separation anxiety

[jac918]

my 10 year old son is having what i believe is separation anxiety from me(mom). His father and i were divorced when he was 5, but he was ok with that from what he told me. For the last year he has been having a real hard time when he is at his fathers house. My ex-husband and i always call the boys to tell them goodnight when they're at the others house. Every time i call to tell him goodnight, he tells me how much he misses me and loves me and starts crying. My ex-husband and i got a divorce because he is an alcoholic. There was no physical violence, but he was mean. my son tells me his dad is always yelling and screaming and giving guilt trips. When we first got divorced, he tried to turn my other son against me, who was only 7. he worked on the boys emotions, with tears and the whole bit. he was not grieving, i know this because of the lies he was feeding my other son, i finally took him for counciling, when i confronted him, he'd deny it. my 10 year old is now going to counceling. my 10 year old is a great kid, he plays alot with the other kids, has alot of friends, but when he is at his dads house and the day is over, he gets very sad because he wants to be with me. my ex-husband insists that i am playing games with the childs mind, IM NOT. i try to calm him down and get him to stay at his dads house, but he always wants me to ask his dad if he can come stay with me, and if dad says no to me, when his dad and i get off the phone, he yells at my son and gives him a guilt trip about hurting his feelings, my son tells me this. i am a single mom, its just me and my 2 boys at my house, there is no man, so my boys feel safer sleeping in my room, so i let them, they wont be young forever, and when they feel comfortable enough to sleep in their own room, they will. i dont feel i baby either one of them, but if they need an extra snuggle, i will give it to them. i've never heard of anyone showing too much love to their children. my ex insists that i am babying him. but when he goes to my ex for the same, he pushes him away, tells him he's not going to baby him like mom does. my ex also wont let my 10 year old call me sometimes when hes feeling sad, he has taunted him about it, he has allowed my 12 year old to taunt him also. my 10 year old, almost always goes into the bathroom to whisper to me and cry when hes missing me and hes at his dads, its heart breaking. my ex husband wont face the facts about some things he himself needs to change to help fix this, he blows it off and puts the blame on me. he is stuck in that --"be a man" thing. i've tried to explain to him that my son needs a little extra attention right now because hes having a hard time, my ex says--"IM NOT GOING TO BABY HIM!" i've told him that my 10 year old will not be young forever, and he needs this right now,  i used the analoyg that when you get a puppy, you cant expect him to be a watch dog yet, he needs love as a puppy to make the bond secure, then as he grows older he will become a watch dog. my ex refuses to change anything, and my son always looks worn out after he is at his dads house, it hurts me so much, any suggestions, my son and i really need help.


This discussion is related to Can a 10 year old have Separation Anxiety?.

[91004]

He can't reduce your childsupport is he crazy. My husband don't pay his at all but when he occasionally decides to he don't deduct anything. That is crazy. You should make it where he has to pay it thru the court. So when he is past due they set up a court date(it takes them forever to take it to court but your not having to spend your money) I would definitly get daytime visits only with the dad. My ex does stupid stuff all the time so I know some of what your going thru.

[babygirl6152]

glad you are able to get all this out- I am sure it helps a lot-

all I can add that I am seeing fro your last post is:

there is a big possibility he is using your son to help control your anger/emotions- the only way you can stop it short term if you are not ready to get a lawyer is to have a plan with your son- it sounds manipulative but it is all I can think of- your ex is playing off these emotions and possibly loving it- if there are no emotions to play off of- the issue is gone- what would happen if you told your son to get thru the weekend- the best he can- the screaming starts when your son cries and misses you and wants to call you

You mentioned prayer-prayer opens up a whole supernatural strength that helps us endure what was not before possible to endure-pray together before he leaves that he will have a happy time and try his best not to call you as much or even at all- you have drawn a picture for me- as tacky as dad is- he is just waiting for that boy to pick up the phone to call mom-----try it for a month and see if the whole thing starts to calm a bit.

If not- get a credit card and charge that lawyer's fees--
BTW our judgment from the court does say that extra fees may be split for tutoring/private schools/ medical expenses- I agree with you- your husband is full of baloney to deduct little league enrollment fees etc. from child support- and THAT is also a control issue- what an A@@ HOLE

[jac918]

my son has told him quite a few times of his feelings, and i have told him quite a few times of my sons feelings, he is the king of denial. when my son wants to come to my house while hes at my ex's, a couple of times now, my ex asked him why-- my son told him because he misses me, after "dad" told him "thats not good enough" my son told him it is because he is mean to him and yells alot. then he got yelled at, my son told me his dad actually yelled at him,  "im not a dickhead", nice language to yell at a 10 year old hu? and the ex told him,  "i dont yell, i just raise my voice, im italian, thats how it is"  nice cop out hu??  my son is afraid of his dad. ive told my ex this, he denies it, ive tried to get my son to talk to his dad with me there, but he wont, he wouldnt even talk to him and tell him his feelings with me AND the councelor in the room. the councelor asked him to and he clammed up, he said nothing, and he was sitting right next to me. when he wouldnt answer, she asked him if he felt comfortable doing that, and he shook his head, no. the last time my son wanted to come to his home with me, of course his dad told him, no! so my son while talking to me on the phone, asked me to ask his dad, so i did, and he started yelling and telling me no, then, from what my son told me, he went into his room at his dads, layed in his bed and cried, his dad came into his room and yelled at him that he could just cry himself to sleep, and if i came over there, he was going to call the police, making it seem as if the police would take me to jail. when my son told me this the next day, i told him not to worry about that, his dad was trying to scare him, as far as i was concerned, he could call the police all day long every day, all day long. those were scare tactics by his dad, all the police could do would be to tell me to leave, im not a violent person, there is no physical violence, but when he tries his **** with me i let him have it with "both barrels" for my son. i dealt with this man in a marriage for 9 years, his big mouth doesnt scare me. i am a momma trying to protect her son, for every bit of **** that spews out of his mouth, i have a come back. his excuses dont work on me and he knows it. he is a control freak. who's reign is soon (as soon as i get the money together for a lawyer) is comming to an end. i have a dirty feeling he's not going to give me my child support this comming month, just to be a jerk. he has threatened that before, telling me, "i wont pay the child support just to screw you, i know they'll come after me, and i will have it when they do, but i know it will screw you all up in the meantime. i use that to pay my rent to keep a roof over my kids heads. so its very touchy there. (for now.)  but he will be in for a big surprise,   he has, on his own authority taken money out of my child support for things like sports for both boys and other things that he decided to sign them up for, i was told by the child support enforcement agency that  this is illegal, he cant do that, especially if he is the one who decided to sign them up for it, it then becomes his responsibility,  the amount that was ordered by the judge is to be given all at once for me to decide what to do, not him. he has given me itemized lists and totals of what he has taken out and i still have them all, so i will give all them to the lawyer too, and get all that back. because when he did this i didnt agree with it i didnt even know about it until he came with half a check. so i have a few tricks for him and his oh so precious money up my sleeve when he opens this can of worms. when we got divorced, i gave him everything, i just wanted to get away from him, so our divorce was easy for him. i believe he has a false sense of security thinking im a push over because of it. does the phrase  "...balls to the wall" mean anything to anyone??  what angers me the most is that he is a doctor, he has been one for 20 years. to meet this man, youd never know he was like this, everyone thinks hes so nicey nicey he puts on a great act around other people, very soft spoken, happy, and joking around, no one except those of us who have been unfortunate enough to  see him at home, including my older sons friends would ever believe this side exists. my older son (who is 12)  told me his friends think his dad is a jerk. i have started praying for my ex, that God will show him what hes doing, either touch is heart or smack him in the head. of course i prefer the latter. i dont yell in my home, i know that if you are always yelling yelling yelling, people tune you out and if there was ever an emergency where i needed to yell at my boys for their safety, theyd just tune me out too, so i talk. every once in a while when theyre out of control, and not listening to me very well i do, and my theory works, it gets their attention quick, but that is not often, i dont want to misuse raising my voice. they know that in the home they share with me, i dont like yelling of any kind. we talk. if there is a problem between my 2 boys, i make them sit down with me and we talk and talk and talk until it is solved. then i will make them apologize to each other and give each other a hug. that is how i do it. that works for us. then i make it a point to tell them  "it is over now, it will not come back up again"  and when they cant find that middle ground and each except responsibility for their part in whatever has happened, they know we will sit until every one admits their part in the problem. then its over, we dont dwell on it.  we will not get up until its solved, no matter how long it takes. alot of their dad's attitude of "its everyone elses fault, not mine" is trying to rub off on them, to which i tell them, no one is perfect, everyone has faults, when you are always blaming someone else, you suddenly start believing you have no faults and thats when you turn into a jerk. he seems to have them conditioned to immediately assign fault to someone else when something happens. i am trying to counter everything he does at his house, when they're with me, another example, if they break a glass or spill something, they start apologizing out the wazoo, because at their dads house, they get screamed at, here, i tell them, its ok its just an accident, and accidents happen, its not the end of the world, we will clean it up. of course if its something that has been broken, i ask them if they are ok first, so they know i am more concerned about them, not the "thing" that got broken. i try to counter everything with love and understanding and forgiveness because first of all that is how we are all suppose to be, and second, to counter the "pigs" he would turn them into as adults. if i had known this is how this man was before i married him, i would have run screaming. i tried to make it work with him, obviously, i stayed married for 9 years, but i came to a point where i was absolutely miserable and found alot of his issues rubbing off on me. i didnt like who i was becoming, thats when i called it quits. i love both my boys, and i realize i wouldnt have them if i hadnt married this dr jeckle mr hyde. i wouldnt trade my boys for all the tea in china,but they didnt ask to have a father like this, they dont deserve to have his personal issues trickle down on their heads. they are innocent children looking to their father for male guidance and though i believe he is not a good male role model,  i do belive he is a very good actor for those around him who dont know him. i know this is a very long explanation to a very short question posted above, but there is so much in me that it feels good to get it out so everyone will see what im dealing with and maybe have additional suggestions. thanks all, keep the suggestions comming. i get on here daily since i started this.

[91004]

If your son hates it that bad and is seeing a counselor because of it I would take it to court and see if you could change to day visits or maybe just 1 nite. If the ex doesnt see or care what he is doing to his son then it doesnt seem like that will change. Have you and your son tried to talk to him together so your son can express his feelings while your in the room with them maybe it would be easier adn maybe the ex will see

[jac918]

thanks to all who gave suggestions, i know it is coming down to a court battle, though i dont know how much of a "battle" it will actually be. I am going to check into a lawyer, since my divorce lawyer retired, and see what i need to do. My son just cant continue to feel like this. Its very hard because i want my ex to see how he's hurting my son, except responsibility for his actions instead of denying fault. I think every boy needs a good relationship with his father, but unfortunately, I dont see my ex changing. Ive asked my son how the councelor told him to handle this, and he said,  to tell him how i feel, so i told him, thats right, be honest, even if it seems to be the same answer every time. Maybe then it will sink in as he looks into my sons sad young face. It just makes me want to shake my ex to death to wake up some brain cells. my son says he hates his dad, he says he doesnt care if he ever sees him again. To me thats very sad. I cut myself doing dishes as i was washing a glass 2 weeks ago, blood was everywhere because i nicked one of my arteries, my youngest freaked out, he started shaking and crying, and when i got to the urgent care, he went into the room with me so the doctor could stitch me up, and that little boy sat right next to the bed they had me on, offered to let me squeeze his hand if it hurt me, and he watched the doctor do all of it, just like a momma hen. After this incident, he started asking me, teary eyed, what if something else happens to you mom? something bad. Of course, i told him, honey, its only a cut, someday, you will be sitting here, and i will be sitting where you are, dont worry about bad things i am fine. That is so heartbreaking to know your son is worrying about that. Im so angry inside at my ex, he's so busy trying to make this boy a hardened man, that hes missing out on the caring, loving, soft hearted little boy he is now. He doesnt even know this little boy. I try to tell my ex that by being the way he is with my son, that he's pushing him farther and farther away, and he ruining his relationship with him, of course he denies that. Im so frustrated!!  Why is it that some men are like this? Is it because they're insecure in their own manhood? I know he loves my son, i guess i should say, "our" son, but thats hard for me,  considering. well if anyone else has any more suggestions id love to hear them.    thanks all.

[babygirl6152]

divorce is tough even when the parents are both loving and understanding- I know in his own way my ex loves my son but there is a bigger bond between me and the my son- he thankfully was a hugging father even though distant emotionally from me, his (ex) wife, he learned to put forth that extra push for his son- now there is no way for you to fix this now but we rarely did the phone calling when they were with the other parents- he only saw his daddy about 6 times a year, so I let their time be "their time"... a few times when the boy was gone for weeks at a time, our son would call and beg to come home and even though I wanted him and even though I missed him and even though dad was willing to bring him I usually asked him to tell him he would "be fine, and they would enjoy their time together and he could see me when we agreed"- if he was sick or something like that it would have been different, but a boy does need his daddy too. Except your husband already had issues to where you maybe could have had limited visits from early on- I think you all could consider getting visits changed thru a judgement since your son is so well spoken, maybe the judge will grant a change when he hears how hard he is on the boy emotionally......

but as in any family keep in mind the judge will consider this:

the mom is the one that loves and nurtures emotionally- you are actually doing your job as nurturer----
the dads are the disciplinarians and the ones that teach a man to be a man- in dad's mind he thinks he is doing his job----
in the same household there is usually that "just right balance"
you'll hear a mom saying in the old days
"just wait til your daddy gets home" because he will take care of the discipline usually swiftly and justly even if he was not there when the incident happened.

that's just the way it is- in cases of single parenting even for daddies they somehow learn to give both sides usually.....


I was always worried I was babying my boys and maybe I did- I was a single mom twice- when they were closer to time to sleep alone- I believe for the eldest it was age 2 or 3, we actually slept in bunkbeds for awhile and would talk and pray before he went to sleep- some of the closeness is for our emotions too ladies- let's don't kid ourselves-
the youngest was about 10 - he would come to sleep with me when he was sick maybe-  we painted his room- bought special xmen curtains or something like that- made him sort of "love his room"- set a date and he worked toward it- and I bought him a puppy - yes at age 16 he still sleeps with that dog- and I am remarried and my husband the most macho of men know that I go to snuggle and pray with and kiss my son goodnight at night- we have our own books and even read together for about 10 minutes- then I go snuggle with hubby... lately this boy even has a job of his own- he is growing up into a man- and is not home til after I have gone to bed---- and he is growing up fine- he doesn't wake me up or need me to tuck him in- but he does call the dog to jump in bed with him.


I hope things work out for what is best for your son- I know it is heartbreaking for you-

[91004]

I to am a single mother of two boys, Your son I think is old enough to decide if he wants to go to his dads. Talk to son about it if he says no he don't want to go then go see a lawyer and get the custody arrangements changed and explain the situation. The ex is obviously making the child uncomfortable. I also let my boys sleep with me and feel the same way as you do if and when their ready they will sleep in their room for now I am fine with them in my room and it doesnt mean your babying them. Hope this helps.

[jdtm]

I don't know what to say - perhaps you need to see your lawyer and get the custody arrangements changed.  But, your son is not suffering from separation anxiety; he is suffering from cruelty and extreme stress.  I'm hoping someone else with experience in this area can be of more help.