dual custody of children

[Turipepel]

Hi, my wife and I are separating and have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son.

The separation is overall amicable and we both intend to spend joint time with the children one day per week.

We are considering a 50/50 dual residence with the children. My wife favours 3 or 4 days each with the children as she feels a week is too long to be away from the children. I prefer to have the children for a full week or 2 weeks at a time so as not to disturb them too frequently especially when they start school. The other parent could see the children any time but they would sleep in one place for at least a week at a time.

May I have your comments on the best option for the children, or a suggestion for an alternative, such as one parent having custody and the children just visiting the other parent?

We are both trying to do the best for the children and would welcome an opinion and info on any research.

Thank you

[AnnieBrooke]

Sorry, did not realize that you were discounting anecdotal reports.  About the therapist who told you that kids quickly adapt to being away from their parent for one or two weeks at a time; did you ask to see the research on that one?  Was this a children's therapist?  After reading a whole lot on child development and secure attachment, and after seeing all the children's misery that is reported in the forums here that was caused by parents' divorces, it is really hard to believe that any therapist specializing in children would say such a thing about a 2-year-old or a 4-year-old.  

[margypops]

I absolutly agree % 100 with Rock Rose ...children need both parents one day a week is laughable...... babies do need their mommies and teens need their dads ..dont listen to a therapist that tells you otherwise ..they had a bad childhood .,...

[RockRose]

And Turi,  I wouldn't listen to a therapist who doesn't know there are marked differences in how a child reacts to each different parent,  and they don't in fact "quickly adapt" to being raised by either one as if you two are interchangeable.

Babies need their mommies,  and teenage boys need their dads.  They can survive (actually teenage boys often have a hard time even surviving with a single mom) but they aren't functioning fully.

[RockRose]

Turi,  the best option since you and your wife seem so amicable is to stay married.  Really.  ;D  In the long run,  probably both of you will get new partners and the new partners won't like your children or treat them very well,  they'll just like their own kids.

Just giving you a crystal ball.  Read through the relationships forum,  the stepparenting forum and this forum and see how many step parents won't accept step children.  It will break your heart.

Since both of you seem like reasonable, rational people who can work together on a common goal,  why not stay together?   It will make your children's lives immensely more stable

Next time your newspaper publishes the list of eagle scouts,  look through it.  Funny, they ALL seem to have their biological parents who are still married.

The next best thing,  if you are getting a divorce,  is for the two of you to get a home nearby,  and the two of you switch residences when you have visitation,  but leave your children in their own stable home with their own stuff and bed and neighbor kids.

[Turipepel]

Interesting anecdotal report. I have checked with a therapist regarding this and the opinion was that children quickly adapt to being raised by either parent. I was also not proposing to deprive either child or parent but provide a stable bed for at least a week during which time Adhoc contact can be arranged as needed.

[AnnieBrooke]

I knew a family who had an amicable divorce, and the children did not move.  The adults lived near each other, and the mom would send the kids to school in the morning and go to work, and the dad would pick them up after their schoolday ended (his work was very early a.m. to midday) and give them dinner, and then take them home to mom after dinner.  Another arrangement I've heard of is, again, the kids not moving but the parents each having a room in the house.  Four days a week mom was there, three days a week dad was there, and they had a 2-bedroom apartment where the "off duty" parent lived when not with the kids.  If a couple was really amicable, they could even do this by trading off one (grown-up) bedroom in the house and apartment.

I would not leave a 2-year old or even a 4-year old without his parent for two weeks at a time, or even one week at a time.  Especially the 2-year old.  That is just too long.  (At that age they often really crave their mommy, it would be cruel to take that away.)  Check with a children's therapist about this, but I think 3 or 4 days each is enough time to be away from the other parent.