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I am an only child. My parents divorced when I was about 1 yr old. It was just me and my mom until she remarried when I was 8 yrs old. She has 3 sisters and our family is very close. My mom has pretty much lived her life for me. Now I am newly married and have a 1 yr old child and I feel like I stress so much about what my family thinks (especially my mom). lately, my husband and I have had a few issues which we can work out on our own but my mom had to tell me that she feels like I am choosing my husband over her and that he is emotionally manipulating me and he has problems managing his finances. These things are either not true or they are things I can deal with on my own but I have a problem telling my mom this because I am so worried about hurting her. What do I do if my mom doesn't like my husband because she is too worried about me? If I tell her to mind her own business, she doesn't have another child whose business she could delve into so she will just be hurt but in the mean time, I am hurt and sad that my mom is not happy.
This is a very understandable and very familiar dilemma. Here's what you have to do...you have think of this as a campaign that will take place over time, one sure step at a time, during which you teach your mother that you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions, and managing your relationship with your husband. Don't think of it as simply one declaration born out of your own hurt. That would be too harsh...but in one way or another, constantly defend your boundaries, set limits, and insist on your own pathway. Your mother's hurt over losing her baby should not be the cause of your failed marriage..you don't have to choose between one or the other..you choose yourself and your own good judgement.
When a person gets married they " leave their father and mother and become one flesh" with their mate. So perhaps you can tactfully tell your mother that you appreciate her advice and concern. Maybe you may listen to her advice and apply it or maybe you won't. In the long run you, your husband, and baby are your own family now and the decisions for your family have to be made in your family. You and your mother are no longer a " family" , that was absolved when you married. So while you still have love for your mother ultimately it is not up to her to make the decisions in your family or to be hurt when your family doesn't follow her advice.
However to make her feel better perhaps there are things you don't mind getting her opinion on and at those times don't hesitate to ask. It may make her feel useful and wanted.
I fell victim to a continuation of controlling parents long into my life. It gets worse if you don't tactfully start slowly working on this. Like the doctor said, like a project. I allowed it to get to the point where I was holding my 2 year old baby girl and my Dad told me that my husband was useless. I defended my husband and said, 'you're saying this in front of his little baby girl. Don't do that. John is not a piece of s---." When I answered back at him, my Dad slapped me across the face while I was holding my daughter because I defending my husband. I was so devastated. My Mother always sided with my Dad no matter what he said or did. I was lost that day. Remember to work on this project of yours now and do a good job. I'm a Mother of a 28, 26, and 21 year old. My husband broke along time ago. He isn't a Rockefeller and isn't a great money maker, he's a simple person who likes the family environment and wishes it could have been different. Parents, unless they see something wrong should not create gossips to upset their kids marriages to be in control. It's a control thing in my opinion. Your MOm is still part of your family contrary to the last writer. My Mom stays with me all the time, but those old feelings of control still bother me. Listen to the Doctor. And you have to learn what I didn't, and be in control of your own life. I am slowly going there but it's late for me.
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