I WANT to be ill

My diagnosis is depression right now. I have been quite ok the past months. The problem with me is that i Want to be ill. Why is it this way? I have tried to kill my self a couple of times and I also selfharm. Or I used to anyway, I have not cut my self in a few months now. I think people around me thinks that  I am well right now, and maybe they are righ. I have some moodswings. I can be happy, but it does not feel like I am happy for real. I have trouble sleeping at night. I go and talk to a woman once a week, but I hardly go and see her because I cant trust her. I eat antidepressive medication. I am 21 years old. What can I do with myself? Sometimes i want to be diagnosed as a Borderliner or something like that.
Thank you for reading.
Sorry for bad english, but I am from Sweden.

[HFHS MD - RG]

From the brief description you had posted, you may be suffering a type of personality disorder called Borderline Personality
Disorder. It is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood. Persons may feel real or imagined abandonment, have unstable interpersonal relationships,suffer from poor self-image, feel chronically empty and be inappropriately angry and impulsive. Regarding its natural history, the disorder is fairly stable in that patients with borderline personality may change little over time. Longitudinal studies do not show a progression toward Schizophrenia, but patients do have a high incidence of depressive disorders.The good news is that treatment can help patients change their behaviour and help with the mood swings.

Fortunately, a combination treatment of medications and
psychotherapy would bring you some relief. Seek a mental health professional for an evaluation.

[jen]

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ANY FURTHER ATTEMPTS AT SELF-HARM. LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD OR FAIR. YOU'RE YOUNG AND SHOULD HAVE A LOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO. TRY TO SEE THE POSITIVES AND NOT THE NEGATIVES. IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE WOMAN YOU'RE SEEING WEEKLY, CHANGE. I HOPE YOU THE BEST.

MARC

[dave]

got to agree with marc, there are more problems than depression.  I suspect if the medication is not helping, either you are not getting the right type, or maybe you have been misdiagnosed.
It took me years, and many trials with about 6 different medications until I found one that worked.  Currently I'm taking Serzone (nefadozone Hcl I think, in case its not called that in Sweden).  Any way, the point is that sometimes it takes time to get the right medicine to help you.   Also some doctors/therpists aren't always right in their diagnosis.  Try another doctor, or even a psychiatrist if you haven't already tried this.
There's no shame in having a mental disorder, usually, as it is in my case, it's a biological problem beyond your control.  Either way get the advice from a professional that you need, and keep trying new people if one is not making you feel better.
Try to keep life simple, and don't worry about the little stuff.  I recommnd checking this webpage frequently, it has helped me feel better.  Others out there share your problems too, and sometimes others advice or sharing of experiences is a good supplement to therapy with a doctor.
Try to stay well.

[jen]

Thank you for answering my note.
I have tried about 15 psychaiatrists but it feels like I cant trust them. Or I feel untrusted by them. I know Its not a shame to be mentally ill, but it hurts and I am tired of it. My medication right now is Zoloft, and they are quite good, I am not allways down. I have allso tried Remeron but that didn't work.
The thing that enoys me is that one second i feel allright and the other I don't.
Thank you again for reading.

[dave]

I also had that problem, my solution was to take Lithium with my antidepressants.  It worked well, and stabilized the manic edpisodes I was having.  Ask your doctor about Lithium (also known as Lithium Carbonate, just a simple salt).