Trapped Inside My Own Head

[Chelonian]

My mom died after a 2 yr battle wt cancer (that I was unaware of) when I was 7. My father was emotionally unavailable. I knew he loved me but he was a strict authoritarian and I was afraid of him. The subject of mom's death was an unspoken taboo as were any subjects dealing with emotions or sex. I grew up in a lot of pain and began blocking that pain out (dissociating?) probably as early as the day my mother died. I developed tremendous fears and anxieties. Mostly social but also feared my own inability to take care of myself, perform and function in the world and worried a lot. I thought I had to hide my pain and fears at all cost and I did. No one knew anything was wrong with me, at school or at home. I started smoking pot at 12, drinking at 14, angel dust (pcp) at 17, heroin at 21, rehab at 24 and continued use of painkillers and alcohol for the next 23 years but more "controlled" due to the fear my heroin addiction experience caused. As a child I used to cry sometimes when I was alone but more and more as the years past I just became dead inside. I worked but found it very painful as I felt incompetent and like I would be found out for the fraud I was. I fumbled my way through life, avoiding many social situations, having few friends, living with men I didn't like much less love and trying to reach out for help but unable to risk opening up to anyone and couldn't explain what was wrong with me because I didn't exactly know and was so used to pretending to be normal that my facade and/or silence was all a therapist would see. I am now 46 and have over 2 yrs clean and sober. Although I have made some progress over the years I am still struggling with these same issues. I only figured out in recent months that I don't have to be ashamed of or hide my fears. They are not an indication that I am weak or a coward. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be looking at inside myself. I feel like there is this reservoir of pain that anytime I tap into, feels overwhelming. When I am afraid, stressed, under pressure or in the presence of authority figures, someone I look up to or a group of people, my mind goes blank. I freeze up. I abandon myself, just as I felt abandoned as a child. I am and have been depressed for most of my adult life. I haven't worked in 6 yrs. I am now seeing a therapist that I feel comfortable with. I still find myself unable to trust enough to talk about how I feel. When I start to feel any emotion toxic shame kicks in and I push the emotion away. I've only been seeing her 2 months but I guess my she quit trying to ask me deeper questions because she saw I wasn't ready to go there. There is nothing I wish I could share with another human being more than the hurt, sadness and fear I have kept to myself all these years. She thinks I have depression and anxiety. I don't know if she sees the social fears because I am not as afraid wt. her. Any suggestions, feedback, input would be greatly appreciated.

[sceptic4life]

in last 9 months i am searching for some answers.you are the first person that has replyed to me.i have been to forums,i have been everywhere and i asked every person for whom i thought is able to give me some answers.pacients,doctors,people who have sick members in their family.actually everyone who can give me insight into head of person suffering from OCD.i am angry,tired.every where i have searched for answers i have just founded a wall.i think that the entire world can be ashamed of its self.i have friends that are talking to me that i am stupid.when i turn my beck i can here them smiling.thing is that they are the patetic ones. have pushed my self to far in every way.i started to read pshiologie before 5 or 6 months ago.
therapy,sideeffects of medications she takes.i informed my self with everything i could put my eyes on.you told me now that i was wright all the time.she just pushed me away with no real reason.she has left me with no answers after we shared a moment together.not sexual but intimate as much if not more.i understand that is realy hard for her to open herself to me.to anybody.not even to her family.she has adapted herself to me it was only fair that i do the same.i see my mistakes.i am sorry for some things that i have done.but the worst problem is that she refuses to belive that my words are true and honest.that is the thing that hurts me tho most.with hers distrust she is automaticaly destroying my faith in myself,my selfconfidence,my ego.she kills my soul ,my essence.makes me forget who i realy am.i doubt my own words.i tried to talk with her for a 30 times and more.it was a failure every time.she would run away,or pms,or something.anything to avoid that kind of conversation.
i just want to spend a half an hour with her and to look in those eyes of hers.then i will know the answers.if i have that much love for someone to realy understand her,and to love her as she is,i knew from the start i cant change her.i changed my self.i am responsoble person.i have a situation in my family that required for me to built my self as a person that way.
i am 28,i have a good job and i know i would not go anywhere with her not knowing where i am.i will keep on insisting on my half an hour.thank you very much again.if you think you should tell me something more than please do.i hope you are ok.
i would like to here some more of you anyway.
THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chelonian]

For most of my life I sabotaged any chance that someone I cared for would be interested in me by putting up a wall of silence but yes, I met someone 1 & 1/12 yrs. ago who loved me just as I am and I struggled with whether to take a risk or push him away. I knew if I pushed him away it would have been to protect myself from getting hurt before I let him too close. I chose to take a risk. We met in A.A. and he began relapsing more and more often on crack after we were together 3 or 4 months. He would dissappear for 2 or 3 days at a time and I didn't know if he was dead or alive. He lost a good job and lost his car for a week to some drug "buddies" who stole the wheels. After a year of relapses I finally said "no more." It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that with my limitations I may never meet someone like him again but I do not regret taking the chance. I have learned a lot. I don't believe that "nobody understands me", just that I am unable to reach out, except in writing.
You are not stupid. If you care for someone who pushed you away because of her own fears that is not your fault.

[sceptic4life]

i am in love with somebody simular as you and i would like to ask you this question:did you, in your life, met a person that
had abillity to understand you,to accept you and to love you as you are?
did you pushed him away becoause he remenided you what your reality realy is,or was, and you traded that for spending life with shallow individuals that were never close to real you but they didnt spoil your dreams,they let you float in them to satisfay needs of their own.
now you are 46 and nobody understands you?
if you ever had that somebody try to call him,maybe he is stupid as i am,and maybe he will find time for you.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

you are on the right course, and finally have someone to talk too..tell her exactly what you just told me, and you will start a deeper and more useful journey..you might even print this and give  it to her..that is the start of an honest dialogue. that is what will be healing.

[girl522]

Maybe if you don't feel comfortable telling your therapist everything that is going on, you could write it out and give it to her.

[Chelonian]

I appreciate your response. I have been struggling with trust my whole life. I've made a little progress but haven't found the courage to open up except anonymously in writing. Thank you again.

[girl522]

I think you need to be completely honest and open with your therapist.  This is her job and she will not judge you, only there to help you.  I assure you once you start getting it out, you will probably feel a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.  Do you have any family or friends you could also begin to confide in? You shouldn't have to go through this alone.  If not I recommend getting a pet.  It has been proven that pets can help with depression and anxiety.  They also say pet owners liver longer lifes due to reduced stress level.  I completely believe it.  I have a persian cat and he is absolutely the best.  Whenever I feel like I've hit rock bottom, as soon as I see him and how excited he is to see me it's like I forget all my worries.  They love you no matter what and will never judge.  It's just an idea.  Good luck!

[MLWTR]

You described your feelings really well in your post. Would you feel comfortable making a copy of that and giving it to your therapist to read? Or maybe, if you are too uncomfortable to be there while she reads it, might you be able to give it to her at the end of the session so that she could read it when you weren't there?

Even if this is too much for you right now, I bet you will become gradually more comfortable if you continue with the therapy. It seems like your therapist is sensitive to the fact that you aren't able to open up with everything at once, and is willing to take things slowly.

Good luck.