Insanity, Violence, Desparation

[Ken Ashworth]

I have been diagnosed for years with Bi Polar. I have never been able to take meds properly, for one reason or another. Lithium, depakote, Tegretol- all make me have rashes and other side effects. I am also recently confirmed to be Narcoleptic, by a blood test.  I take Dexedrine for narcolepsy, but no other meds at the moment I am happily married and have a stable work history as well.

Recently, my wife of 10 years had me arrested for domestic violence and assault. I was upset over some things she did, and my fears of abandonment kicked in. I threw a drinking glass at the sink near her, and shards of glass showered her. My screaming and threatening behavior motivated her to leave as quickly as possible. She attempted to remove our three small children, but I was afraid if she left, I would never see her again. I refused to let her take our five year old.

I have never been violent in our marriage. I do not abuse substances, and am fairly predicatable. This whole incident unsettled her so much, she called the Police in fear for her son. I do have (selling it today) an automatic type assault weapon, and she was afraid I would do something very stupid. Four car loads of officers surounded my house and were prepared for a hostage situtaion. At the time, my son was safe and not in the home. I did not want him to see anymore. I was in total shcok at the "artillery" with which they came to my home. needless to say, I was as docile and compliant as any person could be. I was totally out of touch with any of this, and could not understand why I was going to jail.  

All charges have now been dropped or exonerated, and our lives once again seem "normal". My wife now tells me she will not stay with me unless i remain on some sort of medication. I fear I have breeched a security within my family, and they now are afraid of me. I need help. I have tried to take meds, really tried.

I have to be medicated for Narcolepsy, but am concerend that someone like me is being given amphetamines and nothing else.
I am truly a non violent person, and I could not believe all of this had ahppened "just because I got upset". I am so out of touch with reality over this, I am no longer able to be objective. I merely complied with whatever was asked, and I stayed in jail 48 hours with no complaints, no resentments.

I cannot tell you even now, that I am sure I have Bi Polar. How insidious this disease is! How debilitating. How sad for my family. I hope and pray there are other medications that I could take besides the standard "big three". I have tried many times to remain on the right meds. I simply cannot take those three medications. Are there other drugs? I am so furstrated with the psychological community, the pharmocological community, I dont even want to try anymore. I have been seeing the same Doctors for three years, and not once have I ever missed an apponitment until I stopped going all together three months ago. I have made an appointment with a new PDoc, and I am praying he will be able to help me.

I have tried to manage myself mostly with will-power and abstinance of drugs, etc. I am at the end of my rope. I am ready to totally give it all up. I am so sorry and humiliated that my own children are afraid of me, that my wife of 10 years had to be placed in the situtation of choosing between her husband and her son.

Anything, informtaion, encouragement, suggestions- anything anyone could offer me at the moment would be greatly appreciated.

Ken

[HFHS M.D.-SW]

Dear Ken,

You have gone through alot.  Fortunately your situation appears to be improving. It is important not to give up.

I am obviously unable to determine if you have Bipolar Disorder, but you may have mild type. Dexedrine is a psychostimulant and may therefore cause symptoms similar to bipolar disorder

It is unfortunate you develop a rash with Lithium, Depakote and Tegretol.  There are other medications which may be tried such as Neurontin and Topamax.

I am glad you have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Hopefully they will help you, if not, consider a second opinion.

Best Wishes to you and your family.


HFHS M.D.-SW

[Susan]

I have not been where you are now, but I have battled severe depression for years and am bipolar.  I've had to try many, many medications.  Finally I am on medication that is working for me.

I mainly wanted to comment on the comment from "been there, done that."  There is no doubt about Jesus helping you and salvation through Jesus Christ, and I, too, am a Christian.

BUT...I was hurt many times by some well-meaning Christians who thought only faith in God was all of the story.  I believe God can heal, but He doesn't always.  It doesn't mean you don't have faith.  Bipolar is an illness that is not your fault and often there is still a need for doctors and medication.  That may be the way God will help you.

I do know that God can heal your anger and change your life, if you turn your life over to Him.  But you may still need meds and your doctors, too.  Please go back and work with them.

Best wishes to you.

[been there done that!]

I Hear your cry!!!!!!!!!I too have had some horrific experiencs too and it wasnt until i realized that no matter haow many doctors or drugs i have sought out that i needed to go to the source of all these avenues.That avenue is Jesus Christ ,Yes  God can use the doctors, but if you are not getting your answers through them,then you need to get your answer from him!
Prayer works and Jesus says in Mark11:23
for assuredly, I say to you,whoever says to this mountain(which is your illness)Be removed and be cast into the sea,and does not doublt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.You must pray in the name of Jesus and be ready to expect a miracle!!!!!!  If you dont know Jesus then ask him to live in your heart (read John Chapter 3)in the bible! He also says in Romans Chap.10:8 If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart  that God raised Him from the dead,You will be saved. When you "say" that prayer what happens is all your sin that you have ever done will be wiped clean! afresh clean start(Colossians2:14).And he will help you get well!1 You just need to ask(speak out loud) and he will answer you!!Get inolved in a spirit led church one that operates in the gift of healing ( full gospel are spirit led)non denominational. Ask Jesus what church and i guarentee he will answer you! He has for me I ve been where you are and know Jesus WILL heal you, you just need to be where he is ! You are in my prayers and if you have any questions please write back God Bless! Been there done that!

[been there done that]

by no means am i saying to get off the med .all im saying is with the guidance of Jesus and the people he puts in your life you will be well.being around a healing church and a support group all is neccesary.forgive me if you misunderstood!

[stephanie]

Dear Ken,

It must have been a very frightening and confusing experience for you to feel out of control and out of touch like that.  I wonder how you have managed to cope with all the feelings you've been having around the event.  What has got you through it this far?  Perhaps your love for your family, dedication to your children, belief in a higher power?  Think a moment on what has brought you through your struggles for 10 years--what is your motivator to keep trying, because you have obviously tried diligently to find peace of mind!  Focus on that motivator.  Write it down, pin up a picture of it, anything to remind you of it.  It has brought you this far and will continue to be a strength to you.  Do not give up on your quest for peace...it is out there in many forms, but life is a constant searching process.  Keep looking!  And be patient with the psych/pharm. communitites.  They too are frustrated that there is not more information available, but discoveries are made only so fast...Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.  Keep working with them; perhaps together you will discover a trick that will help you, and thousands of others.  --Stephanie