Saying hi

[lis51]

My little boy is now 4 and has been difficult to parent since he was 2. He is rude most times to adults and peers alike. Has been having problems at school, but improving since boundaries, discipline are strict at home. He has a very hard time meeting new people or sometimes even saying hi to strangers. He´s also very shy. When peopople say hi, (proabably an uncle of mine) we havent seen in a month or so he won´t respond. He will go mute or just grunt or hide in my leg. To "hi" he doesn´t respond, but when asked how is he or how old is he, he will answer in a tiny voice which is hard to listen to.It is kind of unconfortable and not normal for a 4 year old to not engage in spontaneous conversation. It is as if he never grew out of "stranger anxiety" when 7 months old. I have explained that it´s ok not to give a kiss but just responding with your voice or waving with our hand. Also, I make stuffed animal shows where "bluie" gets nervous and then next time he does say hi and everybody´s happy.

How else can I help? Really it is an uncomfortable situation. I would like for him to respond proudly. He doesnt even make eye contact.

[lis51]

Thank you, we will go on with occupatioanl therapy, even though I still have doubts about SPD. If he does get better then that will be our answer. What makes me feel tremendously guilty is that I lose patience with J frequently, his hiperactiveness at mealtime just drives me nuts. I know that I am the adult and have to control myself, but his behavior could make anyone lose their cool. E.g. getting him out of the house for an afternoon class involves extra time, cause it´s not as if he will obey and go down the stairs or go put his shoes on his own.

He does have stranger anxiety, what techniques would you suggest?

[specialmom]

That is a good book above.  I do want to say that I believe your school is not too versed on sensory integration disorder.  A sensory seeker loves to play with sand and finger painting----------- as my son does.  I've written before that I think you are missing the boat if you do not go ahead and work on his sensory issues.  Your window is closing in which you can have a significant effect.  I'd seek an occupational therapist evaluation that is trained in sensory integration disorder.  Sensory and anxiety mimic each other.  My son will appear anxious when he is having a sensory issue.  Both issues have in common that a child has difficulty self soothing.  

Whatever happens, I wish you luck.  I think one thing that is confusing you is multiple opinions with differing ideas.  You'll have to find a way to resolve that.  As we've had tremendous luck with our child without any medication and just a rich schedule of activities done to work on his nervous system---------- and your child sounds very much like my boy----------  I'd see an occupational therapist for an evaluation as soon as possible.  

Well, good luck to you.

[jdtm]

There's a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene.  It might help.  

I belong to a support group for teachers and parents of children who suffer from anxiety.  Some of our children are extremely difficult to handle.  This is because anxiety is only one of the issues - the others are often there but below the radar.  A friend's son was diagnosed with OCD, but due to his behaviour in school, was suspended from his local school at seven years of age (he attended an alternate school for a year).  In our case, our child was diagnosed with severe social anxiety and depression at six years of age.  However, her behaviour has not always been as one would expect - she has yet to be diagnosed but sometimes I wonder if she also has inherited a personality disorder (it runs on her mother's side of the family).  Her behaviour in school is O.K. but she lies, manipulates, and is very self-centered - all symptoms of a personality disorder.  Personality disorders are not diagnosed until adulthood.  Our child has been on medication for several years and I do feel the meds will/are diminishing not only the effects of anxiety but also the horrific behaviours of a personality disorder.  I hope this will not be your path.  All the best ...

[lis51]

Talked to school psychologist, says J has the ability to socialize an make himself noticed in a group. She says he is liked and appreciated  by the kids in the classroom. What worries the psychologist and the teacher is that since he is so rude to other kids he can become a child who no one wants to play with.His bad conduct also minimizes his learning ability according to the teacher. About J having social anxiety there´s no doubt. What I´m not sure about is sensory processing. School teacher and psychologist say that they don´t see a sensory problem, as he plays beautifully in the sand, tolerates finger paints and all kinds of different activities. School psychologist says he needs discipline at home, as to learn to obey an order the first time, picking up material. Things that we´ve been practicing at home. He had a terrible case of jealousy with little sister, to this day he absolutely adores her and is nice to her most of the time. In that area we´ve made huge progress. J has been treated for separation anxiety with therapy and a little bit of firmness in my side. Now he goes to classmates house, he takes his afternoon class on his own. Also huge progress. Amazingly he does not have trouble sleeping at all or having any toileting issues. He had a fear of pooping once but it lasted a week. My child is clearly rebellious I don´t understand what causes his rebellion, this includes not eating (because it upsets mom) not washing hands after bathroom (it annoys mom). I think he´s looking for attention in all the wrong ways. Even though he is a well looked after child. I´m doing my best, sometimes you just want to give up, some days are so good you wish your life was like that. I´m sure J will be ok as his dad and I will do our best.

[jdtm]

II doubt if my son is suffering from some kinf of social anxiety or if he´s had sensory problems from the start.  --  your words


I read all of your previous postings about your son.  I copied this sentence from a previous posting of yours - I don't understand why you doubt your son is suffering from social anxiety.  Everything you have written SCREAMS "social anxiety". - the tantrums, eating issues, social issues, mute and non-talking issues, physical behaviours, probably immaturity, frustration levels, clothing sensitivities, even not wanting to sit at the table, bad behaviour, (and I'll bet your son also has sleeping problems and toileting issues).  And, often sensory issues are co-morbid with anxiety (as is depression).  It appears as if you are trying to do  the correct thing - I see you have seen a psychologist and an occupational therapist.  However, I might suggest you ask to see a pediatric medical mental health specialist with experience in anxiety issues as a child neurologist or a child psychiatrist.  If anxiety is the issue, then this is a very common disorder and highly treatable.  I know - we've been there.  And, with proper treatment, the results can be excellent.  All the best ....

[jdtm]

It is as if he never grew out of "stranger anxiety"  --  your words

You are probably correct - I suspect your son is suffering from separation and/or social anxiety.  If this is the case, then your son will not outgrow this nor will it go away.  But, he can learn how to "manage" his social fears and this will take time.  And, I'm talking years; not weeks or months.  Your son is not being "rude" to others - I suspect your son is too scared to speak to a person he perceives to be unsafe (I know this does not make sense to you or I but it does to a person suffering from anxiety).  Anxiety  is not something that "happened" to him from life experience; he probably inherited this genetic trait and being wary of people is part of who your child is.  And often, too much "talking" only puts undue pressure on an already stressed-out kid.

You might wish to google phrases as "social anxiety in children" or "how to help an anxious child" or similar words/phrases to better educate yourself on this isse.  So - how can you help?  As Margpops said - you need to "back off", be patient and understanding, and educate yourself on this issue.  If you feel this "shyness" affects his functioning to a larger extent, then you may have to talk to your family doctor.  He/she should be able to give you advice re this issue.  Please contact us again if you have any further questions....

[margypops]

There are a lot of children like this and I am sure he will get better, its best not to make a big issue of it. I am sure other people know some children are indeed shy ,and dont feel comfortable talking to adults they dont know, back off, let the issue about it quieten down , you can always explain to the adult later that your son is shy .Time will improve on this , Good Luck