Being Strong Enough to Walk Away and Keep Walking

[Sulana]

Why is it that I can't get myself to fully let go/ release my emotional connection with my exboyfriend?  In short, we work together as teachers at a small school.  I knew him a year before we got together.  He was married at the time with a 3 year old son.  His wife ended up leaving him in the summer of 05 because she found that he had cheated on her and had a 3 month affair with the woman.  Then in september of 05, him and i got together.  he made all these endless promises to me and told me he would never cheat on me.  he basically made me believe that it was his wife's fault that he cheated.  stupid me, being taken back by how much of a nice guy he was, fell for his story and really believed that she had mistreated him because he seemed too good for anyone to walk away from.  so for 6 months, him and i had the best relationship ever, being entirely committed to each other and planning a future together.  then in february 06, he had divorce court of valentine's day and because of it forgot to even call and say happy valentines day to me.  then when i called him, he stopped answering my calls and instead went over to a friends house.  so we worked through that.  in march 06, his son came to spend a month with him (after being in ny with his mom for 8 months).  at the same time i met the ex's parents too.  they loved me.  i thought they were nice.  my ex opened up his door and invited me to spend every free minute of my time with him and his son.  at first it was good.  then his son started being disrespectful to me and my ex never disciplined him.  he allowed his son to be disrespectful to me.  at the same time, i got pregnant.  at first, my ex wanted to keep the baby, but we were arguing over parenting styles.  then he decided to cheat on me and told me to have the abortion.  i didn't find out that he was cheating on me until a month after my abortion.  he didn't tell me.  i found out from the girl he was sleeping with (i got a hold of his phone and called her).  i still didn't walk away.  instead we tried to patch it up but we kept on fighting.  now he started calling me names like slut, ho, *****, kunt, *****, skank.  he left me stranded with no money once in hermosa beach.  then i went to mexico for a few days and came back and told him that i had an affair, even though i didn't.  he left me stranded in middle of the night again.  so this drama of anger outbursts and emotional and verbal abuse continued and him seeing other poeple continued until one night we were hanging out at his place and he blew up in anger towards me and called the cops because i wouldn't go down on him.  ever since that incident i have realized that this i need to walk away from this man.  i am strong at times and then i struggle at other times because i see him everyday at work and when things were good between us, they were almost too good to be true.  how could the same man that made me feel so alive hurt me so badly now?  why can't i hate him and just walk away?

[CraftyCrazy]

Having allowed myself to be in one exploitive relationship after another, I can also empathize with your situation.  I agree with what everyone else here said, get away from him, the situation and stay in therapy.  Most of all though, don't look for answers as to why you can't bring yourself to hate him.  It's obvious you're not a hateful person and I've learned that hating will just take up valuable resources in your life.  It's less exhausting and time consuming to just forget than to hate.  Besides, this guy doesn't even deserve THAT much from you.

I know what I'm about to say isn't all that positive but take comfort in knowing that once a cheater, always a cheater and it'll happen again to this new woman and the woman after that and so on.  You may feel obligated to warn this new girl but don't, no one warned you.  She's obviously aware of his behavior by your very phone call.  What she does from there is her own business.  Besides, she'll probably not listen to you anyway and just accuse you of being jealous and trying to wreck the relationship.  I am a big believer in Kharma and as the saying goes, what goes around comes around.  You'd never want to wish anything bad on a person for fear Kharma will kick you back in the butt with it, but he'll get his.  Besides your butt is still bruised from all of this so take time out for yourself to regroup, heal and move forward.  You deserve more than this creep, we all do/did.  

Living well is the best revenge.
Good luck!

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You could benefit with just a few visits with a good therapist...you'll learn a lot and save yourself great agony.

[bluesue2]

My advice to you is to think about another job.  It is probably going to be harder than it needs to be because you will see him every day.  This man is abusive, so even though your relationship with him is technically "over", his ability to abuse you emotionally is not, especially with the two of you in such close proximity.

Good luck and stay strong!

[Canadian Empathizer]

Sulana,
I completely empathize with your situation, however, having said that, I feel very strongly that you could use a job change. Men with violent outbursts like that (and some delusional tendencies- calling the cops because you wouldn't go down on him?) are terrible news, and aside from being emotionally damaging to you (i.e. in the sense of hurting self esteem, exhausting you, and making you depressed and ill etc) he is also dangerous.

I was in a relationship like this several years ago and while you think, 'he'd never be that bad' you just don't know. It was only 24 hours after I uttered those words that the man (who I loved SO much I was obsessed), the man left me for dead. It was only because a neighbour heard me scream that I was taken to emergency and taken care of. He'd beaten me within an inch of my life.

Get out now and cut all contact with him. You are worth so much more. You deserve sheer happiness and love and a man who adores you, honours you, and ADMIRES you for the amazing person you are.

It sounds like you have wonderful friends and support around you. That makes me feel better. But I want to assure you that while it feels like it will never go away, it will. And you will survive this. And you will be SO much stronger as a result. Just let others help you, cry as much as you need to, and quit your job. It'll be the best thing you did. God speed sweetheart.

[imcrazy2]

Holy issues, sulana.  I do think you are in the wrong forum, but that said, get some help! I don't mean that in a nasty way, but you really need some couseling.  Regardless of the circumstances, be grateful that you are not tied to this loser for the rest of your life by having had a child with him.  It is ALWAYS harder to face being alone/ unknown future than being in a "comfort zone", regardless of how unhealthy that zone may be.  LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE.  Find someone (a professional) to help you through it, not to mention help you understand the choices you have made in continuing to hang on long after you should have left him alone.  You may need to really examine some self esteem issues.  Good luck, stay strong, and STAY AWAY FROM HIM

[Sulana]

thanks.  i am in therapy and it is helping.  i've also decided to share my story with a few of my friends and they are all helping me realize my self worth.  i know i deserve better but sometimes lose sight of that when he keeps on telling me that he's a great guy and is going to treat this new girl he's dating way better than he treated me.  i need to remember that i have more to offer to somoene than he ever will and i need to heal myself first before i can fully move on.  i'm looking into self-help books and articles on-line as well to get myself and my life back in balance again.