fighting attitude

[searchingforhelp]

We have 5 children ages 8 -9.  Our youngest is very agressive, argumenative and extremely defensive.  She speaks in a hateful tone when she feels wronged or when trying to make a point.  This morning one of the other kids made a mistake in saying something about going to school on Christmas Eve and my daughter's tone and force of voice was awful.  She made my son feel bad he misspoke and she kept at him over it.  My son tried to say jeez, ok, I know i said the wrong thing why do you have to be so mean about it!  We are all just so tired and worn out with this atmosphere of arguments and fighting!  There is no rest or peace, we walk on rice paper around her.  I have tried everything and am wrorried about her teenage years.  This example is mild but it is 95% of her waking hours we endure this behavior.  Her sharp tongue is going to get her in trouble outside of the home eventually and I am loosing sleep over what to do the help us all.  I am loosing controll of my reactions and have yelled at her and it is increasing.
I need some advice on how to diffuse the situation, controll my reactions and above all - how to change this trait so my daughter can have happier days ahead as well as ther rest of us. (my daughter can have a wonderful, loving, sweet, thoughtful side.  She enjoys singing, dancing and being with friends - her friends are dwindiling because of the attitude)

[margypops]

My opinion is that they do not respond back to her, as it is making it worse, I have seen the pattern many times and it has usually been instigated by older siblings in the first place so for it to change they also have to ,not just her, she may feel that it isnt just her, that the others do have a part in it but she gets the blame. Maybe to keep the peace you will have to seperate her from them , but dont solely put the blame on her, and focus on her positive side ,praise her when you see her doing something right.You say they have been giving her back what she doles out, how do you mean, that they say nothing to her and she yells at them with no coertion ? Its a tough one , I think you could try to walk in her shoes, see how it feels.,and seperate her up, yet not as a punishment, does she have plenty of sports and games,one to one activities with you parents ?

[searchingforhelp]

well, in all honesty, the other kids have been giving her back what she doles out.  Over the course of about 5 years, when her attitude began emerging.  This is where we are now - she argues, they appease or if their resources are low that day they snap right back.  I have tried reasoning with the older ones suggesting they do not respond but remove themselves from the situation/room and go about their business.  I suggested outright ignoring her at times just to get some peace!  The sister sharing a room with her suffers the most yet is the one willing to give in, give over do whatever she can to make her happy.  Even then she is still an angry one.  As a  last attempt, I talked with her and told her that we just can not accept her behavior any longer.  Every time she misbehaves she is going to be removed from the family and put in another room.  She will stay there for 10 minutes, I check on her and if ready to come out then she may BUT goes right back in if her attitude continues.  It is exhausting.  The atmosphere is heavy in our house.  If she gets to go out with a friend, everything goes well in the home.  Once back - then trouble begins and the others are commenting on this.  I am sure it is hurtful to her feelings to hear them say this but they are making the connection.  We need some suggestions - desprately.  On behavior modification for everyone at this point.

[margypops]

Sounds like some learned behavior here from older siblings ...How do they behave towards her are they kind or could there be any jealousy and rivalry ?

[searchingforhelp]

Sorry - should have read we have 5 childres ages 18 - 9 years old.