question

[irisflower76]

Hello sir.  I am a 34 yr old female, married w/ no kids.  I have been diagnosed with borderline and/or bipolar  in the past (which btw, I'm totally not...think i was misdiagnosed imo).  I have been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts & cutting issues in the past couple of years.  I'm not seeing a doctor or therapist now cuz I don't trust them whatsoever because they are so quick to involuntarily hosptialize people in the state of Florida.  Anyway, I have been doing really awesome for a year now.  I am no longer depressed & there is no stress in my life thanks to my spirituality (I'm considered "New Age").  I haven't cut in a year until now.  I cut because I am not depressed, but because I am so spiritual and it helps me stay grounded.  I am operating on a higher vibration than most people so cutting "grounds" me & allows me to be and experience human.  I am more connected with the "other side" and parallel universes (sometimes I see things/people that arent there...these are called "bleed throughs") as I am also a young soul which makes me disconnected with this world, this incarnation, this universe.  I'm having thoughts of suicide because I am just ready to go "home".  I'm kinda like just done here. My husband is leaving town next week, and I want to hurt myself bad...not kill myself so much but I have this urge to match the cut that I made on my other arm a couple of years ago.  A couple of people (on this site) have suggested I ask you about this.  So, what is your opinion or what do you recommend?  Like I said, I am very happy now (not manic), not stressed, nor depressed.  Thank you for your time sir & sorry for troubling you about this.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You may not want to get help but you have to get help. I am delighted that your spiritual journey has helped you up until now, but something has happened to you that you do not understand, and cutting yourself only makes it more likely that you will go to the hospital which you may be able to avoid by good psychiatric care right now.......RIGHT NOW  it doesn't matter that you don't want too, you must........

[Jaquta]

I don't think inneedofhelp had problems with anything that you had written, just me and irisflower.  I think she cut me some slack because she knows a little of my situation.  Mainly I think it was my comments about an unsupportive system and the 'r' word.
I think she's crashed a bit and I didn't expect my thoughts and feelings to be interpreted as meaning that there was no hope for anybody ever.  That wasn't what I meant.

I expect she (irisflower) would have read some of the posts.  Her situation had changed again so I'm not sure how important it is for her to come back here.
Leaving was a shame because this site has some good info and resources.

I was feeling a bit confused as to what she thought.  I think she knew.  I think she may have found it difficult to ask questions due to her history.  I think more than anything she was feeling alone and afraid.

Oh dear.  I guess that wasn't meant to be.  Maybe a counsellor of some sort.  Maybe the biblical stuff gives you what you need and is the path you were meant to take.  ??
That's pretty sensitive.  Sometimes you have to hurt just to help.  I mean an example which is often used is that of a burning building.  It's not helpful to go and sit with the person and comfort them it is usually best to guide them to safety.  Hurting them to help them.

Thanks.  I'm sure our paths will cross again.

That reminded me of something I heard recently.  It is better to write for yourself and know your self than to write for the public and not know your self.

I think sometimes we know ourselves best when we talk with others.

[zack32]

I guess it was partially my fault. I was trying to reach out to irisflower. I should have put that in the to box but had not realized that there was another commenter there, inneedofhelp.I know irisflower said she wasn't going to be on here anymore, but I just thought in the off chance she did, I wanted to reach out to her. She seemed to be in denial. I know she isn't my responsibility, but I have always been the take care off others type. I should have been a nurse, but can't stand the sight of blood. Hehehe!.I care for people so much that I can't even stand it when they get a cut and need a bandaid. My husband always has to take care of the kid's cuts and scrapes.
Thank-you for your kind words and I hope you the best as well. You seem to be a very knowledgeable person and are able to help many. Keep up the good work.

[Jaquta]

We aren't your responsibility though.  We need to take responsibility for ourselves.  I read some of that in a clinical text book.  At the time I thought it was quite harsh, that there was someone in need reaching out for help and they were told that they had to manage everything themself and that the therapist wasn't responsible for any consequence.
I guess it's right though.  Within reason.

I know what you mean.  I know that inneedofhelp was feeling really low and was stressed and I thought that might have been the breaking point for her.  I was very worried especially based on previous events.  I think she's in respite now though and undergoing a week of intensive therapy.
I was concerned but then I felt that she also needed to take care of herself.  I know how desperately hard that can be at times, especially when the struggle seems constant and feels overwhelming.  But it's something she needs to do for herself.  Something we all need to do for ourselves.

I felt guilty because one of the guys at school shot himself.  He was in our house but my brothers dorm.
I guess what hurt me the most was when people came to class and said that he had told them he was going to do it.  I felt responsible because I felt that if I hadn't of been such a loner or had of been able to interact more I could have made a difference.
I doubt I would have but I still felt like it was my fault.  Crazy really.

We all say things Zack that others may misinterpret, etc.  It probably wasn't even anything you said.  I personally don't understand my reaction to you.  I'm owning this as my issue, not yours.  Certainly nothing you have said warrants this reaction.
You're polite, you're sensitive, you're grounded.  I'm not even sure why I feel like I am attacking you when more than anything I feel we share common goals and concerns.  I'm not sure why things feel divided to me when I feel they should feel whole.  Maybe you just remind me of people in my own life and that triggers off all those old wounds.

I was listening to my mindfulness meditation cd the other day, or partially listening.
Jon Kabat-Zinn said that we need to give our full attention to it but for some that may only be 80 or 90%.  We just have to invest whatever we are able to at the time to improve our health and well-being.

Maybe a prayer for our health and happiness would be nice.

Take care Zack.
Best wishes J

[zack32]

I guess I just feel that if something where to happen to any of you, I would feel blood guilty. Like I had some kind of power to try to help you to see the brighter side of things and I didn't do anything about it. I reach out because I care and I am TRULY AND HONESTLY SORRY that I have offended any of you. It was not what I set out to do. I wish all of you the best and a happy future. I guess all we can do is just survive sometimes. That in it self is a big accomplishment when you feel you don't want to go on anymore.
I'm a teacher of the Bible so if any of you need spiritual understanding, I will be more than happy to help, for free.

[Jaquta]

I thought the disaster was over.  I shouldn't add to it but I don't like dissension.

Zack.  irisflower isn't going to kill herself.  Although I shouldn't say that or it may push her in that direction.  What she has been asking for more than anything is for support and for understanding.  Many people need to feel heard before they will allow themselves to be helped.  Is 'borderline' really some foreign language that nobody understands?

What I came to learn was that suicidal thoughts, gestures, attempts, etc aren't always about ending life.  More than anything they are cries for help.  Often it is a way to communicate extreme distress.

The nothing already feels like that nothing.  Maybe even that nothing is more than this nothing.

People know that your words were and are of support and encouragement and hope.  When people are unwell they can be more sensitive to comments and lash out.
Despite knowing that you care and come with good intentions, I too, have struggled with my own reactions to some of your comments.  I am unsure why, after reading some of your comments, I feel as though I have been rubbed up the wrong way.  It's interesting and it gives me material to work with.  What I learn can tell me a lot about myself and perhaps positively affect how I choose to relate to people in the future.
I'm not attacking you.  I like that you are who you are.  Kind, caring, compassionate, ...

Is praying any different to hoping because many of us wish that things were different.
I often felt that praying was about asking questions and so once asked the mind went about ways to problem-solve the situation.

inneedofhelp.  Many know what it feels like to be abused, betrayed and violated.  You have every right to feel angry that that happened to you.  And not just that, other events too.  The police should also have been more supportive.

Everybody has a right to their own thoughts and feelings.  People can read whatever they choose too but then they need to accept the consequences.
I'm not sure writing and reading about it was such a bad thing if it gets you to talk about it.  You definitely need to follow this up with your T though.
I'm sorry you are feeling this bad.  It can't be helpful feeling this bad going into a week of intensive therapy and feeling somewhat disconnected from your T and feeling triggered or attacked by me or others.

What are you talking about?  You are going to therapy, right?  What about your kids, you know they need you.  You should ring somebody today and let them know how bad and stressed you feel.

[inneedofhelp82]

Hey do you know what its like to be raped, really raped repeatedly, i do and if the word triggers me thats my right to have that you don't have the right to say i can't read what i want, anyway keep the forum, i won't need it soon as soon as therapy starts i don't plan on being anywhere not in this life anyway.

[zack32]

Listen! I was totally NOT trying to offend anyone especially you irisflower. I truly am a concerned citizen for you and anyone who wishes to end their life. I was simply trying to reach out to you. Life is the most precious thing that we poses. If you feel like nothing now, you really will be nothing if you kill yourself. So maybe try thinking of it in that light. Is there someway you can make a difference. EX: Are you creative? Can you teach yourself a craft such as crocheting or knitting and make blankets for babies or homeless people, cancer patients? Look at them and know that life could be so much worse than what you have. I don't know I'm just throwing some ideas out. The person who receives the gift will be so happy that it will rub off on you and help you greatly with depression. " There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving".
Another something you can go after: Get to know your creator, the truth about him. " Draw close to God and he will draw close to you" " and he will open his hand and satisfy your every desire" Get to know that he is a "God of love" and would never ever want to see you murder yourself.
I know you said you where not going to comment anymore but I do hope you read this.

BTW you said you are where Borderline BPD. My husband is borderline Schizo. The Dr. even thought he might not be schizo.and took him off his meds. Within 6 weeks he was back in the hospital with another episode. He too wanted to kill himself when he was in that state of mind. Thankfully the because he said that, the ambulance drivers had to take him to the hospital, by law. It was the worst being in that hospital,  lumped together with all the other patient's, locked up like a prison, he couldn't see be but for 2 hours a day sitting the hallway. We couldn't even hold hands. He was not aloud to see the kids, which would have made him get better faster, because he loves them more than anything. So when you say the system is broken down and doesn't work good, I completely understand. My husband is now almost a year from that experience and is on a very low dose of medication. For which we can both be very thankful. Now I'm not telling you that you have to take medication. What I'm saying is that our knowledge of the one and only true God and his promise for the very near future that all sickness and death will be done away with here on Earth, has helped us through this very emotional and upsetting ordeal. You too can have this same hope and purpose without looking very hard. If you would like to know where to find this hope, just let me know and I will be more than happy to give you spiritual advice.
BUT PLEASE WHATEVER YOU DO JUST P.U.S.H.
Pray Until Something Happens.
DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE< EMBRACE IT!!!!!!

[Jaquta]

You don't have to go and you don't have to censor what you say (as long as it is not obscene, etc, etc).  You should see some of the things I have posted (or maybe you shouldn't -some things have been pretty bad).
I think it's unavoidable that at times people do get triggered or have a reaction to others comments.  I know I sometimes struggle or feel uncomfortable with what people write.  That doesn't mean that they should stop posting about them though.
I will sometimes even disagree with comments the doctor makes.  While I can try and understand his perspective, a little difficult in this medium where he responds once, I still have the right to my thoughts, feelings and opinions.  Because we have differences of opinion, etc that does not mean that we should not talk about them or the subject.

Many people who use these forums have personal experience of mental illness, etc and while that can make us resilient it can also leave us feeling vulnerable.

I can empathize with people who struggle with some issues (for me those are labels and hospital and support and a whole host of other things) bu that shouldn't preclude others from discussing them and understanding them and trying to get closure on them.

I'm one of those people who despite warnings in subject headings, etc just have to read the content.  It can be pretty bad and you would think that I would learn, but no.
I guess that's a bit like when driving past an accident.  How many people don't look?

I was wondering if it was my fault that there had been problems here.  I have been accused of taking all my toys and playing in someone elses sandpit before.  Probably partly because I wasn't free to express my thoughts and feelings.  That was a bit like Zack's comment about medication I think.  Like you have to do what someone wants you to do despite having thoughts and feelings of your own and being told to quash those.  Which can be pretty frustrating and hurtful when you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want.
I suggested people post here if they had questions.  I feel that I've done something although I only ever wanted people to get the best advice and to be pointed in the most appropriate direction.

Maybe the problem is that I tried to support people when I could barely support myself.  Did I need others around me to make me feel more well?

I feel stressed.  I feel I have let others down when they have needed support the most.  We all know that that should come from health professionals but ...  

[irisflower76]

i wish everyone the best of luck.  i will no longer use this website...i dont feel that i should have to censor what i say & i dont care if it offends or triggers other people, cuz this is a free country & i can say what i want.  you dont like the content,then stop reading.   im tired of other people's comments on here (excluding Jaquta--you have been helpful).  i mean it this time...peace out...and i wish you happiness Jaquta.

[Jaquta]

It's a promising start being able to talk to someone, and feel safe, from a hotline.  Well done!!
I bet that felt very validating and worthwhile.  It's nice to have someone who will listen to you and who can relate.

I'm still not sure people really understand and think that we are just victims of our own making.  Which is crazy, because we know part of that is true.

I'm glad that you've had a productive day and have been included in plans for this evening.  It sounds like it should be good.

Trust that you can and ring the hotline again if you need to.  Remember these are only short-term solutions though and that you need to look for better solutions long-term.
Would you and your husband consider relocating in order for you to access care?

I think it has been a better day for most people.  I used that word and I'm sorry if it was triggering.  I feel it was useful to describe the intensity of how I feel and what people expect of us when saying, ... just get help from these people.  No one understands or can comprehend that.  I find it a useful comparison.

[inneedofhelp82]

Can i say, that this is really getting out of control, you say you don't need help but because someone else has an opinion you want to cut yourself. Also can i say the word rape is not a word to be used lightly, that word can be a pretty big trigger in itself, for me anyway and i am sure many other people.
If you are doing as well as you say why do you need to cut? There are others who don't function at all.

[irisflower76]

Ok, ok...wasn't feeling good...so i called the suicide hotline today...talked to the counselor about how i was feeling & things we are discussing here...and guess what??  HE TOTALLY AGREES THAT THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM IS COMPLETELY FLAWED (IN FLORIDA)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  in fact, he told me he was going to move to another state for his career because, he too, can't stand the poor quality of care here...he is going to move back to his home state where he knows the system does work there.  he too, is fed up & feels sorry for people who have tried to reach out in Florida.  he urged me to stay away from the system as well...to seek a spiritual counselor or even move to another state cuz these people in the mhs cant help me.  WOW!!!  in fact, he told me i wasnt the only caller who complained about the mental health system.  that's gotta tell ya something here kids.

Like Jaquta mentioned, why reach out for help to the mental health system (daddy) when they continue to abuse you?  Zack, dont blame me for being noncompliant by not taking meds just cuz it worked for your loved ones dont mean it is gonna work for us...they have schizophrenia & ADHD where, yes, meds indeed are necessary & work for those illnesses; however, i am borderline (supposedly), which is extremely difficult to treat cuz most BPDs dont respond to medication.  Look up BPD Zack...you will find that most therapists run away from people like me...we are considered the ba$tard red headed stepchildren according to the system...the disorder is so complex...borderlines are the ones most raped by the system...just google it & read the horror stories...though i feel Jaquta & me have expressed enough horror stories here just in this forum.

Zack32, hon, i appreciate your caring.  sorry i overreacted.  but your comments are exactly what staff members, therapists, and pdocs throw at borderlines when we are having our moments.  just know that i am coping better RIGHT NOW...Well, i went to work today.  then went shopping.  now im listening to music (old school NWA)...my neighbor friend called & asked me out to dinner &  the movies with his family.  i just hope afterwards i can stay safe.  hubby coming home tomorrow night.  i just hope i can stay safe.

[Jaquta]

irisflower76.  STOP!!  I don't think any of this is helpful.

I too felt invalidated by Zack32's comments.

To me it sounds like something my mother would say.  Everyone has or everyone feels.  This isn't about everyone it is about you or me or whoever.  To try and normalize something that feels anything but normal can feel invalidating.  Also, if everyone feels that way what is it about me that hurts so much and can't change.  The comment goes nowhere near touching on the difficulties that someone like you or me faces.

We aren't expecting doctors to be perfect.  We know that people are fallible.

I don't think Zack has a good grasp on the dynamics of what is going on.  On a superficial level it sounds pretty basic, you're unwell so you should, or need to, access support.
On a deeper level it feels like someone is blaming you or re-victimizing you.
I have this saying that has gotten quite old but it is a bit like talking about abuse with an abuser.  Would people really endorse or even encourage you to do that?
Daddy raped me so I have to go to him for support.  It's the same with the mhs.  They fail you on so many different levels and then there is this expectation that you should turn to them again.  When is enough ever enough?

So why isn't all of society medicated?
Some people are so disturbed, me included, that they can't rationalize the use of medication.  There are psychological issues at work preventing compliance with that.  It's a complex issue and not one the use of force resolves.

Proper therapy is what is needed not subjecting oneself to medications that have limited efficacy in certain patient populations.

I'm glad your brother benefited from medication.

Medication is one tool.  It is not the only one.  It is not that black and white.

This is not about you, it is about the system.  Systems are also fallible.

It can be hard listening to comments that you feel are unfounded in your truth.
The comments actually made me feel a little angry too.

There is help available, you need to trust in that.  Cutting is not the answer and it may hurt people believing that it was their fault.  Don't punish them for having an opinion that is different to your own.

I feel there is a lack of containment around this issue.  I didn't even realize how uncontained I felt myself.

How long is your husband away for?

[irisflower76]

im just a reject of the system, so im dead anyway...im way triggered right now & gonna cut myself...dont care anymore...this is my last post

[irisflower76]

i will kill myself before i take meds...bottom line...if that is all there is for me to get "help", then see ya on the other side.

[zack32]

Everyone has a problem with talking to the Dr. I think you all need to remember that they are only human. They are not perfect in anyway and sometimes don't have all the answers. Don't blame them for not being able to help you if you are not willing to help yourself.
Some of you mentioned that the Dr. say your untreatable. Well, yeah! if you are not willing to take medication there is no help. If you have a cemical imbalance in your brain causing the mental illness than you need something to offset that balance. My brother has ADHD. Without the meds he was completely out of control, on them he was a totally different person.

[Jaquta]

** Important Note **

Just because I and others have issues with accessing and accepting support from our health providers that does not mean that others should not follow up with their health care providers.  Because we have experienced a degree of adversity within our systems that does not mean that others aren't functional and aren't able to offer skilled, qualified and experienced support.  Most services are.  Not all, but most.

My personal thoughts and feelings should in no way affect anyone's willingness to access help.  Help is available and people should feel hopeful that they can change.

If people do feel depressed, anxious, paranoid, or suicidal, etc then they should seek professional help.  This is the right and appropriate thing to do.

[Jaquta]

Basically, I think what the doctor said was, GO GET HELP!!  That's in layman's terms just so there is no confusion or misunderstanding.

I don't think getting help is the problem.  I also don't think we're (may as well include myself here) that uninsightful that we don't accept we have a problem.

The problem is not about accessing support but about accessing appropriate support.
Despite what we say we know we're unwell -we're not stupid.

Maybe the doctor lied.  Maybe he gave you IV nutrition?  Not a bad way to get energy and electrolytes into a starving person.  Not very ethical either though.
Communication often seems poor between departments and between doctors and patients.  There are many psych patients who don't care about treatment but there are some that do.  I personally like to be kept informed (and involved where possible) of treatment decisions.  I don't like being treated like a thing or a number.  Though most people being aware of who you are due to their perception of you being difficult or different isn't very helpful either.

I had a bad reaction to some meds I had been given too and collapsed in the door to my room.  While I was struggling to breathe this nurse was doing some spiritual energy field thing on me.  It was some relief when a real doctor came running.

I think talking helps us to feel validated.  I was able to work through some of my negative feelings with a T which was extremely helpful.  Before that the best I could do was try and avoid the problem or visualize the staff as little babies with rattles and in diapers in some very public place or humiliating situation.

I'm sorry you cut.  You really should have spoken to someone to have avoided that.  That was where the ...you must get help bit came in.

I sometimes feel better about not actively asking for help because I know how stressful and potentially harmful that is.
Probably if I had to make a decision either way at the moment I would choose to run away.  Also not very constructive or helpful.

People are over-cautious with you.  I have experienced that too.  Now I am at the other end of the spectrum where I could be in the process of hurting myself and nobody would care or understand or do anything.
It's funny how you have to talk to staff like babies.  I  f e e l  ...  Not sure what this means to me.  I was just trying to highlight the need for clear communication.  Maybe they treat us like children so we act like them or we behave like children so they treat us like children.  I don't know.  Probably both.  Either way it's not very empowering.

I have actually found those young doctors the best.  Mainly because they haven't adopted all the negative values that the older more cynical ones have.
I have found the old doctors OK too.  After my experiences in hospital I was seen by the doctor from the 65+ service.  That was ?three times my age but hey as long as I didn't have to see any of the doctors I had been treated by.  It worked for me.

The only time I befriended the doctor was when I thought he could discharge me.  Apparently not.  He was the out-patient consultant not the in-patient one.

Some hospitals and staff members are OK.  I'm not against appropriate treatment.

I think our problem is that we feel too threatened and we run or we avoid dealing with the real problem.  It ends up hurting us and adds to our feelings of frustration.  Sometimes if we just waited and worked through stuff we would be better off.  Overall I think we make some pretty poor decisions.  Understandable but poor.

Venting can be good.

I don't know what's going on with me.  My day starts off pretty average but then by evening I have crashed and things are pretty bad.  I resolve to get some support but wake up next day feeling OK.  Then the cycle continues.

I think although I'm feeling stuck and trudging through mud all the time I think I may be able to get myself out of this mess myself (although personally when things are this bad I don't see how) and then I feel overwhelmed by the fact that if I move on then things were never that bad in the first place.  Certainly nobody ever validates how bad things are for me.  A lot is going on and it changes quite quickly.  ??

Police often add to the problem.  Many cease to treat people with psych issues with any degree of respect.  I guess they just get fed up with all the stuff that they have to deal with.

Denying the significance of cancer has helped me.  Denying there is a problem has made me feel better.  Avoiding all those oncology and surgical appointments and tests has made me feel marginally better.  In the short-term it has given me back a sense of control.
It doesn't make it go away but it gives you choice.

The choice is not to enter a mh system or service that will make the problem worse.    Really, it isn't even a choice.

People have treated you poorly.
I think sometimes it's because we're anxious, etc and they try to avoid making us worse by avoiding asking questions, etc and clarifying.

Sorry for the novels.
My plan at this stage is to talk to my doctor next week.  I hope you find the strength and courage to talk to your doctor.  Have a conversation with them, be honest with them, listen to them, ...

[inneedofhelp82]

There isn't really alot i can say to help because you are so clearly against the mental health service, in some ways i agree, my experience of them hasn't always been good either. They seem to reach a point where they don't know what to do espically in times of suicidal crisis, there answer is to lock us up or as i have found in my case they do nothing and leave me to cope with the feelings myself.
I found on my question to Dr Gould that his answer confirmed how everyone else makes me feel, that my situation is too complicated for me to be helped. I even feel that my therapist is just going through the motions of therapy, he doesn't really care either. I often think too about killing myself to prove a point but really my family would suffer and if my therapist doesn't care when i am alive me being dead won't bother him either, so  i think why kill myself because of him.
You are lucky your husband is supportive at least he can keep you out of hospital, my partner threatnened to put me in hospital one time during an argument he done it because he knows i am afraid of the hospital.
Have you ever had any good experience with mental health people at all?
I did have a good relationship with my therapist until lately but he seems different now, i think he will try and get rid of me so its hard for me to trust him with our up coming therapy.
Can i say if you don't receive any help from them, can you cope alone? Will you be able to keep yourself alive? I know the system can be really bad at times but they are trying to keep you alive.
I get really suicidal at times so reading your views on the mental health system is quite a big trigger for me, i know everyone has had different experiences but i still try to hang on to the good, i need to believe that they can help me otherwise my life will not be worth living.
I hope you find some peace in your life.

[irisflower76]

about 3 years ago i was pretty bad and my doctor set up an appt to see a psychiatrist. i went to the appt. and even set up for a follow up.  they called me back after a week and told me i wasnt a good candidate for treatment (no explanation).  they refer me to the mental health center.  the doctor couldnt even call me back to tell me this...he made his secretary tell me.  cant say i havent tried.  

[irisflower76]

why should i trust that mental health center?   no way.

[zack32]

I guess Everyone is just trying to figure out how you think. You are very confused as to weather you are mentally or spiritually disturbed.
I am the same age as you and a very spiritual person. I have never cut or even wanted to cut myself or kill myself for that matter in the name of spiritual release. If anything it is my spirituality that keeps me sane.
Cops hauled you off at your comment about killing yourself because it is there job to protect you. You may feel that you don't need the help, trust me my husband felt the same way. He was scared that he would never come home again, he hated having to go to the hospital. He takes his meds only because he doesn't want to go back there again.
Gr.Gould was right, you might not want to get help, but you NEED to weather you like it or not. No one can rightly say I am perfectly sane, but I just want to cut myself. You need to understand that you do have more than a spiritual problem. It isn't easy to be humble and admit it but it is extremely important to your health.
I have a friend who is about 15 yrs. older than us. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia in her early 20. She still to this day believes she doesn't need to take her medication. She ends up in the mental hospital about every 6 months or so, maybe if more. If we can't admit to ourselves when there is a problem, it doesn't make the problem go away. Kind of like a cancer patient saying I don't have cancer. It doesn't make it  go away or make them feel any better. It just kills them. You are in the same frame of mind. " What I don't know won't kill me" that is very dangerous because you have repeatedly talked about killing yourself.
Now I know what I say probably won't even make a difference to you, but I urge you to think about it seriously. Meditate on it! Sound it down into your heart! As a spiritual person you ought to know what I mean. Use God's word to "divide between bone and Marrow, because it is sharper than any two edged sword." In other words if you aren't going to get help from the Dr. you really need to read God's word daily and allow it to show you the right path. If you have any questions on the scriptures, let me know and I would be very happy to help you. I am a teacher of the Scriptures.

[irisflower76]

once i decided to try meds (because i thought it would help me go home quicker from the crisis unit just knowing that i had no intention of continuing meds after my release), so they put me on Abilify.  Three hours after taking the first pill, i passed out.  It took the nurse 10 minutes to come out and help me.  I was hauled off in the EMS to a real hospital and the doctor told me my body had a bad reaction so they stuck me with IVs and flushed the posionus Abilify out of my system.  Nobody called my husband during this crisis...he found out about my collapse when he stopped in for visiting hours & i wasnt there...he was soooo livid!  the next day, the pdoc asked why i stopped taking the medication...i'm like, DUDE ! didn't they tell you i had a reaction?  he called the nurse & she told him i passed out because i wasn't eating enough.  And i'm supposed to trust these a-holes? c'mon. f them.  i dont want to go back there.  that place is awful.  the pdocs got their degree from a vending machine i swear.  one pdoc is haitian (and like you, not to be racisit, just doesnt work for me).  another pdoc is indian...no thanks.  the other pdoc is an old fart who should be retired (this is the one who took 20 minutes to find his car in the parking lot).  the behavioral techs are all in their 20s and make fun of the severely ill patients.  why should i subject myself to this? why?  for my safety?  they make it worse.  sorry, venting...

You said you were in crisis.  Try to hang in there ok.