obsessive love help

[Richter_Belmont]

doctor im experiencing obsessive love.

heres my short case.

we have a maid/helper. and im very attracted to her. at night because im always awake at night. i started to clean everything so when she wake up everything is clean. when im on my room i always thinking of her. even if i don't like to think about her i can't. its uncontrollable. even if i do things like playing video games, while playing i think of her.  i always dream of her. maybe 4 times a week. i feel very jealous when she talk to the other guy. this guy i believe also like her. and they are talking everyday. and i don't talk to her. i know i can't be the guy to her. but my emotion is obsess to her. even if tried to explain to my self that this is wrong. my emotion (its like it has a mind of its own) never listen to me.
there are times were i smell her used clothes. and i feel good when i do that.

right now im look sick. my back started to ache (tooth edge pain). my expression of my eye change. and my expression of my face in the mirror looks dead. i look horrible. when ever i walk outside those people i encountered. always stare at me and some stay away from me.

i need your help doctor. im a loner. and my expression of my eyes looks like an addict (scary big with smile expression eyes). which i can't control it to change it for better.

but i know that i will not do anything criminal or violent act. because my mind was kind of split into two. my reason side doesn't affect by emotion and vice versa. so i believe i will not do anything bad physically to anyone. and i don't take drugs or any vices.

but my emotion is really the problem i can't control it. specially my feelings to her...
i thank you in advance for your help.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

It seems to be that the real problem you need to address is being a loner. That means you don't have other emotionally rich and real relationships to nourish you, and that makes you prone to these kind of in-the- mind love obsessions.  Think of it this way, this obsession tells you what you want...now you have to change your behavior so you have a chance of getting it..not necessarily this woman, but a real relationship....Try psychotherapy.....if you can't afford it or it isn't available in your country, try to work on fixing your life patterns by going to www.myvirtualshrink.com.

[Jaquta]

Not helping her is about setting boundaries.  
If you help her (or do all the work for her) then she may not be needed.  If you're happy to do the work and have the time to do it, etc then ask her to leave.  If not, then let her do the job she is being employed to do.  Don't confuse the poor woman -it's not fair on her.  It may even make her feel redundant and affect her self-esteem.  She may even feel as though she is being taken advantage of.  It gets too confusing for everyone.
It's nice to treat the person with respect and not make her job excessively difficult but ... just let her do her job.

Maybe working for her made you feel more connected to her.  So perhaps while you were working the thoughts seemed less intense/ less intrusive.
Which kind of goes back to what the doctor said about engaging in real relationships.  You may like to reread his comments and to use them as a guide to help you.  The answer to this does lie there.

Wanting to help others is a good thing.  People need to be able to do some things for themselves though.  This is how we learn and grow.  It's like working through our personal problems.  As much as others would like to help us (and we would like them to help us), it is our responsibility to make changes.  It is our journey and nobody can take it for us.  People can carry us at times (like the hobbits in Lord of the Rings) but for the most part it is ours alone to take.

My guess is that if you stop the behavior you may be replacing it with another or with other thoughts.  ??
Maybe you've done enough work in therapy to understand and stop it.

That's a good point.  Premeditated crimes do include planning and I guess some of that could be considered or perceived as stalking.
I think there are a lot of different reasons why people steal.  Some I expect do it for survival, some just for the sake of it or because they're bored.  Some because that's the environment they've been brought up in.  Some for financial gain.
But most I expect because there is something they don't have or don't have enough of.  Probably more emotional than anything else.

I think anxious dispositions can cause a lot of unwanted attention.  And often that attention is unwarranted.  Not always though.

It sounds like the game/s were becoming a huge problem.  I agree that it is unhealthy when we become too entrenched in something at the exclusion of everything else.
Perhaps the staff also watched you because they were concerned about you.  ??

I think you really need to look at what the doctor said.  I think until there is balance and you establish some healthy friendships/ relationships that you will keep substituting the behavior.  Games -> women  ->  ?.
I'm probably the same.  Until I engage in some healthy relationships I'll look to other things to cope.  Food, exercise, the internet, romance novels -they're all poor substitutes for real relationships.

Thank you for helping me to re-focus on what I need to be addressing.

Keep exploring all this in therapy.  You'll get there.  Just keep in your mind the doctors comments about relationships though.

[Richter_Belmont]

"Wouldn't the behavior (and role playing, to a degree) be limited to when you're playing the game?  No?  You're consumed (addicted, obsessed) by it so you take it with you."

when ever i play this game. i started to lose interest about my self and anything in real world. its like i want to stay in the game forever.. so obsessive that i don't want to stop.

there is a time when i have plenty of money. and i played this game (rent in internet cafe) for 26 hours non stop. i  started to feel bad. but i said to my self it doesn't matter. for the sake of this game i will continue playing it..

when ever i go home after i play, i also think of it. imagine of it, daydream of it. its like i continue that game in my mind.. thats how im obsessed to that game..

and this woman too..

[Richter_Belmont]

sorry for double (last)

i also think maybe those bad guys who love to steal things to the strangers
also suffer from obsession. that they're obsess on the stuff of other people.
and when they plan and start to get the stuff of that person they begin to stalk her/him.

which is kinda similar to me. but the intention is different. thats why im look like a bad guy. hehe. ^_^

[Richter_Belmont]

yes. its easy to change the behavior than thoughts. if you want to change your bad behavior by fighting it with thoughts, thats really hard and stressful. but to control the behavior it self is much more easier.

right now i stop playing this video games on any internet cafe. and my obsession to it was gone. it really feels good.

and to the woman that i obsessively love (in my house), i stop helping her. but don't get me wrong... not helping her is not being bad to her but to stop this obsession...

one cause of stalking (not bad intention) is a "desire to help others" in a way that it become obsessive.

after i stop this physical act. this mental thoughts about her is gone.
compared before that i fight this obsession to her in my thoughts which is so hard and it drive me nuts.

so behavior is easier than thought.. wow.

thanks again for the reply jacuta.

[Jaquta]

It almost sounds as though you become a little possessive of it.
It must be hard for you to relax so you can enjoy your game when you feel staff constantly watching you.

Wouldn't the behavior (and role playing, to a degree) be limited to when you're playing the game?  No?  You're consumed (addicted, obsessed) by it so you take it with you.

It sounds like you're doing cognitive behavioral therapy where the focus is on thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Ages ago I was shown this triangle where at the points they have think, feel, do.
They said that by changing any one of those things that you can influence the others.
For example, by changing behavior you can change your thoughts and feelings.  Behavior is said to be easier to change than thoughts (?and feelings).

Whatever type of therapy you're doing you should keep it up as it sounds like you're learning a lot and making a lot of progress.
Sometimes seeing what's wrong is half the problem.  Once we're aware then we can start making changes.

Good luck with everything.

[Richter_Belmont]

hey finally everything is clear.

i know why im look like that and why people keeps away from me or they think that im gonna do something bad like stealing stuff.

because obsession ---> doing something on it (obsession) leads to stalking.

even though i don't have this bad intention. my personally became like a stalker.
so when im on the streets i kinda look like a stalker.. because of this obsession.

in my life im been obsessed on video games. specifically on Online games in an internet cafe.
im obsessed on this games because im only played it for 3 hours (rent). so i build this strong obsession to it. which change my personality to a stalker. so thats why when im playing in a internet cafe, the personnel there or the guards really keeps an eye on me.

and when on the streets when i walkm the people keeps away from me. or hold their stuff.

[Jaquta]

Working through obsessions and themes can take time.  It can be done though.
Once we regain control it will be good to have all that positive energy to focus on ourselves and our lives.  The doctor says it is about making our lives work.

Good luck with therapy.  It sounds as though it is a making a huge difference.

[Richter_Belmont]

hey thanks for your comments.

i ask a psychologist. and i told everything about it and he arrived at the  conclusion that i suffer from obsession. not only for that girl but many other things.

what happened when im obsessed in a thing or person. i focus everything on it and i started to lose interest on my self.

so right know  i'll just eliminate this obsessions that i have and after that the only thing that remain is myself. so i can focus to myself completely.

thanks again jacuta.

[Jaquta]

The doctor says that we aren't permanently damaged.  Or permanently 'wrecked' in your case.  Psychotherapy does help us to work through our issues.

Just through how you write it sounds as though things are better than when you last posted.  It sounds as though you have made some progress.  The thoughts still seem a bit of a problem though.  They can take some time to get to the bottom of.

I was thinking about the doctor's comment last night.  I had been wondering if I was going to spend my entire lifetime consumed with thinking about food, etc.  I guess I crave nurturing and real relationships too.  Something emotionally rich and nourishing.

[Richter_Belmont]

i thank you again doctor for your help. i already ask some of it here.

i think i really need to undergo on this psychotherapy because im really wrecked personally..

thanks again Dr. Roger.