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When to tell son who his real father is?
Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.
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I REALLY THINK FOR MY OWN EXPERIENCE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO LIE TO NOBODY SPECIALLY YOUR OWN BLOOD ,AS SOON YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER,I THINK THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH MAKE THE DIFFERENCE ,REMEMBER,I HAVE THE SAME SITUATION AND I START VERY EARLIER WITH MY SON WHEN HE ASK I ANSWER WITH NO DRAMA AND THE MOST IMPORTANT NO REGRETS.I ALWAYS MAKE HIM FEEL  THAT HI'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY  LIFE ,AND WE THE ADULTS SOME TIME ACT LIKE LEST THAN A KIDS AND MADE STUPIDS DECISIONS AND SOME OF THEM AFFECT OTHERS.NEVER IN YOUR LIFE TALK BAD ABOUT THE FATHER ,AND ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW THAT IS THE BEST IN THE WEST .WHY? BECAUSE KIDS DO NOT KNOW DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PARENTS AT LESS YOU TEACH HIM.DO NOT PLANT ANY BAD SEED IN HIS HART ,HE'LL BE A GOOD MAN IN THE FUTURE ,BELIEVE ME ,NEVER HIDE THE TRUTH,AND WHEN YOU TELL IT DO IT WITH CARE,REMEMBER KIDS DO NOT ASK TO CAME TO THIS WORLD WE DO IT BECAUSE WE MADE AN ACT OF PASSION AND LOVE. SEE,THE LIFE IS EASY WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE,

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I REALLY THINK FOR MY OWN EXPERIENCE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO LIE TO NOBODY SPECIALLY YOUR OWN BLOOD ,AS SOON YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER,I THINK THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH MAKE THE DIFFERENCE ,REMEMBER,I HAVE THE SAME SITUATION AND I START VERY EARLIER WITH MY SON WHEN HE ASK I ANSWER WITH NO DRAMA AND THE MOST IMPORTANT NO REGRETS.I ALWAYS MAKE HIM FEEL  THAT HI'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY  LIFE ,AND WE THE ADULTS SOME TIME ACT LIKE LEST THAN A KIDS AND MADE STUPIDS DECISIONS AND SOME OF THEM AFFECT OTHERS.NEVER IN YOUR LIFE TALK BAD ABOUT THE FATHER ,AND ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW THAT IS THE BEST IN THE WEST .WHY? BECAUSE KIDS DO NOT KNOW DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PARENTS AT LESS YOU TEACH HIM.DO NOT PLANT ANY BAD SEED IN HIS HART ,HE'LL BE A GOOD MAN IN THE FUTURE ,BELIEVE ME ,NEVER HIDE THE TRUTH,AND WHEN YOU TELL IT DO IT WITH CARE,REMEMBER KIDS DO NOT ASK TO CAME TO THIS WORLD WE DO IT BECAUSE WE MADE AN ACT OF PASSION AND LOVE. SEE,THE LIFE IS EASY WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE,

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Such a subject with so many different views. I was raised by my mom and dad (stepfather), who showed me that family isn't in your blood... but in your heart. I think i also raised my children with that ideal. But now i am at a crossroad that scares me to death. I am raising my grandson 14, he lived with me from birth to 18 months, when he was allowed to go home to his mom and dad. Dad (my son). He has been living with me for 5 years now, i have custody... given to me by his dad. Both his mom and dad live here in town, "Chris" see's both of them, not daily. My problem is... how do i explain to him that his dad is not his biological father? His mom cheated and didn't tell anyone untill after Chris was living with them, and they were splitting up. At this point in Chris's life he is doing very well in school, football, socializing, etc. He isn't liking his dad much, due to his dad's lack of attention, and it seems as though the last couple times he has come home from visiting his mom, there is some new reason to feel sorry for her. I am afraid due to a comment his mom made, (the only family they have is himself, his sister 13, (lives with mom), her and her new husband(worthless), that something is up. I wouldn't put it past her to tell him "Danny" isn't his real father in the hopes of pulling him away from us emoitionally. (longer story to all of this). But i am sure he needs to know at some point in his life...  and i just don't know when or how... and his feelings, he wears on his sleave.
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I also have a 9 yr old daughter and also with the same background... I'm married know and she does know that she has a different biological father, but who she thinks is her father is not... Both men are losers And have nothing to do with my kids by court orders... My husband know is saving money to adopt both my kids... I wanna tell her but don't want her to think or feel bad.... I too don't know when I'll tell her....
When my husband and I got together her brother was 1 so he didn't know any other except his step dad as his real dad. He was named after his biological father.  Then when he came home from school, he asked me cause the kids at school told him " if your a jr then your named after you dad". He told me my name is jarrod and dads name is Raymond how could this be? He was 6yrs old at this time and I didn't want to have that conversation with him at 6. But I did and he totally understood and was not mad at me for keeping it from him. He told me that he was glad I told him and not kept hiding it... Yes his biological father is bad news but my little not didn't let that bother him it made him a better kid for know and I hope forever! Now about my daughter, one day I always said I'd tell her she has a different father than jarrod at the age of 10yrs. Old but I don't know if she will... Some kids will handle it and some wont.... They both know who loves them and that's daddy know, my husband who we also have other kids together.
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1899400 tn?1333127736
Hi,

I understand your story/dilemma fully . Please dont wait until hes grown up as is happening with me right now. My mom never felt it safe to tell me because as she says I was unstable and depressed since 18 and according to medical/psychological advice it would be unsafe to tell somebody something like that in that state. This is mistake number 1 in my book as the mother removes the responsibility that is on her shoulders onto some "professional" and due to tremendous fear will believe anything they say! Its just a cycle of fear where the mother is not in touch with herself. But I feel that during her indeciseiveness about revealing this it turned more to protect herself and I suffered tremendously in my life. All I ever wanted I think deep down was to be told the truth from her so we could have a genuine mother/son relationship. So it was a double whammy for me because even though my birth mother was always there for me and bent over backwards for me and sibs. it never felt right for me. I always felt there was something wrong, I didnt fit in.  She tried I suppose to overcompensate to make up for not telling me the truth. ( Remembr learning honesty is the best policy in school !)Children know these things aswell. They pick up on mothers energy and that they are being treated somehow differently, being protected from something and  the world. It has disastrous consequences because hiding the harshness of the fact that the bio father has passed away ( mine passed when I was 6 unknown to me, i found out recently that I was brough to his burial ) and by extension the harshness of the world to the child it creates confusion, anger, resentment towards the mothers hesitation to tell the child. This is what I am contending with now. Everyone can handle the truth. Its the secrecy that destroys things and prevents things from ever properly developing. In my opinion ( from my case ) its the mothers feelings of unresolved deep guilt/ shame that a child came into the world unplanned/ in improper circumstances that also need to b looked at. Remember the child is innocent ( as much as can be anyway ! )in this drama that the adults put into motion.

But yes, a very complex situation. Homosapiens are very complex animals. Talking is whats needed.Trust yourself. Try to get in touch with your universal motherly love that cares for everyone no matter where they came from, who they are and when you are there I feel you can tell your son. There might be short term repercussions etc from him but you can take that when you are strong yourself.
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1899400 tn?1333127736
Hi,

I understand your story/dilemma fully . Please dont wait until hes grown up as is happening with me right now. My mom never felt it safe to tell me because as she says I was unstable and depressed since 18 and according to medical/psychological advice it would be unsafe to tell somebody something like that in that state. This is mistake number 1 in my book as the mother removes the responsibility that is on her shoulders onto some "professional" and due to tremendous fear will believe anything they say! Its just a cycle of fear where the mother is not in touch with herself. But I feel that during her indeciseiveness about revealing this it turned more to protect herself and I suffered tremendously in my life. All I ever wanted I think deep down was to be told the truth from her so we could have a genuine mother/son relationship. So it was a double whammy for me because even though my birth mother was always there for me and bent over backwards for me and sibs. it never felt right for me. I always felt there was something wrong, I didnt fit in.  She tried I suppose to overcompensate to make up for not telling me the truth. ( Remembr learning honesty is the best policy in school !)Children know these things aswell. They pick up on mothers energy and that they are being treated somehow differently, being protected from something and  the world. It has disastrous consequences because hiding the harshness of the fact that the bio father has passed away ( mine passed when I was 6 unknown to me, i found out recently that I was brough to his burial ) and by extension the harshness of the world to the child it creates confusion, anger, resentment towards the mothers hesitation to tell the child. This is what I am contending with now. Everyone can handle the truth. Its the secrecy that destroys things and prevents things from ever properly developing. In my opinion ( from my case ) its the mothers feelings of unresolved deep guilt/ shame that a child came into the world unplanned/ in improper circumstances that also need to b looked at. Remember the child is innocent ( as much as can be anyway ! )in this drama that the adults put into motion.

But yes, a very complex situation. Homosapiens are very complex animals. Talking is whats needed.Trust yourself. Try to get in touch with your universal motherly love that cares for everyone no matter where they came from, who they are and when you are there I feel you can tell your son. There might be short term repercussions etc from him but you can take that when you are strong yourself.
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1899400 tn?1333127736
God I am with you, I am with you in the same boat. Its the colossal fear of the parent (s) to accept,acknowledge  that you came into the world ( in my case anyway )in a non planned way, be it an affair whatever. By not telling you as early as possible they break a natural law ( you need to know who your parents are ) and everyone suffers.

"taken for a fool" given the run around, deceived, betrayed you name it Im feeling these now too.and its all to do with that things like these childs know when they are yiung on a very deep level so deep that they grow up knowing that something isnt right way down there. the foundation is not laid for a normal life.

Take it easy on yourself coming to terms
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1899400 tn?1333127736
I am in that boat too. I am 32 and found out thru my jealous aunt!.
My story is though I always felt I knew deep down so I've gone through the whole depressive period, wandering in foggy forest life, a haunted life,feeling like a ghost, that noone could see me even for 14 years + since I was 18. It seems to be different for each one. I am doing family constellations therapy here. Maybe it might be worth investigating if there is a practising therapist near you.

It is helping me to release the emotions that I've had to block my whole life.
http://www.familyconstellations.net/

God Bless You
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1899400 tn?1333127736
Wisdom for the ages.

The whole lesson goes to teach the adults deeper faith in themselves and thei childs or as Emerson put it " The whole course of things goes to teach us faith "

Burying eternal truths like these so they become toxic shameful secrets with life of their own and to intensify the pain all unknown to the child is the most harmful thing in the world. I can testify with God as my witness.
In my opinion and from direct personal experience, "All the mommies and daddies need to sit up and listen real hard with their hearts. What opopl wrote is from the heart and cant be disputed.




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1899400 tn?1333127736
Same for me. I found out ( although I always felt deep down something needed to be told me ) last Nov. It sounds that your mom is going to assist you and not run and hide in shame. That is good for you. But I know what you man when you say that you cant believe it. For me its like I am coming out of a coma. Like I was gently put to sleep of ever knowing this knowledge while the adults around me kept it all inside. I have much anger,rage that they had this secret knowledge of me. They empowered themselves while I was disempowered.

My bio dad dies when I was 6 1/2 and I never new that I had a diff dad and that he even doesnt live anymore, Relationship with normal dad I grew up with was never good and now its gotten to the disownment stage. Shakespeare will never be far away.

Time and severe struggles have galvanised me against such things now.
Heart only wants to give love and understanding now. No other way to go.

God Bless You
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1899400 tn?1333127736
The same thing happened for me only that I was 6 when my bio dad died suddenly. I only found all this out last year and I am 32 now. I am in shock and sick and am not yet able to let all the anger,rage, sadness, sorrow that has built up out. Take courage. Maybe you can visit your local church and ask for advice from the priest there. They normally have heard of everything and could lend an understanding ear and advise you best. I am saying this because my mother got advice from "doctors/ experts etc" that it is best not to revela such a thing to an unstable child!. She never made the link that I was becoming unstable ( depressed, losing interest in life , myself, low self esteem, self confidence  etc ) because I was missing this information which others had ( my mother and her sister ) It might seem like I am trying to pin the tail on the donkey here or find a convenient scapegoat but I was very sensitive ( like all children I suppose ) 3rd child  so feel I was aware that something was never right at home concerning me. This revelation is slowly coming to light for me.  I am sorry to be replying to so many other posts but I need to remember the truth of my being.

Increase your faith in your compassionate motherly love that can soothe all pain and hurts and that every child craves. Strengthen yourself and believe that the Truth is the only policy if you want to avoid further pain in the future for both yourself, your daughter and other close people involved. Secrets affect everyone I feel in the family.
Let us know how you get on.
God Bless You.

C

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1899400 tn?1333127736
Hi,

How are you getting on now 4yrs after this writing?
I am in very similar situation since last year. I hope that time has healed and you were able to move on with your own life.
God Bless
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1899400 tn?1333127736
Hi Linda48,

Yes, truth will set you free. Why wait for years for that to happen, a time when so much will have built up in between and which will make the decision even harder.
I am like your daughter. My bio father died unknown to me ( didnt know I had a diff bio father, didnt know he doesnt live anymore ) when I was 6. 1985. I am only finding this out since last year.
Hope it worked out. Im sure it did. Time heals everything.
God Bless
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1899400 tn?1333127736
Hi Lovelylaura25,
I'm sorry if this is a second reply but I wanted to say that I have similar story.
I saw during the year the grave of my bio father. He died when I was 6. No emotion yet. The dam walls I built were very strong.All this is slowly coming out after all these years.
The mother has the rock solid foundation of knowing that she is the mother of the child ( and usually knows who the father is, despite I feel what they might say ) but what does the child have whose identity is kept from them for 2 decades +. Its the duty of the mother to tell the child same as it is the childs right to know.

From my exp. the child is always subconsciously asking "who created me".

Love and Light to you
C

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TAKE IT TO YOUR GRAVE!! DO NOT TELL THE CHILD!!! SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE UNLESS YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO FOR SURE.
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I have a similair issue. My son is almost 7 and has only known my husband to be his dad, he has brought him up since he was a yr old with no involvement from his biological father. We recently married and had a child so we have the same surname and my sons is different, he has already questioned this. His biological father was given an opportunity in writing to see his son and didnt even acknowledge the letter. He also has an older daughter that he sees as and when cos he no longer lives in this country. I had the same situation, i saw my biological father til i was maybe 3yrs old then it stopped. I was told about him when i was 12 and didnt meet him until 2yrs ago, im now 27! When is best to tell my son the truth? I would appreciate advice.
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1899400 tn?1333127736
What mommy_2010 says is I feel quite valid. I understand your side too and you want to protect your son from a harmful effect but the longer you hide it from him the worse will be the side effect on him and as a result you. If you decide to put it off then as someone else said, 18 years of age would be the correct time. Why withhold a truth such as that from a soul? How can you expect him to be the best he can be missing such a vital piece of information about himself? Yes, I am speaking from my experience. It held me back all my life this secret about my bio father who I never knew about or met because he dies when I was six.
"To not decide is to decide"
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1899400 tn?1333127736
sorry it should be :

not to decide is to decide!
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I am going through basically the same thing as you; my son is 10 and my husband is not his bio dad, but has been the only father he has known since he was 3. Our son has a diff last name than us and now we have a daughter together. Our family is complete but I feel terrible for keeping this secret from him. He has asked questions about having a diff last name than us but we change the subject or say its because we weren't married when he was born. I have been thinking hard about telling him the truth before he gets any older. I am sure it will hurt his feelings, but I would rather him find out from us than someone else.
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How do you get over the hurt of feeling like you've missed out on part of your life?  My sister is so deeply hurt and angry that my mother refused to tell her who her biological father is.  She thinks he may be dead as he would be in his 90s or so.  She would like to fill in the puzzle to the missing pieces in her life. She feels my mother selfishly is perserving her own self-worth while her own has been extrememly damaged.  She is a very caring person and is very nice. However, she feels she doesn't have an identity and can never be complete. How can she heal from this pain and suffering?  
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I am about to do that hardest thing thus far, tell my son my husband is not his fathre. I have struggled with this decision for many years and now since family members have fallen apart I fear one of them night tell my son. I would hate for my son to find out from someone else. When he was a baby I moved away and left no information for his biodad to our where abouts. He was a good man and I didn't feel like he cared about my son at all. I married my husband soon after and before my son turned 1yr old we had my husband's name put on his birth certificate. My son has my husband's lastname. This was something that we were never going to tell him, but with the family issues and I recently found his biodad on FB to get an accurate medical history. His biodad says he searched for us and really wants to see his son. He says his was young and dumb then and he has a right to see his son. The time frame is 10yrs. I am planning on telling my son Sat. I am so scared and nervous... How do I know I am making the right decision?
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I am in a similar situation. My son is almost 8 and his biological father has been out of the picture since my son was 5 mos. old. I met a man, and had a daughter when my son was 2, we've lived with my daughter's father for the past 5 years and my son has always just called him "daddy". We never got married and we are currently in the middle of separating. He is filing for shared custody of BOTH my children, though my son is not his. According to the courts, he is able to file since he has acted as his father for the past 5 years. I have always wanted to tell my son about his biological father, but have never had the guts to do it and now I feel like I need to.
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Know this before going into it.  Your child will always know who daddy is!!  My child is 4 and the few times she sees her biological father he tries the hey it is daddy thing with her.  She tells him you are not my daddy.  It is going to be a bit confusing but no matter what age they know in there own way what a sperm doner is.  It is who plays the role of the father that gets all the credit
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I just found out my daughter isn't mine - she is 13. I was broke up with the person, who is now my ex-wife, when she told me she was pregnant 13 years ago, but the conception time is possible.

I asked her if I was the dad when she told me she was pregnant, when I was signing the paternity acknowledgement forms and a number of times throughout the years. I have always had a good sense of intuition and it always bothered me. I didn't do anything sooner because I thought I was just being paranoid and my lovely wife had always gave reassuring answers that I was the dad - she is also a habitual liar. I will always love my daughter and I doubt I will ever tell her.

A little background ... I was in Iraq working construction projects and was served with divorce papers in 2010.  I found out when I got home, the day before Halloween 2011, that she has had a minimum of 15 sexual encounters (I think probablly around an even 2 dozen) in a 10 month period prior to my return and filed for divorce since she "fell in love". To make matters worse, I found two "Swinger Sites" that she was on with two different men and each one led off by saying, "We are a classy educated couple interested in meeting select couples, but we have small children and scheduling can be an issue sometimes." - - - I did not sleep for two days and did not eat for four.

She intially denied everything, but when confronted with the computer she recanted.

She is very beautiful, demonstrates a classy "appearance", everyone thinks she can do no wrong, and is well liked. I have to admit, she is a fantastic mother. I am a great father, and was a great husband and provider. While I was away, I bought her a new Mercedes, let her go on numerous trips, took the family to the Bahamas (She actually used the bathing suit photos I took of her during the trip on her swinger sites) and asked her 3 times to meet me in Europe for two weeks, but she wouldn't go. I gave her between $5K and $6K a month for spending money and a maid, while the whole time she would drop the kids off to school and go have sex with these men in hotels and be back in time to pick the kids up.  God help me, I still had feelings for her.

Our divorce was final two weeks ago, but until recently, I was staying with my family in our 5 bedroom house until my apartment was ready ... I have sinced move out before it was ready.

Five days ago I received the DNA results. I stroked my daughter's hair with my hand one day and went into the closet to put in a plastic bag I received previously from the lab, then I pluked my hair and put in another bag. The results came in via email and I was afraid to open it, so I waited a few weeks. I had a couple of beers one night and everyone was asleep and I opened the email thinking it would be inconclusive or I was the dad - it said I had a 0% chance of being the dad. I screamed, " No ! " loudly and my new ex-wife came out and asked repeatedly what was wrong. I regained my composure and just swung the laptop in her direction. She said, "No, there is no way someone else could be the dad." She then started to cry and said she felt terrible and was seemily racking her brain trying to figure out who she had sex with at the time of conception, but said she was not seeing any men except me and has no idea who it could be.

I may believe her when she thought all this time I was the dad, but I need your opinions (especially you LADIES).

Is it possible she could not remember anyone else nearly 14 years ago? She was not as promiscuous back then.

It is driving me crazy - - - I need to know who the father is or something about him !!!

I think she is lying - she has hesitated slightly when I have asked her sometimes over the years and my gut tells me she knows, or has a good idea. I need to know! I can't go on for the rest of my life not knowing - some may say why, but it is just something I need to know since I have been lied to, used and decieved so much.

Thanks
Zombie in Dallas
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I meant I was served with divorce papers in 2011 and I asked her over the year if I was the dad, not who the dad was since I always thought I was the biological father.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Zombie in Dallas, to an outsider, the answer to your question "who is her father" seems so clear.  You are.  A father is not just DNA and you've always been this girls dad.  Love her just the same as you always have.  She deserves that.  

Maybe someday she'll know who her dna dad is, but she'll always think of you as her real dad.  Peace
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Thanks Special Mom. I will never treat my daughter any different - I love her; she will always be my little princess.

I just need to know, is it possible fjor a woman not to remember who the father could be??

I can certainly recall who I was sleeping with at the time we were broke up.

I doubt my daughter will ever find out.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, one would think that she could remember but the mind can also have a way of protecting itself by going numb and blanking out something that causes you pain.  Or she may well remember but not want to tell you or talk about it.  

It sounds like a hard situation.  good luck
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I just found out on FB that my dad might not be my dad.  Both of my parents passed away and my possible bgiological father told me that my Mom told him she was pregnant but that she wanted to marry my dad.  So he joined the army and came back to town a couple of times, trying to find a way to tell me.  He even visited our family, although I don't remember.  I do kind of look like him and his kids.  I guess the only way to find out would be DNA testing.  I have so many feelings.  I feel guilty even considering having a relationship, but i'm also curious.  Of course, health history is important to know.  I haven't told anyone else except my husband.  I wish my Mom were alive so I could ask her.  I don't know if my dad (that raised me) even knew.
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I have a much different situation but would appreciate feedback.  I'm 51 years old and found out recently that my father had an affair with another woman when married to my mother.  A child was conceived between them but the son has never been told about this relationship and his bio-father.  He grew up (now 45) knowing only the father married to his mother (they divorced when he was 7 yrs old).  I spoke with his mother and she denied having that kind of relationship with my father but requested I not pursue it any further.  I have seen pictures and a video of him and he looks much like my father and me.  My father admits to the possibility but doesn't want me to pursue any further either.  He is not in good health and 75 yrs old.  Should I contact my "brother" and let him know?
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Welcome to the forum.  I just happened to see your post tagged onto an older one and thought I'd respond.  Ya know, there is no proof that your dad is this mans bio dad.  And the 'parents' are not wanting to pursue this.  This man has no idea and this may really rock  his world.  Perhaps the man he knows as DAD doesn't know either and this could cause problems.  I think that I would let this go.  I know that is hard----  but this isn't your secret to tell, really.  Good luck dear
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Very good advice and similar to most of what I've heard from family and friends.  I appreciate this is the "parents' secret but when it potentially effects the rest of the family, it becomes our secret.  He should know the truth and have the opportunity to pursue this further.  Also, his genetic history may be important as he gets older (my father has been battling prostrate cancer).  The decision to contact him may only be realized as a good/bad decision in hindsight!
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973741 tn?1342346373
In all sincerity, I think you are overstepping your bounds.  He has a life and he may NOT EVEN BE THIS MAN'S CHILD.  You don't know for sure and your desire to get involved seems a little bit more about what you want and concerns me about your motivation.  He may be perfectly happy and not need this intrusion into his life.  Hindsight could also show you that taking matters into your own hands was a bad decision as well.  good luck
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Based on his appearance and information obtained from my parents, he is definitely my father's son.....he looks more like my father than I do.  So this is not the question, something that can be confirmed by DNA testing.

The real question in my mind is does he have the right to know his history?  I believe so.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, your mind seems made up and I guess you just wanted confirmation.  I still feel like you are overstepping your bounds.  Perhaps this will cause problems with this man that you aren't aware of.  Perhaps it will cause the man he knows as FATHER to have some issue---  all for the sake of reuniting him with a stranger that is dying.  I don't know.  If the people that were invovled with the situation from the begining----  the parents don't want to do it and you feel you know better than everyone, then there is no stopping you.  It could go either way.  I wonder if some of this has to do with your grief over your dad yourself.  I'm sorry that he is sick.  good luck with whatever happens.
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Hi,
I am 21 years old and I live with my mom and step-dad.  I do not have contact with my biological father; however, my step-dad has been there for me since I was 3 years old so he's been my dad since I can remember.  Anyway, I grew up as an only child.. spoiled.. overly loved.. etc.. well this past December my Dad (step-dad) found out he has a 19 year old son.  It was shocking and amazing news.  I wasn't quite sure how to handle it.. (I still live at home so I got to see both parents reactions).  

You see, my dad dated this girl 19 years ago and she moved to out of state.. she failed to tell my dad that she was indeed pregnant with his child... so years pass and he continues to live his life- coaching my soccer team- being an active parent in my life.  Well, his son, my step-brother, ended up contacting my mom through facebook because it was the only way he could get ahold of my dad (my brothers mom had told him my dads name when he was younger so he went his whole life knowing my dads name and never being able to contact him).. anywho.. my mom and dad took a trip to the state in which he lived and found out that he's lived a pretty rough life- in and out of foster care- getting into trouble etc.. well to make a long story short, he now lives with us and I find it very difficult to cope.

I feel like it's my responsibility to find him friends.. to get him out there.. to make him feel like home in our city; however, it's a lot harder than it seems.  He used to get into a lot of trouble with the law and really lacks common sense but he's very intelligent book wise.  I just feel hopeless.  I want him to be happy- I want my parents to be happy- I WANT TO BE HAPPY.  It all happened so fast and I feel like I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility for him and his happiness... I'm not sure how to find him 'friends' he's a few years younger than me and doesn't drink or smoke (weed or cigarettes) which I do all three.  I am not about to become a bad influence on someone whose been given a brand new start in a brand new town...

UGH I don't know.. can anyone help me out on this???  How do I cope.. HELP!! IM COMPLETELY LOST AND HOPELESS.
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You should tell him.  My step-dad has been like my father sine I was 3.  I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.  It's nothing you should be ashamed of and you should make that clear to your son that it's nothing he should be ashamed of.  It takes anyone to be a father but someone special to be a dad.
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I know your original post is old but I stumbled upon it. I have 3 children, and all 3 have different bio-dads. I got pregnant young (16) and my first husband and I were living together for a few years before we separated. Even after separation we were the best of friends and trying to work things out, we loved each other but had trouble living together so we raised DD together, but living apart.

I started casually dating someone else, and even though I used a condom AND was on the pill, somehow I concieved a baby. I was not in a committed relationship with DS's father, and my ex wanted to raise DD and DS together as a family (and accept him as his own). Unfortunately my ex suffered from Bipolar Disorder (the reason we were living apart) and took his own life while I was pregnant.

I moved to a new city, changed my last name and started a whole new life with DD. A couple of months after moving (still pregnant) I made a new friend who would (unexpectedly) become my husband. My DD started calling him daddy on her own when she was 3 years old, and we never corrected her. She still has close contact with her bio dad's mom and siblings and she knows that she has a "daddy paul" (bio dad, name changed) in addition to her "real" daddy. We call my husband her "real daddy" because in this house your "real" parents are the parents that love and raise you. It's biology that's the irrelevant factor in this house.

My daughter's "other" family treat my boys (DH and I also have one child between us) exactly the same and they are all considered grandkids and nephews. They ask questions (they are 8,5,2) and we answer them honestly at their own age level.

My 8 year old has specified that she does NOT want to hear about her bio dad. Everyone respects those wishes. She wants to be part of this family and that's that. HOWEVER we have told her since DAY ONE about having another dad, and it's just as normal to her as anything.

My 5 year old has started to ask now "was Daddy paul my daddy too?" and I said "no, but you do have another dad like Lexi does and yours is different" and he said "did he die too?" and I said "no, he didn't die, but he's not around because you already have daddy, what do you need an extra daddy for?" I also explained that when parents get a baby they do "mommy daddy kissy stuff" (haha, ok, I'm not perfect) and the baby goes in the mom's belly. I explained that even though I did mommy daddy kissy stuff with someone else to MAKE him, it was Daddy who was there when I was pregnant, and when he was born and he's always been there.

He said "ok" and never talks about it. My DD recently told her friends "I'm german because my daddy's german" knowing full well her bio dad was italian.

I know this is long winded, but the point I'm trying to get at is I know from experience that when a child is raised knowing about this... it's not a big deal. My kids have known from day one that they have "other dads" and not only do they not bring it up, but they don't care! They both have the position that their daddy is their daddy and that's that!

I think kids that seek out their natural parents usually do so because of that "bombshell" moment other posters referred to. My kids have always recieved the (age appropriate) truth and it's just a fact of life for them. They don't talk about it ever. We all have the same last name, and my husband has been daddy as long as any of them can remember.

We don't consider ourselves a step-family at all, we're just a family :) I say, go ahead and tell your son if you feel he is still YOUNG enough, but contrary to other posters I DO NOT think it's better to wait until they're older. The older they get, the more it hurts their sense of identity when the "lie" they've been living comes crashing down around them. You might be surprised... if you approach it in the right way (explaining it as a scientific fact and NOT referring to the other man as a "dad" because he wasn't a "dad" he was never around). I think you'd be surprised how much your son can handle.

That of course depends on your own situation and your own kid, and only you can make that decision. :)
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973741 tn?1342346373
Thanks mama for sharing your story!  I think that will be helpful to many folks and you handled things very well.  Yep, your a good mama!  
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You will know when the time is right, when they show the maturity to handle Things in his own way and it's a good way he is mature enough! To soon could cause an idenity problem for them. Good luck and best wishes for both of you!
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1899400 tn?1333127736
from personal experience ( as a son )  the truth is always the right decision even if it causes pain, hurt anger etc because the lies will do exactly that anyway and he'll feel you let him down loads by never having the courage/ honesty to give him the truth however he finds out in the end
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My mother remarried when I was a baby. I didn't remember my bio father but my brother who is three yrs older did. My step father adopted us then my mother and he had a son. I can't say my step father was a bad father, he wasn't but he always favored his biological son over my brother and I esp when we got older. I found out by accident when I was 12 yrs old my step father was not my bio father. I found out when I was 30 yrs old my bio father tried to see us but my mother wouldn't let him. I finally found out about him two years ago, he died a couple of years after my mother did, she was 62 when she died, he was 67. All I have is pictures of him and testimony from a relative that he really wanted to see us. I feel cheated because I was denied seeing him or having a relationship with him. Also from the pictures when he was young and when I was young we look alike eye color, mouth, shape of face, only thing that doesn't look alike is nose, I guess I got my mothers nose. I think children should have an option regarding whether they want to see their bio parents and the custodial parent should not prevent it. I have forgiven my mother and I know she thought she was doing the right thing and I'm glad I at least found out about him, but deep down I still feel cheated. Maybe if my step father had thought about my brother and I the same as he did his real son I would feel differently on the other hand is that even possible. There's the old saying blood is thicker than water. signed a daughter who feels cheated.
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I told my son the truth as a matter of fact style. Not a sit down I have soemething SCARRY and SERIOUS to tell you. He will be 10 in March.Children have the right to the TRUTH or they'll feel. The one they trusted the most LIED to them EVEN  for thier own good. It's a LIE. I have good communication with my sons. Sex, where babies come from, menstration, pedophiles...As christians I explained the differant kinds of fathers. Heavenly father GOD, bio/sperm dad, and a dad that CHOSE to make you his special son. He said. Why didn't I tell him before. I explained that because now he is smarter and could REALLY understand what I was talking about. That was just DAYS ago. So far. He is daddy boy no matter what. I TRULY give GOD the honor and praise for me being able to do this. I just couldn't lie to my son. No not me. I pray this helps.
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Im also in the same boat.. Im planning on sitting my children down and explaining to them who there non biological dad is... he is the man that stepped in when I was left behind. pregnant with twins. as there bilogical father ran and wasn't ready for fatherhood. I just feel that they need to know so things don't get worse in life for them or they don't have questions later in life. or the worse feeling is to have someone else tell them the truth.  so just know that it MUST COME FROM YOU THE PARENT THAT'S INVOLVED. its important that it comes from YOU and only you. just don't lie to your children if they have questions... thats what my pycologist and counselor said. just be honest.. the younger the better. hope this helps a little.
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David,

Same situation happened to me. My son played hockey and recently has retired from the game, I went to all his games and just watched from afar not wanting to disrupt his hockey career.

I do feel a closeness to him and think he should know, I contacted his bio mother and she deleted me from her face book and blocked me.

Any advice?
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I am in a very tough situation. Before I met my girlfriend she was in a relationship with a violent man, who use to hit her and threaten her, he was also involved in selling drugs and a few shootings. when she got pregnant by him he skipped out and denied the child was his. That's when I met her, when the child was born I was probably the second face he ever saw besides my girlfriends. eventually her ex was arrested for some crimes he committed. its been 5 yrs and her son calls me dad, in fact I am the only male figure in his life. we play everyday, take baths together, go to amusement parks, I buy him every and anything he wants, we have a strong, deep, emotional bond. now her ex contact her and said hes being released and wants to be in the boys life and my girlfriend is actually considering it. what should I do?
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My son is now 19.  His biological father died when he was 6 months old of a drug overdose.  I never met any of my husbands family until the day of the funeral and havent heard anything from them since.  I remarried when my son was about a year and half old and my current husband is the only father he has known.  I eventually changed my sons name on his birth certificate to my current husband, but the certificate still shows my former husband as his dad.  My current husband didn't adopt him because my son was receiving social security death benefits and i have saved quite a bit of money for him since he was 6 months old to 19 years old.  My dilemma is now my son wants to go to Rocky Point and will need his birth certificate to get a passport.  At his current age he would have to consent to an adoption so my current husband could be listed as his father but he doesn't know about his real dad.  Should I tell him???
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13785557 tn?1431474066
I think you'd be putting him through too much. What will you do when he wants to meet the abusive father? Bringing him back in you and his life is a bad idea for both of your safety
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I have agonized over this for years.  In this case, I am the biological father.  I was dating a woman, the love of my life, who was separated from her husband.  After a whirlwind romance, her husband found out and showed up on my doorstep in tears, wanting her back.  A few weeks later, she told me she was pregnant. My choice was to A, continue our romance, but she would abort the baby, or B, she would reconcile with her husband and raise the baby as his (he was actually trying to get her pregnant at the time). I was horrified that she would kill our baby, so I made a deal with God to give her up so that my child would live.  A few years later she divorced and married a Moslem, who is very conservative. Every time I tried to contact her and visit the child, she would move! I chose my graduate school based on where they were living and she then moved several states away and I lost contact.

I tried to hire a private detective, but they acted like I was some horrible monster and wouldn't take the case.  I am now in touch with the young man (28) in question. I have a genetic mutation that causes the blood to clot easily, which would put him in danger of developing a pulmonary embolus that could kill him on one of the many flights he takes each year to see his grandparents in Argentina.  I actually have three clotting abnormalities. I love this man with all my heart and would never want to do anything to hurt him, but his biological mother broke her promise to tell him about his paternity because she is afraid of her husband. And she refuses to tell him about this gene!
I never had any rights to this man, his father who raised him loved him and he loved him back. Until he died from early dementia. I just want my son to live and be happy, without me if that is what it takes. I have prayed for him since I learned he had been conceived. We have so much in common, and he is taking after my family with his ADHD, bipolar, addiction, and depression. I did give him a high IQ, the same as mine.

I don't want to hurt him or depress him or question the love that his legal father gave him. I don't want the stepfather to hurt his mother (she is afraid of him for some reason). He is doing so well in college after a couple rough starts, and I am afraid to put a monkey wrench into it.   I am paralyzed with guilt and depression and fear. Help!
  
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Hello my 10 year old meet his biological father for the first time last night. The meeting was as awakard as they come, going home after a long day of work, pulling into my apartment complex he was just standing there, it felt to me as if i had seen a ghost. I paused, he paused and we just starred at each other.He walked up to the car we talked for about 2 minutes and he said that he would come around to my house to continue the conversation. As i entered into my home my thoughts were racing, i reached out to a family member  i told him i didn't want to say anything he told me yes i need to say something to my son that is. I thought long and hard and i told him whom the guy was. He said he wanted to meet him,about an hour later he came knocking on my door he walked in nervous looking.He was not nothing like himself to what i remember this is way i was so hesitate to intruduce the two. They meet, my son had a nervous smile the entire time, i told him he could leave out and go back to his room so that we could talk.My old boyfriend that meet when he was just 1 has been in his life the entire time that is the guy he calls dad, that is the one he knows takes care of him and that his bio father is just that of a name.I feel more emotional than my son, he dosen't express his emotions he is just 10 so i get it.My question is do i just answer his questions if he has them later or do i push the conversation about the two meeting?
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973741 tn?1342346373
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