should 3-y.o. be asked questions about her physical state

[nonetome]

THis is my first post ever, please forgive the verbosity.

We have a 3-1/2-y.o girl.  My spouse and I disagree on a couple of discipline and health assessment methods.  

First, every time she has a cough or sniffles, my wife asks her in a worried tone "why are you coughing?" or "why are you sniffling?", or "why do you have a stuffy nose?"  I am concerned that by doing so, she involuntarily creates some sort of guilt or responsibility association in the child's mind.  (After a number of those questions, for some time now, our daughter starts crying helplessly every time she has a stuffy nose and is unable to breathe freely through the nose). It looks like a vicious circle or question and reaction.  Is my concern justified?

On another note, I try to make our daughter not do certain things (such as throwing tantrums and becoming aggressive when she does not want to do one thing or another) by telling her that she is now a big kid, and that big kid do not do that or another sort of thing.  My wife thinks I am belittling her and putting her down by telling her this.  What am I doing wrong?

Thanks!  

[margypops]

Annies got it by george shes got it...I cannot add to the above post ....great input

[AnnieBrooke]

I wouldn't anxiously ask a child a question she can't answer every time she sniffles or sneezes.  (Realistically, what kind of answer does your wife expect?  "My sinus membranes got a bit of hazelnut pollen"?)  Besides, loading anxiety onto a sniffle is a good way to cause your daughter to get paranoid that every sneeze means she is really sick.  It will just frighten her unnecessarily about her own health.

As far as saying bracing things about being a big kid to try to shame her out of a tantrum (or pep-talk her out of it), she's a little young for that.  I'd try reassurance and understanding of where she is coming from, instead.  My son will stop in full wail, if I simply say back to him in a sympathetic tone of voice, "You wanted the balloon and you can't reach it."  I don't have to get him the balloon or even solve the problem, he just loves it that I say it sympathetically.  Saying "Be a big kid" can sound to a crying child like "Oh, shut up."  This adds the pain of not feeling cared about to the frustration of whatever made the child cry in the first place.

Of course, that means you have to be paying attention to know what your daughter was crying about in the first place, and for a lot of dads that is not the easy part, but it really can be striking, how well it can work.  A lot of a tantrum in the first place is the feeling of frustration, and being understood immediately reduces frustration.  Even if the problem is not solved, having an understanding person say something about how one is feeling releases the emotional load.

This is not a "guy" way to address issues.  Men like to solve problems, or decide the problem is nothing and say "knock it off" and have it all be over.  However, a toddler is not an adult.  They don't care as much that the problem be solved as they care about being emotionally connected with.  You'll be surprised at how much communication is forthcoming and how much it changes the dynamic if you take that approach to a crying child.  You don't even have to be perfect at guessing what the matter is, if you come close the child will probably clarify.  ("You're sad because you can't reach the balloon?"  "No!  Because I wanted the green one and not the blue one!")  And you don't even have to be able to solve the problem, if you connect emotionally.  ([sympathetically --]"I'm sorry, honey, I can't make them have any more green ones, the green ones are all gone.")  It's the connection with the child's feelings that releases the stress for the kid.

Good luck, I hope you try this.  It may amaze you.

[pheonixserene]

Ur not belittling her at all. As a young child she strives 2 b like the older kids. So by u tellin her that she'll try 2 differentiate a baby from a big girl. I do it with my 3 yr old and it helps her do alot of new things! Mayb ur wife thinks it does, I wouldnt kno y cuz thats hr opinion....u should ask her. U guys hafta b on the same page wen it cums to disciplining her. Talk to her and try to *** to sum kinda undrstanding. As far as asing her about her coughing ans all, ur wife is just being a mom. Of course I doubt ur 3 y/o knos why, is she always having trouble? She may have allergies. Does any1 smoke in the home? Do u keep pets inside? A few things can affect her. U can try giving her children  Zyretec, I use it on my kis at night wen she goes to sleep and she's allergy free all day! I give her a tsp.
Good Luck!!! = D