my mind is worn and so is my life, help

[whoislarry]

bit of bg

Single parent home living with dad whos a drunk, and really messes with my mind alot, like i know its something small but years of stuff like this really has messed my confidence up big time, its like my mind has been completely worn out, I study, im 20, but im dealing with home pressures that should have gone when i was like 14, my head hurts so much, i do sometimes want it to stop, whether that means the uh-oh, which ill never do, but just to consider it is enough of a mindwarp,

im thinking of leaving here to go back to my moms, not lived with her since i was 5, and since that point i barely see her, miss her alot too but there the cards life deals,
ive had the offer to have their spare room, its a motivating environment, my dads never looked at a piece of work/art/anything even concerning me, hes probably proud in his own way but its a way thats messed me up i feel. my head hurts so much here, yet over there im refreshed and motivated, ill be away from everything i know at my moms, different lifestyle, no 4am gaming sessions, proper cooked meals, family values, maybe thats what i missed and why, not dysfunctional per se, im not too good socially anymore, my confidence is wiped like the energy from my body, im just dead in the water here...

should i make the drastic change, it is a whole new life away from everything here, i mean outside my house its great i love it, inside where i am mostly i feel im slowly twisting, it hurts alot as im a very chilled out, objective and confident guy in my element but here i feel weak and powerless and just numb to everything

so, should i stay or should i go?

I stay, i keep easy living by not working yet suffer hardships from the mental pressure from him
or go, new lifestyle, job, happy times, more effort

thats what im scared of i think effort, i havent had to here as ive just been left, supported but left alone, over there im not alone and i have the opportunity to support myself?

help me someone?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Nobody can make this decision for you, but you have already made it, it seems to me, in the way you present the alternatives...one is growth and freshness ( mother); the other is staleness and being worn out and worn down.  It seems clear...what probably stands in your way is that it is a move toward real independence, and that scares you. I can only tell you that real independence is worth more than anything you can imagine right now, and is the healthy way to go.

[crzychick]

First off you say "single parent home" does that mean you live IN a single parent home or that YOU are a single parent?  If YOU are the single parent then you need to RUN to get out of that home.  Not only for yourself but for your child.  The pressure you are feeling is going to be felt by the child.

If you are not a parent you still need to go.  You need to find yourself.  It's scary to leave a life you have settled into. But what you describe is unhealthy and I believe you already know that or you wouldn't be asking us.

If your Mother is willing to take you in, accept the offer.  It is a good way to get on your feet slowly.  You get the chance to devote your time to your studies, possibility get a part-time job and save money to eventually get a place of your own.  

Think of the pride you will feel to be in charge of your own life.  To set your own rules. To be strong.  You are 20 it's time to face the real world. It's not as bad as you think it is.   It can be a wonderful place if you give it a chance.  

[whoislarry]

i left alot off here i think about living off coffee and cigs, eating a bag of crisps at most a day, been like this for weeks, im not losing weight so maybe im balancing it but i feel so weak, feel **** inside doesnt help it, takes away my appetite even more

i dont think i have an eating disorder, i think im so depressed i just dont want to eat if that makes sense, its more the depression than a specific eating thing, im just not hungry

i dunno, maybe i should go start anew, be good confidence building maybe... ideas? once i go i cant come back tho, my dad will have sold the house and be back at his moms, as many times its been drilled into me, as soon as your (I) gone, im gone

:'(