mid life crisis for men

[Goldie21]

I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.

[Abarry]

Sorry,
it could be  you are co-dep on him, and maybe he found someone else to lean on.  I have found the more you do for someone the more they hurt you.

[Goldie21]

No I am not co depen on him.  I want to know how men justify hurting their families.  How they rationalize doing this is ok by them.

[Abarry]

Questions?
Is he depressed or on meds
hows his job?
any major events in the last year besides his father dying.
is this the first time he wanted to leave?

[Goldie21]

I don't know if he is depressed,  He walks around happy.  He say's he loves his job.  He lost his father and a close friend last year.

I always thought we had a loving marriage.  Guess he fooled me

[Abarry]

Sounds like you did have a loving marriage for almost 31 years, however people change and grow apart for some reason.  Love is never constant it is alway evolving.  
Question? are you happy and do you love your self?

[Goldie21]

No I am not happy I just lost my husband, who I love more than anything.  People change yes, but overnight?  This does not make sense to me and I just don't understand how a man can justify to himself that this is ok to do to his wife and kids.  Selfish I think.

I do love myself, but this is a trying time as you can see for me.  It's only been 3 weeks.

[Abarry]

I know how you feel about having a relationship with a selfish person.  Remember you are only 1/2 of the relationship.  I was with someone for 2 years and we just broke up.  I am trying to make sense of what happened to cause the breakup.  The only thing i can do now is look at my part in the relationship.  Check out this web:http://earthrenewal.org/ending_of_relationships.htm  has some good info on signs a relationship is ending.  I can tell you it just does not happen over night.  You could always see loving coming, but never leaving.

[SeriousSam]

You talk about everything you did for him but what were you doing with him?

[Goldie21]

we did lots together, we went on trips, out socializing, this is why I dont understand what is happening, its like overnight he became this different person

we always had a great time

so loss and confused

[Abarry]

What about his past, was he married before, how was his relationship with his parents?  Does he have relatives you can talk too.  Ronald Raglan said: if you dig deep enough you will find a pony. God works in many different ways, sometimes he let's us know the relationship is ending or let's the other person know.  Have faith and hope.  Everyone tells me there is a reason for everything in life. Like you I'm trying to work through my breakup.  For almost 2 years, she told me everyday she loved me.  Last we talked, she told me she was not in love but more like a friend.  go figure.

[Goldie21]

not this was both our first marriage, relationship with mother was strained because his parents divorced when he was very young, he was fine with his dad

his relatives, don't even know yet

[Abarry]

Personal question, how you love life with him?

[Goldie21]

As I said I thought everything was great, we were loving towards each other, had great sex, always were there for eath other.  Always looked forward to see him come home from work, greeted him with a kiss and hug, asked about his day.  

Now is he totally diffrent, dont recognize him.  

[Abarry]

Have you tried to distance your self from him?  Did you ask him if he is seeing another women?

[Goldie21]

Yes since the day he told me, I asked him if he had an affair or was seeing someone.  He said he was not.  How can I distance myself when I love him.  Tonight he comes to move some stuff out and I dont know if I will be able to handle it.  He has become cold not caring,

[Abarry]

You need to be strong, if you can maybe you should not be there when he comes home.  Go to a friends house or go to  a movie.  But he should not see you like this.  Funny thing when you show him you are strong he will question his decisions.  Try not to push him away right now.  If you can ask him if he needs help to move stuff out.  This will shock him and help your mind out.

[Goldie21]

I have been racking my brain to understand what is happening.

Only thing I can come up with is that this is the only way he can see other woman.  Breakup up his marriage, destroy his wife and kids.  Even had told him look in the mirror your not the 20 yr old you use to be.  Your bald, fat, old, cranky lately, uncaring, selfish.  Even told him don`t ever tell me it`s because of my looks or that.  If it`s a young thing he wants I can`t stop it.  His two kids don`t want anything to do with him at the moment.  I can`t blame them for now as they are dealing with the pain.

How selfish can men be?  Last night was so difficult when he came and moved some stuff out.  I didn`t say a word just let him do his stuff.

I am starting to think I was married to a selfish *******.  I gave and gave, helped, did it all and for what, for him to say i need to tell you something, I don`t love you anymore, and I want a separation.  Well f*** him

[Abarry]

Good,
You sound angry, and that's good.  One thing you should look at is that he did give you 2 kids.  Maybe that's what life is all about.  I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever.
here is a great poem to read:
A Reason, A Season And A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason,
a season, or a lifetime. When you figure
out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed
outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist
you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason, you need them
to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your
part or at an inconvenient time, this person will
say or do something to bring the relationship to
an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk
away. Sometimes they act up or out and
force you to take a stand. What we must
realize is that our need has been met,our
desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered
and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a
SEASON, it is because your turn has come
to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you
an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only
for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime
lessons; those things you must build upon in order
to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is
to accept the lesson, love the person/people
and put what you have learned to use in
all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

[Myown]

" I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever."
----------------------------------------------------
Whats wrong with you!!!!????? This ladies marriage of 31 years just broke up and you say this to her and write paste this stupid poem?????


Goldie, I am very sorry to see that you are going through this.

MO

[Abarry]

Goldie,
I'm not trying to be insensitive to your situation.  I am deeply sad that you are living with this.  No one deserves this after 31 years of marriage.  People do change maybe not over night, but slowly.  Believe that g-d is with you.

[Abarry]

Someone sent this poem to me years ago, i just now understand the meaning behind it.  Yes it might be stupid, but i was only trying to comfort her.

[Goldie21]

Well here I sit, crying all the time, hubby is coming over to move some stuff for his son.  I asked him once he was done could he stay a bit and talk.  He immediately got any and yelled no.  This was suppose to be the happiest time of our lives, with a grandbaby on the way.  When he was told about the news a few months back he showed no sign of happiness about it.  He continues to hurt me with words.  Promised me he would always be there for me but I am all alone to cope.  My kids are having such a difficult time too.  I guess them seeing their mother destroyed is not an easy thing to live with.  But wish they were here, I can't force them.

Just wish this pain would stop.  I would rather die and to live like this.

[Abarry]

Yes i know that feeling of wanting to stop the pain.  You are going to be a grandma soon.  So you need to look at this a positive thing.  Imagine, hold you new grand-baby soon.  That's what life is about, bringing new hope to this crazy world.  Be strong for your kids.  They need you now more then ever.

  

[Myown]

I'm sorry Abarry for sounding harsh in my post to you. I realize that you were trying to comfort Goldie and we all say things in our own way and have different belief systems, but I do now see your heart is in the right place...But anyhow sorry again for my knee -jerk response - or just plain ole "jerk" response.
Take care,
MO

[Goldie21]

this morning he called me and ask if I would call the family doctor, as he has been losing alot of weight.  I did and called him back to confirm his appointment.  I then asked him if he could come over to talk about what is going on, that I know he's depress and going throught this crisis.  He said no.  I proceeded to ask him don't you think we owe it to each other to start thinking what is best for the both of use, and stop worrying about everyone else.  To concentrate on saving our marriage, our needs and wants.  He got very angry and yelled at me that it was over and that he didnt want to work on it.

I told him dont you realize your going to lose me and the kids he said nothing.  I asked him again if there was anyone else he repeated there was nobody else.

I cried and told him how do you expect me to handle all this, you call when you need help, I help you but you refuse to even come and sit down like an adult and discuss this.

He hung up.

Im crying my eyes out, all alone and not knowing what do to next.

[Goldie21]

Well today is a bad day, knock on the door, was a delivery man with an envelope.  I signed for it, when in the house opened it here it was the separation agreement.

I went ballistic, called hubby told him how dare you ******* send this by courier.  Dont have the balls to bring it to me.

Then ask why he has not called his kids.  His replay they have my number.  Told him they are hurting real bad.  That I call them on daily basis to see how they are doing and reassure them that I am here for them and love them very much.

My hubby is angry, and tells me its all my imagination.

Why won't he call his kids???

[Myown]

Well, thats sad that he won't talk to your sons, but I am sure it is out of guilt of what he has done and that fact that he did this with absolutely no explanation and feels that he doesn't have to give one either.

Does he have any brothers or sister and have you contacted them? Maybe he has told them something as to why he has done this.....I think I have my theory as to what happened - nothing that you did wrong and the clue to that is that he would have no problem facing you and delivering the separation agreement in person IF he was blaming you in some way.......but since he does not want to see you or the kids it shows he knows he is the problem and he is trying to convince himself otherwise. Seeing you guys is a reminder to him of how HE is the one in the wrong and He is the one that is breaking up the family.

Most likely to the "outsiders" or his' friends' he will blame you in some way, if he hasn't already and that is usually what keeps a marriage or even frendship from being restored,,,,,,,the person is ashamed that they exaggerated or made things up due to their own ego and seared conscience and so restoration of the relationship is embarassing to them instead of them just saying they "lied about a few things, forgive me",,but again ''ego prevents them".......I used to work with the public and my husband always says I should write a book on the divorces I have seen and heard. Its sad divorce is no big deal to many people these days. It would feel like a death to me as I know that is how you feel too.

But anyhow, if it were me, I would do whatever I had to do to find out what happened that caused his sudden change. I would go see his boss and your in-laws.....I have a feeling I might have figured out what happened (nothing you did wrong) but I don't know if you are still looking for people to tell you their opinion on that, but if you are still coming to the forum and want to hear my theory - let me know. I am usually pretty good at this. My mother went through alot with my father, so I have heard it ALL over the years.

Hope you and your sons are feeling better,
MO

[treazzure007]

had a family friend, married to her husband for about 2 decades.  dude ups and leaves out of the blue, her and the 3 kids and grandkid (daughter was a senior in highschool & had just had a baby).  turns out he, having been the provider for the family, had quit paying the mortgage a couple of months prior to leaving, traded in the family car for a Porshe, and moved across country to California.  just like that.  completely lost his m.i.n.d.
amazing

[Myown]

traded in the family car for a Porshe, and moved across country to California.  just like that.  completely lost his m.i.n.d.
amazing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He didn't LOSE his Mind, I'd guess he FOUND a young chickadee and middle age men try to distract the young women from staring at their excess belly fat by surrounding it with a Porsche.. I know this well, I listened to peoples stories all day long. I am a retired Psychiatrist, though for some odd reason my license says "hairdresser." :o) But sometimes I wondered if people sat in my chair for a haircut or to tell me their problems.

I feel bad for your friend,,,but I think that women whose husbands 'suddenly" leave them make a very big mistake by saying "he lost his mind," because that makes it sound like he had a mental illness and with that people might throw him sympathy.  Women in that position should instead tell others that their ex was obviously self centered, and that he followed the decision that his weenie made..

There are plenty of nice guys out there and I hope she met someone by now. The length of time that she was married will be an indication to any fellow she meets that she must have been a good wife to her husband.

[Goldie21]

ow involved, been going on for 4 months, see's her daily at work

he gave up his wife, kids, destroyed our family for this low life piece of trash

[mami1323]

Usually when a man up and leaves it's because of another woman.  She is a low life piece of trash and so is he.  Don't worry, Kharma is a biatch and both will get theirs in the end.  He will learn to regret, just wait and see.  Hopefully you can move forward and on with your life.  31 years is a long time and it will take a while before you will feel ok again.  I'm so sorry that you have been put through this.  It isn't fair and it isn't right.  Keep venting on here and you will see it will get easier.  There isn't really any one of us can say or do to make you feel better but it will help to get the support.  Hang in there and keep your head high, and know that you didn't do anything wrong at all, he's the dirtbag here.

[wolfwoman1st]

*** Cross-posted on Relationships but few responses there ***
Hi All,
My DH left a few weeks ago, renting a room in another guy's house.  His stated reasons are to find out if he can take care of himself and not be dependent on a woman.  We are both in our 50's and have no children at home.  We have been together a little over 7 years, married for 6.  It was truly a fairytale romance, other couples have always been jealous of how close we are...or were.  Now he communicates with me nearly every day by email but won't see me and doesn't want to talk on the phone (although we've had two good phone conversations).

My therapist says "separations are only useful if you work together toward something" but aside from agreeing to ignore gossip about us, he and I are not jointly working on anything.  He doesn't really respond when I ask him to tell me his goals or intentions.  He just says, "I have to see if I can take care of myself, alone".

I love my DH and feel he is confused, hurt over some difficulties in our marriage and afraid to trust we can recover the magic.  I am willing to wait the 3 months he asked for, but would like to feel there is more I can do than *just* wait (I'm not good at being totally passive!)  I believe in our marriage vows and believe we shouldn't just give up at the first sign of trouble.  I don't know how to help him believe again, or if that is even possible.

So now to my questions:  Have you been separated?  For how long?  How and why did you decide to get back together, if you did?  If you did not get back together, what was the deciding factor on that?  Did anyone go through with divorce after separation, even though they still loved their partner?  If you went back, what actions of your partner made it easier to return?  If you didn't, what actions of your partner made it easier to end it?

Any insights or advice will be read and pondered, and greatly appreciated.

[wolfwoman1st]

MY APOLOGIES!  I thought I was posting a new topic.  Why can't you delete your own post???  Sorry again ...........

[button76]

Are you still around.  Your story sounds just like mine except only 3 years married.  this happened overnight too.  He swears he's not having affair or thinking about it with anyone.  I'm so miserable

[Bella320]

I am a soon to be 60 year old who went through what you are dealing with about 2 years ago. It began at least 5 years before that but I didn't see it coming because I thought that my ex was just depressed over his job situation... Honey, I know exactly how you feel. My children actually defended my ex b/c they thought he was having mental issues.
As a result I had no one to lean on and felt as though the bottom had fallen out of my world.  He tricked me into giving him the best years of my life and when our kids were raised he told me that he hadn't loved me for a long time. Your situation sounds identical to mine.

My heart goes out to you, but I want to tell you that God has you in the palm of His hand. He loves you and He has a plan for you. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. I am sure that you are a beautiful woman.  Believe me, there are men out there who would love to have someone who would love them like you are capable of.  I found one who adores me and wants to spend the rest of his life showing me.  Learn to laugh everyday and spend time with family and friends who you feel safe with. Blessings on you...

[Marko360]

First tell your husband you love him and ask if there is anything you can do to help him rekindle the feelings he once had for you. What is it going to take to make things right between the two of you. Find out what he is thinking and what has made him grow away from you. Once you have a better understanding of his feelings then you'll be able to make some inroads, of course this may work or it may not as it always takes two people to make things happen but he'll know you care and want him to love you again and are willing to work on it.

[Hope2010]

This is the first time I've posted to this, but I'm going through the same thing Goldie did, after 31 years, it's the I don't love you anymore thing, it's all my fault, I'm the one that created this to happen.  It started 1.5 years ago when he said he wasn't happy and I was to blame for neglecting him - my job came first...then as time went on, I treated him like a baby, I ignored and pushed him away, etc....each time it was more and more my fault.  I did it all - the kids, the money, the errands, the housework, worked full time, cooked.....and sometimes I did run out of steam...but not to the extent he claims...we had a good life...friends, trips, home, both working, great kids, great sex - at least I thought!  I think he's going through a mid life - says he needs to start a new life, make his own decisions, moving to another state.  It's devasting and tuff to get through, he's leaving in 2 weeks - supposingly has a job, there is no one else - but he's been up and down the last 1.5 years on what he wants - wants to stay, wants to leave, has been seeing counselor but all one sided to his needs and wants.

[Jean802]

When I read your post I thought wow someone else is going through a similar situation. Me and my husband have been married for 21 years this month. After work every day he would go down to his buddy's house. Well I found out later that his buddy's cousin (Eva) had been going there too.
This Eva person goes to all the parties and hangs on all the guys, I told my husband to be careful of her because she is just like that. I never believed he would ever fall in her trap, but he left me about a month ago and moved in with her. Everyone keeps telling me that she will screw up because she gets who she wants and then tosses them to the side. I cant believe he chose to be with her when he knows her reputation, but it seems like he has done a complete 180.
The first time I saw him (she was driving his truck) I said, " I thought you loved me Chuck and he said I do. The second time I saw him he said that he probably loves me and probably loves her, and the last time I saw him, I asked him if he was losing his love for me and he said that he didn't know.
He has never been a talker and has short responses. I am also devistated. I cry all the time and just can't believe it happened. It's so heart-wrenching to see them act like they don't care after that many years of marriage.
I am unsure what to do. I'm thinking maybe he needs to see me once in a while so he can see what he lost, and sometimes I think maybe I should stay away and then he may think that if he decides he doesnt want to be with her that he may not have me to come back to. I truly want him back. It might sound weird to some, but when you love a person and have been with them for 21 years it's hard to just let go.
Jean

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry Jean that you are going through such a hard time.  I don't understand how your husband could do it either.  They always think the grass is geener on the otherside but you know what, when the excitment and novalty wears off, it's not any better.  Actually it's probably worse.  I dispise women like that also, they want what they want without cares for anyone else.  I truly believe in Karma and I believe this Eva chick will get her just desserts.  Hang tough and I hope when your husband does come around, because they always do, that you won't even want him anymore.  Oh and I understand that wanting them back thing, even though they don't deserve it.  Good luck.

[Jean802]

Mami,

Thanks for your input and understanding. I hope you are right about the novelty wearing off. This isnt like him at all ever! Some of my friends that know Eva told me that she will dump him after she knows she has the win. My neighbor is the administrator of a bar near here and he said he had to kick her out twice and the final time meant she was not allowed back in there. I guess the first time she was changing her shirt right in the bar, and the second time she was outside the bar using her cell phone and when they didnt unlock the door right away to let her in, she started calling the workers names. My neighbor told me that when he excorted her out she put her hand down his pants. I have heard other stories about her doing favors for rides hime. I still cant believe my husband chose to be wih her. She must have him really snow-jobed. Of course now she is driving our truck and spending the money that my husband used to hand me. I wonder what will happen when the spousal support kicks in. I know I'm not getting much, but at least it will take it out of her pocket.
Thanks Again,
Jean

[jo929]

If there is anyway possible do not give your husband a divorce, i have seen lots of marriages break up after 30 years and it is all due to a younger woman, he has found someone he thinks he wants to marry, so do not let him, maybe he will come to his senses, if not at least he cant marry her I am sorry that you are going through this for this is a low blow, ask him what happened to the young couple that used to be so much in love, ask him where that young man has gone, also ask him if he would like to be treated this way, when they meet a younger woman, all they think with is below the waist. hang in there and fight, and if you cant win take him for all the money he has  luck  jo

[therese83]

It is like an illness in some men.
My husband is the same, we were fine (actually we were the crazy in love couple for 25 years and sooo compatible), it actually started one day, most women can say the day it started.  He completely changed, the look in his eyes.

It is like a panic, i need to get out there.
It is cruel beyond belief.  
I met another wife in same boat only 10 years ahead of me.
the men go through phases
THE ******* PHASE
THE GUILTY PHASE
THE KING OF THE JUNGLE PHASE (USUALLY WITH A WOMAN 20 YEARS YOUNGER)
THE DEPRESSION AND REGRET STAGE,
Because they loose that intimacy, that mature love that lasted so long.  They loose more than they gain in the end believe me.

Why do nice people get treated like this.

[BoHager]

I might have some insight for you but feel alot of anger (just caused). I have pretty good idea what might be going , on cause I am a guy

[missy877]

your story (and that of Goldie) sounds devastatingly familiar to me.  After 25 years in what I thought was a wonderful marriage, my husband just told me a month ago that he didn't love me anymore and that he hadn't been happy for some time.  The signs leading up to this revelation were classic midlife crisis.  He began spending hours on the computer talking to an old high school girlfriend on face book. He began spending the rest of his time at the gym or listening to chick music.  Anyway long story short, the best thing for those of us in this situation to do is research all we can on midlife crisis...because that is what this is...affairs and all.  We have to decide if we still want theses bozos in our lives (I still want my cheating looser back) But we can't force anything.  Even if we could force them to stay, it would backfire because love can't be forced.  Here's what we have to do if we want any chance of keeping the dunder-headed fools. Stop crying and paste on a smile.  Be their best friends.  That's it.  We have the edge here because we have been their best friends for decades.  (The Jezabel hussie can't compete) This I have found so far in my spiral toward divorce is emotionally helpful.  The husband really wants you as a friend.  I now feel I haven't totally lost everything because I still have the dearest of friends- even if he is making the mistake of his life with a cheap Truck -Stop Trixie.  I digress.  This friendship thing helps me emotionally, though.  I think it will help you too if you can do it.  Do Not Ask him what you could have done to save the marriage, or what is so great about her, or why he did this to you and the kids...these type of questions don't work.  He has no answers for them and he is ashamed.  He will lash out at you and see you as a *****.  This will lighten his shame. You want him to feel that guilt don't you?  So let him see he is leaving the sweetest woman and the best friend he ever had. Believe me on this...forcing, begging, pleading will not work.  We have to let these mutton heads figure it out for themselves.  We have to fix up our appearance, be very friendly and kind, and wait.  Maybe we will meet someone else before they figure it out... would that be so bad?

[Cherie762]

Hi yes I know what your going through, my husband and I are divorcing.we are in a different stage than you. I have done soooo much soul searching crying etc..I finally figured out divorce actually is a death its death of marriage, dreams and hopes of growing old together thats why we go through stages of denial, hopes of getting back to gether,,,then you bargain say you or he will change everthing can will be fine.then you get angry the name calling an fault issues set in.finally there is acceptance. thats where we are you just say ok enough. lets grow up and do this the right way. we have three kids and we really dont want to be enemies we shall forever be bound by the children even when divoreced evn when children are grown..
about the mid life crisis yup I think its one f the main reasons for our split up/
starts w him loosing weight exercising..grooming self differently buying younger looking clothing..could he be cheating maybe I dont really care thats on him not me.Im letting go.we just now are 3 months into the divorce have figured out a joint custody agreement for kids, and are working on how to split assets and debts...the darn courts want people to figure this stuff out selfes and believe me its in your best intrest to do it for selfs you dont want some man woman in a black robe who will spend maybe 15 min w you deciding your life for you.
agree 100 % w poster above whom said seperation is only good if working towards something...we seperate now till divorce is final for the weekends we alternate.,,,,there is too much nit picking and argueing when we are both home for those two entire days and its a good plan for us..we will likely live together for a bout 2 more months..he needs time to move out and I understand that..
I know what ya mean too about standing by him then kinda feelinglike you get the short end of stick..I stood by my husband when he wanted to start own business we lived on near nothing for years,,stood by him while his best friends died of a year long battle of cancer...then I needed a real serious surgery of neck my vertebares was disinegrating..he went to Florida..my 18 yr old son took me to hospital and stood by me.
sad.