Where have I gone wrong?

[AMg17]

I have a almost 4 year old daughter.  She is very smart child and is ahead of many children her age.  She can be super sweet and loving and then turn into a total monster.  She does not listen at all, she actually does things right in front of me that I 've told her not to just to see what will happen.  I have spanked, taken things away, ignored and put her in time-out.  Nothing seems to phase this child.  She talks to me a lot of times in a very disrespectful manner, demanding I do things for her and if it's something I ask of her and she doesn't want to she gets the most evil face and voice screaming "NEVER".  I don't want to make her seem like a horrible child b/c she's not.  She can be very good but that comes in like 10 minute inc.  She is an only child, the only little one in the extended families so she is very spoiled.  I know the problem is not just her, but also my husband and my parenting habits. My husband's routine is not exactly kid friendly and he is always working.  I quit my job to help him so now my day to day is all over the place. (No this is not new behavior for her due to the crazy schedules.) I keep Natalie at home with me 2 days a week and I am at the point where I dread those days.  I know it's sounds horrible of me to say such a thing about my child but I just can't take it anymore. I guess I'm just looking for someone to give me some advice on where to even begin.

[Sandman2]

Lynn Clarks' book, SOS: Help for Parents, has been highly recommended for situations like yours.

[AMg17]

Thank you for your response.  It seems Natalie is the worst with me.  She is very good at school and I think that is b/c of the structure and rules. Her father has been getting onto her lately but only b/c it has been upsetting me so much. You have confirmed what I have been thinking the whole time.  I've done the sticker charts, time-outs, paddles, but I guess I don't really follow through. I read all the articals that come to my email from ivillage, parenting.com and all of them say the same thing but hearing it from someone like this really helps. I have let her think the world revolves around her and that is only going to hurt her in the end. You have given me some much needed strength to go at this situation and tackle it.  Sincerly,

[supermomma531]

First of all, stop giving her everything she wants. Stop spoiling her at your home. If she wants something, she needs to earn it by doing house chores with you and respecting you. It sounds like she learned this type of behavior from everyone around her. You and her father need to be on the same page as to how to raise her. How does he feel with the way she is being raised? Does he like it, dislike it or doesn't care? How does she handle school? Does she behave in the same manners? Have you ever tried a reward chart with stickers with her for the good behavior? Try to show her how to behave by modeling the behavior you want her to do. If there is something she wants to do such as maybe baking or playing games or something, don't allow it until she can show you her good behavior for a extended period of time. Make her do time outs for all of her bad behavior. One of these days, she'll realize that her behavior is unacceptable when she ends up sitting on time out all day long and not be able to go outside to play or to do whatever she wants to do. You have to be tougher than she is. Also try to redirect her to doing something constructive such as painting or drawing or coloring or something that she loves to do. Don't give her too much freedom of choice until she learns to listen and respect you. Praise her for good behavior. Do things with her that you and her can do for fun. When you punish her, talk to her after her punishment is done and ask her why she was put on time out or whatever, Make her tell you why she thinks that she's in big trouble. Whenever she screams at you, be stern with her and let her know that this is inappropriate behavior. Also about the schedule, kids need to be on a strict schedule as much as possible. She may be craving attention from her dad as well if he doesn't spend much time with her. Kids tend to act out to get the attention that they want whether it's good or bad attention. How long does it take her to back down from doing bad behavior if she is ignored? If you try to ignore the bad behavior, she may stop but at the same time she may need to be redirected and/or punished depending on the behavior. Let her know what her rules are so that she understands and let her know consequences of her actions. You need to straighten out your parenting habits as well as your husband does. Has she ever been looked at for any type of disorders such as ADHD, ADD, or anything like this? You may want to look into this if nothing else works for you. At this point, you'd have to go to her pediatrician or family doctor for help. How does she do in school? Does she behave like this for anyone else? I hope this helps you. Good luck.