always feel ill on Fridays - how to handle somatisation?

[Eleison]

Fridays are one of my days off work [Sunday is the other day]. It's also the first day of the weekend break from therapy. Although this weekend is slight different in that it's the start of the August therapy break.

Typically, the past couple of months I've felt ill on Fridays. More 'malaise' rather than ill. Like I'm coming down with something, and then I don't. It sets in in the afternoon, when I feel completely crushed by it and have to lie down, and usually sleep for a few hours.
Exhausted, dizzy, tight chest, headache, churning stomach, tickly throat.
I have a tendency to panic/anxiety, and also somatisation of emotions. I also have a lot of attachment distress from the past which I'm slowly working through - and trying not to beat myself up for dependency feelings.

We're working in therapy with how the somatisation is basically an attack on myself, and looking at meeting my self attack with love rather than further self attack.

I was wondering if anyone here has any feedback on how to compassionately manage somatoform symptoms related to very early trauma  - and later abuse? The intense ache of need and longing, and being met with loneliness.
In some ways I've answered myself. Containment. That's what I do when I curl up under my blankets or duvet of a Friday afternoon, cuddly my soft toy and going to sleep.
But what I'm after really is ways into not falling into the somatisation in the first place - and ways to accept rather than attack intense dependency feelings - allow them to be what they are. But it's such a fight!

I don't know whether trying to get more friendships in my life would help, or whether I won't be able to do that because my psyche wipes me out once a week and paralyses me as it were. How to break the cycle, but compassionately?

I feel rather vulnerable posting this, but am hoping that it will help me explore things - through articulating it, and also getting feedback from people here.

[Jaquta]

It is a huge step.
I experience that tugging as being very black or white -I either give into it, or I don't.  
I too want to withdraw so my big success for today is to write to you.
I think the secret may be to intervene before the pull/ tug grabs hold.  I think identifying and acknowledging how we feel may help us come up with useful strategies to break the cycle.

I struggle with containment issues too.  I think one of the better ways for me to feel contained (or distract from not being contained) is to be doing meaningful activity.  Almost by giving myself purpose and direction or a sense of self.  It almost gives me a sense of boundary which in turn I find containing.

My last T drew that boundary between myself and my m(other) as having spaces (instead of being a solid line).  This leaves us more vulnerable.  It also means other things are much easier to penetrate our defenses.

I've been overlooking the fact that I've been doing as you have.  I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and I've been having headaches, sore this and sore that, etc.  It's not a very adaptive coping mechanism.  Or I at least don't feel better for doing it.
It's definitely hard to deal with things when we get to that burnt out phase (when we can't tolerate the emotions).

My previous T thought she could address somatic memories by using EMDR.  My understanding is that that was suppose to tap into those latent memories.  She thought this would help me with my anxiety.  The negative memories she wanted to address were related to car accidents and psych admissions.
She said that research had shown neurons to have spines, etc.

When you talk about pre-verbal stuff it makes me feel confident that you have a good T.

Good luck with all this stuff.

J

[Eleison]

Yes, Jaquta, it is a lot to do with my providing my own containment, and fears I won't be able to. Back to the very first days of my life when I was a premature newborn separate from my mother. And life in my family which was very isolated, and with an unstable father.
You've understood somatisation correctly. I think in my case, with the help of therapy, I have started to own and feel the feeling beneath, but that feeling at times can feel completely overwhelming, and hence floods out into physical symptoms.

So. Dr. Gould, yes. It does help to recognise them as somatic memories. I hadn't quite taken the step to look at them that way. I can feel the connection, but can't quite fully make it join into dialogue state yet. Maybe because so much of it is pre-verbal memory? Feeling memories.

It's Friday afternoon here again, and I can feel It pulling me in again. The malaise, the sleepiness, the pull to withdraw. I'll do my best to keep busy, at the same time as holding an open mind for dialogue and exploration. Feels a huge step.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

It may help you remember that all of the feelings you're struggling with are somatic memories.  Your mind is acting like a mental reflex.  That is the starting point of a dialogue within yourself.  If you only try to manage your feelings you will not be making use of the insight you are getting in therapy.  You have to continue the dialogue with yourself which means you accept the mental reflex as a memory, then, spend some time understanding what it means to you, and then put your energy into making your life work which in this case you already have your own suggestion which is to make new friends.

[Jaquta]

It sounds like you have good insight into your issues.  I expect this is happening due to your fears of abandonment and feeling overwhelmed by the need to provide the containment yourself rather than have it come from work or therapy.  Typically there is also less emotional support available during the weekends when people engage more fully in their own lives.  I.e., they're not at work.  Sometimes having this structure (availability) disrupted can cause extreme emotional distress.

I think treating yourself with compassion and understanding can be very important.  For me I feel a bit confused because I thought somatization was when an individual attributed physical symptoms to emotional issues.  For example, instead of feeling abandoned and uncontained you will feel this as say dizziness or fatigue or a headache.  Perhaps by viewing it as unfulfilled needs (relationships and containment) you will be less inclined to attribute the feelings to physical symptoms.
I did this early on when I was depressed.  I felt tired, I had headaches all the time, I had trouble with my vision, etc.  I felt these were the problems.  They weren't, that was merely how I was expressing my emotional distress.  I had no insight into this.

My T used this thing that I've found helpful.  It goes:  needy  ->  greedy.
When we don't have our needs met (the need for attachments and containment, etc) we become greedy.  That too can be expressed in many ways.  For me that can be by emotional eating, by posting more because I want/ need the contact and in many, many more different ways.

Give yourself permission to feel that way.  Sometimes it can help by saying that everything is understandable given your history (background, life experiences).  And often we're doing the best we can with the skills we do have at any one moment.  Don't judge yourself for where you are.  This, I think, is what your T is trying to get you to achieve.  To not make matters worse by judging yourself for where you are.  Instead of berating yourself, accept yourself and be kind to yourself.  From there you will be better able to change.

I think participating in any activity would be useful.  Anything to distract yourself.  Friendships will help fill the void and some of those needs will be met (in a healthy and constructive way).

I have some similar issues to you.  Issues of attachment, containment, etc.
I was wondering if you would find some of the dbt skills useful.  They can be found on the net or there is a free on-line class and discussion group you can participate in.  www.***@****.  

Thank you for sharing this with us.  I understand how vulnerable and threatened it can leave you feeling.

J