Help, going out of my mind

[Teenyweeny2]

hi my LMP was 27th November 2014, I was sexually assaulted whilst drunk on 15th December (not a full rape, but he had his fingers inside me while he was masturbating :(  then I woke up, I THINK that's all that happened)  I had sex with my partner from 22nd December onwards. I found out I was pregnant on 13th Jan 2015 after having a negative test on 10th Jan.

I was very worried about the sexual assault causing the pregnancy because it would seem to me that given my LMP date which is accurate, that 15th December would be a more normal ovulation time than the 22nd Dec onwards.

Dating my pregnancy with this LMP I get a due date of 3rd September 2015. However, I was very scared so I have paid for several private ultrasounds. I'm talking 9 or 10 ultrasounds from January through March in several different places. These have all given me due dates of 20th to 23rd September.  Placing conception between 24th - 30th December which is good.

Does this mean I've ovulated very late and the ultrasounds are correct and it is my partners baby? Or that possibly the ultrasounds are wrong and the baby just developed slower than normal? Or my LMP dates are correct? I'm now 19 weeks 6 days according to a due date of 20th sept.

It will kill me if this baby is not my partners, he is a great guy but he will not believe me about the assault he will think I've slept with someone else and am trying to make excuses which is definitely not the case. We already have a child together and it will ruin our family life if the worst has happened here. Every day I wonder if I should have got an abortion because I spend about 3 hours per day on the internet trying to figure this out and cry myself to sleep and have awful nightmares every night. Then I feel my baby moving and I just feel awful I want to enjoy my pregnancy but I can't. I know I can't know for sure who's the baby is but any help or insight would be greatly appreciated because I feel I am developing mental health problems because of this situation.

Thanks so much

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a therapist, and get online with the DDC and/or Ravgen.  Find out the way they do it, I doubt they would have a local lab draw the blood and give it back to you; I think they have international networks of labs they work with.  Find out your facts from the company themselves, not by looking up Internet gossip.  Don't go to a cheap lab, don't use an Internet company based in Canada, go to the top two labs and ask.

[Teenyweeny2]

Ok thank you Annie. I have wanted to do the prenatal paternity test but I am in the UK and I can't find a place to take my bloods and give me back the sample etc, and yes to be honest im not sure if I'd beleive it either because I'd do the one where I can use his toothbrush etc and ive read some reports of them being wrong. Too much time on the Internet.

I won't be having anymore private ultrasounds because I'm 20 weeks now and I had them all between 5/6-13 weeks because I know they wouldn't be so accurate for dating now. I have my hospital 20 week scan on Friday 8th may and I am scared of them saying oh baby is 2 weeks bigger we're going to alter your date etc..

I know I don't feel this is a normal level of anxiety it's 4am here and ive just woken up from another bad dream and back on the Internet trying to get some reassurance. I couldn't go through with an abortion it's not something I'm considering I just wonder if I should have done it at the start as im struggling to cope with the anxiety and the further away I get from the last ultrasound and the closer to the birth the worse this is all getting.

It's not so much that I think they could be wrong exactly, but the thing sticking in my mind is that my partner works away and I didn't have sex with him until cycle day 26 and later and these ultrasounds would suggest I conceived around cycle day 30 - 32 which seems very late and unusual. So I'm trying to figure out what would be more unusual, for the baby to develop very slowly and throw out the ultrasound dates or to ovulate and conceive so late in a cycle. I actually paid no attention to how long my cycles were, if only I had done I'd maybe feel a bit more at ease. Every time I had an ultrasound I'd feel better for about a day before the panic crept back in. Using my due date all the calculators set conception right where I need it to be but they also set the first day of my period as 17th December or 18th December which isn't right this is why I'm struggling.

I think you're right I need to find a councellor I replay what happened over and over again and the thought of the baby being born and it not being his and all his family being there I even feel like the labour is going to be hard and it's going to be my fault because all I'll be able to think about is this. Several times ive even thought ive killed he baby from the excess worry and anxiety! In one way I want the baby to come so I can stop worrying in another way I want the pregnancy to last forever cause I know ive safely got my partner while it's still inside me. I swear all I do is cry about this it's taken over my life I haven't even bought a single item for the baby and am reluctant to decorate a room or get anything ready im just in a state of total disbelief I do think I need some help to be honest im really sorry my posts are so long I don't mean to waste your time :(

[AnnieBrooke]

OK, so you are saying the situation is so catastrophic in your mind that you are spending 3 hours a day on the Internet and not enjoying your pregnancy, and won't believe medical tests that you have had over and over.  This is more than average anxiety, especially since the ultrasounds all agree you did not get pregnant from the first guy.  

I would suggest that rather than more ultrasounds, you would be better off paying for a prenatal paternity test from the DDC or Ravgen; expensive though they are, they are not as costly as 9 or 10 private ultrasounds.   (Of course, it does open the question as to whether you would believe a DNA test, since you are willing to say "possibly all the ultrasounds are wrong."  You genuinely feel that 9 or 10 ultrasounds can all be wrong?)

Anyway, though I don't usually recommend anything besides transparency in these situations, there is apparently a way to test without your guy knowing that you sent in a DNA sample from him.  Call Ravgen or the DDC and talk over what is needed for the test.  Don't use one of the so-called labs that are Internet cheapies, stick with those two, they are the ones with the good reputations.

I am only suggesting a DNA test because you are considering an abortion.  Nothing in your story sounds like the first guy is the dad.  It sounds like an excess of anxiety or guilt (you point out that you didn't intend to cheat and think you didn't, but you did get so drunk as to find yourself in a position that would be hard to explain to your boyfriend whether or not you cheated; possibly that is the root of the problem.  Your behavior didn't line up with your values, and now you're afraid it has lost you everything.)   Another medical thing you could do right now that would probably help the most is to talk to a therapist about what happened and how you can get past the guilt.