my 8 year old needs help!!!! And quickly!!!!

[Dayryan2]

I have an 8 year old son who over the last year had been getting worse and worse with his behavior. He is constantly lying (about anything and everything), he doesn't listen, breaks all rules without carrying about the punishment, refuses to do punishments (like no toys or tv, he sneaks and will try to play or watch tv), now he is stealing! I have tried positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement, I have tried talking to him time and time again, I even had other family members talk to him. It's getting way out of control and I also have a 3 year old girl who I don't want picking up on his bad behavior. His father is in jail and I don't want him to go down that same road. His stepfather is beyond sick of it and wants my son out of the house to go to a program for troubled boys, but I would feel terrible for sending him away. I just don't know what else to do. Please if anyone can help me

[MarkLakewood3367]

Ok.  Before we can have a conversation regarding timeouts, we must first develop appropriate and effective household rules.  The rules are the foundation and centerpiece of any behavioral management program.  Rules by themselves won't change behavior.  They only establish and identify the boundaries and structure of discipline.

A couple tips about developing rules:

1.  Don't create more than 10 rules.  The more you create, the easier it is to confused.
2.  Make each rule positive and not negative.  Negative rules encourage bad behavior.
3.  Make each rule concrete and specific.  Don't use words that are vague or could be defined in many ways.  Additionally, don't use words that 8 year olds may not fully understand like the word 'respect'.

4.  Create the rules with your son.  Try to get his input.  If he helps in the rule creation, he will be more willing to follow the rules.  Parents often make the mistake of creating rules without input from their kids.  This is a big mistake.  If your son fails to create rules with you, just create them on your own.  At least you will have given him the opportunity.

Once the rules are created, determine which rules should have a timeout as a consequence.  

Please refer to this list of rules:  https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ROgbOq4PMvSVIDM74sW0i3NoSlbfhdA1FO2DTBumKcU/edit?usp=sharing

Please feel free to print out this form.  Only use the rules that are applicable to your son and his current behavior.  If you have any questions about rule creation, let me know.  

Once you accomplished this task, let me know so that we could discuss timeouts.

[Dayryan2]

Thank you, I would like for you to help me

[MarkLakewood3367]

Two things:

Focus on consistent discipline.  Timeouts for an 8 year old is very effective when implemented correctly.  Timeouts are by far more effective than taking privileges away for this age group primarily because the discipline affects them immediately.  If you would like for me to help you with an effective timeout routine, please let me know.

Get him into mental health treatment.  It is obvious he is coping with separation/loss issues which more than likely are triggering these behaviors.  Don't just deal with the symptoms (his behavior).  Work at resolving the conflict which may be triggering the behavior (counseling).

[AnnieBrooke]

I have to say it really sounds like he is acting in response to something that is hurting him.  In your shoes I would try to find out what is pressing so hard on him such that he lashes out in so many ways.  If he won't talk to you, do you think he would talk to a teenager he knows and trusts, or to another adult?

[Dayryan2]

No he isn't being abused or molested, no new family members, he doesn't say much and what he does say is a lie or he avoids questions until you just give up

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you know anything about what is happening?  Is there a chance he is being abused or molested?  Are there new members of the family, and does their presence change what he was used to?  Does he say anything about why he is acting out so much?