my fiancé has two children from his former marriage. The oldest (boy) is almost 5, and his daughter is 3 years, 4 months. I have been actively in their lives for 7 months. Penny is extremely intelligent and independent, and has been potty trained for a while, but for the last couple of weeks has been wetting herself again. Last week, at pre-school when she had an accident, she didn't want to wear the second dress they gave her to wear, so she took it in the bathroom (she won't let anyone help her dress), laid it on the floor, and peed on that, too! Yesterday she peed herself (down to her new shoes) and then became upset when I wouldn't let her change her entire outfit. She threw a fit that the new, dry pants didn't match her old shirt, so she wanted a new shirt, too. Later that night, she peed sitting on the couch and was tickled pink to dress herself in her "little mermaid" pullups (she was watching "little mermaid" at the time). We both know not to punish or shame, but it's been hard for my fiancé because it’s getting progressively more frustrating (the same day she ‘went’ on the dress in daycare, she ‘went’ in the car seat because she didn’t qualify for a treat for being good in the grocery).
Yesterday, I asked her if she wets herself so she can change her outfit and she said ‘yes’ but I don’t think she knows what I mean. This morning when she wanted to wear her new shoes to school, I told her she couldn’t because she wet them and they were dirty. She seemed to understand that, didn’t throw a fit, and simply asked me to please clean them. We’ve considered not letting her wear her favorite “princess” panties because “they are too nice for someone to wear them and pee on them, so let’s save them for when you don’t have any more accidents” but we think this may seem like a punishment and is possibly not the best way to go. Yesterday we also differentiated between “accidents” and purposeful “peeing” saying accidents are only that when you can’t help yourself and don’t mean to do it.
She wet herself twice today at pre-school. Is it possible she’s really doing this so she can change her clothes? Or, seeing as their mother came back into their lives shortly before he and I started dating; is this simply her way to keep some control in her chaotic life? And if that’s what it is, what can we do?