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Avatar universal

please help dont know what more to do

My oldest child is a 7 year old boy I'm a stay at home mom of four kids my son and three girls. When I had him I was young (my high school graduation day way my due date) my son and I had it hard to a long time so I can kinda understand why he's so angry but IV tryed tharapy IV tryed meds for him ADHD but nothing helps I'm ganna make a list of the issues and plz help I love my son so much but I'm going crazy
- he talks back
- yells at me
- hits his sisters ( not normal kids hitting I'm talking black eye hitting)
- he has been suspended off the bus twice for saying the f word and hitting a little girl
- on the last week of school before winter break he got suspended for sinking knifes to school and then telling a class mate next time it will be a be be gun.
Please anyone I'm begging for help his dad is MIA on Meth somewhere and I really need to save my son from himself plz plz help
11 Responses
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Avatar universal
Gosh it sounds like you had a tough time with the birth but I'm so pleased you both survived and went on to bond well, many women can get depression after a difficult birth and with lack of support, you have done a great job in coping and getting on raising your family, you are much stronger then you think I suspect.  

I run a toddler group and also a coffee morning for parents in our local area to encourage parents to meet (I felt incredibly isolated living in London with no family around when I had my first son) - an ADHD or child behaviour parent group would be a great thing for you to attend - is there anything like that in your area you could go to for support?  

You sound like you've been through a lot and that must have made you learn to cope in challenging situations, please believe in yourself, you are a good Mom who wants the best for her family.  If anyone says you are a bad Mom again stand up and tell them they are wrong.  Shout it from the roof tops!  You could even start your own group - call your local council or government (sorry I don't know what they call it in the States) and ask if there is any help to start your own group.  There may be other parents in your area who feel just like you - just finding out you are not alone is a great tonic.  See if there are any charities who could help you cope with your son's behaviour too or could offer good advice.

I really hope you find a way and wish you could come along to our coffee morning for a chat and some much needed support!  Take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yea we bonded the only issue I can think of is the delivery did not go as planned. I was in labor for 18 1/2 hours and ended up having pre-clampsya by the time they found out that's what it was I had already been pushing for 2 hours. I had to have an emergancy c-seaction and since it was emergancy they had to put me out I only remember bits and pieces of the whole thing I remember asking y he was not crying he had a huge cone head from pushing and the cord was around his neck he was born with no heatbeat and not breathing. I thank god each day that he with me at all. Since I was put out I was that last one to meet my son and since he was born dead he was in the nicu. But I was in love with my son from be our I ever met him so yea I think we bonded my son tells me ever day he loves me as do I to him
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535822 tn?1443976780
The SOS Help for parents book is very good worth reading you can get it on Amazon on the used book section .
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Avatar universal
Whoops - I forgot to include the important part of the big change:

SET RULES - make a list of no more then 5 rules you want him to follow (major things like not hitting his sisters, not taking dangerous things into school and not lying to you or his teachers etc.)  It's also important to ask him if there is a rule he would like you to follow (it has to be reasonable) but it will make him feel that he is empowered to make the changes too.

Write these rules down and both of you agree on a suitable punishment if he doesn't follow them (like doing extra chores - he needs to help you decide so he is more likely to agree to the punishment)  Display these rules somewhere for him to see.

Sorry - missed the important bit!

Wendy
Make sure you are
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I feel for you and your son is lucky his Mom is trying her best to help him.  I would definately get him checked for ADHD and whether his meds are right or if he needs to be on them at all.  Did you bond with him at birth?  Sounds like you had a hard time and may have had undiagnosed post natal depression.  This can lead to mistrust and a lack of understanding on both sides and left unchecked can spiral to many other behaviour problems for your son and hard times for you.  You must re-learn how to bond with your son and your son needs to start to bond and trust you.

You must have a day of complete change where you can be with him without the girls (that is important - even if it's just for an hour).  

Speak to him (communication is really important) and please don't try to accuse, lecture or humiliate him in your way of speaking.  Just put your hands up and say you love him and that you know that you haven't been the best Mom (even if you have - it will make them feel like they have been forgiven and you love them) but from this day you want a big change and it will come from BOTH of you (you are giving a lot at this stage and may be saying things you don't think are true but he is only 7 and needs a second chance to improve his behaviour and feel that you love him despite his bad behaviour).

Make a pledge with him and reinforce it with an action (like a big hug or shaking hands) to:

1. Start again - from this day all that he has done or you have done will be put away, locked in a box and forgiven.  No reference to bad behaviour in the past can be thrown back in their face, same way as any resentment or blame by them can be thrown back to you.

2. Tell him you want to start trusting him because he is getting a big boy and you feel he is old enough to be trusted and start doing more to help you around the house (empower him to believe he can do this and be more independent) and give him plenty of praise when he does good (try and praise more and reprimand less - especially important for ADHD sufferers).

2. Communicate - agree to spend time every day (even if you have to set a time!) to talk about their day and give each other a hug.

3. Have a code word.  This word can be said in the heat of the moment when you really want to say "please stop, I love you and don't want this bad behaviour to continue or spiral out of control"  it can be something like "HOPE" (or a word you both decide on) so when things get out of hand and resentment is felt and both or one of you think things have gone too far you can say the word.  When this word is said, agree that you both will have time-out for 5 minutes then you will hug and the offender will say  "SORRY" or even "PEACE" if sorry is too hard.

And above all remember that he has only been on this earth 7 years and needs your guidance and support to help change his ways.  ADHD is difficult to manage if he does have this and you will need all the support you can get in order to manage his behaviour through his teens and adulthood - seek support groups in your area or online.

There are lots of tips and advice about how to cope with ADHD and how to adjust your parenting to help these children like: http://www.adhdnews.com/adhd-tips.htm

Make sure you talk to the girls and they understand that he has a disorder and needs extra help, so they understand you are not favouring him.

Remember - You are doing a great job and are a great Mom, sometimes life gets tough and things need to change drastically to make that shift in behaviour happen.  Too often children can get "tarred" with a brush from a young age and things and events lead to it spiralling out of control until they start being abusive and uncontrollable, everyone needs a second chance to start again.  No child enjoys being bad - it's either because of home/school environment or a medical condition.

Good luck - my thoughts are with you.  My son is 17 and has ADHD and we have been through many a rollercoaster ride and it's still happening but I am positive and hopeful that we are doing what we can to help him become a responsible and controlled adult.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too!

Kind regards

Wendy
Helpful - 0
189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
   Hey, I feel for both you and your son.  I normally post on the ADHD forum, but also monitor this one.  I am curious what meds he has tried and if they actually were for ADHD or something else.  Essentially, ADHD meds are uppers.  However, if you have ADHD and the dosage is too strong, then it will give you the zombie like feeling.  Typically, the doctor reduces the dosage at that point.  The don't say "ride it out."  Thats BS on their part.  So something is kind of weird - thats why I am curious what med was doing this to him.
   Also he is 7 and has 3 sisters all younger.  I can guarantee you that he is thirsty for attention.  There are posts on here all the time about kids who have somewhat similar problems due to a younger sibling.  Its not your or his fault.  You have had to deal with the little ones and frankly girls are a lot easier (well at this age) to work with.  You (and your husband) really need to try and make time for him.  Just some short special one on one time.  One way to do this is to invest a little bit of money (very little) in some books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd that deal with handling their emotions.  Read it aloud to him - make that your one on one time.  A good book to start with is "hands are not for hitting" which is found here  -  
http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
    And if you scroll down on that site you will find a lot more good ones.
  There are also two highly recommended books on discipline.  One is -  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  The other will be useful a bit later as they all grow up and that is Parenting With Love And Logic by Fey.  Hope this helps a bit!
Helpful - 0
377493 tn?1356502149
Oh honey, it breaks my heart when I hear someone told you you are a bad mom.  That's just awful.  We all just do the best we can and we love them to bits.  I don't have any personal experience with this, but have met other mom's on this site dealing with a whole variety of extra challenges with their children.  One thing I have learned is that parenting a special needs child is almost something you have to learn to do.  It's not easy.  So maybe some help for you to learn how to handle it might help too?  Not because your a bad mom, but because he requires some extra help and none of us just knows how to do that without help from others.  So go easy on yourself ok?  You aren't alone in this issue, lots and lots of parents go through similar type issues.  Reach out to them if you can and again, talk to your Dr. about help and support that may be available to you.  Your doing the right things it sounds like, it just may take time to see the differences.  
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Avatar universal
Well I have a great husband but he is a roofer and is always out of town never here. I'm pritty sure at this point he's almost gave up on him. My mom is not really in my life, my dad just had a stroke and is not doing that great so can't talk to him about it and when I told my sister she told me it was my falt that I'm a bad mom and mad me cry. I'm trying so hard to help my child but I feel as tho I'm hitting a brick wall. I'm not a bad mom I love my kids so much and its breaking my heart that my sons like this. Just talking about this make me cry I need help
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Avatar universal
He has taking a few different meds for his ADHD but they all make him like a zobie so at this point his doc says to ride it out.. yea he has a bully in his class and at his bus stop IV talked to his teachers and have have way more then my share of school meetings.. he sees the schools tharapist each day and has been put on a special program at school where he gos to a smaller class twice a day for some one on one attention but he's everything I do seems to make things a bit worse.
Helpful - 0
377493 tn?1356502149
I think maybe you also need to give therapy another try. If he is threatening with weapons, there is something serious going on there.  The physical abuse of his sisters is also way past the red flag point.  It sounds to me like this kid is in crisis.  Therapy can take a very long time.  And like anyone else in the medical profession, there are both good and not so good therapists out there.  But it sounds like you need some serious intervention now. Are you in the US?  If so, I believe the school system also can be an asset in helping with evaluations, etc. (I'm in Canada, so it's a bit different here, but I have heard US friends talk about the programs available through the school system).  I would talk to your family Dr. first and see if he or she has any recommendations for a really good child therapist.  Good luck to you, I cannot imagine how difficult this is.  Do you have a good support system in your life?  You didn't mention if you are on your own with the kids or not, but it's important to have support.  If there are no family or friends you can lean on, reach out to a parenting support group.  
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535822 tn?1443976780
Is your son on Meds I see you say he has ADHD as sometimes the meds for this disorder do have side effects like aggression .so I would check that out with your doctor .He sounds upset by something what was he suspended for at school , does any bullying go on at school , have you spoken to his teachers .?
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