hello my daughter is a 8yr old . I am in a relationship,and is living with my fiance for a year,and my daughter seems to be having a problem with her and her kids,she wrote notes to my fiance's kids stating wishing that they were dead, she totally ignors, and blows off my fiance, to the point where I myself feels uncomfortable in my own home when she is there, she is forever telling lies to her mother, by saying my fiance is making her call her mom which is not the truth, could you please help in regards to this child. It is to the point where my fiance does not want her in our home until she can show respect. so again can you please give me some advice on how we can deal with my daughter before my relationship falls apart.she also spits in the kids face.
Hello there djhawksfan, I guess the first question I would ask you is what type of consequences are you daughter made to do for her actions? Does she have anything taken away such as her most prized possession? Or is she made to do chores to help out around the house? Does she have any one on one time with her parents? Here's the thing. Children will do anything for attention. Is she getting enough one on one time with you? How about her mother? Is she maybe just acting out of boredom? Is she having problems at school? Does she get picked on? Have you ever tried to sit down and talk with her one on one about what might be bothering her? In order to get her to talk to you, she has to know that she isn't going to get into trouble for what she says and that you will be there for her and help her out if necessary. Are there any issues between your fiance and your daughter? Your daughter may feel like your fiance is taking you away from her and is lashing out because of her feelings? Does your fiance ever take your daughter and spend time with her doing girls things or just go to the mall or something like this. If they don't bond soon, they may never bond because your daughter will grow up feeling like you have been taken away from her. You need to make sure that your daughter understands that you will always be there for her. Both you and your ex have to be on the same page for parenting your daughter. She needs to know that what she does or doesn't do wrong will get her into trouble in either home. Anyhow, the biggest things here is for your daughter to have consequences for all of her actions!! If she spits at somebody, then something she wants to do or something she loves to play with gets taken for a while and she has to earn that back. She probably would benefit from groundings as well. When did this behavior start? It sounds like this behavior has been happening for a while. Do you and your ex ever talk? This is a great way to raise your child is if you and your ex can get along for your child's sake to be able to raise her in two loving homes with acceptable environments. Is she very active in sports at all? Have you ever thought about putting her into something like martial arts or soccer or gymnastics? This may help her to have an outlet to relieve her anger and confusion and to gain control especially with martial arts. Martial arts teaches self control, self discipline, obedience, respect to others as well as self respect, self esteem, etc.Some places will work with the school to be sure she keeps her grades up and if she messes up on a test, then she may have to miss out on a tournament plus they will ask how she has been doing at home with helping out around the house and how she has been treating everyone. It can be costly but if you and your ex were to agree to split the cost, this could be the best thing for your daughter. She sounds like a very angry little girl. You also have to remember that her world has been turned upside down and inside out from what she was raised with. She is probably very angry that you and her mother are to together anymore and doesn't want to share her parents with anyone else. You have to talk to her about her actions and tell her what her consequences of her actions will be. You have to get through to her and make her stop and think about how much she is hurting everyone in her life. If need be, you may have to take her a child psychologist or child psychiatrist to let her talk her problems out with someone who will be neutral and give advice as to handle her situations. I hope this helps you out a great deal. It isn't easy raising kids. She may be also hitting the start of puberty and her hormones could be changing and she may not know how to handle everything happening to her. This may be her way of crying out for help. Good luck.
It sounds like she's jealous of your fiance and the other kids and wants you to herself. It's understandable. Try to make sure you are giving her plenty of attention and one on one time to help her feel special and loved. And the counseling idea is a good idea. Try and be patient. It could take a long time for her to come around and view your fiance and kids in any other light than the enemy. See if your fiance can do some one on one things with her too. She needs time to learn to trust them and see them not as the people who took her daddy away but people who can be included in her life as a good thing. Please try to be patient with her, though. Divorce and remarriage is always hardest on the kids to adjust and it can take a long time.
I recommend not only counseling for her but some family counseling as well. I wish you all the best.
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