Did i guess right? (whole story)

[theshycrier]

okay, so im just going to say everything then tell my problems. so i am 14 and my mother has type one diabetes  and ever since i was very young my mother would go into shock (because she wouldn't take care of herself), which involves bad shaking, alot of sweating and jerking around, and all the while being completly unresponsive. i remember this happening to my mother maybe every month or so, sometimes a few times a month, and i remember it happening at night and my father would get up and get her a coke or something and she would fight him and it would end with alot of swearing and screaming. my fathers job includes working out of town sometimes and he started doing this more when i was older, maybe 3-5 years old, and it would usually always happen at least once when he was gone. we live out in the country and so i would be awakened by these sounds she makes, kinda groans, i guess and so i would have to help her. i would get a coke or something and beg her to drink it or whatever to the point of tears and she wouldn't even look at me, like she didn't see anything or maybe she saw stuff that wasn't there. anyway this scared me alot when i was little; and usually it would end up with me calling my grandparents, who lived about 10 min away, and by then if they wern't able to help, an ambulance was called. as i grew up i started dislikeing her and i would get so afraid that when me and my sister got off the bus at home we would find her on the floor shaking like a leaf. it terrified me to the point where in grade two i asked my teacher if she could phone home just to make sure she was okay (not that i cared about her that much, but just so i wouldn't have to deal with it). it was around this age when i started really hating her. (when we called, she was angry about it
and i got in trouble for questioning her parenting)

other than a bit of anxsity, i think i was still okay back then, other than the fact that every now and then, maybe a few times a year, when i was breathing i would have a very sharp pain in my rips i guess, really close to my heart and it would last for a few seconds, 10 maybe. it would hurt to the point where i would stop breathing, if i could, because it hurt. i think i thought that it wasn't okay, but i guess i still thought it was normal enough. (this coming from the kid who wasn't sure if breakfast and lunch were real or only TV up until kindergarden).

up until 2007 my father was the only one with a job and my mother would sleep until 3:00 or 4 O'clock pm, and would pretty much ignor me and my sister. i don't remember much of this time but i do remember that we would go in and try and get her up and my sister would cry and everything but she wouldn't do anything but yell at us to let her sleep. we got nothing to eat all day until our father came back home at 4:30pm. by then my mother was up and watching tv by then, so i don't think he knew how bad it was.

only when i started school did i start eating lunch, until then i wasn't sure if it was a real thing. also; as long as i can remember, my younger sister has always been my mother's favorite. she would bring food to my sister and just do everything for her while i was told to do it myself, then she would get mad when i did it wrong. now once i realized that she was my mother's favorite i remember trying to get my mother mad, by throwing things and making a mess and pushing my sister around, who is 3 years younger then i am. she would get mad at me and scream at me and i would cry because she would scream at me, but i kept doing it i think because it really was the only time she noticed me, unless she was mad about something i was the one to blame it on.

according to my friends, (i didn't think so at the time), i was the biggest b*tch in elamentarty school. one of my friends, she was always being made fun of and would do what anyone said, i bossed her around a lot,  treated her just like my mother kinda treated me, but i made her be my butler, bringing me my shoes and alot of stuff. i hate talking about that part of my life because im ashamed of how i treated her.


now, medical wise, i think i have a heart problem. i think i have tachy... something or other, where your heart goes faster than it should while doing physical activity and stuff, but it doesn't just happen when im being active, it also happens when in sitting down or something. also, when i get up or sit up i get very dizzy and start to black out, i never fully have but things get very blurry. i usually try to walk through it because it only lasted 30 seconds or so. when my heart is going fast, if its bad then my left shoulder will hurt, sometimes very very badly. (the worst time this happened was on a school trip- and we were going to a dinner to eat so i wasn't that excited) this heart going fast thing and left shoulder started somewhere in the last 2 years and the dizzyness thing started sometime before that, but not too long ago.

i am also a little bulimic, being i will binge on alot of food then attempt to starve myself, which i can do up to a day. the thing is, my spoiled sister gets a lot of junk food so there are always chips and chocolate around my house so there are just so many temptations :'(  i think i am a little fat, i am 100 pounds and i would like to be 98, at the most. in most cases of bulimia, the person will exesivly exersice, but because of my heart i cannot. i am also very depressed and i cut myself. i started this in the beginning of grade 8, so last year. i would use a paper clip and go back and forst vertically on the side of my for arm, although my first cuts were with the dull jagged side of the broken pin which i made about 20 or so cuts all in about a inch and a half up a little lower then my shoulder. now i cut from my elbo to my wrist and i do cut over cuts. i do do it for pain but sometimes, if there fading i'll do it just to look at it. i think i have PTSD (complex), the only event i can thing of being my mother's episodes. (who i now hate a great deal)

i also think i may have some sort of split personality disorder because i will be doing one thing, then i will find myself doing something compleatly different a few hours later. also, i will do stuff, then later it will be different. that sounds kinda confusing so an example is today, in my wallet i have a change spot which i never use, i just throw my change in the bottom of my purse and fish it out later. anyway, today i came home and there was a few bucks in there in loonies and toonies and some other coins. i was really confused cos that was about the amount i remember throwing in my purse but when i fished around in the bottom of my purse i found that change too. no one could have switched it up or anything, not that anyone would. am i crazy??? if u have any ideas i'd love to hear them =D

[tiredbuthappy]

Sounds like someone needs to call family services and report your family. I know it sounds harsh, but without a legal wake-up call, I see this spiraling out of control.
You sound like you really want help. You are right- you need and it you need it soon. you sound like a lovely girl and I would hate for this situation to continue to do damage to you physically and emotionally. Is there a counselor at school you can confide in?

Honestly, if you feel like your family won't take you seriously, I would call the ambulance the next time you have a major episode. It would force the medical community to look into your health concerns, and it would probably spur social services to look in to your family situation. Don't fake an episode- be sure to call when you are having one. They will probably do a full work up. I suspect that your eating disorder along with anxiety can easily be the cause of these symptoms, but the illness they cause can be real.

[adgal]

Honey, your not crazy.  It sounds like maybe your mom had depression in addition to the diabetes, but she would have to be evaluated to know for sure.

In any event, you didn't have an easy time of things.  You need to reach out to someone who can help you sort all this out.  Is there anyone (an adult) that you are close enough to to talk to?  I also grew up in a very dysfunctional home.  It was different then what you experienced, but I also really felt like I hated my parents for a long time, I acted out in some pretty destructive ways, and I can remember also thinking I was probably crazy.  I really had a very low opinion of myself, although I didn't realize thats what it was at the time.

I decided to get help.  It took time and work, but today I am a really happy person.  Beleive it or not, I am really close to my parents now.  I'm married, have a wonderful little boy...all the things I thought could never happen for me.  But it starts by reaching out to someone and asking them for help.  It could be a relative, a teacher, a minister - anyone you trust to confide in.  Someone who can get you started on the road to getting better.  Please call someone...you deserve to be happy. You are worth it.  It's hard to open up, I know - but that is the only way to get better.  Take care and I wish you well.

[theshycrier]

i have not seen a doctor for any of this