Overwhelming Guilt Over Mother

[giraffe7983]

I'm in my 30's. My mother is in her 60's.

In the past, she has had a habit of impulsive behavior. She has quit jobs without having new ones, sold a house and put her mom in a nursing home, only to follow a guy to a different city and watch him to back to his ex-wife.

In my last teenage years, she sent me off to be with my dad's side of the family on the other side of the country. Since those approximately 15 years, she has called about 5 times. The rest have been e-mails.

I was able to tolerate her random e-mails throughout each year. Then this recent episode threw me into a  obsessive loop.

She met a guy online earlier this year. She didn't meet him in person or talk to him on the phone until recently. Before that point, under his suggestion, she got rid of her apt. and quit her job. This was before she met him.

She met him in person last month and married him the very next day. Within a few days, she sold her car. I didn't go to the wedding.
When I called on the wedding day to wish them well, they made the decision to stay in town, so my mom could be close to her family. They stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks, got an apt. for 2 weeks, then he sold his car too and they took a bus a different state to move in with a pastor and his wife that they met off the internet. She wasn't planning on telling family when she left. I just happened to call her and informed the rest of the family in that state. I live on the other side of the country.  

Their decisions really stressed me out. He doesn't have contact with any of his family and he invited no one to the wedding. I was extremely skeptical, so I didn't go.
My issues are:

1) How can I deal with the overwhelming and piercing guilt for not going to the wedding
2) How do I deal with a mom who rarely contacts me and is very distant. She hasnt' really been there. She didn't even show up at my graduations.
3) How do I stop worrying about the two of them and their continuously impulsive decisions.

[Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD]

Hi.

Your questions are intelligent and solution oriented. And I would suggest you take it one step at a time. It seems all of the concerns you have mentioned here revolve around a few basic relationship issues you have with your mother. I would prefer talking to a therapist to explore those issues and work on them.

You had an option of going to the wedding. You didn't go, for some reason. That reason(s) could very well help you reduce the emotional disturbance created out of the guilt.

There is another aspect to this problem. You could be harbouring the need to monitor their decisions and the 'demand from yourself or from others' to have a peaceful and problem-free relationship. The two issues could be playing a role here. I am not sure if this is the case and I am definitely not suggesting these are the only possibilities. But if these issues are in fact found to be involved, you might see a change if you can learn how to be 'ok' with imperfections in life situations and relationships. I suggest you talk with a therapist/counselor to find out what works best for you.  

Hope you get your answers soon.

[giraffe7983]

The imperfection comment about relationships and life situations hit it right on the dot. Thank you so much for your help.