Where are my emotions?

[Jerome]

Just recently I suffered a severe bout of depession: I lost a lot of weight and was sleeping about 3 hrs a night. This went on for months. Then one day not too long ago I woke up and the depression and anxiety was "gone" so to speak, and not in a good way. I became convinced that I had lost my mind. I ended up in the hospital for 16 days after trying to harm myself because I felt I had "gone crazy." I developed all kinds of symptoms such as: problems thinking, extreme dry mouth, a feeling like there was a lump in my throat. I'm out now, and I'm taking 2.5 mg of Zyprexa. I feel much better than I did, and no longer have symptoms of thought blocking, dry mouth, flat facial expession, etc. In short, I no longer feel psychotic. The problem is, ever since that day that the depression was "gone" I can no longer feel certain things. The depression never really returned, but then neither did some of my other emotions. I feel numb in a way, and sometimes apathetic. The docs. tell me it's the medication, but my lack of emotion started before I was ever in the hospital and taking medication.  I'm very concerned that I'll never be the same.

[inter~BARK_]

whoa...there seem to be alot more people with this than i had previously thought...for the past 2 years i've just been getting sort of "numb" to everything...I lost my best friend and grandfatherandnieghborandanothergoodfriend after that which really killed me and i couldn't really cry or be sad about it for the first year but as a yearafter came around i found myself randomly breaking out in to horrible day long "fits" of complete agony about the situation that lasted for about 3 months and after that...nothing...since then i haven't been able to cry or feel compassionate, and its really affecting my relationships with other people... i can't really keep any friendships going, and i really don't want to put in the effort too, and lost my girlfriend, who is an amazing person...just started to hate my incredible-"stagnancy"  .   I've also been developing signs of schizophernia(spelling?)and have been diagnosed OCD and bipolar.  Along with my extremely avoidant personality, (my only friends being my ex-girlfriend,  i get sick whenever someone touches me, and can't breathe when people try to talk to me,  don't answer any phone calls that arrive at my house)  had been slowly recovering from anorexia (until i went back and now the doctors are angry with me which makes my anti-social, scared of people personality even more noticable...)  but the only time i ever really feel any emotion now is when i lose control of my body and just have to watch as things happen (and i get damaged via self-infliction) and my only emotion then is an odd state of fear and confusion....  sorry for babbling...umm....its good to know i'm not alone i guess....  ***@****

[always_believe]

I've finally found some other people who share the same problem as I do!  I guess I really never knew how to put it into words other than just to say that I have no feelings.  I am 36 years old.  I had panic attacks from as far back into my early childhood as I can remember.  They got worse with age.  I finally go some help after high school around age 19 or 20 with therapy and medication.  Sometime after that, I went to the other end of the spectrum, depression.  Looking back now and being in and out of therapy, I now realize the depression was always there, but it was low grade depression, (Dysthymia).  I have been anxiety free since the age of 20 but depressed ever since.  I've experienced 3 major depressions since that time and in and out of therapy depending on if could afford it or what insurance carrier my employer had at the time.  I'm stable now but still experience deep depression around the time of my period.  I was also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism (more depression) so my meds had to be adjusted.  As far as the feelings or emotions go....the only way I know how to explain it is that I've had MOMENTS of happiness or joy.  I can only recall feelings of true joy and getting excited about things back in high school.  But by my senior year I started losing all feeling and caring.  Since that time I have mangaged to stay afloat somehow but I still don't really feel much.  I'm stable now and I have a job I love and enjoy the work as well as the people I work with, but again these are only MOMENTS of fleeting pleasure.  I don't date anymore simply because I just don't care. Through the years I have let my friends slowly drift away, I would not bother to keep in contact, and I get tired of trying to explain to people who don't understand.  I don't fault them, it's just that I can't relate anymore.  I seem to be ok at work and at school as I am attending college right now.  These seem to be my only drives or motivation for going out the front door in the morning.  I still have goals, I just don't have the feelings that go along with them.  I would appreciate anyone keeping in touch with me as an e-mail buddy that can relate.  I've isolated myself quite a bit.  It disturbs me sometimes how I have come to be this isolated, yet I don't care.  It doesn't even seem to bother me, it's almost likea a comfort.  But I feel the root of that may be that I don't have to deal with anything.  My apartment is a wreck since I clean only when I feel like it.  If you were to see me at work or in school you would never know as I have been wearing many faces for so many years....it gets quite tiresome at times.  Sometimes in a public setting I don't even have anything to say to anyone....I draw a blank or I simply just get quite bored with someone's conversation.  As you can see, I haven't had anyone to talk to so this had been good therapy for me to type this all out.  I would appreciate any responses as I still feel like I'm the only one sometimes.  I look forward to hearing from anyone.  always_believe***@****

[LoreRN]

I can totally relate to you.  I think i felt that way for a couple of years.  Ireally felt as if nothing was real.  And it lasted forever.  I believe that I finally started to trust myself again and that brought about slow change.  I was truly afraid of myself and the thoughts that I had.  I still go through depressive episodes and continue to take medication but I have not felt as if I was lost.  Keep on keeping on.  With depression it is truly one day at a time.  Also keep in mind that eventually the depression will let up.  You cna do it!

[CarolB]

Contact me on ***@****

I have many christian contacts who would
love to help you and prayer for you

Write soon

Your friend and prayer partner

Carol in Netherlands

[Jerome]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. Hopefully you are right and my feelings will return.

[doggies]

Things will get better for you as you get better, I believe.

I too suffered from severe depression and had psychotic features.  I take an antidepressant and an antipsychotic.  I think it was therapy that helped me.  The medication quieted the turmoil, but I think it was the work done in therapy that changed so much of the "bad."  Before and after the medication I felt numb, depressed, empty, and desperate and the therapy didn't help right away. I was a real mess and I thought suicide was my only hope of relieving the pain and turmoil and emptiness in my life.  It took a while but now things are so great for me.


Hang in there.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Both you and your doctors are right. It is partially the medication, but its also true that people in your situation become "scared" of their own emotions, and block them to protect against a depression or a psychosis.

As you become more confident in your recovery, you will be less scared and you can let your self feel again.  Try being alert to the small feelings everyday as a way of getting started.

[Jeanette]

HI!!!  I can totally relate to what you are saying.  I too cannot feel or show emotion.  Before the depression I was extreamly sensitive and emotional.  NOW... I cannot love or even feel a connection with my boyfriend which is stressful.  things have happened that I want to cry or that I should cry about... and I just let it pass by like it was nothing.  Things that should make me happy ie. my boyfriend, I could care less about.  I was diagnosed with depression about 6 and a half months ago and was first on 40mg of Paxil and have recently switched to Wellbutrin with 5mg of Paxil.  I feel somewhat better, but the emotions and feelings are no where near back.  I am tired of the whole waiting game that doctors keep saying "Soon Jeanette..."  All in time...... 6 MONTHS????  If I have to start this cycle again................. but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone :o}  if you would like to email me my email address is    ***@****
Take Care and keep your chin up :o}
Jeanette