9yr old child seperation anxiety

[BilliejoAllen]

PLEASE HELP............My 9 yr old daughter has really bad seperation anxiety still sense day one in kindergarden and is in 3rd grade now.It never went away,and my heart breaks everyday when i get her up for school.The schools been on my case bad for her attendence.I never keep her home unless she is hyperventilating bad,vomiting,and just freaking out.I tried it all,paying her $10 a day to go without crying,going with her and sitting in the school parking lot all day in my car so she knows im there(until the principal kicked me off the property during school hrs,he mentioned his child needed a good spanking to know he had to go to school)I didnt see the harm,i was in my car the entire time,right in front of the office.I never spanked her even once,never punished her either,and even all the teachers,and our church brag how well mannered and well behaved she is,she is usually the favorite student of every teacher she knows.ImTRULY BLESSED TO BE HER MOTHER.I tried even giving her my half carot diamond ring to wear and feel special,no parents gives a .5 stone diamond to a 8 yr old to wear at school,and giving her a cell phone to keep on her even though there not aloud on school grounds,so she knows if she really needed me i was able to be reached asap.Anyway you name it and i have tried it.I live in tennessee and have no family,my father hung himself yrs ago,my mother is bi-polar and really hard to be around alot,my sisters are drug addicts that lost their own kids,and in and out of jail,i got 2 of them and i cut them out my life and my kids lives when i finally relized they liked who they were and had no will to change.They were not good people to be around my kids.I have my 9yr old and my son whos 1 yrs old,they have the same father,who is also my husband of 10 yrs.No abuse or drugs are in their lives.Im a homemaker and their daddy is the full time worker.I have no extended family either,so its always been my husband and i with our kids sense the day they were born.Her first day of school in kindergarden was in florida,the elementary was huge,i thought it was a college at first.It got so bad with her even fainting from hyperventalating that we moved out of state to tennessee where the schools are so small and just more relaxed feeling.Then came 1st grade,days added up staying home,then the school got on us.I broke down everyday after i walked her to class so she didnt see me.she never road the bus,we always drove her to warm up to idea of school.2nd grade came,i made her go,i tried everything,school got court got involved for her absenses.They think she wines and i am just lazy and let her stay home.ITS NOTHING LIKE THAT,we wake her up,we keep happy tones around her,we joke and make her giggle,we try it all,and i only give it when it turns really bad,she pukes everyday,she cant breath at night knowing shes leaving in morning,she faints from breathing to fast,my kids are my life,next to my husband they are all i have as family.the schools think im so bad and abusing and its the oppisite.i force her to go everyday and only give in on the worst of days,im lost,im so sad,im willing to do anything it takes to make this stop.i dont enjoy what i got to do everyday and the school acts like their wanting the best for her and im hurting her keeping her home.i dont want this,it kills me seeing my entire world in so much fear and anxiety and i cant help her,and I NEED HELP.GOD PLEASE FIND ME HELP ON HERE.

[skepticalpeach]

I'm sorry to hear about all the tragedy that has happened in your life. Have you thought about homeschooling your daughter? It's really not worth fighting all the time about. If she's not ready, she's not ready. I understand why the school can't have you sit in the parking lot all day, you shouldn't have to do that.

You could also get her a PCA to go to school with her. That way she'd always have someone with her that was there just for her. Also make sure she is getting some therapy and taking fish oil supplements. You don't want her to be an adult and still act like this. Mom can't go to work with her or even college!

[Ajvia]

please tell me waht you mean here- I'm having the exact same problem with my child, with school, though its improving slightly with a new schedule and getting up an hour earlier before school, but she sleeps very loudly, has night terrors on occasion, and snores loudly. very healthy, fit girl otherwise- but the sleep has been problematic since she was a baby. we're doing better with school for a day or two w/ a new schedule, earlier bedtime, etc, but I'm curious what you mean!

[maryandkevinaz]

Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out to others. I think it's *awesome* that you're trying to do something about the situation. It's so easy to blame others, be defensive or in denial when our kids have an issue. It's hurtful to us and hard to deal with. It's cool that you're not doing that. It's also cool that parents can come here to talk to each other.

You seem like a really levelheaded lady and a devoted mother. I know you will solve this problem. I'm not the give advice type but I would like to remind all that the sun should not rise and set on one child or family member. It's very easy to elevate the importance of one person at the expense of others. I think its important to stay focused on the equal worth of all family members. Well there's my 2 cents. Good luck and do something nice for you!

[RockRose]

A 504 is a good idea.

I'm also concerned with how much mental illness is in your family,  BillieJo.   Mental illness is genetic,  and she may have inherited an anxiety disorder.

But like the others,  I see real red flags in your behavior toward her.  Even though you wait til she's out of sight to "break down" every time you leave her at school,  this is a big red flag symptom that her anxiety symptoms are coming from your interactions with her.  Kids are very perceptive.

The fact that once she's there she appears to have no symptoms that you mention,  and she's a "teacher's dream",  nobody who knows her in the school is imagining that she's breaking down like this at home is very telling.  Usually children with generalized anxiety issues are more anxious at school,  and it's obvious to the adults around them that there's a real problem.

I would suggest you take the next 10 days or so,  and not be there in the morning when he's preparing to go to school.  Make it a fun reason, you're taking a craft class or cooking class or whatever fun and light,  and leave well before she gets up and return after she's gone.  Have your husband take care of her in the morning and have him drop her off at school.  If you need to to make it easier,  you can take the baby with you when you disappear in the morning.

I really think you are telegraphing anxiety to her,  and I think after 10 days she will be getting up calmly,  and going to school with no fuss.   And when she comes home from school you'll be there smiling,   behaving calmly.  Don't ask her how her morning went,  but rather things like do you have any homework?  What are you doing in PE these days?  NO mention of did you feel okay going to school without me.  No diamond rings or cell phones.

Best wishes.

[tiredbuthappy]

I was thinking about a 504 as well. Anxiety at this level is a medical issue, and with some therapy and accommodations you may have more success. While you provide a stable life for her now, the changes in the past and family can leave a lasting impact. I am surprised that the school system has not suggested you both get counseling to help with this issue (unless they have but you chose not to?).

[margypops]

I think you are as a good caring mom , overdoing it, it is getting her too much attention, you should back off, she is in control, not you .If you do not keep giving way to her she will realise its not working, some school counseling would be in order here in my opinion.aswell. Not easy I know we want our  children to be forever happy, but thats not possible .You are trying too hard , try the other way take a step back and see what happens I think she will soon regulate her behavior if you don't feed into it.You are enabling her to behave like this , out of your love for her, .Good Luck

[ku111]

Have you ever considered a child psychiatrist?  I had a friend and her daughter did this.  They treated her anxiety with light therapy and maybe anti-anxiety meds for a little while.  If you get a dr. behind you and get a 504 Plan with the school, they will have to go with it.  She started back to school after a little therapy and hour and then another hour... until she was going full time.  I know it sounds strange but she got better and she is an amazing senior about to graduate at the top of her class!  The only thing that set the whole thing off was a trip to Pikes Peak for vacation and it was a long and horrible trip home.  Better to take care of this now than later.  They maybe able to offer home tudoring to keep her caught up and a lot of help from you too.  This will not be easy and will take some doing but in the big scheme of things this is grade school.  I so wish you the best.  Have you ruled out anything medical?  I know this sounds strange but does she snore really bad when she sleeps or has really strange sleeping habits?  Let me know.  I don't want to go into what was wrong with my son if it doesn't fit this situation.  And yes, this is how this other mother and I met.  She is a teacher and I am a RN.  Believe me when I say the school was relentless.  I have learned a lot since then.  If I can help you in any way, I am more than willing to do so.