Friendless son

[Amomofthree]

My son is 13.  He is a first born with very strong first born characteristics, i.e., likes to be in charge, intelligent, responsible, etc.  I have always felt that it has been hard for him to have friends.  He is not easy to deal with.  When I try to talk with him about lack of friends or how I see him relating to others, he is in complete denial that there might be a problem.  I truly believe he annoys people and doesn't read social cues well.  He has an 11 year old brother who gets a long with everyone and who tells me about incidents with the neighborhood kids.  He says noone likes his older brother.  The problem is when I suggest that we see a counselor, he says he won't do it and that there is no problem.  How can I help someone who doesn't want to help himself?  I'm very afraid he will grow into an adult and not be able to have a productive relationship with anyone and lead a very lonely life.  Please help!

[myenzoorka]

On the flipside of this issue... I am a first born child (and a textbook first born, at that).  I had very few friends when I was young (still do), but the friends I did have were very close (and most of those were significantly older than I was).  I chose to be somewhat of a loner.  I honestly did not enjoy being around the majority of kids my age.  You mention that your son is intelligent and likes to be in charge... there's a chance that he's, what I like to call, an "intellectual snob", meaning that he really gets frustrated around people who can't think as quickly or as deeply as he does or just can't understand him.  Around 13 years old, kids think about dating, they gossip a lot more, worry about their bodies (and become very critical of others' bodies) - largely superficial topics.  Maybe your son has no interest in these subjects (I know I didn't at that age).  Maybe your son sees no benefit in befriending the neighborhood kids - do you know if he has friends at school?  Some people are just not extroverts, but that does not necessarily mean he's in line for a lot of trouble down the road.  Perhaps he reads social cues just fine and chooses not to act on them... and of course that would annoy people - being a quiet person who's not wanting to take an active part in social events annoys people (I still haven't figured out why).

Now, I'm not saying you should ignore what's going on.  And I'm not saying you shouldn't seek help like noassumptions suggested.  But, I am offering a different perspective from someone who has been in a similar situation to your son - mostly because a 13 year old boy is not known for his great communication skills with his parents, usually.  Try not to jump to conclusions (I know it's hard in a situation that seems to be hurting your child).  Try to see what is behind it all before you send him off to see what's "wrong with him".  Because the fact may be that there is nothing wrong and he's just being himself.  Good luck to the both of you!

[noassumptions]

Hey momofthree.  I speak from the experience of a social worker in a high school setting, a previous high school special ed behavior teacher and mom to a high functioning autistic 15 year old boy.  Get the school to help.  Too bad if your son says he is fine.  You don't have to confront your son or get in his face, but you can go to the school and find out what services they have.  I don't want to be alarmist but this is the time to do it.  He will not probably improve on his own.  He will likely isolate and become depressed, etc and act out.  You can write me privately on here and I can share with you what to ask for from the school.  I am a pro at this...seriously.   I believe you can get some change for him...but you have to know how to approach the school, etc.  I don't mean to sound extreme but research repeatedly shows how critical this age is in many ways.  It is about the last chance for a relatively easy (it's probably not as hard as you think with the right help-remember he is at school all day) successful intervention.