Anger from 4 year old son

[Mscdukes]

My son turned 4 years old in April.  He is very emotional and at times angry.  I have been going through a difficult custody battle and about 6 months ago the father unilaterally put him a daycare for 11 hours a day.  I believe this is when the hostility and anger began.  His father is adamant about him being in a pre-school program everyday.  Also the time that I spend with him 50/50 was interrupted a few months ago.  I hate to see him in such emotional upset.  He just seems angry and then he just falls apart so easy.  What should I do?  His father is uncooperative and I'm unable to get him to see that this is not good for our son.

[specialmom]

PS:  can dad mandate to you what the boy does on your time with him?  My kids at 4 went to preschool 3 half days a week.  Worked fine for us.  Can you be more flexible with your days with him?

And consider that if he went to daycare longer at the same time he saw you less-----------  well.  Enough said.  It is a LOT to deal with.

[specialmom]

So so sad.  I'm sorry.  It is so hard in a divorce situation when you don't have all of the control and you are trying to do the right thing for your child.  You would hope that both parties would have the kid's best interest at heart.

Divorce is very hard on a child.  That in itself can create for acting out, hurt, anger.  His world was split apart by his parents.  He probably sees or at least senses some bit of anger, hostility, bitterness and resentment from the two of you.  That rubs off as well.  He can feel the tension.  He knows that you and Dad are very mad at each other.  Then the different things going on at different households------- it is a lot for a child.  I do not agree with 50/50 custody of a young child.  They need more stability than that.  Weekend visits with dad would have been better.  But I'm sure that would cause more fighting so you have to live with it as it is.  

When you say your time was interrupted-------- do you have him less than 50/50?  Why is that?  Just curious.

First thing to do---------  make sure you start working on a cordial relationship with his father.  You just have to do it.  I know dad is the other side of things and might make it difficult-------- but for your son's sake, this has to be an amicable split and things have to be less tense.  

Daycare for 11 hours is hard on a child that hasn't done that since being a baby.  That is a LONG day.  I don't know what the arrangement was prior to that.  Was he home more?  It sounds like the daycare switch came at a time of a LOT of changes and all of these changes together are upsetting your boy.

I'd go to the library and check out books on emotions.  They make books for kids that will put it in kid language he can relate to.  Helping him learn to express his feelings is really helpful.  It causes less of a reaction and more of a using your words situation.  Then help him think of appropriate ways to show that he is upset.  He can use words to tell an adult, he can take deep breaths, count to 10, use a scale to bring himself down by counting backwards, open and close his fists firmly, go to a cool down spot.  

I don't know if you can change the daycare situation or not.  I agree that it sounds like a lot for this little guy.  But if you can't do anything about it-------- you have to think in terms of what you can do something about.  Keep his time with you routine and warm and loving.  Make him feel safe.  Get along with dad.  Maybe check out the daycare and start volunteering there.  Always put your son first.  good luck