Desparate and in need

[Julie359]

I have suffered from panic attacks, agraophobia and GAD for the last 16 years, i have been on Paroxatine for the last 12, recently i came off the drug and after 3 months i have started to suffer severe panic and anxiety again.  I tried to go back onto Paroxatine but had a bad reaction, panic became unbareable, i was literally climbing the walls.  I have now tried to take Citalopram but this causes me to have bad panic attacks in my sleep and when i'm resting i feel like a human electric pylon, i'm trembling inside from tip to toe.
  I'm not sure of how much longer i can go on like this, i haven't been out in over a week now cause the anxiety is so bad and i'm just so exausted.  I feel so weak from all the panicking and am forcing myself to eat due to trying to get the energy into me to feed this panic. I'm trying meditation and a few other relaxation techniques but i'm not having much luck.  Please help me!!  Do you know of a drug, either western, chinese or other which will give me the ceasation of these panic attacks and anxiety but won't cause the panic and anxiety to get worse?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I suggest that in addition to therapy you asked your doctor Klonopin or Xanax. Both those medications will give you immediate relief and set the stage for a more effective therapy.

[Jaquta]

There's no need to apologize.  It can be easy to overlook posts on these sites plus we also have our own lives which can limit accessibility.

I have started to let my guard down a little which allows people perhaps a little closer than I would like which then terrifies me causing me to feel threatened, stressed and vulnerable.  I then revert to using maladaptive or primitive coping mechanisms.

I have been hurt too.  My last T had doubts I would ever trust again.  I guess from that perspective I am doing OK, not great, but OK.
Being hurt can be extremely damaging.  And can take considerable time to recover from.

I'm perhaps not as skilled as you because I like talking with people but then I lose that sense of control when the dynamics of the relationship change.  It's confusing and embarrassing for me because I don't like pushing people away or hurting them.
No, you don't have to worry about people turning up but I find it can affect your integrity and also your ability to communicate here.  It can make it feel unsafe or threatening.

I was talking to another member about trust and used driving as an example.  The next day someone was on my side of the road and just about crashed into me at speed.  Trust can be a difficult topic.

So you intend to do harm?  Sorry, it was just the way I read it.  (No intent not to harm).  I know what you meant.

It's going and some days that is what makes it good.

I hope your appointment with your doctor went well.

J

[Julie359]

First i would like to say sorry for taking so long in the reply, didn't know you had replied back.  2nd, thank-you for your honesty, you know i can relate to what you have said fairly easy, i understand.  I feel the same in alot of ways, i find it extremely hard to let anyone close to me.... when i feel someone is getting too close i run for the hills, but it's rare that they get that close anyway.  For me it's for safety, i have been hurt way too many times in the past by people whom i'm truely trusted and they have hurt me so bad it's destroyed my soul.

Again i agree, on here gives me an element of control because i can have as much or as little interaction as i want without the feeling of being threatened.  At the end of the day they are on the other end of a computer and i don't have to worry about them turning up at my door.

Relationships scare the **** out of me as well, but it all comes down to trust dosen't it and if you've had your trust smashed to bit over and over then who can blame you for being so cautious.

Well if at any time you do fancy having a non-close chat i am here, just send it to my inbox and i will reply.  If it helps any i'm a christian who firmly believes in God so i have no intent to do no harm.  Plus having the trust kicked out of me i know exactly what it feels like.... hope your day is going well, take care Julie

[Jaquta]

I have a confession to make.  Relationships scare me a lot.  I feel extremely threatened by them.
I find it relatively easy answering questions but find it difficult engaging with people.  Dr Gould just recently highlighted how I tend to push people away (making them feel powerless) which then gives me a sense of control (possibly because I'm controlling who I let in and how far I let them in.  I let few people in very close (probably my GP, a phone counselor I speak to occasionally from LifeLink YouthLine, my previous T and Dr Gould (I think I've let him in -not sure)).

I think I have this subconscious exclusive relationship thing going.  I also think status is important.  I would let an expert in vs a member).  Not sure why.  They have more power or authority (hence they can miraculously make me better or if I can control them then I feel more confident about myself??  Just a theory.  Not really sure.)  Maybe because I see them as symbolic or having qualities, traits, etc that I value or wish I had or could have.

I don't know.  In a moment of madness I thought I'd throw this out there.  I feel comfortable providing advice, support, encouragement or hope, (whatever) to others but won't accept that myself.  I don't think it is because I feel above everybody else.  Perhaps I don't like to admit I need help?  Perhaps not true because I've asked Dr Gould for help a lot.  For some reason warm fuzzy stuff just doesn't sit well with me.
Why?  Somehow it makes me feel vulnerable.  I'm used to being disciplined and being told I'm useless, stupid, dumb, fat, ugly, etc.  I would find it more acceptable to be physically, emotionally and verbally thrashed than to be supported or be in a relationship with another person (even one from here).

I don't know why I'm so afraid to let people close.  I don't know if being hurt in the past warrants that reaction.

Now I feel terrible for sharing that.

If anyone would like to offer an opinion, feel free.

Maybe if a parent weren't available in infancy it would make me ...??

J

[Jaquta]

I came to medhelp originally to get some info about breast symptoms (I had blood discharging from one nipple) then asked the doc here a question relating to where I was at the time.  I had no support and I felt health professionals kept putting up barriers.
I've kept coming for the support, the company and the great advice I've received and keep receiving.  MedHelp is a way for me to distract from some of my own issues.  It is one of my more effective (although still maladaptive to a degree) coping mechanisms.  I also feel that people get me here.  I don't get that at home, etc.

I was diagnosed with severe depression (sectioned for that and threatened with ect).  Then more recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (I really hate writing that out and seeing it written).  I think the main aspect to my presentation is anxiety.  Clinicians always indicate my anxiety levels are extremely high.

I have difficulties with relating to people and get extremely stressed when I feel people are getting too close.
Talking here means I can engage to a degree but not get too involved and so to a degree stay safe.

I talk to people here because I feel I can relate to a degree and I don't like people feeling they have no support or hope.  Sometimes I feel people deserve more than the clinical response medical professionals often give.  That can still leave us feeling alienated, although sometimes it is enough.  There are lots of reasons and things wrong with my life.

I like this doctors philosophy and approach, and it helps, so I stay.

Is that enough?  Don't feel you have to make time for me, I get heaps in return already for trying to answer posts to the best of my ability.

J

[Julie359]

Hey... no, it took several months to ween myself off the Paroxatine, but for years i was on 20mg, standard dose i've been told and it worked extremely well.  I lowered to finally 5mg every other day and after suffering alot of head shocks, eventually stopped.  I then, with the advice from my doc, went back on 5mg per day for the first week and was then gona build up to 10mg then 20mg, but before i had a chance i had the bad reaction and i was only on it for 5 days.

Both with Paroxatine and Citalopram, i have found that after or around day 2/3 of taking it my anxiety starts to get worse and each day that i take it, it builds like a volcano and by day 5 or 6 i feel like i'm gona explode and i'm literally climbing the walls.  

Not sure why this is happening as i tolarated it before for so many years and it let me live a 80% normal life.  My doc reckons that this can and does happen in alot of people, the symtoms get worse before they get better, it's where the drug is building up in the system, but i can't do it, it's just too much for me.  I feel like i'm going mad, the constant high alert, not being able to function, lay and relax, cause each time i try it's like i'm prodded by a red hot poker and i jump up out of my skin gasping for air.  

The mornings seem to be the worst for me at the moment, i wake early 5am or so, with such a sick feeling in my stomach, filled from head to toe with anxiety, sometimes i'm gagging even before i've got out of bed.  I feel weak and thirsty and my heart is racing.  I then am battling to get something into my stomach to try and settle it.... and to give me some energy.  I'm a mess!!!

As for the reason to me being like this, soooo much as happened to me from such a young age, which left me a very nervous and withdrawn child, in my teens i became a rebel, but to be honest i didn't have anyone to stop me doing what i wanted cause no one cared, which i ended up in some dangerous situations and came out of these situations by the skin of my teeth and well... when i was 19 i ended up having a nervous breakdown and i admitted myself into hospital and it's been from 19 really that i suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks and ever since i just can't handle stress.  it affects me badly.

So anyway i'm gona shut up now...lol but i'd like to ask you something, why are you on here?  do you suffer from anxiety as well? tell me a bit about you please, your making time for me i'd like to make some time for you xx

Take care Julie

[Jaquta]

September when you're struggling feels like an eternity away.  At least the doctor's appointment is sooner.
Sleep deprivation does make us more vulnerable.  I'm glad you had a good night's sleep.
Breathing exercises are always a great way to try and manage anxiety/ panic.

Have you tried doing some exercise?  That may help you to relax a little too.  You will know your own limitations so perhaps doing something within those.

There are lots of other things you could do to try and relax too.  (Hot bath/ shower, reading, writing, watching TV/ a DVD, gardening, baking, talking to friends, talking/ reading here.  The list is endless.)

I sometimes compare my situation to others too.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  I think other people's stories can inspire us but I don't think we should be comparing our degree of distress or suffering (or even functionality) with theirs.  I think it's OK to acknowledge that we feel bad (or pretty damn awful actually) and to give it meaning somehow.  For me, I think illness gives me an opportunity to work on those things that aren't working in my life.  (Anxiety provides a lot of clues).  I think adversity makes us stronger, and at times, more compassionate and understanding of others.  It has pros as well as cons -we just need to look hard enough.

I hope you're able to resolve your anxiety and panic, etc.  I was just wondering whether the reason you struggled to go back on the Paroxatine was because you tried starting with the dose you ended with??

Take care and good luck.
J

[Julie359]

Thank you for your comment, i am going  to be offered an appointment to see a cognitive b therapist in September, but as you can imagine this can't come soon enough.  I have stopped the Citalopram and had a brilliant nights sleep last night, feel better just for that.  I am seeing my doctor on Friday, but as for now i'm trying postive thinking and alot of it!!! breathing exercises and herbal relaxants.  
I still feel very bad but after reading about the situations people are in on here, it seems to make me feel fairly lucky i only suffer from panic disorder and not something like manic depression or schizophrenia, which selfishly has made me feel alot better.

[Jaquta]

I would strongly recommend psychotherapy to address the underlying issues (which may help resolve the anxiety and panic).

I was interested in your comment about eating to get energy to feed the panic.  How about eating to fight the panic?  Just a different way of looking at it.  It was just a thought.

There are other medications doctors can use to treat anxiety, etc besides SSRI's.

I would strongly encourage you to contact your own doctor and discuss your situation with them.  You should do this sooner rather than later.  You don't need to be feeling this way or be doing it alone.

I hope I haven't in any way invalidated your distress or desperation.  I understand what it can feel like.  There is help available though.  Just reach out and ask for.

J