Paternity

[Mack1125]

My girlfriend is due July 4 based on the sonogram information. We had sex without a condom on October 15. Am I the father? She is having a girl, I was told that could make a difference. Thanks.

[AnnieBrooke]

There are just so many ways a story based partly on hearsay can be wrong that unless you had all copies of all ultrasounds in your hand and access to the doctor to ask questions, I'm afraid there is no way to parse out the story with any certainty.  Definitely get the DNA test.  It sounds like you have at least an even chance that the baby is not yours.  Be SURE to go to a certified lab with secure handling of the samples, don't use a drugstore test.

[Mack1125]

Thank you for all of your advice. I only have a few months before the baby is born and can do a paternity test to find out if I am the father or not. I just became more concerned when I found out the first date I was given was different and put her a week earlier than I originally thought. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

[AnnieBrooke]

Sorry, I can't judge.  It's hard enough to understand a story involving when conception could be when it comes in first person (i.e., when the woman herself is writing) because a lot of the time that also involves a second person (the doctor) and what he said, and the woman sometimes gets it wrong even when she is trying to get it right.  But you're reporting things second person and third person, and there are simply myriad ways to get the story wrong.  If July 4 is her due date, and IF it was given to her from an early ultrasound (before 9th week), she might, or might not, have conceived by the sex with you.  That's all that really can be said.  

[Mack1125]

Also when she first told me she was pregnant she said the conception date was October 5. I thought she just had the date wrong, but now I'm not so sure.

[Mack1125]

I got the first weeks number from her and she said it was done on the 23rd because the gestational age wasn't listed on the ultrasound pictures she sent. The others since had a gestational age listed which corresponded to a July 4 due date. She said that was her due date. In February I went to the 19 week appointment but I don't remember if they mentioned her actual due date, but the doctor mentioned being willing to induce her on June 25 because she wanted to have the baby before she has to return to school.

[AnnieBrooke]

Have you seen, with your own eyes, a medical report, and if so does it say an estimated due date?  How are you getting these 'weeks' numbers, just from her oral report to you?

[Mack1125]

I have another question that is concerning me. I recently saw all of the sonograms that were done including the first one. It was not November 23 as I was told, it was actually November 18. But she had another one December 11 that said she was 10 weeks 5 days. Am I correct that they're a week different? Is that unusual? They were done at two different places but I'm not sure which one would be correct.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think I would.  If you make a fuss about her having to come to you with the baby in tow, that would increase everyone's difficulty.  You can call the family courts in her jurisdiction, I don't know if that is county or state court.  But they can certainly tell you if you don't know.  The main thing is to be sure the lab is legally certified to do DNA testing for purposes of determining paternity.  You can save money on flaky tests on the Internet, but they don't test very many markers and are not approved for paternity determinations in the courts, so don't bother.  Keep it formal and try to do it in her area of legal jurisdiction.

[Mack1125]

Thank you again for your advice. We currently live in different counties (different states actually) so would I have to check in her county because that's where the baby will be born?

[AnnieBrooke]

If the difference is only 4 days (October 11 according to the conception calculator and October 15 when you had sex) I would tread very, very lightly when you do talk about a DNA test, since the baby could be yours.  But you do have enough information that doesn't add up exactly perfectly to justify a DNA test.  I would not hurl this at her in an accusatory fight or in a bad moment, and I would not let your family badmouth her either.  I'd go get my research done, either by phone or in person, the family court clerk's office should be able to tell you what labs in your area are certified by the courts for determining paternity.  (I am quite sure that the home tests they sell in drugstores are not certified, too much possibility for fraud.)  Once you have the name of the place in hand, set up a date for after the baby is born.  If you are having issues, this discussion should be put off until you can have it in a calm way.

Keep in mind, if you can, that if you take a test and the baby is not yours, you can just walk away.  She cannot.  The baby is hers and she doesn't have the option of just walking away.  (Unless, of course, she is thinking of putting it up for adoption.)  So if you do get frustrated with the situation or angry, just remember, she is the one holding the bag no matter what the test shows, and she is needing to figure out money, support, her future, and what it means to take care of a needy human being 24/7.  Women can get pretty frightened when this hits home, and not want to have to think of the what-ifs.  Try to drum up at least a little compassion when you do talk to her.  This is not a happy thing for her.

[Mack1125]

Yes you had the exact gestational age lol. Thanks again for your advice. I will talk to her about the DNA test. We have been having some issues because she has not always been forthcoming with information about the pregnancy. I hope it all works out because I am willing to take responsibility if it is my child.

[AnnieBrooke]

I got it right at 8 weeks 3 days?  lol

The conception calculator I use says she would have conceived on or around October 11.  By the eighth week of pregnancy, there is a small margin for error when using an ultrasound to try to assess the exact day of conception, the margin for error I've seen being maybe +/- 3 days.  But even computing for the margin for error, the range would be pushing it (just slightly) for conception to have come on the 15th.  On the other hand, odder things have happened in human reproduction.

I think you are well within your rights to ask for a DNA test when the baby is born.  Be affectionate and friendly now, if you can, but do call the family courts in your jurisdiction and get from them a list of approved labs to do DNA testing for purposes of determining paternity.  When you get this list, just have a quiet (and calm!!) talk with your girlfriend.  Explain that you are glad she has been your girlfriend and you like her a lot, but that the dates don't add up perfectly (that thing about the gender is interesting but I have not seen the scientific proof that each and every x-chromosome-carrying sperm will automatically be slow, so don't lean too hard on that).  And that since the dates don't add up perfectly, you think it is your right to get a DNA test when the baby is born, and here is a list of the labs and what one does to get the test.

It will insult her, and if the two of you are still a couple now you might want to postpone the talk until you have to have it, but it is only fair for you to know for 100% sure before you take on all the duties of fatherhood.  

[Mack1125]

Funny you used that example. On November 23 she was 8 weeks 3 days. Thank you for replying. My family was concerned because of the ultrasound date and the baby being a girl. Something like it takes longer for the sperm to get there to make a girl so if it was mine it would be later. We were apart for a couple weeks and they are concerned the baby could be to another guy.

[AnnieBrooke]

Hi, Mack, yes, you could absolutely and definitely be the father.  How early in the pregnancy did your girlfriend have the sonogram?  (In other words, how many weeks from the first day of her last period did they say she was?  That would be marked on the ultrasound report as something like 8 w 3d GA.)