when do i tell the truth

Question

my daughter is almost 10 and has never known her biological father. I am married and have been with me since my daughter was 1. She thinks my husband is her dad.. but I don't know when to tell her the truth. She has other siblings by her biological father and one of them goes to her school and she is friends with her and has no idea that she is her half sister.  I have talked to my husband about it and he is scared that if I tell her she will look at him and say she does not have to listen to him cause he is not her dad. Her biological father has never seen her except a school functions because he is there with his other daughter and told her half sister she has another sister out there. I have another daughter who is 7 and has noticed that my 10 year old does not look like her or my step children and will say your are not my sister because u have blonde hair blue eyes and we all have brown hair brown eyes. I don't know what to do I want to tell her but don't know how to bring it up. she has asked some weird questions about why she looks different and the other day asked what kinds of blood she has cause my 7 year old said she has both mine and my husbands blood. so when and how should I tell her?

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Just to clarify, what I mean is that since you are all so close that chances are so very high that the secret won't keep, you should be the one to tell her, not some random grannie or aunt.  It might hurt for her to hear it, but it will hurt more if she hears it from someone else and realizes you haven't told her all this time.  At least this way, you would be able to frame it (the keeping her in the dark about it) as the caring act you felt it was.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

I don't think the secret is going to keep, with all of you in the same close community.  If you lived halfway across the country it would be another matter.

Why not consult a family therapist about how to do this?  And whatever you do, tell your ex the day after you tell her (i.e., tell him that she knows), if you tell her.

babygirl6152 · Answer

Everyone needs to be on the same page. Your loyalty lies with your husband. He is probably concerned as he should be, not just with the discipline issues, "you're not my father, blah blah" but all sorts of un intended circumstances. Sounds like there are many people here to get the fallout from such news.
  Even if you all decide to tell daughter and she ever replies to him like that, he should be wise enough not to be manipulated by that kind of talk from a child. All he would have to say is "sorry you feel like that, but you still have to obey" period. And expect she will obey.
 The bottom line is,
Is it best for her to know? The only reason to have to know is medical histories and it seems he is easy enough to get hold of for that info.

Good luck

Mmarkey19695 · Answer

I would suggest speaking with him first. I do not know the history or why he isn't in y'all's life but his reaction to her knowing is going to be key to a healthy adjustment

eeyore04 · Answer

no I don't have contact with him just run in to him at school functions and he just stares at us and follows us around.

Mmarkey19695 · Answer

Honestly I still say wait! Make sure everyone who knows also knows how important it is to you that the truth comes out when your ready and only from you. The only way I would say go ahead and tell her is if the other man is on board the atleast meet her and let her meet her sister. Do you have contact with him?

RockRose · Answer

Eeyore,  you need to tell her.  This is all swirling around her and it's just a short matter of time before she hears it from someone else.  

I almost always say let sleeping dogs lie,  kids don't need to know brutal truths that aren't relevant to their well-being.

But she'll find out soon because everyone else knows.

I suggest you start this as a story to her - tell her about how happy you were to have her as a baby,  and show her baby pics,  etc.  And then tell her how happy you were to meet her daddy,  (current husband) and how he was so happy to meet you and wanted to be her daddy.  And how happy he is still now as her daddy and how happy you all are as a family.

And then tell her about her half sister,  and how joyful it is to have family here.  And leave the stuff out about sex with that other guy until she asks.

eeyore04 · Answer

everyone In his family and in mine all know about it and he has already to her half sister that she has another sister out there. so if he tells her and she goes to school with my daughter so she could come up and say hey my dad told me you are my sister!!! biggest fear that she will find out before I tell her and her hating me for not telling her

Mmarkey19695 · Answer

Who else that knows would tell her such a personal thing?

eeyore04 · Answer

my biggest fear is that she will be mad at me and that if she finds out from someone else and hate me for lying to her. I want to be the one to tell her not her finding out from someone else.

Mmarkey19695 · Answer

Honestly I was told my dad was not my biological dad when I was 11. I wouldn't recommend it! If you absolutely have to tell her then I would wait until early adulthood. I remember being very confused, sad, hurt, and didn't understand. I also had a half brother and knowing that my biological dad was in his life and not mine only made it worse. This is my personal opinion from my personal experience.    God bless!!!!       Oh also I looked different than my sister that lived with me and I was simply told up until that point that genes work differently on every child, that's what makes us unique. I was completely satsifyied with that and wish I hadn't been told, or atleast not so young.

daniellek89 · Answer

Just be honest with her. Start off by having her sit down with you, then randomly just ask her about her day, then once she's gotten into the subject, just bring up the situation about her father. Maybe say something like.. "(daughter's name here)-- I need to sit down and talk with you about something that's been a real uneasy subject to bring up before." Then say.. "you constantly mention how you're different from all your siblings. You have a different father from them. I have been wanting to tell you, but it's difficult." If she has any questions involving it, then you may want to answer them the best you can. If you do not tell her while she's still a child, she may never understand later on why you did not tell her and she could hold a grudge and/or have anger against you later on if she found out, and if she found out from another source and not from you. She may be willing to understand now if she's becoming extremely curious about why she's different.

Remember, honesty is better now than letting her find out later.

Remember, honesty is better now than letting her find out later.

MarkLakewood3367 · Answer

I think that you and your husband should sit down with your daughter today telling her the truth.  There really is no right or wrong way to tell her or right/wrong time.  You just need to tell her.  The longer you wait, the worse it will be when she eventually finds out the truth.