Step Daughter Stealing

[Mommy2Girls1Boy]

I have been blessed with a beautiful stepdaughter 16, that I love as my own.  Our families combined about two years ago.  I have two children of my own, a son 9 and a daughter 3.  I got to know my stepdaughter and fell in love with her immediately.  She is very helpful with my 9 and 3 year old. Very attentive to their wants and needs.  I consider myself very lucky because my children love her and she loves them. After about 6 months of knowing her, she decided to call me momma. We see her during summers and holidays, as she lives in another state. Over the course of the two year spam, I've noticed things missing. I also noticed that she would hide her bags. I thought this was due to the fact that my 3 year old wouldn't stay out of them.  However, her purse was left on my son's bedroom floor one day and my 3 year old dumped it out.  I immediately went over and corrected her and started to pick up the contents of her purse and found the missing items.  I put them back.  She and her dad were not living with me at the time, we were in the process of combining families.  While on the phone with him, I asked him to ask her if she'd seen them to which she replied no. I started to watch her a little more closely at this time.  The next summer, she had packed her bag to return home and placed it by the back door.  Upon picking up her bag to put in the car, I noticed some of my clothing sticking out.  I confronted her about it to which she got very upset and after sometime finally told me that she liked them and wanted some.  I sat down with her and told her that I loved her as my own and she could talk with me freely about anything. I also told her that stealing was wrong and it was no way to get something.  I asked that next time she come to me and tell me that she liked something and I would do my very best to get things she's asked for.  I thought we had a great talk and a good understanding.  She cam to visit just last week and took some items again.  I involved her Dad this time.  I told him about the previous times and explained this one.  He was very upset and confronted her.  As before, she cried and gave him different answers.  His response to the situation was anger and disappointment that she would steal. One of her responses was that she doesn't get up-to-date things at home with her mom and she gets picked on.  I have seen new boots, new laptop, stylish clothing, highlighted hair, false nails etc... I know that she is getting, so I am not inclined to believe her answer. Her father pays for her to have a smartphone.  I know that she steals and we have caught her in lies.  Her mother, her father and I all get along really well.  So, I am trying to figure out what the underlying problem is because I'd really like to help.  She is a very smart and sweet girl, it just confuses me that she would do this. Any suggestions would be great.

[Mommy2Girls1Boy]

Thanks so much for your response.  

The items vary, I thought about that as well.  First it was a pocket knife and belt that belonged to my son. Next it was running shorts of mine. Lastly it was an old purse that I had given my daughter to play with.  Just a day ago, my daughter came to me and has lost her rings.  This were costume jewelry rings that I had given her, no value, but have not been seen since my step-daughter went home.

Thank you, we have tried really hard to make everyone comfortable and to make the transition as easy as possible.  I had a very good example to go by as a step-parent.  She is a remarkable lady and I only hope that I am half as great as she.

I loved your "safe" talk, I will absolutely suggest this!  

Thanks again for your thoughts and taking the time to help !!!

[nursegirl6572]

I agree that it sounds VERY much like her stealing has NO relation to the items, wanting them, not having enough, etc.  It sounds to me as though it's some kind of emotional reaction, it's either filling some kind of void, or like rose said, maybe the feeling of power or being in control....with her home environment, and just life circumstances not allowing her to spend a lot of time with her Mom or Dad, she may feel since she cannot control that, she can control this.

Are the items mostly ALWAYS the parent's or step-parent's?  Are the items always kind of related, or are they more random?  Would you say that the items she takes are something that the owner of the item would place great value in?  Or, more like items most wouldn't miss?  I'm just curious what kind (if any) correlation there is with WHAT she's taking, and from whom.

It sounds like you've all done a very nice job combining your families, and thank GOD that you all get along and are trying to co-parent.  Is it possible to set up kind of a family conference, where you can ALL get together and chat, spend some "fun time" with her, and then at some point, ALL together have a "safe" talk with her...explaining that everyone loves her very much and are very concerned?  I think she definitely needs to see that ALL of the adults are on the same page.  

Of course, it wouldn't be like a "gang up", just a safe, loving supportive discussion where the adults can CLEARLY communicate a few things....mainly, that everyone loves her very very much and is worried, two, that everyone wants to know what's driving the behavior (if she even knows), that she knows that it's completely unacceptable regardless of the reason, and that BOTH households are going to have the same plan of correction to deal with the behavior...it will be consistent, and BOTH households will be involved regardless of where it happened.  Who knows, she could even just be testing the waters, seeing who is paying attention?

I think turning to a professional for some guidance is also an excellent idea.  I wish you the very best in figuring this out.  You sound like an awesome step-mom, it's obvious from your concern here how much you love and care about her.  She's a lucky girl.  If it were only possible to "love" these problems away, you know?

Prayers for a resolution for you all.

[RockRose]

If you do end up reading Dear Sugar,  it's a collection of advice columns written under a fake name,  by Cheryl Strayed.  The book was compiled after the great success of her autobiographical "Wild",  and "Torch".  There's not a lot of time spent on her habit of stealing,  but she's really clear that she steals to get the feeling of power,  and control that she very much lacked as a young woman.  She was constantly picking up little beloved nick-nacks from people she cared about and people she disliked,  and ferreting them away in her purse.  It was really a glimpse of the psyche of this behavior - she didn't steal because she really wanted the item,  she wanted that brief feeling of having power of them.  

Best wishes.

[Mommy2Girls1Boy]

Rock Rose,
I have done research by way of internet on the causes of the stealing looking for any answers that I can find.  I read in an article that they steal to fill a hole in their hearts.  Which could very well be an issue, her Dad has always work 2-3 jobs to support them.  He has given her as much time and attention as he could.  He provides her with a cell phone and contacts her daily.  He's a really good dad and loves his daughter very much.  Maybe it wasn't enough for her, as he has stressed that to me many times.  He tries to take time off work when she is here.  I have also suggested that he do things with just her.  Take her on Daddy/Daughter dates... dinner and a movie, bowling, ice skating. So that she knows and sees his love and attention.  Thank you for suggesting "Dear Sugar", I will certainly get it and read it.  Thanks so much for your response.

[Mommy2Girls1Boy]

MarkLakewood3367,
Thank you so much for your response.  It is very difficult to determine the real cause.  Her dad and I have sat down at length and discussed this trying to figure it out and understand what is truly going on.  I suggested yesterday that maybe a counselor was needed, as they have experience asking the right questions to pull answers out of children.  

I was extremely worried at first that it was the "combined" family but as I've found out it hasn't just happened with me but her mother and grandmother as well.  The stealing apparently has been going to for some time now, long before I came along.

We are extremely worried that other environments will be next.  As far as discipline, she gets that with her father but I don't really think so much with her mom.  Her mother is a very good lady that I have a lot of respect for.  She is a mother of 3 girls and one is disabled.  As far as I can see, she has her hands full.  My stepdaughter is very head strong and can be a bit to handle. She lives with her mother, we live 5 hours away.  Her father disciplines her when she is with us and from a distance.  I just don't know that her mother is over firm and sticks with the discipline. I have suggested that both parents sit down together so that she knows and sees that she has both of their love and support and make some decisions together.

[RockRose]

Children steal to fill a hole in their hearts.  Read "Dear Sugar" by Cheryl Strayed.  She has very interesting insights into stealing.  

[MarkLakewood3367]

Since she tells different stories about why she steals, it is difficult to determine why she is stealing.  I think that what you need to do is to discuss this situation with the school counselor or a private mental health professional to sort this out.  She could be reacting to the 'combined' family situation.

Also, does she steal in other environments or just from your home?  Finally, does she get disciplined when she steals?  Confronting her and telling her why she shouldn't steal isn't enough nor is it discipline.