard from him again..  a few months later a met a wonderful man that said he would take care of us and see my child as his... to this day he has.  we moved in together but things did not work a yr later i left and moved back to my home state..  Since then i have a new relationship. my daughter call him by his name and knows her dad is her dad.  But now  how do i tell her she has two dads and now the person that is in our lifes.  To add to this i have no idea where her biological father is..should i look for him?

[0P0PLL]

I REALLY THINK FOR MY OWN EXPERIENCE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO LIE TO NOBODY SPECIALLY YOUR OWN BLOOD ,AS SOON YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER,I THINK THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH MAKE THE DIFFERENCE ,REMEMBER,I HAVE THE SAME SITUATION AND I START VERY EARLIER WITH MY SON WHEN HE ASK I ANSWER WITH NO DRAMA AND THE MOST IMPORTANT NO REGRETS.I ALWAYS MAKE HIM FEEL  THAT HI'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY  LIFE ,AND WE THE ADULTS SOME TIME ACT LIKE LEST THAN A KIDS AND MADE STUPIDS DECISIONS AND SOME OF THEM AFFECT OTHERS.NEVER IN YOUR LIFE TALK BAD ABOUT THE FATHER ,AND ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW THAT IS THE BEST IN THE WEST .WHY? BECAUSE KIDS DO NOT KNOW DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PARENTS AT LESS YOU TEACH HIM.DO NOT PLANT ANY BAD SEED IN HIS HART ,HE'LL BE A GOOD MAN IN THE FUTURE ,BELIEVE ME ,NEVER HIDE THE TRUTH,AND WHEN YOU TELL IT DO IT WITH CARE,REMEMBER KIDS DO NOT ASK TO CAME TO THIS WORLD WE DO IT BECAUSE WE MADE AN ACT OF PASSION AND LOVE. SEE,THE LIFE IS EASY WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE,

[0P0PLL]

I REALLY THINK FOR MY OWN EXPERIENCE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO LIE TO NOBODY SPECIALLY YOUR OWN BLOOD ,AS SOON YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER,I THINK THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH MAKE THE DIFFERENCE ,REMEMBER,I HAVE THE SAME SITUATION AND I START VERY EARLIER WITH MY SON WHEN HE ASK I ANSWER WITH NO DRAMA AND THE MOST IMPORTANT NO REGRETS.I ALWAYS MAKE HIM FEEL  THAT HI'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY  LIFE ,AND WE THE ADULTS SOME TIME ACT LIKE LEST THAN A KIDS AND MADE STUPIDS DECISIONS AND SOME OF THEM AFFECT OTHERS.NEVER IN YOUR LIFE TALK BAD ABOUT THE FATHER ,AND ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW THAT IS THE BEST IN THE WEST .WHY? BECAUSE KIDS DO NOT KNOW DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PARENTS AT LESS YOU TEACH HIM.DO NOT PLANT ANY BAD SEED IN HIS HART ,HE'LL BE A GOOD MAN IN THE FUTURE ,BELIEVE ME ,NEVER HIDE THE TRUTH,AND WHEN YOU TELL IT DO IT WITH CARE,REMEMBER KIDS DO NOT ASK TO CAME TO THIS WORLD WE DO IT BECAUSE WE MADE AN ACT OF PASSION AND LOVE. SEE,THE LIFE IS EASY WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE,

[Blu59]

Such a subject with so many different views. I was raised by my mom and dad (stepfather), who showed me that family isn't in your blood... but in your heart. I think i also raised my children with that ideal. But now i am at a crossroad that scares me to death. I am raising my grandson 14, he lived with me from birth to 18 months, when he was allowed to go home to his mom and dad. Dad (my son). He has been living with me for 5 years now, i have custody... given to me by his dad. Both his mom and dad live here in town, "Chris" see's both of them, not daily. My problem is... how do i explain to him that his dad is not his biological father? His mom cheated and didn't tell anyone untill after Chris was living with them, and they were splitting up. At this point in Chris's life he is doing very well in school, football, socializing, etc. He isn't liking his dad much, due to his dad's lack of attention, and it seems as though the last couple times he has come home from visiting his mom, there is some new reason to feel sorry for her. I am afraid due to a comment his mom made, (the only family they have is himself, his sister 13, (lives with mom), her and her new husband(worthless), that something is up. I wouldn't put it past her to tell him "Danny" isn't his real father in the hopes of pulling him away from us emoitionally. (longer story to all of this). But i am sure he needs to know at some point in his life...  and i just don't know when or how... and his feelings, he wears on his sleave.

[Chisnina]

I also have a 9 yr old daughter and also with the same background... I'm married know and she does know that she has a different biological father, but who she thinks is her father is not... Both men are losers And have nothing to do with my kids by court orders... My husband know is saving money to adopt both my kids... I wanna tell her but don't want her to think or feel bad.... I too don't know when I'll tell her....
When my husband and I got together her brother was 1 so he didn't know any other except his step dad as his real dad. He was named after his biological father.  Then when he came home from school, he asked me cause the kids at school told him " if your a jr then your named after you dad". He told me my name is jarrod and dads name is Raymond how could this be? He was 6yrs old at this time and I didn't want to have that conversation with him at 6. But I did and he totally understood and was not mad at me for keeping it from him. He told me that he was glad I told him and not kept hiding it... Yes his biological father is bad news but my little not didn't let that bother him it made him a better kid for know and I hope forever! Now about my daughter, one day I always said I'd tell her she has a different father than jarrod at the age of 10yrs. Old but I don't know if she will... Some kids will handle it and some wont.... They both know who loves them and that's daddy know, my husband who we also have other kids together.

[mdbaby79]

Hi,

I understand your story/dilemma fully . Please dont wait until hes grown up as is happening with me right now. My mom never felt it safe to tell me because as she says I was unstable and depressed since 18 and according to medical/psychological advice it would be unsafe to tell somebody something like that in that state. This is mistake number 1 in my book as the mother removes the responsibility that is on her shoulders onto some "professional" and due to tremendous fear will believe anything they say! Its just a cycle of fear where the mother is not in touch with herself. But I feel that during her indeciseiveness about revealing this it turned more to protect herself and I suffered tremendously in my life. All I ever wanted I think deep down was to be told the truth from her so we could have a genuine mother/son relationship. So it was a double whammy for me because even though my birth mother was always there for me and bent over backwards for me and sibs. it never felt right for me. I always felt there was something wrong, I didnt fit in.  She tried I suppose to overcompensate to make up for not telling me the truth. ( Remembr learning honesty is the best policy in school !)Children know these things aswell. They pick up on mothers energy and that they are being treated somehow differently, being protected from something and  the world. It has disastrous consequences because hiding the harshness of the fact that the bio father has passed away ( mine passed when I was 6 unknown to me, i found out recently that I was brough to his burial ) and by extension the harshness of the world to the child it creates confusion, anger, resentment towards the mothers hesitation to tell the child. This is what I am contending with now. Everyone can handle the truth. Its the secrecy that destroys things and prevents things from ever properly developing. In my opinion ( from my case ) its the mothers feelings of unresolved deep guilt/ shame that a child came into the world unplanned/ in improper circumstances that also need to b looked at. Remember the child is innocent ( as much as can be anyway ! )in this drama that the adults put into motion.

But yes, a very complex situation. Homosapiens are very complex animals. Talking is whats needed.Trust yourself. Try to get in touch with your universal motherly love that cares for everyone no matter where they came from, who they are and when you are there I feel you can tell your son. There might be short term repercussions etc from him but you can take that when you are strong yourself.
C

[mdbaby79]

Hi,

I understand your story/dilemma fully . Please dont wait until hes grown up as is happening with me right now. My mom never felt it safe to tell me because as she says I was unstable and depressed since 18 and according to medical/psychological advice it would be unsafe to tell somebody something like that in that state. This is mistake number 1 in my book as the mother removes the responsibility that is on her shoulders onto some "professional" and due to tremendous fear will believe anything they say! Its just a cycle of fear where the mother is not in touch with herself. But I feel that during her indeciseiveness about revealing this it turned more to protect herself and I suffered tremendously in my life. All I ever wanted I think deep down was to be told the truth from her so we could have a genuine mother/son relationship. So it was a double whammy for me because even though my birth mother was always there for me and bent over backwards for me and sibs. it never felt right for me. I always felt there was something wrong, I didnt fit in.  She tried I suppose to overcompensate to make up for not telling me the truth. ( Remembr learning honesty is the best policy in school !)Children know these things aswell. They pick up on mothers energy and that they are being treated somehow differently, being protected from something and  the world. It has disastrous consequences because hiding the harshness of the fact that the bio father has passed away ( mine passed when I was 6 unknown to me, i found out recently that I was brough to his burial ) and by extension the harshness of the world to the child it creates confusion, anger, resentment towards the mothers hesitation to tell the child. This is what I am contending with now. Everyone can handle the truth. Its the secrecy that destroys things and prevents things from ever properly developing. In my opinion ( from my case ) its the mothers feelings of unresolved deep guilt/ shame that a child came into the world unplanned/ in improper circumstances that also need to b looked at. Remember the child is innocent ( as much as can be anyway ! )in this drama that the adults put into motion.

But yes, a very complex situation. Homosapiens are very complex animals. Talking is whats needed.Trust yourself. Try to get in touch with your universal motherly love that cares for everyone no matter where they came from, who they are and when you are there I feel you can tell your son. There might be short term repercussions etc from him but you can take that when you are strong yourself.
C

[mdbaby79]

God I am with you, I am with you in the same boat. Its the colossal fear of the parent (s) to accept,acknowledge  that you came into the world ( in my case anyway )in a non planned way, be it an affair whatever. By not telling you as early as possible they break a natural law ( you need to know who your parents are ) and everyone suffers.

"taken for a fool" given the run around, deceived, betrayed you name it Im feeling these now too.and its all to do with that things like these childs know when they are yiung on a very deep level so deep that they grow up knowing that something isnt right way down there. the foundation is not laid for a normal life.

Take it easy on yourself coming to terms
C

[mdbaby79]

I am in that boat too. I am 32 and found out thru my jealous aunt!.
My story is though I always felt I knew deep down so I've gone through the whole depressive period, wandering in foggy forest life, a haunted life,feeling like a ghost, that noone could see me even for 14 years + since I was 18. It seems to be different for each one. I am doing family constellations therapy here. Maybe it might be worth investigating if there is a practising therapist near you.

It is helping me to release the emotions that I've had to block my whole life.
http://www.familyconstellations.net/

God Bless You
C

[mdbaby79]

Wisdom for the ages.

The whole lesson goes to teach the adults deeper faith in themselves and thei childs or as Emerson put it " The whole course of things goes to teach us faith "

Burying eternal truths like these so they become toxic shameful secrets with life of their own and to intensify the pain all unknown to the child is the most harmful thing in the world. I can testify with God as my witness.
In my opinion and from direct personal experience, "All the mommies and daddies need to sit up and listen real hard with their hearts. What opopl wrote is from the heart and cant be disputed.

[mdbaby79]

Same for me. I found out ( although I always felt deep down something needed to be told me ) last Nov. It sounds that your mom is going to assist you and not run and hide in shame. That is good for you. But I know what you man when you say that you cant believe it. For me its like I am coming out of a coma. Like I was gently put to sleep of ever knowing this knowledge while the adults around me kept it all inside. I have much anger,rage that they had this secret knowledge of me. They empowered themselves while I was disempowered.

My bio dad dies when I was 6 1/2 and I never new that I had a diff dad and that he even doesnt live anymore, Relationship with normal dad I grew up with was never good and now its gotten to the disownment stage. Shakespeare will never be far away.

Time and severe struggles have galvanised me against such things now.
Heart only wants to give love and understanding now. No other way to go.

God Bless You
C

[mdbaby79]

The same thing happened for me only that I was 6 when my bio dad died suddenly. I only found all this out last year and I am 32 now. I am in shock and sick and am not yet able to let all the anger,rage, sadness, sorrow that has built up out. Take courage. Maybe you can visit your local church and ask for advice from the priest there. They normally have heard of everything and could lend an understanding ear and advise you best. I am saying this because my mother got advice from "doctors/ experts etc" that it is best not to revela such a thing to an unstable child!. She never made the link that I was becoming unstable ( depressed, losing interest in life , myself, low self esteem, self confidence  etc ) because I was missing this information which others had ( my mother and her sister ) It might seem like I am trying to pin the tail on the donkey here or find a convenient scapegoat but I was very sensitive ( like all children I suppose ) 3rd child  so feel I was aware that something was never right at home concerning me. This revelation is slowly coming to light for me.  I am sorry to be replying to so many other posts but I need to remember the truth of my being.

Increase your faith in your compassionate motherly love that can soothe all pain and hurts and that every child craves. Strengthen yourself and believe that the Truth is the only policy if you want to avoid further pain in the future for both yourself, your daughter and other close people involved. Secrets affect everyone I feel in the family.
Let us know how you get on.
God Bless You.

C

[mdbaby79]

Hi,

How are you getting on now 4yrs after this writing?
I am in very similar situation since last year. I hope that time has healed and you were able to move on with your own life.
God Bless
C

[mdbaby79]

Hi Linda48,

Yes, truth will set you free. Why wait for years for that to happen, a time when so much will have built up in between and which will make the decision even harder.
I am like your daughter. My bio father died unknown to me ( didnt know I had a diff bio father, didnt know he doesnt live anymore ) when I was 6. 1985. I am only finding this out since last year.
Hope it worked out. Im sure it did. Time heals everything.
God Bless
C

[mdbaby79]

Hi Lovelylaura25,
I'm sorry if this is a second reply but I wanted to say that I have similar story.
I saw during the year the grave of my bio father. He died when I was 6. No emotion yet. The dam walls I built were very strong.All this is slowly coming out after all these years.
The mother has the rock solid foundation of knowing that she is the mother of the child ( and usually knows who the father is, despite I feel what they might say ) but what does the child have whose identity is kept from them for 2 decades +. Its the duty of the mother to tell the child same as it is the childs right to know.

From my exp. the child is always subconsciously asking "who created me".

Love and Light to you
C

[trippex]

TAKE IT TO YOUR GRAVE!! DO NOT TELL THE CHILD!!! SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE UNLESS YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO FOR SURE.

[Lea8427]

I have a similair issue. My son is almost 7 and has only known my husband to be his dad, he has brought him up since he was a yr old with no involvement from his biological father. We recently married and had a child so we have the same surname and my sons is different, he has already questioned this. His biological father was given an opportunity in writing to see his son and didnt even acknowledge the letter. He also has an older daughter that he sees as and when cos he no longer lives in this country. I had the same situation, i saw my biological father til i was maybe 3yrs old then it stopped. I was told about him when i was 12 and didnt meet him until 2yrs ago, im now 27! When is best to tell my son the truth? I would appreciate advice.

[mdbaby79]

What mommy_2010 says is I feel quite valid. I understand your side too and you want to protect your son from a harmful effect but the longer you hide it from him the worse will be the side effect on him and as a result you. If you decide to put it off then as someone else said, 18 years of age would be the correct time. Why withhold a truth such as that from a soul? How can you expect him to be the best he can be missing such a vital piece of information about himself? Yes, I am speaking from my experience. It held me back all my life this secret about my bio father who I never knew about or met because he dies when I was six.
"To not decide is to decide"

[mdbaby79]

sorry it should be :

not to decide is to decide!

[mykidsmyworld143]

I am going through basically the same thing as you; my son is 10 and my husband is not his bio dad, but has been the only father he has known since he was 3. Our son has a diff last name than us and now we have a daughter together. Our family is complete but I feel terrible for keeping this secret from him. He has asked questions about having a diff last name than us but we change the subject or say its because we weren't married when he was born. I have been thinking hard about telling him the truth before he gets any older. I am sure it will hurt his feelings, but I would rather him find out from us than someone else.

[vhl]

How do you get over the hurt of feeling like you've missed out on part of your life?  My sister is so deeply hurt and angry that my mother refused to tell her who her biological father is.  She thinks he may be dead as he would be in his 90s or so.  She would like to fill in the puzzle to the missing pieces in her life. She feels my mother selfishly is perserving her own self-worth while her own has been extrememly damaged.  She is a very caring person and is very nice. However, she feels she doesn't have an identity and can never be complete. How can she heal from this pain and suffering?  

[evansdj]

I am about to do that hardest thing thus far, tell my son my husband is not his fathre. I have struggled with this decision for many years and now since family members have fallen apart I fear one of them night tell my son. I would hate for my son to find out from someone else. When he was a baby I moved away and left no information for his biodad to our where abouts. He was a good man and I didn't feel like he cared about my son at all. I married my husband soon after and before my son turned 1yr old we had my husband's name put on his birth certificate. My son has my husband's lastname. This was something that we were never going to tell him, but with the family issues and I recently found his biodad on FB to get an accurate medical history. His biodad says he searched for us and really wants to see his son. He says his was young and dumb then and he has a right to see his son. The time frame is 10yrs. I am planning on telling my son Sat. I am so scared and nervous... How do I know I am making the right decision?

[mulcahyc74]

I am in a similar situation. My son is almost 8 and his biological father has been out of the picture since my son was 5 mos. old. I met a man, and had a daughter when my son was 2, we've lived with my daughter's father for the past 5 years and my son has always just called him "daddy". We never got married and we are currently in the middle of separating. He is filing for shared custody of BOTH my children, though my son is not his. According to the courts, he is able to file since he has acted as his father for the past 5 years. I have always wanted to tell my son about his biological father, but have never had the guts to do it and now I feel like I need to.

[neen8699]

Know this before going into it.  Your child will always know who daddy is!!  My child is 4 and the few times she sees her biological father he tries the hey it is daddy thing with her.  She tells him you are not my daddy.  It is going to be a bit confusing but no matter what age they know in there own way what a sperm doner is.  It is who plays the role of the father that gets all the credit

[dallaszombie345]

I just found out my daughter isn't mine - she is 13. I was broke up with the person, who is now my ex-wife, when she told me she was pregnant 13 years ago, but the conception time is possible.

I asked her if I was the dad when she told me she was pregnant, when I was signing the paternity acknowledgement forms and a number of times throughout the years. I have always had a good sense of intuition and it always bothered me. I didn't do anything sooner because I thought I was just being paranoid and my lovely wife had always gave reassuring answers that I was the dad - she is also a habitual liar. I will always love my daughter and I doubt I will ever tell her.

A little background ... I was in Iraq working construction projects and was served with divorce papers in 2010.  I found out when I got home, the day before Halloween 2011, that she has had a minimum of 15 sexual encounters (I think probablly around an even 2 dozen) in a 10 month period prior to my return and filed for divorce since she "fell in love". To make matters worse, I found two "Swinger Sites" that she was on with two different men and each one led off by saying, "We are a classy educated couple interested in meeting select couples, but we have small children and scheduling can be an issue sometimes." - - - I did not sleep for two days and did not eat for four.

She intially denied everything, but when confronted with the computer she recanted.

She is very beautiful, demonstrates a classy "appearance", everyone thinks she can do no wrong, and is well liked. I have to admit, she is a fantastic mother. I am a great father, and was a great husband and provider. While I was away, I bought her a new Mercedes, let her go on numerous trips, took the family to the Bahamas (She actually used the bathing suit photos I took of her during the trip on her swinger sites) and asked her 3 times to meet me in Europe for two weeks, but she wouldn't go. I gave her between $5K and $6K a month for spending money and a maid, while the whole time she would drop the kids off to school and go have sex with these men in hotels and be back in time to pick the kids up.  God help me, I still had feelings for her.

Our divorce was final two weeks ago, but until recently, I was staying with my family in our 5 bedroom house until my apartment was ready ... I have sinced move out before it was ready.

Five days ago I received the DNA results. I stroked my daughter's hair with my hand one day and went into the closet to put in a plastic bag I received previously from the lab, then I pluked my hair and put in another bag. The results came in via email and I was afraid to open it, so I waited a few weeks. I had a couple of beers one night and everyone was asleep and I opened the email thinking it would be inconclusive or I was the dad - it said I had a 0% chance of being the dad. I screamed, " No ! " loudly and my new ex-wife came out and asked repeatedly what was wrong. I regained my composure and just swung the laptop in her direction. She said, "No, there is no way someone else could be the dad." She then started to cry and said she felt terrible and was seemily racking her brain trying to figure out who she had sex with at the time of conception, but said she was not seeing any men except me and has no idea who it could be.

I may believe her when she thought all this time I was the dad, but I need your opinions (especially you LADIES).

Is it possible she could not remember anyone else nearly 14 years ago? She was not as promiscuous back then.

It is driving me crazy - - - I need to know who the father is or something about him !!!

I think she is lying - she has hesitated slightly when I have asked her sometimes over the years and my gut tells me she knows, or has a good idea. I need to know! I can't go on for the rest of my life not knowing - some may say why, but it is just something I need to know since I have been lied to, used and decieved so much.

Thanks
Zombie in Dallas

[dallaszombie345]

I meant I was served with divorce papers in 2011 and I asked her over the year if I was the dad, not who the dad was since I always thought I was the biological father.

[specialmom]

Zombie in Dallas, to an outsider, the answer to your question "who is her father" seems so clear.  You are.  A father is not just DNA and you've always been this girls dad.  Love her just the same as you always have.  She deserves that.  

Maybe someday she'll know who her dna dad is, but she'll always think of you as her real dad.  Peace

[dallaszombie345]

Thanks Special Mom. I will never treat my daughter any different - I love her; she will always be my little princess.

I just need to know, is it possible fjor a woman not to remember who the father could be??

I can certainly recall who I was sleeping with at the time we were broke up.

I doubt my daughter will ever find out.

[specialmom]

Well, one would think that she could remember but the mind can also have a way of protecting itself by going numb and blanking out something that causes you pain.  Or she may well remember but not want to tell you or talk about it.  

It sounds like a hard situation.  good luck

[Becky1570]

I just found out on FB that my dad might not be my dad.  Both of my parents passed away and my possible bgiological father told me that my Mom told him she was pregnant but that she wanted to marry my dad.  So he joined the army and came back to town a couple of times, trying to find a way to tell me.  He even visited our family, although I don't remember.  I do kind of look like him and his kids.  I guess the only way to find out would be DNA testing.  I have so many feelings.  I feel guilty even considering having a relationship, but i'm also curious.  Of course, health history is important to know.  I haven't told anyone else except my husband.  I wish my Mom were alive so I could ask her.  I don't know if my dad (that raised me) even knew.

[Mark51yrs]

I have a much different situation but would appreciate feedback.  I'm 51 years old and found out recently that my father had an affair with another woman when married to my mother.  A child was conceived between them but the son has never been told about this relationship and his bio-father.  He grew up (now 45) knowing only the father married to his mother (they divorced when he was 7 yrs old).  I spoke with his mother and she denied having that kind of relationship with my father but requested I not pursue it any further.  I have seen pictures and a video of him and he looks much like my father and me.  My father admits to the possibility but doesn't want me to pursue any further either.  He is not in good health and 75 yrs old.  Should I contact my "brother" and let him know?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Welcome to the forum.  I just happened to see your post tagged onto an older one and thought I'd respond.  Ya know, there is no proof that your dad is this mans bio dad.  And the 'parents' are not wanting to pursue this.  This man has no idea and this may really rock  his world.  Perhaps the man he knows as DAD doesn't know either and this could cause problems.  I think that I would let this go.  I know that is hard----  but this isn't your secret to tell, really.  Good luck dear

[Mark51yrs]

Very good advice and similar to most of what I've heard from family and friends.  I appreciate this is the "parents' secret but when it potentially effects the rest of the family, it becomes our secret.  He should know the truth and have the opportunity to pursue this further.  Also, his genetic history may be important as he gets older (my father has been battling prostrate cancer).  The decision to contact him may only be realized as a good/bad decision in hindsight!

[specialmom]

In all sincerity, I think you are overstepping your bounds.  He has a life and he may NOT EVEN BE THIS MAN'S CHILD.  You don't know for sure and your desire to get involved seems a little bit more about what you want and concerns me about your motivation.  He may be perfectly happy and not need this intrusion into his life.  Hindsight could also show you that taking matters into your own hands was a bad decision as well.  good luck

[Mark51yrs]

Based on his appearance and information obtained from my parents, he is definitely my father's son.....he looks more like my father than I do.  So this is not the question, something that can be confirmed by DNA testing.

The real question in my mind is does he have the right to know his history?  I believe so.

[specialmom]

Well, your mind seems made up and I guess you just wanted confirmation.  I still feel like you are overstepping your bounds.  Perhaps this will cause problems with this man that you aren't aware of.  Perhaps it will cause the man he knows as FATHER to have some issue---  all for the sake of reuniting him with a stranger that is dying.  I don't know.  If the people that were invovled with the situation from the begining----  the parents don't want to do it and you feel you know better than everyone, then there is no stopping you.  It could go either way.  I wonder if some of this has to do with your grief over your dad yourself.  I'm sorry that he is sick.  good luck with whatever happens.

[mahsgirl]

Hi,
I am 21 years old and I live with my mom and step-dad.  I do not have contact with my biological father; however, my step-dad has been there for me since I was 3 years old so he's been my dad since I can remember.  Anyway, I grew up as an only child.. spoiled.. overly loved.. etc.. well this past December my Dad (step-dad) found out he has a 19 year old son.  It was shocking and amazing news.  I wasn't quite sure how to handle it.. (I still live at home so I got to see both parents reactions).  

You see, my dad dated this girl 19 years ago and she moved to out of state.. she failed to tell my dad that she was indeed pregnant with his child... so years pass and he continues to live his life- coaching my soccer team- being an active parent in my life.  Well, his son, my step-brother, ended up contacting my mom through facebook because it was the only way he could get ahold of my dad (my brothers mom had told him my dads name when he was younger so he went his whole life knowing my dads name and never being able to contact him).. anywho.. my mom and dad took a trip to the state in which he lived and found out that he's lived a pretty rough life- in and out of foster care- getting into trouble etc.. well to make a long story short, he now lives with us and I find it very difficult to cope.

I feel like it's my responsibility to find him friends.. to get him out there.. to make him feel like home in our city; however, it's a lot harder than it seems.  He used to get into a lot of trouble with the law and really lacks common sense but he's very intelligent book wise.  I just feel hopeless.  I want him to be happy- I want my parents to be happy- I WANT TO BE HAPPY.  It all happened so fast and I feel like I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility for him and his happiness... I'm not sure how to find him 'friends' he's a few years younger than me and doesn't drink or smoke (weed or cigarettes) which I do all three.  I am not about to become a bad influence on someone whose been given a brand new start in a brand new town...

UGH I don't know.. can anyone help me out on this???  How do I cope.. HELP!! IM COMPLETELY LOST AND HOPELESS.

[mahsgirl]

You should tell him.  My step-dad has been like my father sine I was 3.  I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.  It's nothing you should be ashamed of and you should make that clear to your son that it's nothing he should be ashamed of.  It takes anyone to be a father but someone special to be a dad.

[mama2003]

I know your original post is old but I stumbled upon it. I have 3 children, and all 3 have different bio-dads. I got pregnant young (16) and my first husband and I were living together for a few years before we separated. Even after separation we were the best of friends and trying to work things out, we loved each other but had trouble living together so we raised DD together, but living apart.

I started casually dating someone else, and even though I used a condom AND was on the pill, somehow I concieved a baby. I was not in a committed relationship with DS's father, and my ex wanted to raise DD and DS together as a family (and accept him as his own). Unfortunately my ex suffered from Bipolar Disorder (the reason we were living apart) and took his own life while I was pregnant.

I moved to a new city, changed my last name and started a whole new life with DD. A couple of months after moving (still pregnant) I made a new friend who would (unexpectedly) become my husband. My DD started calling him daddy on her own when she was 3 years old, and we never corrected her. She still has close contact with her bio dad's mom and siblings and she knows that she has a "daddy paul" (bio dad, name changed) in addition to her "real" daddy. We call my husband her "real daddy" because in this house your "real" parents are the parents that love and raise you. It's biology that's the irrelevant factor in this house.

My daughter's "other" family treat my boys (DH and I also have one child between us) exactly the same and they are all considered grandkids and nephews. They ask questions (they are 8,5,2) and we answer them honestly at their own age level.

My 8 year old has specified that she does NOT want to hear about her bio dad. Everyone respects those wishes. She wants to be part of this family and that's that. HOWEVER we have told her since DAY ONE about having another dad, and it's just as normal to her as anything.

My 5 year old has started to ask now "was Daddy paul my daddy too?" and I said "no, but you do have another dad like Lexi does and yours is different" and he said "did he die too?" and I said "no, he didn't die, but he's not around because you already have daddy, what do you need an extra daddy for?" I also explained that when parents get a baby they do "mommy daddy kissy stuff" (haha, ok, I'm not perfect) and the baby goes in the mom's belly. I explained that even though I did mommy daddy kissy stuff with someone else to MAKE him, it was Daddy who was there when I was pregnant, and when he was born and he's always been there.

He said "ok" and never talks about it. My DD recently told her friends "I'm german because my daddy's german" knowing full well her bio dad was italian.

I know this is long winded, but the point I'm trying to get at is I know from experience that when a child is raised knowing about this... it's not a big deal. My kids have known from day one that they have "other dads" and not only do they not bring it up, but they don't care! They both have the position that their daddy is their daddy and that's that!

I think kids that seek out their natural parents usually do so because of that "bombshell" moment other posters referred to. My kids have always recieved the (age appropriate) truth and it's just a fact of life for them. They don't talk about it ever. We all have the same last name, and my husband has been daddy as long as any of them can remember.

We don't consider ourselves a step-family at all, we're just a family :) I say, go ahead and tell your son if you feel he is still YOUNG enough, but contrary to other posters I DO NOT think it's better to wait until they're older. The older they get, the more it hurts their sense of identity when the "lie" they've been living comes crashing down around them. You might be surprised... if you approach it in the right way (explaining it as a scientific fact and NOT referring to the other man as a "dad" because he wasn't a "dad" he was never around). I think you'd be surprised how much your son can handle.

That of course depends on your own situation and your own kid, and only you can make that decision. :)

[specialmom]

Thanks mama for sharing your story!  I think that will be helpful to many folks and you handled things very well.  Yep, your a good mama!  

[Richelle221]

You will know when the time is right, when they show the maturity to handle Things in his own way and it's a good way he is mature enough! To soon could cause an idenity problem for them. Good luck and best wishes for both of you!

[mdbaby79]

from personal experience ( as a son )  the truth is always the right decision even if it causes pain, hurt anger etc because the lies will do exactly that anyway and he'll feel you let him down loads by never having the courage/ honesty to give him the truth however he finds out in the end

[punk42]

My mother remarried when I was a baby. I didn't remember my bio father but my brother who is three yrs older did. My step father adopted us then my mother and he had a son. I can't say my step father was a bad father, he wasn't but he always favored his biological son over my brother and I esp when we got older. I found out by accident when I was 12 yrs old my step father was not my bio father. I found out when I was 30 yrs old my bio father tried to see us but my mother wouldn't let him. I finally found out about him two years ago, he died a couple of years after my mother did, she was 62 when she died, he was 67. All I have is pictures of him and testimony from a relative that he really wanted to see us. I feel cheated because I was denied seeing him or having a relationship with him. Also from the pictures when he was young and when I was young we look alike eye color, mouth, shape of face, only thing that doesn't look alike is nose, I guess I got my mothers nose. I think children should have an option regarding whether they want to see their bio parents and the custodial parent should not prevent it. I have forgiven my mother and I know she thought she was doing the right thing and I'm glad I at least found out about him, but deep down I still feel cheated. Maybe if my step father had thought about my brother and I the same as he did his real son I would feel differently on the other hand is that even possible. There's the old saying blood is thicker than water. signed a daughter who feels cheated.

[julz679]

I told my son the truth as a matter of fact style. Not a sit down I have soemething SCARRY and SERIOUS to tell you. He will be 10 in March.Children have the right to the TRUTH or they'll feel. The one they trusted the most LIED to them EVEN  for thier own good. It's a LIE. I have good communication with my sons. Sex, where babies come from, menstration, pedophiles...As christians I explained the differant kinds of fathers. Heavenly father GOD, bio/sperm dad, and a dad that CHOSE to make you his special son. He said. Why didn't I tell him before. I explained that because now he is smarter and could REALLY understand what I was talking about. That was just DAYS ago. So far. He is daddy boy no matter what. I TRULY give GOD the honor and praise for me being able to do this. I just couldn't lie to my son. No not me. I pray this helps.