Why won't my husband keep a job and what can I do?

[fearfactor]

I have seriously considered divorcing my husband because of his lack of ability to keep a job.  He either gets fired from or quits every job he gets, some very good ones.  I am working right now, but don't make very much and we have two children. He quit a very good job he had last week because the boss "disrespected" him - he just WALKED off the job, again a good-paying one, not easy to come by in our economy, because of this.  With the holidays coming, our kids needing things, etc.  I am very depressed about this and don't know quite what to do.  I have tried talking to him about it but every time he just blows up and says I only think of him as a paycheck, he wouldn't get mad at me for getting fired (yeah right), etc.  What can I do before this marriage ends?  Today is our 6 year anniversary and I don't want to scrap an otherwise OK marriage due to this issue.  And we CAN'T afford counseling because of no insurance - how can you afford medical insurance or out of pocket counseling when hubby won't work?  Thanks for all advice.

[mayflowers]

Has your husband ever been treated for bi-polar disorder?  It sounds like he's a little paranoid and angry.   Those people will fly off the handle when they think they are being disrespected.  Actually I used to be like that but have since mellowed (meds, therapy, God).

You have a family together so he needs to help support you and the kids.  That's not asking too much at all.  He has to take care of his responsibiliites.   If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he needs to find a job and keep it b/c you can't make it on just your salary.  I know you said he blows up every time you talk to him about it, but how else are you supposed to get your point across unless you leave him and show by your actions that you won't tolerate his lack of employment?  Maybe wait for a time where you are calm and be rational yourself and he is more accepting of your concerns.  Timing is everything in these situations.

Hoping it all works out!  

[fearfactor]

No, he doesn't have bipolar - he has been psychologically evaluated and has NONE of the symptoms but thanks for the advice anyway.  

I'm not leaving because it's against my religious beliefs.  I am just so sick of even living, I am tired of trying.  Guess I will just get a second job.

[sara......]

I would NOT get a second job. This is almost like saying 'its okay for you to be irresponsible and walk away from jobs - I will take care of it all' when HE has a part in supporting his family!
Can you sit down and tell him that you are at the end of your rope, and that you have considered leaving in the past because you do not feel that he takes his responsibilities to his family seriously? This may make him realise how serious you are and that he needs to grow up.  I mean, you work, and I'm sure look after the kids too.
Please don't just get a second job, you would be validating his behaviour. Do not think he will feel automatically feel guilty if you get a 2nd job and change his ways.
Good Luck, sorry you are going through this!

[doodad]

Are you serious? get a second job? do yoiu want your kids to grow up thinking that its ok for an adult to walk out on thier family, thats what your husband is doing by not doing his part. this has nothing to do with you and the kids this had everything to do with your husband thinking that society owes him something. he needs to step up, be a man and take care of his family

[fearfactor]

No, I can't talk to him because he is verbally abusive, too.  If I were to try and talk to him it would just be him berating me and saying I think of him as only a paycheck and want him only for money.  I don't know what to do.  I am so sick of this man it's not even funny!

[sara......]

Wow, that is really bad.......I'm sorry but I could not be in a relationship like this - Can you?? It sounds like it is beyond salvaging, if you cannot even talk to him. I don't want to scare you, but your kids are going to grow up in a disfunctional household, and they may resent you one day for seeing you let yourself get walked all over - have you ever thought of leaving?
Please don't get a second job, like I said its just validating his bad behaviour.........
Sara

[green eyed lady]

Oh I would get another job alright...too save money so I could throw his sorry a*s out!! Good luck to you and you children.

[fearfactor]

I have considered divorce, believe me.  I am just too scared to do it.  It's almost like I am used to the abuse, even though it makes me hurt and sad.  Thanks for your advice, everyone.

[dove3053]

What are you doing? Do you think posting to this forum will solve your problems. I certainly can't hurt. It seems to me like your just sitting around complaining and not willing to do what is necessary to insure your well being and that of your children. So you have choices. You can continue to complain and people will feel sorry for you or you can start to take some positive action. Why don't you get up and out and start changing your life. My guess is you will just keep posting and complaining about things. People get tired of hearing it. It would be nice to see you take some positive action.

Dove

[fearfactor]

Wow - that was really negative.  I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I sincerely doubt myself as to whether I should be mad over these things or not.  I have been going through this for 6 years now....sometimes I doubt myself and think it must be something I am doing to make him act this way.  Plus, I haven't posted on here in days.  I HAVE been taking action, namely, looking for a better job so I can move out with the kids and have called my mom to get some moral support (haven't talked to her in a while).  I have also been talking to trusted friends who are helping me realize it's not ME but HIM with the problem.  Not sure why you went off on me....

[dove3053]

I was trying to get your attention. I was in a relationship much like you are in now. I know the feeling of fear because you have no money and you are lonely. I don't think things will get any better with you and your husband and I think you know that too. I would like to see you move on with your life and not have to depend on anyone. I would like to see you happy. Tell me how you would picture your life without this guy?. For instance what kind of job you would be working at and where you would be living and what kind of new friends would you like to have.

Dove

[dove3053]

I have read fearfactors other posts. I believe she said this man was  very cruel to their dog. I don't think it would be wise for her to stay with him. To tell anyone to stay in an abusive relationship is like signing their death warrant.

Dove

[fearfactor]

Why yes, it's real....I am as real as can be and sitting right here now!!  In the first post, I was just at my wit's end over that particular issue but the other issues have always been in the background.  What is up is that I'm trying to decide whether to try to salvage this marriage and I am just weighing pros & cons.  Believe me, I wish this post was fake and I had a loving husband!  LOL!!

Thanks, everyone for your advice - I have not yet completely decided what to do but have gotten back in touch with some friends and family who are supportive and are helping me in this hard time.  

[dove3053]

I think this post is real. She is just having trouble making her mind up as to what to do. She is not happy but then is afraid to leave because she doesn't know what will happen. I think things will get worse and she will still be there and something very bad may happen. I think she is a battered woman and many stay in a relationship until they are forced to leave by extreme violence.

I was one of these woman. I always hoped that things would get better but they never did. They just got worse. I finally got a restraining order and divorced him and never looked back. At least I try not to.

Dove

[dove3053]

I'm having second thoughts about fearfactor. I wonder now if those posts are real too. Fearfactor just posted and said she is an attorney. That sounds weird to me.

I stand corrected.

Dove

[fearfactor]

You know jack **** about me - people can be abused and still be professionals.  I'm sorry I ever posted on here because obviously the people are all jerks.  

[dove3053]

We only know what you post about yourself and your situation. From your last post you sound anything but porfessional. No need to lash out at everyone because I posted something that offended you.

Dove

[lost_in_the_city]

peace and love!!

[JCFEIRN]

my husband has always quit his job.  he has never had a job for more then 10 months. I want to leave him but he has degenerative disk disease in his back and is bi polar.  I was hopeful he could keep his last job since it was with my daughters boyfriend but now he is saying he is the "grunt! "  and has to do all of the hard ground work without any help.  He is saying that my daughters boyfriend and hired helper are doing and getting along better together then when it was just him.  My daughter says it is because he can't do the job right since he is new at it and the helper can since he is a veteran at it.  My husband is resentful and is going to quit and disassociate himself from the whole thing including family affairs.  what do i do

[teko]

Oh man, have I been there and done that! After years of getting evicted for non payment of rent and having the electric and water shut off everytime I turned around and the kids in a different school every six months. I left. We remained friends. He is still to this day a deadbeat, and still to this day my heart hurts for lost love. I cannot advise you to stay or to leave. Just no this. Be very sure you can walk away forever, and I do mean forever, without looking back with regrets.

[Greatmum27]

Hi there, first off im really sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but i would like to offer some advice. This is a complex issue that involves much more than his inability to hold a job. The immediate problem is that your husband is insensitive to the stress he is placing on you and the family through this conduct. That tells me that you are dealing with someone who is both immature and selfish-traits that certainly go hand in hand.
The issue isn't teaching him how to keep a job; the issue is teaching him how to be reliable and pay attention to whose needs are at the top of the priority list. The fact that he will sabotage a job so he can get laid off because he doesn't like being there, rather than considering that you will suffer, is problematic.

But if you want out, you must earn your way out. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We quit marriage  too soon. Turn over every stone, investigate every potential avenue of rehabilitation before you throw in the towel. You decided to marry this man, and with being married comes facing many problems together.

My relationship advice is: don't suffer in silence - confront the issue.

By that I mean talk to your husband, see a counselor, see your pastor, talk to a trusted friend of yours or his. Do everything you can to find a way to mitigate this unacceptable situation.

Then, if the problem doesn't improve, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and say, 'I was not like him. I didn't quit just because it wasn't fun. I did my work and tried to resolve this problem. Now I can move ahead in life with peace in my heart.'

I hope this relationship advice helps...

[tcmomof2]

I have had the same situation for 10 years and finally I moved to Michigan from Texas to get help from my Dad.  It is the best thing I have ever done.  I had 2 jobs for 2 years and he still did his freelance business and made 7500.00 last year!.  I have a good job now money is tight but I am making it.  My dad is helping with the kids and a loan of money now and then.  I have filed for divorce and while things havent been easy, after 9 months I am starting to feel normal again.  Oh yeah I developed MS 5 years ago, probably from the stress but I am feeling so much better.  

Go to your family and ask them to help you get on your feet without him.  Believe me they will be so glad you are getting out of your abusive situation.  He is controlling you by doing this game with his employment... You are trapped by his manipulation.

good luck and be brave you won't regret it...

[feelstuck]

3.5 years ago my boyfriend moved in with me despite the fact that he was unemployed at the time. I was totally ok with it and actually suggested it. I knew he was going through a tough time - recently loosing a full time job a part time job and being bullied by the mother of his three young children.  I knew him for 10 years prior to getting together with him. I also knew his job history was pretty good. - 3 jobs in 9 years. One job 2 years, second 4 years, 3rd job 3 years, and the part time, evening job was to help support his children. So at the time  I was not worried in the least, thought he would have a job in no time, which he did, but it only lasted two weeks, next job 1 month and so on- in the past 3.5 years i have watched him go through job after job after job. Some where in there we moved into a larger much more expensive home to accommodate his 3 children when they came to stay on his weekends. Now, 12 jobs later he is once again unemployed.  Each and every time he is fired or "laid off" it is NEVER his fault. I am upset and sick of paying 100% of the bills. Once even taking a second job on myself.  His small income, when he has a job, goes to his smokes and child support. Needless to say - we were even engaged to be married. I have since changed my mind of course. Now I am ready to kick him out. I have lost respect for him, he is thousands of dollars behind in child support payments, has lost his licence and his passport due to lack of child support payments. Taking his kids every second weekend consists of traveling 1.5 hours to pick them up and the same to drop them off, it is May and he has only had money 2 times this year to afford to be able to see his children. His ex refuses to travel to the middle, meeting point (also 1.5 hours) as she says she can not afford the drive either due to lack of support payments.  I tend to agree with her, though I don't believe it is healthy for them not to see their dad regularly, but when you don't have the cash, you don't have the cash.  Due to his lack of having a driver's licence, I will drive him the 1.5 hours to pick them up and again to return them. Having a career in HR, I have offered him suggestions after suggestions how to keep a job, please his boss, calm his temper. I have tried every avenue, got him to go to counselling, got him to go to a doctor - which he was diagnosed with depression- and he is on meds (when he remembers to take them). I have even offered to help him pay down his bills over the course of a 1 year, if he just keeps a job - I don't even care if that job is only minimum wage, just to have him keep working would be progress. I mean if I have to work to eat, why doesn't he?  He seems to have no concept as to why i have lost respect for him, and why i am starting to become depressed. At times he will talk about starting his own company, going back to school - to have that "ideal" job. Unfortunately, though a great idea - reality is life costs money today. Money to live, money to start a business, money to go to school. I just don't get how he can not see the obvious - our relationship is suffering because of the financial burden, his relationship with his kids is suffering, and it is an easy fix. Work!  I have 2 children (20 and 23) they both are long time employees of respectable jobs, they never ask to borrow money, they take care of their own needs and wants, one lives on his own, the other independently lives at home and pays rent. I raised them as a single mom- with a small amount of child support and zero emotional support from their father, friends or family. I am afraid that after all my hard work in raising them, they will start losing respect for me because I allow this to continue or even worse, I am setting a negative example for them - and how they treat their future wives.  I just don't understand why he won't buck up and live up to his responsibilities. I am pretty much at the end of my leash and patients, and I am pretty sure he knows this, but continues to make excuses for his lack of income. I feel sorry for him, knowing that when I finally do make my decision and force him to leave, he has nothing. Not even a vehicle (if he could drive) as the one he was driving I bought for him - oh yeah, did I forget to mention that?  I am disgusted in myself for letting this continue to the point of it affecting my respecting him, my love for him and my financial future. Only I am to blame, I know. But what do I do next? I am truly lost.  I NEVER talk to friends about my problems - no matter what, but now I have found myself sharing - and surprise, surprise what do you think they are saying that I do?

[frustratedmom4651]

  
   I feel for you.  I am in a similar situation with my daughter.  While she was in college, she started a relationship with a boy she had dated in high school.  At the time, he was also a student (sort of) at the same school.  She rented a house (with my help) and convinced me that they had a platonic relationship and that he would pay half the expenses as a roommate..  He didn't have a job, didn't seem interested in having one, and was living on student loans.  As it worked out, he paid only a small part of the expenses.  My daughter had a job and covered the balance with her wages and my contribution.  Inevitably he failed his courses and lost his financial aid.  He looked for a job for several months (although he was quite picky about what he would do -- no fast food etc.).  Because he wasn't contributing anything, I told her to kick him out and get a real roommate.  Shortly after we agreed he had to leave, she announced she was pregnant.  With this development, I foolishly agreed to let him stay because I didn't want her to be alone in facing the birth of her baby.  I thought this would be a circumstance which would jump start his ambition.  Of course I was wrong.  He had a couple of short-term jobs (less than 2 weeks each) and then did nothing. For the entire year, he only earned $900. The baby was born in December and I paid all of the birth expenses not covered by insurance.  Again I thought that the birth would cause him to take any job, but I was wrong.  My daughter found a job for him through a friend, but he was fired two months later.  He was unemployed for five months, then got a job.  He was fired two days later because he didn't show up. Now he has been unemployed for 9 months.  He recently was convicted of shoplifting.  And to top it all off, my daughter is pregnant again with him.    All this time, I have been paying the rent for them and many other expenses including most of the expenses for the baby.  I am a professional woman who would like to retire in the next few years.  I have felt so trapped and so depressed.  My daughter will finally graduate from college in December.  The last few classes that she needs can be taken on-line.  So I have decided to hit the reset button.  At my urging, the state is now after him for child support.  I have told my daughter that she will have to move home after the birth of baby #2 or make other arrangements  because I am not paying any more rent. Deadbeat dad is not welcome in my home.  If she wants to continue her relationship with this jerk, she will have to do it on her own dime.  Our whole family hates this loser, and yet she clings to him.   This has been an unending nightmare.  What I have learned is that people don't change, no matter how much you want things to be different, and the only person who will protect you is yourself.