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Taking pleasure in emotionally hurting someone
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Taking pleasure in emotionally hurting someone

I apologize in advance for this being so long-
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now.Beofre we moved in together he was the most supportive, wonderful, loving and gentle person. However, very soon after we moved in together he started getting irritated with the tiniest things. He started showing excesive anger. When I would try to talk to him about our problems he would demand that I leave him alone, because talking to him pisses him off. He also changed his habits- stopped helping clean the house or his own clothes for example, started smoking , dropped out of classes in college and became a bartender. He became totally devoted to his new job and would try to spend all his time there, take over other people's shifts, etc. Suddenly he said he has no more goals in life.
With time his mood changes became more frequent and he would need more and more time to be left alone to calm down. When he is "pissed off" he would call me names, say he doesn't love me, make up stories to hurt me with, and do different ( very imaginative and cruel things) just to see me cry. Then a day came when he also hit me. After a few times I called the police, he got arrested, and I decided to leave. At this point I was afraid he would kill me. However, he came out and not only apoligized, but also behaved like the wonderful person I knew before. That lasted for 2 months, but then he went back to the same pattern we knew before. Every two days he would become enraged, say and do things that know hurt me very deeply, and then just take them back saying he doesn't really mean them unless he is mad.
He says it is all my fault because I try to talk to him when he is getting irritated, but the truth is he refuses any kind of conversation at any time. He thinks he is the victim in our relationship and feels no regret whatsoever for anything he says or does. However, he doesn't leave either although he says he wants to all the time. Instead, he truely enjoys hurting me because he knows I always will be there for him anyways. he says he will just find someone else, and be very happy, but yet he always stays with me.
People I have talked to say he needs help because the things he does suggest some kind of mood disorder. I was wondering if that might be the reason for his behavior.
The second thing is that with all this happening my own self-esteem and mental stability are becoming very low. I feel incredibly hurt and depressed and find myself unable to take the only right decision as it seems - leave. For some reasons, one of which is I still love him, I find it incredibly hard to imagine life without him. I realize there is something wrong with this dependancy. I worry for myself .
Perhaps I need an advice whether I have any chance changing him back into what he used to be. For some reson I feel the reason he acts like this is not not loving me. I talked to his parents and they said he has always had this temper problem, and has even been in a special school because of it. He breaks off his relationship with his Mom and calls her names etc. as well. At this point he truely believes he needs noone. She said it happens every two years and continues until a stressful situation comes up which makes him reevaluate things. She also said he never finished anyhting he started- he loves it at first, and then just looses interest.
If I knew he just doesn't love me I would leave. But every day I keep asking myself, can he get help and get better, is it a temper issue or is it more.I still wonder how could I change things, or is it just hopeless.
I would really appreciate your advice.
Thank you
Related Discussions
Avatar_n_tn
Dear Jana
It seems like your boy friend has a significant problem with anger control. Anger can result from several reasons e.g.: mood disorders, abuse in child hood, drug and alcohol abuse etc. I would recommend that he consult a Mental Heath Professional for a comprehensive evaluation for a correct diagnosis. Psychotherapy (both individual /group -anger group) would be beneficial. Your relationship seems to be abusive (both physically and verbally) which can cause significant impact on your mental health status. It would be helpful for you to consider psychotherapy for discussing about your concerns.

Sincerely
HFHS-M.D.

11 Comments
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Avatar_f_tn
People that really love each other don't deliberately hurt each other. He sounds like a typical abusive person taking out his negative past experiences that hurt him on you. I say dump the creep like last weeks garbage!
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Avatar_n_tn
the longer you stay with him the more difficult it will be to leave. Focus on you, your needs and get away. You will end up a codependant and then will find it impossible to leave. Your self esteem and confidence will be in ruins; I know I've been there. My ex-husband was an after 5PM functioning alcohlic who was charming and successful. I thought I could make a difference and that he wouldn't need the vodka. Wrong!!!!! I ended up depressed, angry and confused and he ended up leaving me for someone else who he said understood him. Yeah right! It took almost 3 years of 3 times a week therapy to gain back my self-esteem.
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Avatar_n_tn
Jana,

Just a thought....if you are always there and there is no
change in the living enviroment then he will stay comfortable
to act the way he is.Its comfortable for him,no need to change.
Untill there is some kind of consiquence for him to "suffer"
he may not wake up and smell the coffee.I sounds like abusive
behavior...hurt then apologize.I think untill he see's the
damage of his behavior he will continue.I agree with the above
post to focus on YOU ,maby try a counselor for some suggestions
as to how to approch/cope with a situation like this? If you are afraid for your well being physical/mental I would see if I could stay with a friend or relative for a bit and see how you feel with some distance from that enviroment.When you are caught up in the middle of it you can't look at it from a healthy
prespective.If you could ever go to a counselor with him that
may help,it sounds like he may need some help.I have learned
personally that you can not change someone they have to want
that for themselves and no one else.Its a long hard process to
change a behavior that has been a long time pattern.I hope
things work out for you,just look out for YOU! If you fall apart
then how can you help even yourself let alone someone else.
Take care,
Jean
PS-Don't think it's you!!!He MAY feel horrible being the one who
is dishing out the hurt and that MAY make him feel quilty and
he want's to blame somebody.
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Avatar_n_tn
Dear Jana
It seems like your boy friend has a significant problem with anger control. Anger can result from several reasons e.g.: mood disorders, abuse in child hood, drug and alcohol abuse etc. I would recommend that he consult a Mental Heath Professional for a comprehensive evaluation for a correct diagnosis.  Psychotherapy (both individual /group -anger group) would be beneficial. Your relationship seems to be abusive (both physically and verbally) which can cause significant impact on your mental health status. It would be helpful for you to consider psychotherapy for discussing about your concerns.

Sincerely
HFHS-M.D.
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Avatar_n_tn
Jana
I was in the exact same situation as you-he tried Prozac and therapy and nothing helped-in fact the abuse got worse and it was always my fault-GET OUT NOW and save what little self respect you have left-arn't you tired of saying sorry after someone has abused you!Get out, life goes on-mine did and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.I have a boyfriend now who treats me like a princess and I am!
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Avatar_n_tn
I agree with the people telling you to get out of the relationship. I am a gay man who was in a similar relationship with an abusive person. It nearly killed me, and I ended up in the Phsyc ward for 6 weeks. It's taken almost 5 years to bounce back from that experience. Please do not sacrifice your own self worth for the sake of another. All you are doing by staying in the relationship is enabling him. My experience is that people such as your boyfriend DO NOT CHANGE. Get out while you still have your sanity.
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Avatar_n_tn
I was just examming the message board because I realize that I do have a problem, an on-going problem for quite some time. People wouldn't bother with me after so long;I always got into a fight with someone and would get revenge by "getting back" at them in any way possible. Then I came across this and recognized the same actions that your boyfriend has done in my own. I am desperate in finding an effective way to change this for my own social well-being. My now, sad to say, ex-boyfriend has dumped me and says that this will always be a part of me and will never change. I honestly do love him very dearly, but I wonder why I could ever hurt someone in that way? He even says that I get a "glow" over me when I would hurt him. But it's not just him; I have done this to everyone in my life. I am currently looking for help in this matter and would like to ask the doctor online to help in finding out what is wrong, since this is not just an isolated case anymore. It doesn't help that when I do recognize my actions(after pointed out) and the fact that I show no physical remorse for it, that I fall into depression ( which I have) that changes my appetite that I do starve myself in shame of my actions. I have also been told that I exhibit a form of "Victim Syndrome". PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!!I don't know what to do. I'm 20 years old and have lost seven pounds in the last week or so.
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Avatar_n_tn
Jana, I can truly relate to your situation, I had been in a relationship for 8yrs with a man with a similar attitude to your boyfriend, we have a child together and he is a devoted father
BUT he has such a cruel cold streak in him, sometimes I couldnt believe it was the same man, in 8yrs he has never apologised once for his words or actions, and always told me thats just the way he is, he can't help it, and if I didn't like it he would just pack up and leave knowing full well, I would as always just
forgive and forget ( though I never did forget) my once bubbly personality diminished over the years, and inside I became increasingly bitter..it ate away at me like an angry sore.
till one day I realised what a sad unhappy and unsatisfied person I had become...so the next time I bore the brunt of his anger and he threatened to leave..I showed him the door. all the
cynicism, guilt trip, and sarcasm he could muster at me, for
once didnt flinch my resolve, of course I stll love him, but I love myself more..we are friends on his terms or so he thinks
but deep down .I know he has lost the best friend he could have,
ME! He doesnt seem to care really...because I think he is actually incapable of real love.
By all means try counselling together..but please don't forget who is number 1...YOU!!
Take Care of yourself :o)
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Avatar_n_tn
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM,BUT NOT YOUR PROBLEM.YOUR BOYFRINDS.
I'VE BEEN SEEKING HELP BECOUSE I DO THE SAME THINGS REPEATEDLY
I HAVE LOST PEOPLE AND RELATION SHIPS IN MY LIFE AND IT JUST
DEPRESSES ME MORE WHEN MY OWN ACTIONS BRING ABOUT THESE RESULTS.
I HAVE TRIED MANY MEDS AND THERAPY BUT ALWAYS SEEMS I MESS UP AGAIN.I NEED HELP IN THE WORST WAY!!!!!AS WELL AS YOUR BOYFRIEND
I HATE TO SEE THE GUY LOSE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BECOUSE THE SITUATION COULD GET DANGEROUSE FOR YOU.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WISH I HAD SOMEONE WHO CARED FOR ME AS MUCH AS YOU DO FOR HIM.IT IS A WONDERFUL THING THAT YOU TRYING TO HELP HIM AND STICK WITH HIM,BUT YOU NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR YOUR SELF.IF HE DOES EVER GET THE HELP HE NEEDS,AND DOES GET BETTER PLEASE POST IT HERE TO HELP OTHERS IN YOUR SITUATION AND HIS.THANKS..
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Avatar_n_tn
HI I am having a similar problem with my fiance. it seems that no matter what i do or what i say it is wrong, stupid, pisses him off, or is totally unnormal. i try to make him understand that not everyone sees things like him but that only makes it worse. i feel like i am no good and never will be the wife he is looking for. i want to love it out of him but i can't get enough love in return. the simple 5 minutes devoted to me and what i was thinking during the day or something fun i did. i always ask him about his day and how his work went.
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