how to deal with a 4 year old

[Martina77]

my son is 4 years old and i can say that he really has a behavioral problem because he cant behave well and cant relate much with other kids his age. He is an only child and i dont allow him to get out much when he was 2-3 years old because he is asthmatic. Last year I enrolled him in nursery and the teacher commented that he hits his classmates,and is very aggressive, just this year i enrolled him in another nursery school but in a span of two weeks parents started complaining and i was called by the teacher about the same aggressive attitude. I feel so humiliated that i withdrawn him from that school and enrolled him to another. I tried talking, reward system, and spanking but to no avail. He cant get along well with just any kid his age, and he also have the tendency to bully small kids, is there something wrong with my parenting?what suggestions can you give?thanks.

[Martina77]

Thanks a lot, for the advise, I'm learning from both of you, I can just imagine how good mothers you are, Godbless...

[margypops]

Meant to say earlier I also liked the teacher's positive attitude and kindness.,its good you dont spank ,children copy us and they often hit others when they have been 'spanked' ..

[specialmom]

Yes, it IS really hard being a parent in general, I agree!  It is a learn as you go kind of thing with mistakes along the way to be expected.  

I found the socializing with my son to be really helpful--------  he needed the help socially.  It was also to make connections with other kids and moms.  Starting young learning how to build friendships pays off in the years that it really matters later on.  

Someone said to me once that I was my son's first play mate.  If I was quick to anger, this would impact how he treated his true age mates.  This made a lot of sense to me.

Okay, good luck and I'm sure this will be fine.  

[margypops]

It is challenging but I think that you realise that you need to change and will do so ..you have seen that he is indeed afraid and only you can alter that .. ..Good luck

[Martina77]

thank you so much for the advise, I admit Im not that good also in socializing with him, in fact I haven't done "socializing"  with him. I bring him along to some of my  activities but I don't involve him much because Im afraid he might hit or do something...but I guess I'll try your advise. And I think I need to practice also with communication, my son is not that very communicative with me, and I have sense that he is afraid that I might get mad, this is what Im also trying to change...being a first time mother really is challenging, thanks a lot, this really helps.

[specialmom]

Something else you can do that really helps with social skills is to become social with him yourself. I'd plan playdates one on one with kids his age (great if is one from his class) and during this play date----------  you don't sit and have coffee with the other mom but instead, stay close to the kids and guide him when needed.  Some kids naturally develop social skills and others need help.  Go to places where kids are at------- playgrounds or open gyms for kids are always good and find kids there to do this with as well.  They all love playing with kids and their moms-------- so you can start some games with your son and another child while out.  Socialize as much as possible with him, helping him-------- several times a week.  

Another thing that really is not that uncommon with 4 year olds is there lack of ability in handling and communicating their emotions.  You can help him with this by talking about what he is feeling.  Some kids need help finding the words to use to express themselves and by going to the library and getting books written for kids on emotions----------  you'll help him with the language.  Then you can talk to him about he feels and more importantly, communicating it.  Better to use your words than your fists, right?  Once he understands and can tell someone he is angry instead of just reacting----- this helps.  Then you give him alternatives that are appropriate for him to do-------- talk to an adult, go to a cool down spot, count to 10, take deep breaths, give himself a calming hug, etc.  

You can act out being really mad about something and a 'good' way to handle it so he can see this in action.

good luck

[Martina77]

yes I agree with you, children really look up to their teachers, and im sure that his new teacher now is doing a great job in understanding and helping him, she even said that she's praying for my son, and that i think is the most wonderful thing a teacher can do to her student, im thankful that despite the tons of stress i have been through there are still people who are sensitive enough to go beyond and extend help...thanks sandman :)

[Sandman2]

    I think the teachers positive attitude will also be very helpful.  Keep the communication channels open with her.  best wishes!!!

[Martina77]

the first school he was in used time out, and i agree it did help, but i need to withdraw him from that school because i had no nanny by the time the school opened last june, that was why i enrolled him to the same school where im teaching thinking that it would help both of us because i can just see him the whole day, but the problem was i cant monitor him all the time because i also have classes  (im a college teacher) and he has all the time to run and do whatever he wants like spitting and hitting even my college students. And the worse thing was, his preschool teacher doesnt use time out, it was even my child who told her that he would be put in the thinking chair because he was misbehaving, i asked her what solution she can suggest to help my son but she does not give me any concrete answers,and my son doesnt like her also he said he will not attend class anymore beacuse the teacher was bad. I was so disappointed that i pulled out my son and transfered him to another preschool. Right now, there is not much of a complaint from the teacher though there are still instances that he hits, i just hope this will be lasting...and im also trying to change my discipline, i dont spank him anymore, i hope that also contributes...

[Martina77]

thanks sandman for the recommended books, il look over them, the school where my son is currently enrolled now is a lot better than the second one, i texted with the teacher last night and she said there are instances that my son still hits and becomes aggressive but it was less frequent now and when his classmates would provoke him, he also shows leadership skills and participates actively, i just hope and pray that this will be the start of a change in his attitude, i know my son and i have still along way ahead of us to learn and change...

[Sandman2]

     Yep, I agree with Margypops.  The trouble with spanking and reward systems is that you are not showing him the correct way to act.  He has not had much of a chance to learn how to play with kids. Hopefully, the nursery schools are helping him with this.
     There is also several sets of books that are meant to be read aloud to kids from 4 to about 7 years of age.  One example is "Hands are not for hitting,"  found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
      Also the learning to get along series with books such as, "Share and get along" - found here,   http://www.amazon.com/Share-Take-Turns-Learning-Along/dp/1575421240/ref=pd_sim_b_4

[margypops]

How does the school handle it do they use the time out method when he behaves like this so he knows its wrong.?Spanking wont work in fact you are sending a mixed message that hitting is okay, time outs and doing without special things works better ..It does sound as if he wasn't socialized when he was younger, in what way does he not get on with younger kids ?