going out of my mind #2

[Terrified&Confused]

There is something going on with me.  It seriously scares me to death.  This is what happens to me. At night when I am going to bed I have strange thoughts.  As I lay there I become so scared that someone is going to break into our home while we are sleeping and kill us.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You are not crazy, but you are dealing with an enormous amount of unconscious anger that comes through at night as dreams and fears, and during the day as obsessive thoughts intruding into your life.  You can be helped in many ways, so please see a psychiatrist who will treat you with a combination of some medications to help you immediately, and some very good talk therapy.  My guess is the traumatic death of your policeman boyfriend  is the immediate trigger of this, and your response to this happening has been blocked for a long time, and is now coming up,despite the fact that you are too busy with your full life, you have to make time to deal with this professionally.

[jsuzanne]

You have an obsessive thought disorder.

[Terrified&Confused]

I toss and turn all night and even moved my daughters bed into my room.  It was so bad that I got out of bed around 2 am and went to the kitchen, livingroom, and my daughters room and nailed all the windows shut with these huge nails, each window has about 3-4 nails in them.

As I am trying to go to sleep, I have these "mini-visions" or "mini-dreams" about someone killing us, stabbing us, and dismembering us, etc.  Last night I woke up and thought I saw someones face in front of me.  I closed my eyes and turned over.  Had another mini-dream where my daughter and I were walking down the street and my daughter was smashed, literally, by a car.  

Also, when I watch movies where someone is being killed I get these thoughts and visions in my head where I am killing my current boyfriend in the same manner.  I would never hurt him and its not like I plan things out or have details of hurting or killing someone, but this is what happens to me.  

Then sometimes, for no reason at all, when I am driving and see someone walking or riding their bike, I think of how it would be to hit them with my car.  When I am driving, sometimes, if I am feeling depressed or upset, I think of how it would feel to drive into oncoming traffic or off the side of a bridge.  I would NEVER do this, ESPECIALLY with my beloved daughter in the car.  Never.  I would never hurt her in any way, and never have.  Sometimes when she is throwing a tantrum though, I get these thoughts in my head that I think are really happening and I pick her up and throw her at the wall.  THIS WAS A THOUGHT, I DID NOT DO THIS.

I have terrible dreams.  Horrible dreams.  People dying.  Bad things happening.  People I love mostly.  I wake up 10-15 times a night when they are bad.  On average though, I wake up 3-5 times a night.  I cannot remember my dreams sometimes.  I wish I couldn't remember any of them.  The other night, I was cutting up chicken breasts for dinner and got a visual of taking the knife and killing my friend who was over.  I visualized myself walking into the livingroom and actually doing it.  This is not normal.  Something is seriously wrong here.  I cannot control these thoughts.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I would not 'give a ****' if my brother or parents died.  My brother is a mean SOB and my mom enables him and she is very rude and belittling.  I hold no ill will towards them, nor do I wish bad things to happen, so why do I feel like a sociopath (no conscience) when I get these feelings about them?

I am one of those bighearted people who will give their last time to someone who needs it more than me.  I take my daughter special lunches at school and eat with her once a week, we go to the park, we have movie night with pizza once a week, and she is my entire life.  I am one of those people who cried on September 11th and who cry when the news comes on and someone gets hurt or killed.  I despise child molestors, rapists, and murderers....I am in college to help other people and stop evil people, so why am I having these things happen to me?  I am the last person anyone would ever point a finger at to hurt someone, but then again so were most serial killers.  Am I becoming something evil?  How do I stop this?  What am I?  What do I do?  

One more thing, when I am feeling really bad, mainly at night after my daughter is in bed...I get these urges to drink and to cut myself.  Its like if I cut my arm or something, it is like an 'instant feel good'.  Hard to explain how though.  I have not cut since I was 14 though.  

There are more things I could say that happen to me, but I think what I have said so far is enough to scare you for one day.

I know people are are truly 'crazy' do not know they are crazy.  By me trying to stop this and not acting on these evil thoughts, I know I am NOT crazy, so what the hell is going on?  PLEASE help.