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Suicidal thoughts
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Suicidal thoughts

I have been suffering from suicidal thoughts for about five or six months i also suffer from major depressive disorder and anxiety and panic attacks, ocd and argraphobia but the thing that bothers me the most are the suicidal thoughts i don't know how to get rid of them, i have a therapist who is supportive but i still don't feel much better. Why can't i get rid of them, is it my fault?
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I see that your posting here, and the dialogue with the community, has  been helpful to you, now you need to take all of this back into your therapy, and the upcoming trauma work......your life situation is too complicated for anyone in this venue do anything more than support you...so keep your focus on your therapy.
21 Comments
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.  No, not your fault.  My doctor use to hate it when I would talk about blame.  He felt that that wasn't very constructive.  
I think that suicidal thoughts have an important function and that is often to communicate our distress.
My last T would say that if a patient is acting out, etc then there is something that the T is missing or not doing, etc.
Maybe your T is misunderstanding?  I once had a T who supported me is feeling pretty lousy.  I think the last thing anyone needs is support in staying in a very bad place.

I think the suicidal thoughts are probably a reflection of what is driving the anxiety and panic and all the other stuff.

I don't know how to advise about getting rid of them but being in intensive therapy with a skilled, qualified and experienced T would help.

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Avatar_f_tn
Yeah, thanks i agree and the intensive therapy starts in just under two weeks, i am anxious and afraid i won't cope with it. The suicidal thoughts must mean something i don't know what.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have been having some problems myself.  I was looking up the treatment for chronic severe suicidal ideations yesterday.  A good site was the APA.  My concentration is pretty bad but I think that was the American Psychiatric Association.  I think it was the evaluation of suicide risk, etc.  Under it they had some questions which I thought were quite good.  For me, they helped direct my attention towards what was causing my thoughts and feelings.  It also helped me identify when I perhaps need to be more vigilant.  Like when there are additional stressors, etc.

I was pretty stressed last night.  We have had a drought and then yesterday it absolutely bucketed down.  I had also accidentally left my window open.  My bed was wet, the floor was flooded, my library book was saturated.  I have a copy of one of Dr Gould's books and that was about the only thing that was dry.  ??

I need to go.  My mother is expecting a phone call.
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Avatar_f_tn
I tried looking for information once as well but all it gave me was hotline numbers, my therapist asked me some really good questions once about reasons not to commit suicide i can' t remember them but they made me think, one of them was if not for your own sake but for that of your family really think how they would feel if you died by suicide, i really wish i could remember them they were really good.
That would be stressful the bed getting soaked and stuff that would stress me.
Another pointless suicide prevention assessment i had done when i was in hospital i was asked to fill in a suicide risk form, i am not a stupid person, i wanted home i knew exactly what to tell them and they had a student nurse helping me, what was the point in that. I suppose it was my own fault i feel like this when i didn't tell them the truth but what were they going to do anyway, only keep me longer.
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Avatar_f_tn
Deterrents are good but perhaps not as good as resolving the underlying issues.
When I was seeing a good T and felt contained I had only one period of suicidal stuff.
It can feel draining when you are fighting yourself to make good decisions and stay alive. (And when nobody else is listening or offering support.)

You could ask your T and perhaps write them down if you feel that would help.  It is good to be able to remind yourself sometimes.

I was stressed that the water would wreck the walls, etc and about how much it may cost to replace the library book.  The book had only been in the library several months.  Plus I felt too tired to deal with it and making my bed.

As a patient you have a right to refuse students treating you.  I did this when having radiation and I felt like the worlds biggest tool.  People have to learn somehow.

I don't think people bother much with suicide assessments with me anymore.  I think there is this assumption that there is no plan or intent, etc.  This is perhaps the problem because I feel risk is always significantly higher than they assess for (except when I was threatened with ect when there was no or low risk).  I don't have any confidence in anybody ever getting it remotely right.  It confuses me and I end up second guessing myself and how I feel.
I don't think I could have a conversation about suicide with a health professional anymore without becoming either withdrawn and non-communicative or abusive.

Anxiety and depression questionnaires become so repetitive.  If I weren't such a perfectionist I would circle any letter or number (usually the one indicating less severe symptomology).  The second to last T I saw asked me to fill out forms during therapy.  I refused too.  She even said that because I was so anxious we should finish the therapy session early.  Why then do I need to fill out a form asking me if I am anxious?  ??

As a rule I don't sign no suicide contracts.  Probably because integrity is important to me but also because I think they are a waste of time and space.  That doesn't mean that they aren't important tools for other people though.

Maybe we are, maybe not stupid, but maybe not all that intelligent either.  A lot of the time we seem to cause our own misery and distress.

I don't think doctors always ask the right questions either.  I don't know whose responsibility it is -there's or ours.  I know I have been mismanaged and mistreated through an inability to communicate clearly.

I used to think that I would like to do a degree in suicidology (however you spell it).  Now I just feel bored by it.  Perhaps I don't care enough anymore.  ??

I need to be careful when talking about suicide with people that it doesn't trigger me to the point where I either hurt myself or kill myself.  It can be easy to enter that place or space sometimes.  I also need to recognize that I have come a long way but I find that it still has a pull sometimes.  Especially when my life isn't working for me and there seems no prospect for change.
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Avatar_f_tn
Why is that professionals assume that because we have talked about suicide before but not done that they think we won't. I know i am capable of it but on the other side i need to try other options first.
If i talk to much about suicide please tell me i don't want to trigger you.
Its hard to communicate with doctors sometimes i always leave without saying something i should have said.
I sometimes wonder will i ever feel ok or normal and why did it get so bad so quickly.
Even with my therapist and social worker i still get the feelings alot, after my first attempt i was ok for two months then one day i got all the medication i could and i went again, now i have the feelings all the time but not acting on them as quickly, i guess the fear of coming back and being placed in hospital is holding me back a bit.
The no suicide contract made me a bit angry to be honest i only signed it so i could go home but they don't get that but then again i guess if i really wanted home that bad then they thought i would be ok.
I do cause alot of my own misery if i could stand up and say to them, you have to do something now before i do, perhaps that would work but i know i won't.
I feel very distant from my therapist now, i don't call him since last week he said he forgot, i put too high of expectations on people i need to realise that he is only human too and is capable of forgetting.
I am glad you can see that you have come along way perhaps because you know you are tough that helps.
Did the water cause much damage?
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Avatar_f_tn
I think you really need to ask yourself what is behind the suicidal thoughts? You already mentioned that you suffer from major depression. So while the suicidal thoughts is what worries you most, I think that you really need to deal with the depression first before the suicidal thoughts will go away. Trust me I'm NOT saying get over it, I know it doesn't work that way.
The most persistent emotion connected with Major Depression- and the deadliest- is a deep sense of hopelessness. Professor John E. Mack writes of a 14 yr.old named Vivienne (this is true for adults as well), who was a victim of major depression. To all outward appearances she was a perfect young lady with caring parents. Yet, in the depths of despair, she hanged herself! Wrote Professor Mack: " Vivienne's inability to foresee that her depression would ever lift, that she had any hope of ultimately obtaining relief from her pain, is an important element in her decision to kill herself."
Those affected with major depression thus feel as if they will never get better, that there is no tomorrow. Such hopelessness, according to experts, often leads to suicidal behavior.
Please talk to people about how you feel. Don't be afraid of what they think. It doesn't matter what they think about you it only matters what you think about you. Each day you absolutely matter and need to find something positive in each day. Start with one thing a day even if it is "Hey, I didn't kill myself to day!". Next week try to find 2 things a day that where good, and so on.
The next best advice I have is for you to read 2 Corinthians 4:7 from your own Bible if you have one. If not basically it says that " the power beyond what is normal" comes from God. Read his word and you will find that there is a hope for the future and most of all for you individually.
I truly hope that you can find hope soon and that life doesn't remain so depressing for you. Take care of yourself and your mind. Seek all the help you can get. I would hate to see someone your age, my age, end life so soon.
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I think the fact that i won't take medication really holds me back but i am so afraid of it. I suppose i see no end to the depression, all the talking i do i don't feel any better. Today was a bad day i rang my therapist for help but then i feel bad that i bother him so much but just talking to him took that edge of it. I was hoping that the depression would have lifted by now but it just gets worse, every day i feel that bit more hopeless, i told my therapist it feels like i am trapped in a hole and i am fed up trying to get out i think i will just stay here, he tells me it will get better but i don't know it hasn't so far.
I hate calling people for help i should be able to do it myself.
My life is much more compilcated than just depression and i am soon to recieve therapy for trauma maybe that will help if i can cope with it, that scares me too. Thanks for replying
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Avatar_f_tn
Maybe in that moment they feel manipulated by us and feel angry or scared.
Maybe by not intervening they feel they are helping us to use our own resources.
It is a sensitive subject for many and most professionals seem unable to deal with.  Most are alright if it is a one off but if it is chronic ...useless and ineffective is an understatement.
I have found that there have been huge discrepancies between a depressive episode and other disorders (personality disorders, etc).  The discrimination is significant and mostly unhelpful.

If suicide is going to be on your list, which it possibly never should be, then it should be at the very bottom.  The screeds of intervening strategies should also be exhaustive.  
I have had several extended family members starve themselves to death due to physical illness.  I'm not sure I condone that either.  It is also pretty disturbing.

No, you need to talk.  I need to be aware of my own limits, triggers and warning signs.  We both need to be careful.  Sometimes we can discuss our thoughts and feelings and they can leave others feeling vulnerable.  In some communities discussions can cause  many people to spiral out of control.  It is good to be aware of whether the discussion is constructive or destructive.  If you find it hurting you then you need to take a step back.  The objective is to learn, not to feel worse.

I do that too.  It can leave you feeling incredibly frustrated at not being able to communicate things that you feel you would like too or feel that you need too.
A lot of our inability to do this is due to stress and anxiety and fear.  I use to panic a lot at the thought of disclosing some information.  (Usually not info regarding safety.)
Have you tried making a list?  I find that they can work some of the time.

Often we look at OK or normal as being what it was like before.  Most of the time that was not OK or normal.  OK and normal are what we make of them.
The doctor here has a good philosophy and that is to make our lives work for us.
Sounds a little like the psychiatrist who use to be on TV, Dr Keith Ablow, when he would say, "Because your life matters!"
I guess even at this moment parts of us are OK and parts of us are normal.
I think it is more about the journey though and not the destination.
Someone once said that the most important thing on a grave stone was the dash between the dates.

I expect things deteriorated quickly because of some stressor.
I was thinking the same thing of myself the other night.  I think for me it's been insidious.  It's just kind of crept up slowly bit by bit.  Even if those bits are rather large, sizable chunks.

Some people get a sense of relief after hurting themselves.
Not acting on them as quickly sounds like a positive step forward.
Hospital can act as a very big deterrent.  Oddly, avoiding seeking support from them can also negatively affect our recovery.  Hospital seems like a very polarizing place.

My stance now is that if I am in therapy and I feel extremely suicidal then the T is not working effectively or there is a problem with the therapy.
I was in therapy where I felt extremely bad and was suicidal a lot and also homicidal at times.  After being discharged and then being seen by another T the thoughts seem to dissolve.  I don't think I would ever consider being in therapy that was that detrimental ever again.  The difference between the two therapies was huge.

Anger is an emotion that can sometimes keep you safe.  Is sometimes dangerous too.

I told one doctor I would take meds so he wouldn't section me.  I never took any of them though.

I think you're wrong.  I think that a T should not forget to schedule appointments.  I think that this is very unprofessional.  Like my last T.  Is failing to return six phone messages after he asked me to contact him acceptable?
You have every right to feel angry and hurt.  I think you need to work on repairing the relationship a little.  Discuss how you feel about it with him.

Strengths can also be weaknesses and vice versa.

I think everything's OK except my poor library book.  It isn't too bad but I'm angry it's now in worse condition.  I can't deal with facing the library at this time so I may just renew it over the phone.  I hadn't finished reading it either.

I forget to tell you why I left my window open.  Mum had knocked on the door really early because she had locked herself out and had soap on her hands.  I got up to let her in and didn't go back upstairs till some hours later (12+).
Anyway, the point was that we have just had our shower installed and had this special coating stuff put on the glass.  Every time we have a shower we have to do all this cleaning and maintenance stuff to keep the life time guarantee valid.  I'm very thorough and fast at cleaning and it takes me at least five minutes.  It is so frustrating.  Frustrating enough for mum to go outside and wash under the garden hose at 5 in the morning.
I'm still in denial and not wanting to take responsibility for it although it was all my fault.

I'm so frustrated with everything at the moment I even went and whacked off all my hair last night.  Mum was horrified.
I'm kind of in that space where I need to do something.  Nothing I'm doing seems to be working.

Isn't that how most chronic conditions present, with overwhelming hopelessness (or powerlessness -one of the doc's favorite words)?  I don't ever see things changing, or at least, not in the foreseeable future.
Most depression is time limited.  What about other conditions?

Depression is only one aspect.  Saying someone killed themself because they were depressed is so simplistic.

Sorry, this was your post and your question.  I feel like I may have sabotaged it.  Sorry!
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Avatar_f_tn
Its fine, i am glad you can feel free to write on here what you have too, i hope it helps you.
What will you do about your hair now? I break things alot but so far i haven't reached my hair, i have had thoughts of cutting myself though with something that i have broken but usually my partner is there going mad and i don't get the chance, i tried locking myself in the bathroom once to take it further but he broke the door in. Sorry if thats too much information.
I agree depression alone would not make me kill myself, its a combination of everything in my life that has brought me to this point. The major depression bit i don't get i'm not depressed all the time sometimes i am extremely hyper and anxious, that is worse then i can't calm down. My partner had to take me for a drive at 11pm last night to see if i could calm down i was still shaking from yesterday. I should explain, my mother called because my sons school called her because they didn't have my new number and my son had fallen and hurt his wrist and it started to swell, anyway she called me and said that she needed to see my children because she missed them, i said thats fine i was going to send them around with my daughter anyway. She was still asking questions i didn't want to answer so i denied everything, to tell her would destroy her.
Anyway we agreed to disagree i will take the children around today, she said i am welcome regardless of my brother says. I was so upset when we finished talking i felt so bad for all the hurt i have caused everyone then my suicidal thoughts came in again, i panicked and called my therapist he was at lunch but he rang back about 10 minutes later. I didn't even make sense to him on the phone and he was getting angry he was like i can't help you if i don't know what you are talking about, i can see his point. We talked for a while, then i felt bad for calling him expecting him to help me all the time. He said he will talk to my mother he said she needs to be aware of my mental state and that its very fragile at the minute and i need support not more hassle so i agreed, so he will talk to my social worker to see what they can arrange.
I feel i cause people so much hassle and i am not worth it.
I called my social worker later that day and she said i should view as that if i need to call them, then i should and i shouldn't feel bad, she said i manage the rest of the day on my own so a 15 minute conversation with them is not the end of the world, what she   actually made sense, i still feel bad for calling them though.
I am still really anxious and panicky today, i have to go to my mothers in an hour or so i am afraid it will be too much and i won't cope, i even think maybe i will leave my children there and get away on my own. My mind is not in a good place today.
I would think i would use the shower instead of outside would it not be freezing. It wasn't your fault though these things just happen and it rained you can't help that. I don't really think i was ever normal to start with i have always been that bit different i have had therapists since i was 19 so thats not normal and i have OCD definetly not normal, i would like to be different than what i am now, maybe normal is too much to expect.
My partner is going mad because i am on this, does he not see it helps and he is stressing me.
I am trying to just get by day by day until the intensive therapy and if it doesn't work then my decision is made for me and i will make them aware of that or maybe i shouldn't it would feel like i was putting all the responsibilty on them.
I wonder why life is so difficult for some people why there are so many mental health disorders and why people have them and some don't and why we have to be managed rather than be able to lead a totally normal life.
I am back to the shaking part again my anxiety is really high i think its because i know the intensive stuff is coming up. I agree my therapist isn't always as professional as he should be but he helps alot and i know him to start over again would not be good.
I hope you have a good day today.

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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, i find the forums very helpful, i say alot of stuff here i don't even say to my therapist. I am putting all my energy into the therapy and i really hope it helps me its my last hope really. I know my situation is really complicated and the support here has been helping.
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Avatar_f_tn
If not helpful, at least educational.  Most of the time I think I would feel too embarrassed and ashamed and humiliated if I were to re-read anything I had written.  I think I like to put stuff out there and then ignore it or disown it.  I think this helps me to survive.

My hair will grow back.
I'm not able to use my shampoo or conditioner in the new shower (because it has ?silicon in it) so I've bought the cheapest stuff and this will likely be more convenient.  My hair was falling out again anyway due to stress.

You're lucky to have a protective partner.  Not so lucky that he's abusive though.

I once asked a psychologist what my diagnosis was.  He said I had an agitated, anxious depression.  What you have could be similar.  ??

Most people are stronger than they are given credit for.  The lies, rejection and betrayal are usually much harder to deal with than the truth.

I hope your son didn't break his hand.  I also hope the school now has your new number in case they need to contact you again.

Agreeing to disagree drives me nuts.  I find it the most frustrating and aggravating thing out.

The hassle is because you are unwell and your support people aren't being that effective.  In my opinion.
You remind me of myself a few years back and perhaps even now at times.
My T sent me her case study of me today.  She titled it, The therapist as a contained container.  I don't sense that any of your treatment team are containing.  Maybe once you see the doctor and start the trauma work?

Everybody is worth it.  I use to feel guilty when others would die because they had so much to give or were so loved.  You know what?  We're OK too.  We're worth it and we deserve to be happy.  Nobody deserves life any more or less than we do.

Don't feel bad.  View it as an investment.  For both you and your children.

The shower is the better option.  Our temperatures aren't too cold -yet.
I needed to have been more careful.  Anyway, it's Autumn here and it's beautiful.

Normal is too subjective.
I don't think I was ever OK either.  I think my issues should had been identified earlier.
I was once sent to the school nurse (a relative of ours) because I was in tears at being forced to socialize with others which I found significantly stressful.  My sister had a good relationship with the house mistress so they probably just assumed it was due to some of the stress from home.  Not the fact that I had issues or wasn't coping with the death of one of the students who shot himself.  Someone like my cousin who had all the potential in the world.  School was really messed up anyway.  My sister also trod on a lot of peoples toes, or they were envious of her, so I got a lot of that back lash.
One weekend I had about 20 hours of house detentions just due to my relationship with her.

I've been on the computer a lot this past week too.  My parents are letting it go.  Not showing me that it costs between 4-9 cents for every hour I am on it like they did last week.  My mum knew that I was upset after seeing my doctor this week.  She made it about my finger but I kept referring to the mh stuff and the lack of support.

Last night I took more meds than I should have and are getting a bit careless.
The problem is I'm not sure how to fix this.  I feel so overwhelmed on so many different levels.  My parents have been ?fighting again and they're both wanting to sell the house.  I wouldn't expect it to be before next year but the thought of change and leaving something unfixed or broken is difficult for me.
The hassles with finding a T who can do in-depth work with me (which nobody here is trained to do) is frustrating and fragmenting.

I honestly don't know if respite at this time would be a good option for me.  The last thing I really need is to be placed in an even more stressful or triggering situation.

That's not fair to set a date like that.  I did that once.
I was in a very bad space.  My parents were away.  I had been for a short walk as my doctor had advised me to do.  I spoke to our neighbor who had cancer.  I came home sat at the table and was trying to figure out whether I wanted to donate my organs or not.  I donated blood once and then struggled with the concept of that.  My decision would affect which method I would use.  Anyway, while I was sitting there contemplating stuff the phone rang and it was one of the psychologists from the mhs.  I hadn't seen a T for months and this was for a review so that was kind of out of the blue.  I agreed to an appointment.  Anyway, this gets very messy but I did end up setting a date.  It was for roughly two months later.  Anyway, the psychiatrist never actioned the therapy and it wasn't until five months after my date that I received a letter saying I had been placed on the psychology waiting list.  I was kind of lucky because just before the date my mood lifted due to the change in seasons.
Anyway, setting dates is very, very dumb and not to be done.  If you're planning on doing this then you need to be discussing it with your T.  One week of intensive therapy may not change a lot either.  

I think many of us are stubborn and try to force life.  I think the problem many of us have is with managing our emotions.  We should have lessons in problem-solving and all that basic life stuff when we are in school.  I'm only learning now what I should have been taught a lifetime ago.

The doctor is right.  You do need to take all this back to your T.  Therapy is what will make the difference (not posting here talking advice from a person more dysfunctional than yourself).

Talk with your support people about what you're thinking and feeling and you'll be fine.
Good luck for the intensive therapy.  Wish I could be in your place.
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I like talking with you it helps, i also know therapy is important too but so is talking to you for me it is anyway. I'm not sure if i'm much help to you though.
I am very depressed today i could cry at anything i really hate this. I was at my mum's today my father wanted to see the youngest two, it made me even more depressed and i was upset when i left but i never told her though. My brother made some comment but i ignored him, i wanted to walk out but they are my parents too and he has no right to tell me what to do. My parents don't know about the assault or anything that else that happened i couldn't cope with their reactions and having to see them all the time when they know that type of stuff about me i couldn't cope.
I get really confused at times like i was trying to remember today what i had said to my therapist on Friday and i didn't know if it was real or not, i was thinking did i really say that or dream it. I went to church this morning with my 11yr old son and 7yr old daughter she was reading a prayer in church it was an amazing feeling i could have cried and then i think they deserve much better than me. My son is wearing a splint on his wrist they think he has broken a bone in his wrist but because its so small it doesn't show up on x-ray so they put it in a splint and he goes back in three weeks to get another x-ray and if new bone has started to form then they will know it was broken.
I agree my therapist doesn't contain me well either or my social worker although she would be quicker to act than him, i still feel he doesn't know what to do but i guess he doesn't want to give up on me either. I guess i have given in and agreed to go to that place for the therapy so it shows them i am somewhat committed to it.
I am really afraid i won't cope with the therapy and then hospital won't be a choice they will put me there, i need to tell my therapist this and the fact that at sometimes i'm not totally comfortable with him, espically with what i need to talk to him about. Sometimes i feel he is impatient with me as well, but i suppose maybe i am frustrating at times. I drive my partner mad, my social worker seems to able to deal with me the best.
I would like a diganosis as well but my social said i might not get one, the doctor will talk to my therapist and he will tell me more.
I am supposed to be making dinner i need to go.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar_f_tn
I learn something from everybody I talk too.  You've shown me that I need help too.  Perhaps also more urgently than I would have thought.

My T just sent me an e-mail.  That made me feel sad and tearful.
The tearfulness is usually a warning sign.  For me that can be a sign of depression.  Of stress and vulnerability at the very least.

It gets easier.  I put all sorts of stuff on the net about me.  Gee, Dr Gould probably has my entire medical and social history to date.  I often feel embarrassed and small but then it's gone, it's in the past.  People generally don't care all that much about others, their primary concern is for themself.  They will remember what they choose too.  Often after a short period the thoughts diminish.
Why should you act any differently because they know?  Put on your flame suit reserved specially for family members and walk tall.  Don't let them make you feel ashamed or less of a person.  Also put your energy into your being not theirs. that's draining.

Would having a support present while you talk to him help?  At least for the more difficult and threatening stuff.  Would your social worker be an appropriate person?

In all honesty and I don't say this lightly, I believe you need to be in hospital for the trauma work.  A boring or low stimulus place is probably a good place to be with so much going on.  

Enjoy dinner and good luck for your doctors appointment.

Don't forget to keep Dr Gould's words at the back of your mind.  It was good advice.
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I am feeling very tearful these days too its not like me i am usually emotionally numb and show no feelings at all.
I feel awkward at times too i feel i put too much information on here at times but as you say the majority of the time no one cares or remembers.
I will see what the doctor says tomorrow maybe if thats what he recommends i will go, on the condition that i can leave when i want, i know voluntarly you can but you have to see a doctor first i don't want that i want to be able to go when i want, i'm not sure if they would allow me though.
I don't know if i would want my social worker there its too personal. I found out today it was based on personal information that i told my therapist and he passed it on to my social worker who passed it on the social services, i found this out from the woman i see from woman's aid. I asked her to find out was the information passed on to my children's schools and she said it was, it was very personal stuff and it upsets me, i understand they thought they were doing a good thing but they weren't, now alot of people know too much stuff about me. The information wasn't even about any harm to my children so i don't know why she felt the need to involve social services.
I can't see the relationship with my mother working, my father couldn't even look at me yesterday and thats without them knowing about the abuse or the assault.
At least your therapist e-mailed you, i guess its some form of contact but obviously not enough.
I guess our health service here is different to yours, its quite good here, but i have waited a long time to get this far.
My social worker called this morning, i told her the truth i am so depressed. I only got showered and dressed at 3pm to go and see the woman from woman's aid, otherwise i would still be in my pyjama's.
I went then and rented two dvd's to watch tonight that was a big thing for me to go there alone i had a great sense of freedom being in town alone. The place i am going to is extremely boring and it will drive me mad, i will want to go home. The woman from woman's aid is going to come and see me and we will go out for coffee so at least i won't be stuck there all the time. If i come home i know i will want to stay at home so its better if i don't.
I am anxious about tomorrow but at least they are being helpful and being sure they are doing the right thing.
I hope all is well with you.
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People care but we don't carry everybodies info around with us all the time.  We have lives to live too.
If you're impulsive and unpredictable I wouldn't let you come and go.  What is the point of that?  They may as well just leave you at home and use the bed or funding for some other purpose.  You know what you're saying doesn't make sense.  You know what your treatment team think and you know where you would be safest.

I think where children are involved it is better to err on the side of caution.  Don't you wish that service had of been available to you when you were younger?
So many young kids have been beaten, abused and killed here you get a bit fed up after a while.  Also the services can be pretty useless which doesn't help.  There was and still is way too much bureaucracy in my country.  It is improving but there are still issues.

She just wanted to give me a copy of her case study on me but about the techniques she used to try and contain me.  It spoke very poorly of the system and of the husband and wife I have seen for my 'treatment'.  It was interesting.
It was the third to last T.  I say last because she is the only T of note I have had.

My T said your system was pretty bad too.  Or maybe not the system but the level of understanding about the disorders by some (most) professionals.  She said most were just farmed out for cbt.

It's good that you managed to get out alone,
If it's boring then find something to do.  Take something that will occupy your mind.
I bought a big tapestry that I liked.  It had a native Indian and the mountains.  It also had a saying which I quite liked at the time.  I only ever did about five rows though.  =(
Coffee is good.

Good luck for your appointment.  I see my GP in an hour and a half.  I'm a bit scared to be honest.  I think he will just sign a medical certificate for me and that will be all.  I think I'm sufficiently unwell to realize that keeping my mouth shut might be a good idea.  I'm not sure how this is going to play out.  ??
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How did it go at the doctors? Maybe you should tell him how bad you really feel, just a thought, but maybe it would help.
I am anxious about tomorrow, but i am prepared to be totally honest i need to, i am only making things worse for me if i don't.
Yeah cbt is a big thing here, thats what my therapist is a cbt therapist he worked in trauma therapy for years and the hospitals so he's not too bad. I have had the analytical therapy too though which ended up with me being back in cbt because the panic became too much but thats because he was on the right track and i was too scared. I have to chance to go back to that therapy, my therapist talked about it the last time i saw him but he wants to do this first, i get the feeling he wants to do this and then pass me on, i hope not.
Yeah, you are right about the children and social services its better to be safe than sorry, and everything turned out ok, i just didn't like my personal information being passed around. I was speaking to the headmistress on Friday about my son's hand and it was in my head that this woman knows i was assaulted last year and she also knows what my partner is like, we were on the phone so it wasn't to bad.
I sometimes wish my therapist would be more assertive, but i know he won't i think he is afraid i will leave him and not trust him if he hospitalized me against my will, my social worker on the other hand would be quicker to act, which is a bit scary. The place i am staying should be ok they think, well he reckon's it safer then being at home and since the assault took place at my home he thinks it wouldn't be good for me to come home during the therapy when everything is so out in the open.
I am hoping to stay calm and not be impulsive, i really hope so because if i feel suicidal and want to leave and react badly i am afraid what they will do, i really need to stop worrying or try to. The woman i see from woman' aid said she will come and visit me next week and we can go out for coffee. My partner wants me to come home somedays but then i will get upset and not want to go back.
I hope it goes for you with the doctor.
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My appointment went ... well it just went
My doctor said good morning.  Then was going through all the correspondence that had arrived and been scanned onto his computer.  Apparently there are messages flying around asking for an urgent review.  Another doctor who could have done it is also over seas.  He said he would make some more phone calls.
I got my medical certificate signed.  Told him my finger was itchy and he gave me all this stuff to swab it with.  All the appropriate specimen paraphernalia.  I have no idea what happened to the US he was organizing.

Anyway, I've been more withdrawn and don't really want to discuss what else has been going here.

Good luck for your appointment.
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Do you mean an urgent review for you? You would think that it would be possible to get a doctor where you live, maybe i,m wrong. Is your finger any better?
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Yes.  I guess the time was spent trying to forward my care but it felt impersonal and I felt invisible.  I feel frustrated.
My GP's daughter broke her foot a while ago and I think he wouldn't let her, or any of his other patients, hobble around for two years without any support.  Or maybe give them half a broken crutch.  Why is it OK for him to do that to me?  I spoke to someone from lifelink youthline last night.  They suggested I change my doctor.  It probably wouldn't make any difference or may even make the situation worse.
It's all well and good that they make an effort to get a review done urgently now but I'm angry and don't want to talk to anyone.  Morons!  I should never have been allowed to become this unwell.
Yesterday after seeing my doctor I felt ready to end everything.  I thought today when my parents were away would be a good option.  Mum didn't go to Tai Chi as she usually does though.  Bugger!  Anyway, I spoke to that guy last night and that helped a little.  He told me to keep smiling.

I also read Dr Gould's response to the other member.  I suppose that could have applied to me too.  I'm not even sure when something is a problem anymore though.  I can also go from being OK to not OK (and not supporting the healthy part) really quickly.  I ask myself whether I need to go to the hospital but even if I think I do, what is the point?  It's not like they become any more capable or willing to help me.  What will they do?  Lock me up and threaten me with ect?  Like I need that like I need a sore head.

I am very, very angry for some reason.
The government cut my disability allowance due to their stupidity so that also annoyed me.  I argued with the call centre person, who I could barely understand, which is not like me.  She apologized and said that they had made a mistake and would now send out more paperwork for me to take to my doctor to sign.  The system is so stupid.

There was an article in our newspaper a few weeks ago saying how wonderful one of our psychiatrists was because he treated someone for serotonin syndrome which had been diagnosed months earlier by someone else at another hospital.  
I've seen this doctor and he was so slow and told me to stop taking my asthma meds which I had needed at that time.  Do doctors think we're retarded or something.

My behavior and thought processes seem to have deteriorated a lot.  I'm not even sure what to do anymore.

It's stupid that people have asked questions on safety and I seemed to have undermined them.  It's not very reassuring when someone tells you to get help and then won't or can't themself.  I wouldn't give me much confidence in them or their advice.

I'm not even sure why this is all spilling out now.

No, my finger is still sore.  I sent in the swab today so hopefully they'll be able to tell me whether it is bacterial or fungal or whatever.

Some experts don't like people socializing in their forums.  I should have written this elsewhere.  I'll talk to you in another forum.
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