What is the first step in treating a disorder/depression? Please, help me

[fenreer]

Hello,

I am a 22 year old male.  I believe that I am suffering from severe depression as well as at least one complimentary mental disorder of some sort (though I cannot say which disorder(s) that/those might be).

I feel like I am simply worthless.  There are sessions when I will start striking myself on the head/face and chest area uncontrollably in an attempt to wound myself while screaming and crying.  I'm unsure if this is because I feel I deserve to be punished or if it is just my frustration with myself for being so incompetant.  I can't even figgure out why i'm hitting myself and that makes things worse.  My brain skips (seemingly randomly) around to various wicked thoughts of suicide and/or how pathetic I am.

This is odd because I am a freelance computer programmer on my spare time.  I taught myself four languages plus some website design skills.  I don't think i'm ADHD (i'm a security guard by day, I sit around for hours on end reading books like FLOW and Atlas Shrugged).

I feel like i'm living my life with no order and I lose the interest to change it before any significant progress can be made.  I do not hear voices.

Currently i'm paying $50/week for a therapist (despite the fact that my paychecks are less than $500 each and I pay rent/utilities/food/etc) because I see no other way to stop this.  I cannot see myself living without constantly suffering as I see no possible way for me to heal.

My social interactive behavior is peculiar as well...  I will make a resolution to keep quiet for some time and simply listen to others but almost every time without fail I will blurt out my own comments (usually rude or antagonistic) without any consideration for anyone else.  This is terrible and as a result I have very few friends.  What's more, once I do this I will forget entirely about my previous resolution and I usually won't remember it until after I have left the presence of my friends (who then view me as a smartass).  At this point I begin to hate myself once more because, as usual I failed to accomplish the goal I had set for myself.  It's like I enter "social mode" when around friends and I lose track of all previous thoughts, they are unaccessable.  Then when they leave I return to "mend yourself" mode, where I feel guilty about not doing anything productive.

I need to find out if this is some sort of medical condition that can be treated.  If there is no cure for this I will probably continue in agony because I know I don't have the balls to kill myself.  Alcohol might be the answer to that and I have pondered the idea to some extent.  I will not live this way if I can help it.  If that means a cure, great.  If that means suicide, great.  I know I COULD suffer this way for years if I had to, but i'd really rather not.

Thanks in advance.

[sugarbee]

My name is Chrissy I'm 20 and I suffer from Depression and Bulimia nervouses.I have been in theropy all my life, been midiagnose and giving priscriptions in diffrent shapes and sizes.For many years I took meds eving in liquied form but my bulimia wouldnt let me any more.I had to stop all of them and find other ways .

My problem was I took on others problems and didnt relize I forgot my own.Befor I knew it it was to late I was in a empty bottle and could not get out everythig started to repress, my eatting,sleep, my feelings and interaction  with people.Nothing was working friends , family, my theropist, I was on a decline. I was getting sick all the time couldn't keep the food, liquid,or eving baby food down and life became a blurr.I was 85 pounds, age 17 and could not get out of bed on my own .

I was sent to a hosital to over go seriouse rebilitation, and there I felt what alone relly is.I came home 6 months latter and was fine for two weeks and started my bad habits with in 2 year span I tried to comitte suicide 2 times and the seconde almost killed me.

So now I take one day at a time and on my bad days a hour at a time. I still deal with my bulimia everyday but my depression has goton better. When I feel like I'm being over whelmed I step outsideand forget all my feelings and listen to the world at play ( the wind,birds the kids and watch the sun go down). This gives me clarity for another day to live. When doing this the only way it works is to clear your mind and just listen. Another surgestion is to get some pastel my choice and draw your feeling. They dont have to make sence or look a certain way. But atleast you can see and feel what you are relly feeling.I have many sketch pads and ther all dated and i use diffrent colors to exspress each feeling. After I take a look at it and it gives me a sence on what I'm dealing with that day.

I use these to methods because for one I cant take meds and two I dont know how to do it any other way.I hope these help you in any way and there is someone alway who can help in some little way.

                                  chrissy

[ayla]

If you're reading 'Atlas Shrugged', you can't be doing all that bad!!  
But you may be dwelling on unproductive thoughts.  Prescription drugs may help.  It also sounds like you need a change of perspective. Volunteer work?  It has helped me tremendously.

[fenreer]

Thanks all, I appreciate the responses.  I will see about getting on some medication.  That transition from child to adult/no traction comment certainly has me thinking on a different wavelength.  Much thanks.

[washappy]

I am 57 years old and for the 1st 55 years, I lived a very happy and fullfilled life. The past 2 years have been "hell". I had sold my business and moved to another country with my wife and 3 children. After 2 years, they told me that they were not happy and missed their friends and family. At the time, I was running a very successful business. My family moved back "home" and I stayed behind and flew back every 2 weeks for 7 years. I was in the Travel business and 9/11 made it impossible to make a living and I had no other choice than to declare bankruptcy and move back with my family. I missed 7 years of my children growing up and left my wife to be the mother and the father.
I have been back for 2 years and have not worked. I have found myself to be a "stranger" in my own home. Depression set in and I sought professional help. I took a variety of anti-depressants. Unfortunatelly, my body cannot tolerate these drugs and every one made me terribly sick. After 1 or 2 pills, I found myself be-ridden, hardly able to keep my head up. Each one gave me extreme nausea and headaches along with tremendous anger. Because of my age, I cannot find a job that even pays minimum wage and my wife is working, (slaving), 12 hours a day at a hair salon while I sit at home cooking and cleaning and sleeping. I have gone from a person who was always happy and confident to a person who feels that my life has no purpose. Suicide has crossed my mind and as the days pass I spend more and more time about taking my life. I no longer smile; I no longer have any friends and my relationship with my wife, after 30 years, is unbearable. During the time that my business was failing, I turned to drinking, although it has been 3 years since I have taken a drink. My days starts with the thought that I cannot wait for it to be over and some mornings I wake up disappointed that I did not die in my sleep.

If there is anyone out there that feels this way, I would like to hear from you. If there is anyone out there that FELT that way and was able to get past it without drugs, you could be of great help to me.

I would appreciate any help that anyone can give me.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is a cure for this, and you are engaging in the first part of it by seeing your therapist weekly.  The second part is to get some good antidepressant medication like Zoloft, Paxil or Celexa.  Go to your doctor and ask him for a prescription or a referral to a psychiatrist who will prescribe this in the right amount and follow up with you.  That is the best way to deal with this..the combination of therapy and medication.  Then you start getting your life together with friends, and a career, and all will be well.   Part of this is just being lost between having been a child and now being an adult without a solid track to give you traction and organization in your life.  Look for that.

[Moogler]

Now, I'm no expert, but I have gone through roughly the same thing. So I'll give you some things I did. First, you need to confide in someone. It can be someone from the virtual community, or someone who can be right there beside you. Yes, a therapist can help, but I mean...only to a certain extent. The extent that a mental disorder book will allow them to see. You need someone, anyone, who can relate. It helps open things up, and releasing the pain deep inside, much easier. Once you have spoken to someone, continue to tell them anything you need to, and ask them for help when you need it. For one, I offer my support, as apparently, I can help a great deal.... My e-mail is:

auron_templar***@****

Either e-mail me, or add me to any chatting service that supports MSN, and I'll be glad, and do my best to help you, and give you any other advice you would like.

[Alacard]

I am not an expert but I do know a bit about the the subject of major depression. It seems to me that what you are discribing
is cause to ask for help with some sort of medication from your psychiatrist.
I can tell you that alcohol and depression don't mix with an expectation of getting well. Alcohol is not only a depressent, but what a lot people who experienced major depression would probably tell you is that suicide, "being a safety net for the emotional pain" is EXTREMELY within reach with just a little push from the rise in uninhabition from alcohol. "Also being a safety net for emotional pain". As tempting as it is Please try and stay away from alcohol.
  I know that with major depression no one will be able to talk you out of it and it seems as though nothing will help. If you can not confide in anyone personally then you are doing the next best thing by asking for help anonmously. Seek professional help when you can for for your depression. It can get a lot worse.
  I also found out myself, that when people try to help and say "take a day at a time", that's sound advice. But as in my case I had to take it one step further and had to take it "one minute at a time."
  I found that group sessions with a therapist present helped in my case. That was after months of major depression. There is no quick cure that I know of and not all remedies will work with any certain person. Find a doctor to diagnose your problems and stick with the medication if some are prescribed.
  As hard as it may seem for some one to tell you, keep some person or persons for support and keep trying, talking, medication, groups, therepy, whatever it takes.....Because believe it....It DOES GET BETTER...
  I know that seems like overstated words..... But this is comming from a person that had a bout of depression so bad for 4 years that at one point I was hospitalized for not breathing because that was to much for me to handle at the time. I just plainly stopped breathing, let alone move.  I hope like heck no one would have to go through that. Looking back on it, I had people around me that did care, but I didn't know it at the time.
  I care, let me listen, if you don't mind.