4 year old with severe separation anxiety

[AudreyP4]

About two months before my daughters third birthday she was due to start nursery. I took her to a really nice school but she was scared to go, I knew this was normal as she had never been  here before. I kept trying, everyday, for the next 7 months to get her to go to nursery but she just wouldn't go. She kept screaming and crying. I kept the school informed and they told me to just keep trying. 7 months after the first day of nursery she had finally plucked up the courage to go however, when we got there the nursery teacher told me (in front of my daughter) that she  couldn't go in class because her school place had been given to someone else. No one mentioned this when I phoned them everyday to explain my daughters absence and my daughter was quite upset about this.
I got her a place at a different school for her next year of nursery and I made sure to tell the teacher and parent liaison all about what had happened previously. For the first week I took her to school and left while she was crying. The nursery teacher told me this was the best way to do it. The next week she wouldn't go to school, every morning she would scream and make herself sick! After a few weeks of this I spoke to my health visitor and the parent liaison at the school and we arranged meetings to discuss it.
In January, I took my daughter to nursery and stayed with her for the last hour. We gradually increased the time so she was at nursery all morning with me. Then I would disappear for a little bit. Ten minutes at first then gradually longer, and by March she was going to nursery and spending the full morning (3 hours) without me. She still gets very upset in the mornings and as soon as I pick her up she starts crying and tells me how much she missed me. Her teachers have told me that she doesn't interact with the other children and usually just sits in the reading area on her own.
In four months she will be starting Reception, I've spoken to her about how fun it will be etc. But I'm worried about how she'll cope. She's only just started to get used to going to nursery for three hours and in two months she'll stop going there, have a month of no school at all and then stay at school for 6 hours. Every time I mention it she starts crying hysterically and it takes a while to stop her, then she worries about it for a few hours after.
I only work whilst she's at school (I'm self employed) so every time she's not at school I'm with her. I don't have anyone to look after her whilst I go out (to try and get her used to me not being there all the time) as my parents refuse to and I don't have anyone else.
Me and my daughter have been living with my parents but I now have enough money to move into our own house - which I will be doing during the month she is off school. I'm also worried about how this might affect her.

[RockRose]

Another thought is,  she is doing this for your benefit.  She's picked up that it's expected that she have such extreme difficulty,  and she's performing as she believes is expected?  Calling a nursery school every single day to update them of progress is kind of extreme - and your statements that you knew her fear was normal,  etc.,  might have communicated to her that this is completely normal and expected behavior, if she has a preference of not going.

Have you ever communicated to her that she needs to stop this,  and that you're getting impatient with her  tantrums,  and does she notice that no one else is behaving that way?  

My youngest wouldn't go to nursery school two mornings a week when he was 2.  So we waited til he was 3,  and the first several weeks I'd tell him if he walked in there with a sweet expression on his face and didn't make a fuss when I left,  there would be a fabulous reward on his carseat when I picked him up.  It was a dollar store thing.  The point was to instill the habit of walking in without clinging and crying.  It was the habit of him learning to calm himself down,  and the expectation that he learn to do that without being further coddled.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

"teacher" was supposed to be "teach her"

[RockRose]

I agree with the others that her separation reaction is extreme and you need more professional help than a health visitor or parent liaison.  You have really given this a true "honest go" of making her feel comfortable with her nursery school that sounds like it's loving,  caring and consistent.  

At this point there is either a family/relationship dynamic a therapist could spot and help you out with,  or an extreme anxiety problem that may respond to meds or therapeutic strategies that teacher her to lower her arousal through biofeedback.  My three boys had three different levels of separation anxiety (low,  medium and high) and I think the strategies that you have used up to this point should have worked completely.

I wonder if getting her out of your parents house might actually help?  Is there a relationship dynamic there that makes her possessive of you?

[AudreyP4]

Thanks for your replies, she doesn't have any of those other problems.

[Sandman2]

   I definitely agree with Annie, this - I think is something that might require professional help.  
   Does she also have any of the other problems listed below - which would signify it might be more then just anxiety?
            nappropriate response to people: A child may avoid eye contact, resist being picked up or cuddled, and seem to tune out the world.
Inability or reduced ability to play cooperatively with other children or to make friends.
Inability to understand other people's feelings.
Need for a rigid, highly structured routine -- and being very distressed by changes in routines
Extreme hyperactivity or unusual passivity, and extreme resistance to change.
Aggressive, self-injurious behavior.
Repetitive body movements, including pacing, hand flicking, twisting, spinning, rocking, or hitting oneself.
Insensitivity to pain or lack of response to cold or heat.
Impulsive behavior and no real fear of dangers.
An unusual attachment to inanimate objects such as toys, strings, or spinning objects.
Frequent crying and tantrums for no apparent reason.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd talk to a family therapist.  She needs some anxiety reduction strategies, and it doesn't sound like anything you can provide all by yourself.