Why won't this stop?

[Julie]

I am a 25 year old female who has been diagnosed with ocd, panic disorder, and depression.  Up until 2 weeks ago I was 'fine' and now am caught in a whirlwind of obsessive thoughts and fantasies.  I have the constant thought that I am going crazy, will loose control, and truly believe I have either schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.
I can't get these thoughts out of my head to the point that I can't eat or sleep.  I hear running water and it sounds like whispering voices to me and I start to panic believing that I'm losing my mind.  My Dr. said this is an illusion and not a hallucination-but what's the difference?  He says I'm obsessed with going crazy, is this possible?  I just feel I've lost it!  Please help.

[friend]

Betty:
Looks like Henry Ford Health System didn't see your post because it was added as a comment to someone else's.  

You need to enter your post as a a new one.  CLICK ON "START" at the top and follow prompts.

There is a lot of help available for adults who were abused as childred.  Ask your Dr. for a psychology referral.  Get books on-line or at local bookstores, e.g. "Children of Trauma" by Jane Middelton-Moz, and "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Geringer Woititz . . . choices are MANY.  Your local paper probably lists support groups and meeting times/locations too.

Help is available.
Best of luck - stay the course.

[Betty]

I HAVE BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIRTIST FOR 7 YER. I WAS AN ABUSED CHILD, SEUALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND MENTALLY,  MY MOM PUT IN TO A T.B. SANITARIUM WHEN I WAS TWO, I WAS LIVING WITH MY FATHERS FAMILY AND MY GRANDMOTHER ESPECIALLY WAS SO CRUEL TO ME, SHE SAID ROTTON THINGS, AND I WAS ONLY ACHILD, IT WAS COLD, I WAS PUNISHED ALOT FOR N OTHING, HATEFUL ATMOSPHERE, MY FATHER STARTED DRINKING AND MADE THINGS WORST, I NEVER KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT FREOM HIM, HE SAID HE WOULD HIT ME WHERE MARKS WOULD NOT SHOW, MY MOM DIED WHEN I WAS 12..LEAVING ME WITH MY DAD WHO USED TO CALL ME THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, I HEARD THAT AND WORST, BEFORE I WAS 12.....I FELT ABANDONED, REJECTED BY MY CARETAKERS AND AT THERE MERCY, MY ABUSERS, MY FAMILY, I HAD A DRUG DEPENDANCE PROV=BLEM, NO DOUBT, AND IVE BEEN CLEAN 13 YRS...MY HUSBAND AND I ARE SEPERATED AND ITS OK FOR SECURITY REASONS, HES HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE, DOESNT WANT DIVORCE, AND HES THE ONLY FAMILY I HAVE..NOT MUCH...NO SISTERS, BROTHERS,(DIED), NO NEICES, NEPHEWS, NO FATHER, SOMETIMES, I FEEL MY LIFE WILL NEVER CHANGE. IM 53 AND I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE FEELINGS OF ANXIETY OF WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF ME, IF IM SICK, WILL I EVER KNOW LOVE,IT GETS SO BAD I CAN GO ON CRYING SPRESS AND THOUGHTS OF SUICDE, JUST TO STOP PAIN, I CAN BE FINE AND SOMTHING WILL TRIGGER ME OFF, AND IM THAT FRIEGHTENED LITTLE GIRL..MY PSYCH KNOWS THIS, WE TALK, SHE MEDICATES, BUT I DONT FEEL THIS WILL EVER GO AWAY. I DONT LIKE THIS CONSTANT FEELING OF ABANDONMENT, LEFT ALONE, ITS SCARY. IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR ADULTS WHO WERE ABUSED AS CHILDREN....YOU SEE, WE NEVER OUTGROW THAT PEIN, THE ROOTS ARE DEEP, AND HORRIBLE WHEN YOUR MIND IS YOUR ENEMY...IT TAKES CONTROL NO MATTER HOW I TRY NOT TO REACT.....ANY ADVISE, PLEASE...LOSING IT FAST.OVERWHELMED WITH SADNESS SOMTIMES, AND I AM SO BUSY SO IM NOT DWELLING ,BUT IT FEELS LIKE A DEATH , AND IT WONT GO AWAY. THANK YOU.

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

Julie,

It must be difficult dealing with the obsessive thoughts that you describe. Without a thorough evaluation, it will be impossible for me to determine if you also have schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder. The latter two conditions have been dealt with extensively in this forum, and you may search through our archives for more information on them. An illusion is a misperception of real external sensory stimuli (such as mistaking  bedroom curtains in the dark for a person), whereas a hallucination is a sensory misperception that is not based on real images or sensations (such as hearing or seeing things that no one else can).  

There are studies suggesting that the best treatment for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is a combination of medications such as the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Luvox, etc) and cognitive-behavioral therapy. I urge you to discuss your concerns further with your treating physician/psychiatrist.

[Karen]

Julie, I totally agree with Allison.  I too suffer from depression, aniexty and ocd and recently went through a terrible bout of depression but wasn't sure "what was going on" (this was before I was diagnosed with depression, ocd) so I started doing research on different mental disorders because I just knew I was going crazy.  The more I researched the more I convinced myself I was losing my mind.  My mind really started messing with me.  I would here a noise and my imangination would go wild.  I would find myself questioning everything I heard, read, thought, seen.  These thoughts were continuous, which created more aniexty and depression which made all my "observatons" even more real.  It was so bad I lost 10 pounds in a week.  Everything I read about severe mental illness I was "suddenly" developing the symptoms.  I convinced myself that I either had schizophrenia or going crazy.  Finally I went to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me.  At first I refused to beleive him when he told me I was experiencing depression. ocd, aniexty because I kept having theses bad thoughts and feelings over and over.  My mind was having a great time messing with me.  But as the medication began to work along with therapy, I began to see the "light" and knew my Dr. was right all along.  So instead of researching the wrong illnesses I began to educate myself with what was really going on with me.  I've recovered well and you will too.  It just takes time.  Hang in there.

[Allison]

I just wanted to let you know that I have OCD, and during some of my bad bouts of it I get obsessed with the fear that I have schizophrenia.  I remember lying in my bed one morning convinced I was hallucinating the sound of a buzz saw far away out my window.  I was terrified.  But guess what?  There WAS a buzz saw being run outside my window.

I also, about six months ago during an excruciatingly stressful time of my life, developed the irrational fear/belief that my whole life was a hallucination, and that maybe I was curled up in the corner of some padded room somewhere.  Like typical OCD, I half believed it, half didn't.  I too, couldn't eat or sleep while wrapped up in these thoughts, and lost about five pounds in less than a week.

Through all of this, each time I poured out these bizarre fears to my therapist, he still knew the entire time that it was all OCD.  I guess there is a very fine line for those viewing the disorder which is a true hallucination and which is, as your doctor put it, an illusion.  But all I can say is, you sound a lot like me, and now that I'm out of my most recent OCD phase I'm positive I'm not crazy or schizophrenic.  My therapist was wonderful at teaching me how to recognize the power of my own imagination, and how to draw energy away from such frightening thoughts to the point where they just vanished.

Sometimes you just have to trust the observations of a professional.