Behavioral changes

[k_norman]

I have an 8 y.o. stepdaughter who my husband and I have full custody.  Though her mother has no court ordered visitation, we do allow her some visits.  Her mother has a history of instability...changing boyfriends, jobs, homes, etc.  I have begun to notice some changes in our daughters behavior after she returns from a visit with her mother.  She tends to be excessively tired and moody.  She is often very clingy to her father and me for several days after her visits.  She almost always has somatic complaints after returning from her mothers...her head hurts, stomach aches, etc.  She is very emotionally attached to her mother, and she seeks her mother's attention and approval.  She always wants to visit with her mother, and she has not indicated that she is being mistreated at her mother's home.  Are these normal behaviors related to separation from her mother or something we should be concerned about?

[margypops]

Perhaps its good he has faith in his ex and accomodates his daughter, my opinion is that his daughter should see more of her mom especially if her Dad thinks its okay ..good luck

[k_norman]

Yes he is concerned about her spending time with her mother, but he tries to be accomodating and let her visit.  He doesn't want his daughter to resent him later in life for keeping her mother away.  And I agree with him for the most part.  I know he worries, but I think that he is a bit gullible (for lack of a better word), and he tends to have more faith in people than I do.  I want her to have a relationship with her mother if it will impact her positively, but if her mother is not going to be a positive part of her life, I would assume that she stay away from her.  I'm just very aware of the kind of life her mother has lived...and still lives...and I have no problem with her doing anything that she wants to do, as long as our daughter is not there to see it or be influenced by it.  

[margypops]

Does her father feel the same way as you ?

[k_norman]

You both make very valid points.  I guess my concern is her mother's lifestyle.  I worry that she may be exposed to things that upset her.  I know that her mother has lots of different boyfriends who I know at times are in and out of her home, and though we try to be very dilligent in monitoring the situation, we cannot control everything that happens during the visits.  It makes me concerned that if something did happen that we need to know about, she may not tell us for fear of not being able to see her mother anymore.   I don't want to jump to conclusion, but I don't want her to be in an environment that is not healthy for her or where she may be mistreated.

[tinkerbell1124]

I was young when my parents divorced. I didn;t see my dad at all for a LONG time. Finally I think I was like 7 or so when he came back and I usually stayed with him the whole summer. I remember not wanting to leave him, BUT when I got home I was GLAD to be home. Even if it wasn't for a LONG visit with him. I was ALWAYS GLAD to be home. You just feel more secure at the place you REALLY call home. As far as acting sick, she probably pulls that stuff with her mom and comes home and tries to do the same thing. She probably wants ALL the attention from her mother she can get.

[margypops]

I would say you wre correct and they are seperational changes due to missing her mom, you sound as if you are very caring, it would be good for to see her mom more I feel it would benefit everyone .