am I wrong?

I just have a quick question. I have 5 children and 3 of them have severe behavior problems like not listening, lying, stealing and so on. When we moved in together, we were short one bed. so we aired up our air mattress for one of them, and told them that if they jumped on it, they could get hurt and we'd have to take the beds. Well they kept jumping on them, almost not stop, and it seems as tho they only jump on the airbed... or I've only caught them on that one anyways. I didn't want to take their beds, but since I had already threatened many times I couldn't go back on my word, so I took their beds. all but the babies bed. They've only been without a bed now for about 5 days, they don't seem to care that they don't have beds anymore. Finally one of the kids has shown that she deserves her bed back, so she got it tonight. The others have to proove to me that they can respect the furniture in the house... Was it wrong of me to take their beds? They will get them back hopefully by the end of the week... a couple more days. But they have to learn not to jump on them.

About 6 months ago at the old house, one was jumping on the bed, fell into the door knob and got 7 staples in the head. I don't want it to happen again... but I didn't know what else to do.

For some reason my family thinks that it's morally wrong that I took their beds, and they haven't gotten them back yet... but soon they will... just a couple days of listening and doing what they are told is all I ask for.

So, was I wrong? any oppinions?

[RockRose]

Okay.  So you have a passel of kids,  with terrible chaos in their lives,  and huge behavior problems.  

And you're worried about inflatable mattresses.  

If you're worried about one of the kids crashing her head on a doorknob,  get real mattresses,  not inflatable plastic ones,  and put them in the middle of the room on the floor.

It sounds like you have MUCH more to worry about than these silly little mattresses,  foam.  Really.  Listen to your family.  They've probably known you and your family situation for longer than strangerson a bulletin board know you,  and they say get over it.

[foam970fed002]

I just want them to know that it isn't ok to not listen to my words, and to do what I say. And that I am going to do what I say I am going to do.

I do have a lot more problems to worry about with these kids, I was just wondering why my family see's this as something soo wrong. I don't see the big deal

[RockRose]

When "we moved in together",  means what?  

You've moved in with a boyfriend?  You've moved in with your kids?

Your famiily might be willing to cut your kids some slack if they're living with disorganization.

[foam970fed002]

We live in a small apartment in a small town me and my 2 kids. My fiance' and his 3 kids moved in, then we moved and lived with my sister for a couple months till we could find a place. Found a place close to his work, a much bigger house, but the kids to have to share rooms untill we can afford to buy a house.

We have lived in this house for about a month now, and just didn't have the money to buy another bed. Part of their christmas is gonna be new beds, but until then we were using the air up bed so they'd all have beds, and no one had to sleep on the floor, or share beds.

I was just wondering why they think I'm soo wrong for taking the beds untill they can respect the house and our things. His kids have already broken the blinds in the living room, and his youngest the 3 year old, hung on one of the bedroom doors, and it came off the hinges, the top and the bottom. It was still connected with the middle one, so we just took it off, and now don't have a door either.

I took the beds to make a point. My family knows everything that the kids have been thru and all the stress they have put me under. My family thinks that I'm getting too stressed out and want me to consider leaving my fiance... which I'm not doing. I think things can work out, and the kids will start listening again. They've just had a lot of drama when they were with their mother, whom doesn't want them anymore and couldn't handle raising them... she abused them severly!

Just tell me why I'm the bad guy for taking the beds, and why it's soo wrong. Especially since they will be getting them back shortly, I was just making a point

[RockRose]

I don't know you,  your family does,  and it seems like you're making me answer for why your family thinks you're  soo wrong.

I can only guess.  Your family knows you.  Take this up with them.  I don't know you.  

[foam970fed002]

does it seem wrong to you?

[RockRose]

Yes.  It does seem wrong to me to take beds away.

[foam970fed002]

why?

[Agiesmom]

Yes, it's wrong.  Don't take their beds.  A bed is not a privilege--it falls into the category of needs, imo...like food, water, clothes, shelter, etc.

In the future, you might want to take time to think about a consequence before blurting out a threat that isn't reasonable.  Don't threaten to take something you can't, shouldn't, or won't take.  Maybe put the air mattresses in an unused room or in the garage during the day and put them in the bedrooms at bedtime.  Maybe make their bedtime 15 minutes earlier the next night if they jump on the mattress tonight...or, better yet, read an extra story or book to them if they get into bed nicely without jumping--if they jump, no extra story.

Also, you wrote that you think they will "start listening again" as if they used to listen and be well-behaved, but now they aren't.  Is that the case?

[foam970fed002]

I didn't say they were ever well behaved. The used to listen partially. I'd only have to give a couple warnings and count to three and they'd listen. Now they just do what they want, becaus they don't care. They didn't care before but at least gave a little respect and listened to what was best for them, like the rules and keeping them safe.

THey jump on the beds during the day, and I'm not about to take the beds during the day and give em back at night. Our house is 3 stories, and I'm not taking that thing up and down all the time. A bed isn't something they absolutely need, anyone can sleep on the floor, doesn't hurt you. They just gotta realize that they gonna respect me and my house and the furniture!

**** I make bedtime earlier, all they do is rough house all night, and I have to yell and threaten all night, or at least a few hours. That won't work. and reading any stories before bed is for children who listen. THese kids don't listen, at all. They don't respect me or my house. and me trying to keep them safe, forget it. They don't care!

I took the bed to make a point. If they can listen there will be more stories and fun stuff to do.

[RockRose]

If you're happy taking their beds away,  and satisfied that you did the right thing,  stop asking for people to agree with you.  

No one agrees with you - not your family, not those who have responded here,  but if you think you did the right thing,  stop arguing about it and trying to force people to say you're right.  

[foam970fed002]

I'm not forcing anyone to say anything here, I was just asking for an opinion, that's all! You're the one who kept asking questions, when all you had to do was say you didn't agree, that's all

[jdtm]

am I wrong - Yes.

[Agiesmom]

If you don't need a bed and can sleep on the floor, why did you even bother getting a mattress in the first place?  You said that they only jump on the air bed and you said there's only one air bed.  I have an air bed--it's not that difficult to pick it up with a fitted sheet on it, grab the blanket, and lock it in an unused room.

I have a bit of a newsflash for you.  YOU, as the adult, set the tone for your home and environment.  If you are yelling all night or for hours (your words), you're going to get the same back.  If you are calm, speak quietly and deliberately, and are consistent, you will get that back.  And don't say, "I've tried that!"  It's not something you try for an hour (or a day) and expect everything to be different.  It has to be consistent and long-term (permanent) and even then, it will likely take a while for it to kick in with them.

And there is no reason you shouldn't be able to get them to sit for an interesting book.  I have never known a kid who doesn't love that--kids love circle time at the library and daycares.  My son is and has always been VERY spirited--running around, climbing fences, into cupboards, somersaulting on the sofas, etc. when he was younger--and when I got out a book and blanket and called to him, he came running.

Honestly, I think you need to look at yourself.  You actually have more control than you think you have--you just need to accept that and make some changes instead of complaining about how awful the kids are and how awful there mother was and how no one agrees with you.  All you can do is change yourself and by doing so, you change how others react to you.

Also, from reading your other posts, some major counseling may be in order here for all of you.

Best of luck to you.

[cardsfan]

You should have never taken their beds away!! A Bed is NOT a priviledge!! It is a nessecity!! It also sounds like you do alot of yelling(your words) and that will never work! You need to stay calm and punish your children right!! It is ok to take away a priviledge as punishment, just dont take away things that they need. It sounds like your kids are going from place to place and you need some stability in their lives!! You should probably get control of your household before moving more children in.

[foam970fed002]

Um... there won't be moving any more children into this house! This is all the kids we have. You are right I do do a lot of yelling and I hate it, like you said it doesn't work, but it seems that nothing works with these kids. The kids aren't going from place to place, there has been a lot of moving so we can support our family, but the moving won't happen again till we buy a house, within a year or so.

I know that some changes need to be made on my part, but also on the kids' part. They don't care.
Oh and to the one who said I'll never find anyone who agrees with taking the beds. I did find someone, not on this site, but a close friend, who has 2 kids herself, and 2 stepkids as well. She knows how hard it is getting someone else's kids to listen to you and keeping the peace in the house. She said she would have done the same thing with her kids if all they do is not listen, and once you say you are going to do something, you can't go back on your word, or they don't believe you will hold true to it. So what else was I to do, Yes maybe think more before I blurt something out... but at the time that's what happened. So I had to hold true and do what I said I was going to do. As long as I give the kids' bed back, I don't see any harm in it... they need to know that they are going to respect me and the house they live in.

Did I not mention that before this, they broke the blinds in the living room, and pulled one of the bedroom doors off the hinges? These kids are destructive and I'm just trying to do my job and keep, or get them under control.

[girliegrl1723]

maybe you should call nanny 911? haha. im just kidding. but seriously - i undertand that it has to be hard to deal with that many kids all at once. i give you credit for doing it. i agree with the others that you should have never taken their beds. perhaps a more appropriate punishment would have been to separate them into time outs or take away something they all enjoy. i think saying ill take your beds away if you dont stop jumping on them, is like saying, ill take your dinner away of you dont stop playing with you food and then im not going to feed you again until you can prove you deserve it. i think in your last post, you pretty much answered you own question. before you blurt out outrageous punishments from sheer frustration...stop, think, take a breath, and calmly give the children an appropriate ultimatum. im just curious, do your own children tend to listen better to you than your step children? or are the all together just a rambunctious bunch? you need to find some way to vreate structure in this household. whether it be a chore chart, a daily schedule, etc. if you give the children allotted time slots for what they should be doing and when they should be doing it, maybe your nights will not be as hectic. for example, after school there can be snack time, homework time, dinner, playtime (but specifiy what is and isnt allowed), then get ready for bed time, story time (maybe have the older kids read to the younger kids), bedtime. i dont know. just a thought. good luck.

[April2]

Supernanny's better! :)
Seriously, she just might come out!

[girliegrl1723]

yes of course, supernanny! didn't supernanny go out to the family whose children recently burnt their house down?!?! that just goes to show you...if supernanny can't help, no one can!

[foam970fed002]

I didn't threated to take the beds when I caught them jumping on them. I threatened that I would only air up that bed if they didn't jump on it. They agreed, and I told them that if I caught them jumping on it, they'd all get taken away. I can't just take one bed if all of the kids are jumping on them.

And I don't just have the kids during the afterschool time. I have them 24/7, besides the 3 hours the 3 of them spend at school. My 2 kids are way better behaving than the other 3 by far. Mine listen to me most the time and do what I ask. If it's something she doesn't want to do, she'll throw a fit but other than that, she is well behaved.

The other kids, steal food in the morning, especially fruit if it's out, candy if they can find any and anything else they want. They never got into the pantry, which is always full of food, but today they did. They stole a bunch of snacks and crackers and took them to their room. The day before they took their dad's candy bars and the day before they found m&m's.... They will do anything and everything to make you angry and see what you will do. Then when they get in trouble and someone else is there, they play it out that they aren't the bad guys who do things wrong. They make you feel sorry for them. They know how to play people very well!! They find your buttons and push them on purpose!

His middle child whom is 4.5 will hurt people and thinks that it's funny. and does it all the time. THe oldest 6 steals and lies all the time... even if you catch her doing things she won't ever admit to doing what you caught her doing. That's all they do is steal, lie and hurt others "because it's fun"

[April2]

You keep saying they steal food. Maybe they feel like since they live there it's their food and they should be able to eat it. My suggestion is, if you don't want them snacking all day (again, I think they're doing it out of boredom), then have set meal times and snack times and put a lock on the pantry, fridge and have your husband lock up his candy if he doesn't want anyone touching his stuff. Problem solved.

[cardsfan]

If the kids are jumping on the bed and you dont like it, put them away until bedtime. Do you have a bedtine routine? I cant believe that someone would agree that it is ok to take away your kids beds. The most important thing kids need is the right amount of sleep. It helps them to function better especially in school and home. So by taking there beds away, you are not helping them to get the right amount of sleep. I am sure that they are not comfortable on the floor. This is another reason wy they are probably acting out at home. And besides, it didnt work and change their behavior!!!! Therefore, let them have some comfort back. I bet if you were consisent with your punishment, your kids would not be this way!! They are running the house because you are a pushover and you yell way too much. Kids never respond to yelling!! I AGREE you need some major help, Supernanny

[foam970fed002]

I am not a pushover with these kids. THey've never had structure when they were with their mom. She let them do what they want. And yes I have set meal times, and bedtimes. They eat at the same time every day and go to bed at the same time. THe problem is they wake up usually around 5:30am and they go to bed at 7:30. No matter how late they stay up, they still get up early. Like last night they didn't get to bed until almost 8, but yet they were up around 4 this morning. The kids get the right amount of sleep, most kids are happier sleeping on the floor once in a while anyways. They acted out before I took the beds, It's always been like this. Weather they have beds or not.

I am consistent with the punishment, but for some reason they think they are the boss, like they were when they lived with their mother. These kids were raised very poorly, and I'm just trying to turn it around. THey have to understand that I am the boss and not them.

We have baby gates at the top and bottom of the stairs, within a couple days they figured how to undo them so they could come down stairs, usually really early to steal food. They didn't get fed with their mom, and that's why they still do it. At their mom's they only got fed dry cereal, 3 times a day. They still and will always have that fear of not being fed, or think that anything food they see they need to eat. Yes, we did put a lock on the pantry... the thing is, is their dad's candy has been in the same spot since we moved in... he has some most every day... they never touched it until this last few days. They never even got into the pantry until yesterday... they never gonna stop

[April2]

I know you've got your hands full, and I know it's got to be so discouraging. When I looked back at your last post, I wonder if you realize how many times you've said "They're never going to change. They're always going to be like this." I know you probably don't mean to, but it sounds like you've given up. You sound defeated, therefore the negative overtones. You don't know that they're never going to change. In fact, just you even saying that says you don't expect it. Instead of being so negative, try and tell yourself every day that you know these kids had a rough start in life, but they CAN and WILL change because everyone can change. You can't see the future. You seem to have lost hope. You need to try and rediscover that hope. With time and consistancy, these children will do better and better every day. You're going to have to be patient, though, and realize this will take time. It won't happen overnight. They didn't become this way overnight. It's just going to take some time.

Again, I have to stress to you the importance of having some YOU time as well as some COUPLE TIME if you have any hope of continueing on in this relationship with this man and his children. You MUST make that time for your own health and for the health of your relationship with your fiance. Otherwise, you can expect this to crumble after awhile because people can only take so much stress without a break. It's not selfish to have regular alone times. It's NECESARY. You say you can't afford it. You can become creative with ideas of things to do that won't cost a lot of money and learn to sock away little bits of money at a time. Have a goal. Set aside a little bit out of each paycheck and don't touch it. Please do this for your own sanity and health. Everyone needs regular breaks from their kids. Most children that are abused it's because the parent felt overwhelmed and had no help. I'm not saying you would do that at all. I'm just saying how much stress plays a factor in all that.
I think the fact that you stepped in and took over this many children (without pulling your hair out of your head!) without complaint says a lot about you. You are a strong, compassionate lady who really does want the best for these children. I can see that in your posts. You must not lose yourself in the process of helping these children, though. Take that time for yourself! You will have more patience when you are more rested and relaxed. Now, go have a bubble bath and lock the bathroom door! Just kidding. Save that for when the father's home. Make that time, though, ok? God bless.

[foam970fed002]

Ya, I am going to make more time for me, and my fiance... since we only have the nights, and when it's his day off. but then again we do have all the kids with us. Lately I have found a little time to myself, when the older ones are in school, and I can get the little ones to lay down and take a nap at the same time. It also requires that I give the little one a bottle tho, and I really wanna get her off of it, she's almost 19months and is getting too old for one, but on the other hand, it's so nice when the house is quiet for a little while, and I can just watch tv, or take a bath. You are definitely right, I have almost givin up... I was at this point a while back as well, but this time it's only gotten worse.... I have seen the kids be complete destroyers in everything they touch and not listen... to getting better and listening, and kinda respecting things around here, and then next thing you know is things going worse then they were before. I used to hope and know that I have the power to change these kids, just sticking with them and helping them. But lately it's been like i'm overwhelmed, and stressed out, and almost don't care... and that's sad, that's not who I want to be... I want them to see me happy because I know happiness spreads, and if I'm happy then they will be.

Although I still have hope, there's not much... It does keep coming out negatively.... and I honestly can see why their mother did abuse them, even tho it's wrong and in no means what I want for them, and I won't ever hurt them like that... it gets to that point where you really can think and see yourself hurting them cuz it just doesn't stop. You just have to find a way to pull yourself out of that and not think that way, and just help them to get better.

THeir dad see's how much stress i'm under and how they hardly listen to him, he's almost ready to send the 2 older ones back to their mom. I don't wanna see that happen, even tho life would be easier not having to fix someone else's mistake with these kids. But That would tear us apart, I know my fiance wouldn't be happy knowing that their mom is abusing them and knowing what kind of life they would have. I know it would tear him up to do it, but I think he's almost at that point of doing it. He doesn't know what else to do.  If he did, i'd be afraid that he would have resentment towards me, because i'm with them all the time, and he isn't. he gets a break from going to work, and I don't. I think I'd feel like it would be my fault because I couldn't handle it... when I used to be able to handle it. When we went to the psychologist that one time... the good one... he actually complimented me, saying that I'm staying soo calm, with all this racket going on, just in the room, he say's he doesn't know how i do it, but it's great. and I just said that I have to do it, it's not a choice... if i'm not calm, they will be even worse and then I really won't be able to handle it.... but I think I've almost lost that calmness.

although I'm working really hard to be calm, and no more spanking or yelling! I'm doing good so far... even tho they've taken food every day for a few days, I haven't spanked them at all... I didn't even yell at them... I basically don't know what to say to them when they do it... I'm at a loss for words with that one

[April2]

Good for you! I'm proud of you that you stopped the spanking and yelling. That's huge! I've heard about people who fostered kids who were abused and the stealing food thing is pretty common. There was an article in our paper about one lady who lives here who has fostered many children over the years and she was saying that these kids just need to be shown love. Yes, there needs to be rules, but when they'd steal food, she'd just tell them that they didn't need to take food, that it was always there for them when they'd be hungry. But for the most part, she let it go. It took time for the kids to learn they were safe with her and to relax enough to realize that there would always be food and they didn't have to steal it and hoard it. Like I said, it just takes time. You have to be patient and consistant. You will see slow changes over time. It's true, they may go a few steps forward and then fall back a few steps, but each time it should get better. It takes time to establish new habits even with children. I urge you to not give these children back to the mother. I know how tempting it is, but you may be their only hope for success in life. Just take a deep breath and take one day at a time. Focus on the little changes you see and praise them for it. Take encouragemen over the small signs of improvement and work from there.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about taking the little one of the bottle yet. One thing at a time. They've had enough changes for awhile. To be honest, I wasn't able to get my little one off the naptime/nighttime bottle until he was almost 3! I know, that's bad! :) I tried and he would throw fit and cry and I'd give it back to him. I figured I'd just do one change at a time. I had just moved him to a toddler bed so I gave that a month or so for him to get used to. Then I started the potty training and let that go for a couple of months before I finally worked on getting him off the bottle. I came up with an idea that seemed to work for my little one if you want to give it a try. I went out and bought a couple of sippy cups that were very different than the ones he already had. These had little handles on the side and soft mouthpiece. Then I put away the bottles so that he couldn't find them. When it was time for nap, I would say "Oh look, the bottles are all gone!" And I would show him in the cupboard. Then I showed him the new sippy cup and said, "Look, this is kinda like your bottle. It's a sippy cup bottle!" I know, sounds cheesy, but hey it worked with him! He was intrigued that it was different enough from his regular sippy cups that he was willing to accept it. I had tried before putting him to bed with a regular sippy cup and that never worked. It only worked when I went out and bought a totally different looking sippy cup and we only used the new ones for nap time and bed time. It worked!

Like I said, take one small step at a time. Don't try to make too many changes with the kids at once. Who cares if the little one is late getting off the bottle? Is anybody going to care or notice by the time he goes to school? Are people going to say "Oh, you were late getting off the bottle?" I don't think so! And if people, like relatives, do make comments, ignore them. You do what you know is best for the kids. My mom tried to make me feel bad and guilty that I was so late getting my youngest off the bottle and late potty training. Who cares! Do you think when he's 16 he's going to say or have people say "Wow, I was late getting off the bottle and getting potty trained." Of course not! It doesn't really matter in the whole scheme of things. Try and look at it from the big picture like that and you'll realize what I mean! :)  Remember, baby steps.

[catlovermom]

These are CHILDREN...what do you expect them to do?  They're going to test limits and do things that look "fun" no matter if you tell them not to.  

You had no right to take their beds away.  NO RIGHT.  That is controlling and abusive behavior and if I were a child, I would not feel safe in that environment.  What will you take next?  Their clothes and food?  

You sound like a bitter, negative, petty, childish, jealous, mean-spirited, angry, abusive person.  Get some help.

[foam970fed002]

SO how am I jealous, and of what? mean-spirited, abusive... bitter... childish? I Don't think so! I'm not any of those... how many children do you have?

I'm the best thing these kids have right now, they dont' have anything other than me, at least I'm trying. Yes I know that kids test limits, but these are no regular children here. Believe me, I am a preschool teacher! I've had maybe one child in one of my classes that is or was worse than these kids. But in the same tone! The only difference is mine behave in school and not at home, this child didn't behave anywhere.

I'm sorry catlovermom, but you can just **** off! You don't know me and I'm not of what you said I am. Ya sometimes I am angry and negative... but not all the time, and least I'm doing my best at raising these children. I bet you couldn't handle these kids for a few days! And I'd like to see you try, I'd like to see anyone try and control these kids, and be able to handle it for more than a few hours!

[catlovermom]

Your outburst has just proven my point.  In spades.

[April2]

Ok guys, take it easy. Catlovermom, how do you expect her to react to your post? You attacked her! How is that helping? She came here looking for help. She even was asking if we thought it was right to take away the beds. Obviously, she wants to do the right thing. She opened herself up here and made herself vulnerable. She doesn't need people attacking her.
I'm disappointed in how you and Teko attacked her. She needs help and advice right now. This is not an easy situation she's in. She trying to do the best with what's been handed to her. I applaud her for that.
Foam, I hope that you got something out of my post at least. Remember the sippy cup trick! I think you will be fine. Being a parent is a learning process. We all learn from our mistakes. Handling five kids so young is no easy task. Remember what I said. Take one day at a time. Take baby steps. Try the reward charts and take time out for yourself. God bless!

[Agiesmom]

She doesn't want help.  She wants validation.  She wants commendation.  She wants commiseration.  But not help.  She has gotten tons of helpful replies (on more than just this thread)--even one from Dr. Kennedy.  But there have been no "thank yous", no "I'll try thats", no "that's something I haven't considered", no "yes, serious counseling is in order".  Only reasons why she can't do what is suggested and more complaints and reports about the kids' behavior.

[April2]

Actually she did thank people in her other thread and said she was trying some of the suggestions.
I think she's just under a tremendous amount of stress right now. Sometimes we sound negative or might not remember to thank someone because we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I know how that feels. It even sounds like she might be a bit depressed. It certainly is a lot she has taken on right now. I don't know. I guess I just try to see the best in people. :)  I think with a little encouragement she'll actually be ok.

[foam970fed002]

Thank you April2 I know you understand where I'm comming from. I actually have said thanks a lot of times for the help... maybe not in this thread, because everyone just wants to attack me... I came here looking for help and a reason why I was wrong. I have said many times that I am trying some of the things that were suggested, and I have said many times that counseling is something that needs done, but finding the right psychologist is important!

I haven't thanked anyone except for April2 because she understands and is the only one who is trying to help my situation and give me ideas. No one else on here is doing that... just attacking me. I don't need this ****

[foam970fed002]

so catlovermom, what am i jealous of? you never said... i'm curious

[catlovermom]

I'm sorry, foam, I'm not taking the bait.  

[RockRose]

This thread goes on and on and on.

Foam,  I agree with Agiesmom.  You aren't looking for help,  you're looking for someone to say you're right.  

The thing is,  there are people who think you're right,  they're just not on this child behavior board.  There are parents in the world who do punitive things to their kids and take away necessities,  and ignore needs,  but frankly,  they don't hang out on MedHelp hoping to offer support and ideas to parents who are searching for solutions.

People who are trying to offer you help in working with your family aren't going to say you're right taking away children's beds.  

[foam970fed002]

First of all I don't do punitive things to my children. I don't take away things that they actually need. like stuff they need to live... i.e. food, clothes, air, a place to stay.... Ya you are right, I started this thread because I had a question... just wanted to see what people would say... and ya I wanted to see if someone would agree with me, I did want to hear that I was right... but not because I'm a punitive person, who does bad things to my children... Because at the time I actually thought it was the right thing to do... you can't say you are going to do something, and then don't follow through... since it was said... it needed to be done. Next time I will think it through more, and no I won't take their beds again.

Anyways, I found what I was looking for... more so on my other thread... because I was at my witts end, and didn't know what to do... that's why the beds got taken... because they pushed sooo hard, and I caved in... I got too stressed out, and that was the only thing I could think at the time since they jump on those beds all the time.

[RockRose]

Foam,  hopefully somewhere else you will find the answers you are seeking.

I'm a huge believer in the philosophy  "when the student is ready,  the teacher arrives".  What a profound saying,  and so applicable here.

When you are ready to hear advice,  and not just affirmation,  someone will tell you the things people here are telling you.   And you will then,  get it.

Children need beds.  They need to have their own personal space,  however small that is,  even it it's just a bed.  Children at Auschwitz had their beds.  Did you know that?

[nastursim]

Why don't you put some of the children into daycare if they are all under school age??? It would give them something to look forward to and give you a break.

[althepal39]

OMG!  Catlover needs to get a life.   Foam - I understand why you took the beds - I'm not really sure I agree with it - but I do understand - because what else were you supposed to do??  They keep jumping on them - you tell them not to - they keep doing it - they are going to get hurt - one of them did get hurt - UGH!  I understand why you did it. These kids have extreme behavior problems - so the normal "time out" isn't going to work.   But kids do need beds.. have they earned them back yet?  Ignore Catlover - she is obviously not following the whole conversation  - you are far from bitter or jealous or anything..  You could easily walk away from the whole situation - and here you are TRYING so hard to do the right thing ...  

[foam970fed002]

Yes the kids did get their beds back... Like I said before we are short one, because I'm not airing up that other bed again... because the same thing will happen... them jumping on them.  Therefore either the two oldest can share the bigger bed (a double) or if not, they will take turns. Once christmas gets here, all of the kids, besides the baby, will get a new bed... and it even has drawers under it, so then they won't really need the plastic dressers they have now... They don't have the sturdy wooden ones becaus they climb on top and jump off, I'm afraid that it's going to tip over with them, or one of them is going to get smashed.  

Any how they do have their beds back, not like they slept any longer once they got them, but they do have them. I have considered daycare for the younger ones, but money wise, it doesn't make any sense, cuz then I would have to get a job and do that, then come home and do the housework, and cooking and all of that stuff... in the long run, it would make it harder to get things done. I agree that once in a while, would be ok, like one day a month or twice a month... that is definitely do able.

Thanks althepal39, at least you understand why I did it. I didn't do it for no reason at all. I'm not sure I was right either, but something had to be done. And when they caught me on that off day, that's what happened. The kids are listening better now... not a lot but its something. I haven't gotten the cabinet locked yet, because I don't know if the one I have will work... maybe I should just get a new door handle with a key on it... and then put the key up high so they don't know where it is... would probably hold a little better.

We are in a bigger house then we were in, but this house still only has 3 rooms. So it makes it hard at night, his 3 in one room and my 2 in the other room... one day we will get a bigger house!

THanks for all the help

[tysmamma]

I am not saying whether I am for or against your theory of punishment. All I have to say is this:
As for the "not going back on your word" a more responsible way about that is if in a rage you say something completely unreasonable, once things have calmed down sit everyone down and say "Hey, I'm sorry about the threats earlier. I shouldn't have said _______. But, What I will do if this continues is ______." and give a more reasonable punishment. I normally believe that if a priviledge is abused then that priviledge is taken away. But, when it comes to beds, or other furniture or necessities being abused or taken advantage of...you could take away something else. Like if they jump on the beds or off the dressers, then you could take away something that each of the kids enjoy. Say the oldest enjoys barbies...take her barbies. The 4 year old enjoys a game, take that game. Set a time that the object will be taken away and then return it once that time is up (and the behavior is better). Be sure and remind them that with good behavior their favorite toy or w/e will be returned. If the kids already don't have many priviledges because of too much bad behavior, or they broke everything, or other reasons, then you can start rewarding them for good behavior however small, and then you'll have something to take away when bad behavior starts...sounds wrong, but I didn't know how else to word it. These are just some ideas to consider. I have 2 step children of my own who are pretty unrulely and disrespectful at times. Just keep in mind...They are only children and it's not their fault that they were raised poorly. Also...A 3 story house with only 3 bedrooms? Just curious about what kind of house that is?? lol. Take care and keep peace!!

[foam970fed002]

Well our house has the main level which has the living room, kitchen, dining room and a half bathroom. Up stairs has 2 rooms a bathroom and downstairs in the basement has our room, laundry room, some storage space and our bathroom.  It has more space that we aren't used to, even tho it only has 3 rooms, it works for now.

[linda07]

I find it a disgrace that some people that haven't got a life, or think too much of themselves would waste time posting here. I dont understand why they come to a forum like this one if their intention is not to help anyone, but bully other people that are genuinely seeking help. That's a shameful behavior.
They actually seem to get a kick out of it. They seem to enjoy it so much, that is why they keep coming back. My best advice would be, just ignore them. They're seeking attention and they don't deserve to be taken seriously. Good luck to you Foam!

[michelle6810]

Linda,

Take your own advice. I've read some of your comments on other posts and you are as dim witted as they come.

[PaperMoon3]

Wow sounds like you are in a tough situation. First of all eliminate all sweets and sugary things and things that hypes children up, eliminate in the day time and especially at night! You need to set up a routine and be consistent till it sinks in their heads so they can know what to expect to eliminate so much chaos. Kids are stressed out by disorganization, chaos and too many changes. Plus you siad they had been abused so all of that is enough to make any kids act out.  Stop yelling, be firm without yelling and be consistent. Don't try somehtign one day or one time and say that didn't work, do it for a least a good while for the kids to realize this is how it's going to be each and every day. Period. Don't let them realize they can get ot you becuase they use that as a power thing. they feel a sense of control when they can get you upset and make you yell don't play into their hands.

[PaperMoon3]

Wow, I feel for you, you need to get rid of all snacks, candy & junk food from that house ASAP!  That's half of the problem right there, they are high off sugar! Eliminate sweets, pop, candy, and stuff like that, put it where they can't get it and if there's no place they can't get into then don't buy it at all!   Do you have a basement? Set up the basement as their playroom and recreation place where they can play as rough as they want without destroying anything, that way they won't destroy the living room and bedrooms. Aliminate all snacks and treats and use those as rewards for good bewhaviour, like if they are good and obey you all week thenn you will buy them some treats on the weekend or something like that, that will only work though if you eliminate it so they can only get it when you give it to them as a reward. give them all of the healthy foods they want just eliminate all sweets that hype them up.  You can buy them treats like once a week on the weekends until their behaviour improves.

[PaperMoon3]

How can they "steal fruit" in the morning?  Are they eating it for breakfast? If the fruit is in the house they should be able to eat it if they want. Maybe try fixing them a good solid filing breakfast like oatmeal and no sugary cereals for them and let them eat fruit if they want it, just keep the candy and junk away form them. Wow it seems like there's just so much wrong in this whole situation you guys need a completely new system of running your home! You do need to all supernanny! LOL! :D I feel for you, you just have to find some kind of way to get a handle on things before they get bigger, because if you think things are bad now God help you when they all get to be 10 and up and teenagers!  Get control now!