Still crazy after all these years?

[melancholybaby]

I've been married 20 years, and have three teenagers.  I have a history of moodiness, and have been on prozac for approximately 10 years.  I am melancholy by nature.  I fear I have inherited a mental instability from my mother's side, and my 2 sisters also have instability problems.  I have down through the years obsessed over issues, from spiritual matters to child-rearing issues, to relocation, to environmental issues.  I seem to become consumed with a particular problem and I cannot rest until it is solved...the problem is that many times there is no viable solution...and if there is, the peace only lasts a short while until the next issue comes up.  Each problem becomes gigantic in my mind, and overshadows the rest of my life, often depriving me of experiencing joy in living, and leaving me with a general feeling of insanity.  My relationship with my husband is nearly severed, as I have not loved him the way I believe I should love my husband.  Through the years, I have attributed my lack of emotional attachment to him to whatever issue was at hand at the time.  I have no love for him, other than the love I feel for every human being.  I want to end this marriage, but I do not want to be ostracized by my children, my family, the Christian community, and the community at large.  I want to someday know what it's like to cherish my spouse, to look forward to time spent together, to protect and care for my spouse, to nurture and complete his life.  I believe I can have this, but not with my current husband.  I mention my own potential psychological issues first only out of fairness, but my husband also has his own issues.  Reading through the author's "signs of troubled relationship", we have experienced most of these signs down through the years.  His lack of self-esteem and resulting suffocating jealousy have definitely created in me a bitterness and a general disdain for him.  His extreme neediness did nothing to endear him to me.  I was a good wife, caring for him and the home and children, submitting to his every sexual whim, but he didn't hold my heart.  I was holding to my vows out of duty and religious conviction, but I received no satisfaction from my marriage, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I was doing "the right thing".  He has told me on many occasions that I am "nuts", citing my mother's instability and my similarity to her.  I am contemplating divorce, but am sometimes convinced that I am indeed just a mental case who needs more medication in order to finish out this life.  My mother has struggled for years with her lack of affection toward my father, yet they remain married, it's been 44 years now.  The lack of respect she has for him is plain to see, and she clearly struggles to be kind to him, not to mention "loving".  She drinks regularly in the evenings, and I suspect it is to drown her disappointment in life.  I have been to a counselor several times. I know this is a multi-faceted post, but would like feedback.

[garbo215]

I have been in a similar situation: I don't take Prozac anymore, but I did for years.  I just recently tapered off completely from a small dose of Depakote: I started at 250mg/daily, had been taking 125mg daily for almost a year, then did every other day until I tapered off completely just a few weeks ago. My father is mentally ill, but there is also a lot of abuse in our family. Remembering my own childhood abuse two years ago prompted me to go to a psychotherapist (after years of just seeing a psychiatrist) and also prompted me to get a divorce. I have worked through a lot, that is why I quit my medication. Don't you do that without asking your doctor, though! Problems are still gigantic to me, but I still have the tenacity to tackle them to completion. Your husband has similar qualities to my ex. This is not a supportive environment for you. You can not heal and work through problems effectively if you come home to warfare where you constantly have to duck and cover. You are vulnerable and need a support system of loving, if not loving AND understanding people. I tried to get my ex to go to my therapist and he came home and told me that she said I was the one causing all the problems. He tried to get me to stop seeing her. He only saw her two more times before giving up because he was fine. He took zero responsibility for the dissolution of our relationship. He was insanely jealous, needy but not in a sweet way, in a very mean way, and he always told me that if I ever got a self-esteem that I would leave him. Well, guess what? I did. He has major abandonment issues and is very depressive and I could not live like that. He had sucked me dry, and I let him, and now that I knew why, I could not let it go on any longer. I have been alone for a long time, in order to process things and get my head together - to be fair to my next long-term partner. I found him just after my birthday, and he is amazing. He is so good to me, he doesn't call me names, he is not jealous and he is very honest and direct, instead of a double-talking passive-aggressive weasel. I almost expect the other shoe to fall, but it won't because people like this do exist and you deserve one, too. You, too, can find a supportive, loving partner if that is what you desire. I won't lie, divorce is very painful and leaves a hole in your belly that stings for a while. But, it sounds like you already know that feeling.

[WillD]

I'm guessing that you are 40-45 years old, based on the facts in your post.  That means you may have half your life or more ahead of you.  Your focus should be on MUCH more than just "finishing out this life".

You said "I want to end this marriage".  You don't sound like someone who makes such decisions lightly... I'd say you've made this one already.

"I want to end this marriage, but I do not want to be ostracized by my children, my family, the Christian community, and the community at large."

Your relationship with your children and family will take the tone that YOU set in response to the divorce.  The community at large has accepted divorce as a LIKELY outcome of marriage (sadly) and will barely notice yours.  

I have no medical qualifications, but I can comment on acceptance by the Christian community, since I'm a Christian myself.  The community should move to help you, even if that means helping you acknowledge your part in the failed marriage.  They should help you rededicate yourself to Christian ideals, including reverence for marriage as more than a duty.  Please know that Christ accepts you and loves you, and that our Earthly failings should serve to lift our focus from our problems and to Him.

Good luck melancholybaby, and God bless you.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I am convinced that most mental health symptoms occur when people feel stuck in life.  If you don't continue to evolve and become "yourself", the symptoms continue because the inherent frustration is so great.  If becoming a loving wife is what you have to do to be happy, then that is what you have to do.  Seeing a counselor can help you through this transition.