mid life crisis for men

I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.

[Abarry]

Sorry,
it could be  you are co-dep on him, and maybe he found someone else to lean on.  I have found the more you do for someone the more they hurt you.

[Goldie21]

No I am not co depen on him.  I want to know how men justify hurting their families.  How they rationalize doing this is ok by them.

[Abarry]

Questions?
Is he depressed or on meds
hows his job?
any major events in the last year besides his father dying.
is this the first time he wanted to leave?

[Goldie21]

I don't know if he is depressed,  He walks around happy.  He say's he loves his job.  He lost his father and a close friend last year.

I always thought we had a loving marriage.  Guess he fooled me

[Abarry]

Sounds like you did have a loving marriage for almost 31 years, however people change and grow apart for some reason.  Love is never constant it is alway evolving.  
Question? are you happy and do you love your self?

[Goldie21]

No I am not happy I just lost my husband, who I love more than anything.  People change yes, but overnight?  This does not make sense to me and I just don't understand how a man can justify to himself that this is ok to do to his wife and kids.  Selfish I think.

I do love myself, but this is a trying time as you can see for me.  It's only been 3 weeks.

[Abarry]

I know how you feel about having a relationship with a selfish person.  Remember you are only 1/2 of the relationship.  I was with someone for 2 years and we just broke up.  I am trying to make sense of what happened to cause the breakup.  The only thing i can do now is look at my part in the relationship.  Check out this web:http://earthrenewal.org/ending_of_relationships.htm  has some good info on signs a relationship is ending.  I can tell you it just does not happen over night.  You could always see loving coming, but never leaving.

[SeriousSam]

You talk about everything you did for him but what were you doing with him?

[Goldie21]

we did lots together, we went on trips, out socializing, this is why I dont understand what is happening, its like overnight he became this different person

we always had a great time

so loss and confused

[Abarry]

What about his past, was he married before, how was his relationship with his parents?  Does he have relatives you can talk too.  Ronald Raglan said: if you dig deep enough you will find a pony. God works in many different ways, sometimes he let's us know the relationship is ending or let's the other person know.  Have faith and hope.  Everyone tells me there is a reason for everything in life. Like you I'm trying to work through my breakup.  For almost 2 years, she told me everyday she loved me.  Last we talked, she told me she was not in love but more like a friend.  go figure.

[Goldie21]

not this was both our first marriage, relationship with mother was strained because his parents divorced when he was very young, he was fine with his dad

his relatives, don't even know yet

[Abarry]

Personal question, how you love life with him?

[Goldie21]

As I said I thought everything was great, we were loving towards each other, had great sex, always were there for eath other.  Always looked forward to see him come home from work, greeted him with a kiss and hug, asked about his day.  

Now is he totally diffrent, dont recognize him.  

[Abarry]

Have you tried to distance your self from him?  Did you ask him if he is seeing another women?

[Goldie21]

Yes since the day he told me, I asked him if he had an affair or was seeing someone.  He said he was not.  How can I distance myself when I love him.  Tonight he comes to move some stuff out and I dont know if I will be able to handle it.  He has become cold not caring,

[Abarry]

You need to be strong, if you can maybe you should not be there when he comes home.  Go to a friends house or go to  a movie.  But he should not see you like this.  Funny thing when you show him you are strong he will question his decisions.  Try not to push him away right now.  If you can ask him if he needs help to move stuff out.  This will shock him and help your mind out.

[Goldie21]

I have been racking my brain to understand what is happening.

Only thing I can come up with is that this is the only way he can see other woman.  Breakup up his marriage, destroy his wife and kids.  Even had told him look in the mirror your not the 20 yr old you use to be.  Your bald, fat, old, cranky lately, uncaring, selfish.  Even told him don`t ever tell me it`s because of my looks or that.  If it`s a young thing he wants I can`t stop it.  His two kids don`t want anything to do with him at the moment.  I can`t blame them for now as they are dealing with the pain.

How selfish can men be?  Last night was so difficult when he came and moved some stuff out.  I didn`t say a word just let him do his stuff.

I am starting to think I was married to a selfish *******.  I gave and gave, helped, did it all and for what, for him to say i need to tell you something, I don`t love you anymore, and I want a separation.  Well f*** him

[Abarry]

Good,
You sound angry, and that's good.  One thing you should look at is that he did give you 2 kids.  Maybe that's what life is all about.  I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever.
here is a great poem to read:
A Reason, A Season And A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason,
a season, or a lifetime. When you figure
out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed
outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist
you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason, you need them
to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your
part or at an inconvenient time, this person will
say or do something to bring the relationship to
an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk
away. Sometimes they act up or out and
force you to take a stand. What we must
realize is that our need has been met,our
desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered
and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a
SEASON, it is because your turn has come
to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you
an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only
for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime
lessons; those things you must build upon in order
to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is
to accept the lesson, love the person/people
and put what you have learned to use in
all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

[Myown]

" I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever."
----------------------------------------------------
Whats wrong with you!!!!????? This ladies marriage of 31 years just broke up and you say this to her and write paste this stupid poem?????


Goldie, I am very sorry to see that you are going through this.

MO

[Abarry]

Goldie,
I'm not trying to be insensitive to your situation.  I am deeply sad that you are living with this.  No one deserves this after 31 years of marriage.  People do change maybe not over night, but slowly.  Believe that g-d is with you.

[Abarry]

Someone sent this poem to me years ago, i just now understand the meaning behind it.  Yes it might be stupid, but i was only trying to comfort her.

[Goldie21]

Well here I sit, crying all the time, hubby is coming over to move some stuff for his son.  I asked him once he was done could he stay a bit and talk.  He immediately got any and yelled no.  This was suppose to be the happiest time of our lives, with a grandbaby on the way.  When he was told about the news a few months back he showed no sign of happiness about it.  He continues to hurt me with words.  Promised me he would always be there for me but I am all alone to cope.  My kids are having such a difficult time too.  I guess them seeing their mother destroyed is not an easy thing to live with.  But wish they were here, I can't force them.

Just wish this pain would stop.  I would rather die and to live like this.

[Abarry]

Yes i know that feeling of wanting to stop the pain.  You are going to be a grandma soon.  So you need to look at this a positive thing.  Imagine, hold you new grand-baby soon.  That's what life is about, bringing new hope to this crazy world.  Be strong for your kids.  They need you now more then ever.

  

[Myown]

I'm sorry Abarry for sounding harsh in my post to you. I realize that you were trying to comfort Goldie and we all say things in our own way and have different belief systems, but I do now see your heart is in the right place...But anyhow sorry again for my knee -jerk response - or just plain ole "jerk" response.
Take care,
MO

[Goldie21]

this morning he called me and ask if I would call the family doctor, as he has been losing alot of weight.  I did and called him back to confirm his appointment.  I then asked him if he could come over to talk about what is going on, that I know he's depress and going throught this crisis.  He said no.  I proceeded to ask him don't you think we owe it to each other to start thinking what is best for the both of use, and stop worrying about everyone else.  To concentrate on saving our marriage, our needs and wants.  He got very angry and yelled at me that it was over and that he didnt want to work on it.

I told him dont you realize your going to lose me and the kids he said nothing.  I asked him again if there was anyone else he repeated there was nobody else.

I cried and told him how do you expect me to handle all this, you call when you need help, I help you but you refuse to even come and sit down like an adult and discuss this.

He hung up.

Im crying my eyes out, all alone and not knowing what do to next.

[Goldie21]

Well today is a bad day, knock on the door, was a delivery man with an envelope.  I signed for it, when in the house opened it here it was the separation agreement.

I went ballistic, called hubby told him how dare you ******* send this by courier.  Dont have the balls to bring it to me.

Then ask why he has not called his kids.  His replay they have my number.  Told him they are hurting real bad.  That I call them on daily basis to see how they are doing and reassure them that I am here for them and love them very much.

My hubby is angry, and tells me its all my imagination.

Why won't he call his kids???

[Myown]

Well, thats sad that he won't talk to your sons, but I am sure it is out of guilt of what he has done and that fact that he did this with absolutely no explanation and feels that he doesn't have to give one either.

Does he have any brothers or sister and have you contacted them? Maybe he has told them something as to why he has done this.....I think I have my theory as to what happened - nothing that you did wrong and the clue to that is that he would have no problem facing you and delivering the separation agreement in person IF he was blaming you in some way.......but since he does not want to see you or the kids it shows he knows he is the problem and he is trying to convince himself otherwise. Seeing you guys is a reminder to him of how HE is the one in the wrong and He is the one that is breaking up the family.

Most likely to the "outsiders" or his' friends' he will blame you in some way, if he hasn't already and that is usually what keeps a marriage or even frendship from being restored,,,,,,,the person is ashamed that they exaggerated or made things up due to their own ego and seared conscience and so restoration of the relationship is embarassing to them instead of them just saying they "lied about a few things, forgive me",,but again ''ego prevents them".......I used to work with the public and my husband always says I should write a book on the divorces I have seen and heard. Its sad divorce is no big deal to many people these days. It would feel like a death to me as I know that is how you feel too.

But anyhow, if it were me, I would do whatever I had to do to find out what happened that caused his sudden change. I would go see his boss and your in-laws.....I have a feeling I might have figured out what happened (nothing you did wrong) but I don't know if you are still looking for people to tell you their opinion on that, but if you are still coming to the forum and want to hear my theory - let me know. I am usually pretty good at this. My mother went through alot with my father, so I have heard it ALL over the years.

Hope you and your sons are feeling better,
MO

[treazzure007]

had a family friend, married to her husband for about 2 decades.  dude ups and leaves out of the blue, her and the 3 kids and grandkid (daughter was a senior in highschool & had just had a baby).  turns out he, having been the provider for the family, had quit paying the mortgage a couple of months prior to leaving, traded in the family car for a Porshe, and moved across country to California.  just like that.  completely lost his m.i.n.d.
amazing

[Myown]

traded in the family car for a Porshe, and moved across country to California.  just like that.  completely lost his m.i.n.d.
amazing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He didn't LOSE his Mind, I'd guess he FOUND a young chickadee and middle age men try to distract the young women from staring at their excess belly fat by surrounding it with a Porsche.. I know this well, I listened to peoples stories all day long. I am a retired Psychiatrist, though for some odd reason my license says "hairdresser." :o) But sometimes I wondered if people sat in my chair for a haircut or to tell me their problems.

I feel bad for your friend,,,but I think that women whose husbands 'suddenly" leave them make a very big mistake by saying "he lost his mind," because that makes it sound like he had a mental illness and with that people might throw him sympathy.  Women in that position should instead tell others that their ex was obviously self centered, and that he followed the decision that his weenie made..

There are plenty of nice guys out there and I hope she met someone by now. The length of time that she was married will be an indication to any fellow she meets that she must have been a good wife to her husband.

[Goldie21]

ow involved, been going on for 4 months, see's her daily at work

he gave up his wife, kids, destroyed our family for this low life piece of trash

[mami1323]

Usually when a man up and leaves it's because of another woman.  She is a low life piece of trash and so is he.  Don't worry, Kharma is a biatch and both will get theirs in the end.  He will learn to regret, just wait and see.  Hopefully you can move forward and on with your life.  31 years is a long time and it will take a while before you will feel ok again.  I'm so sorry that you have been put through this.  It isn't fair and it isn't right.  Keep venting on here and you will see it will get easier.  There isn't really any one of us can say or do to make you feel better but it will help to get the support.  Hang in there and keep your head high, and know that you didn't do anything wrong at all, he's the dirtbag here.

[button76]

Are you still around.  Your story sounds just like mine except only 3 years married.  this happened overnight too.  He swears he's not having affair or thinking about it with anyone.  I'm so miserable

[Bella320]

I am a soon to be 60 year old who went through what you are dealing with about 2 years ago. It began at least 5 years before that but I didn't see it coming because I thought that my ex was just depressed over his job situation... Honey, I know exactly how you feel. My children actually defended my ex b/c they thought he was having mental issues.
As a result I had no one to lean on and felt as though the bottom had fallen out of my world.  He tricked me into giving him the best years of my life and when our kids were raised he told me that he hadn't loved me for a long time. Your situation sounds identical to mine.

My heart goes out to you, but I want to tell you that God has you in the palm of His hand. He loves you and He has a plan for you. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. I am sure that you are a beautiful woman.  Believe me, there are men out there who would love to have someone who would love them like you are capable of.  I found one who adores me and wants to spend the rest of his life showing me.  Learn to laugh everyday and spend time with family and friends who you feel safe with. Blessings on you...

[Marko360]

First tell your husband you love him and ask if there is anything you can do to help him rekindle the feelings he once had for you. What is it going to take to make things right between the two of you. Find out what he is thinking and what has made him grow away from you. Once you have a better understanding of his feelings then you'll be able to make some inroads, of course this may work or it may not as it always takes two people to make things happen but he'll know you care and want him to love you again and are willing to work on it.

[Hope2010]

This is the first time I've posted to this, but I'm going through the same thing Goldie did, after 31 years, it's the I don't love you anymore thing, it's all my fault, I'm the one that created this to happen.  It started 1.5 years ago when he said he wasn't happy and I was to blame for neglecting him - my job came first...then as time went on, I treated him like a baby, I ignored and pushed him away, etc....each time it was more and more my fault.  I did it all - the kids, the money, the errands, the housework, worked full time, cooked.....and sometimes I did run out of steam...but not to the extent he claims...we had a good life...friends, trips, home, both working, great kids, great sex - at least I thought!  I think he's going through a mid life - says he needs to start a new life, make his own decisions, moving to another state.  It's devasting and tuff to get through, he's leaving in 2 weeks - supposingly has a job, there is no one else - but he's been up and down the last 1.5 years on what he wants - wants to stay, wants to leave, has been seeing counselor but all one sided to his needs and wants.

[Jean802]

When I read your post I thought wow someone else is going through a similar situation. Me and my husband have been married for 21 years this month. After work every day he would go down to his buddy's house. Well I found out later that his buddy's cousin (Eva) had been going there too.
This Eva person goes to all the parties and hangs on all the guys, I told my husband to be careful of her because she is just like that. I never believed he would ever fall in her trap, but he left me about a month ago and moved in with her. Everyone keeps telling me that she will screw up because she gets who she wants and then tosses them to the side. I cant believe he chose to be with her when he knows her reputation, but it seems like he has done a complete 180.
The first time I saw him (she was driving his truck) I said, " I thought you loved me Chuck and he said I do. The second time I saw him he said that he probably loves me and probably loves her, and the last time I saw him, I asked him if he was losing his love for me and he said that he didn't know.
He has never been a talker and has short responses. I am also devistated. I cry all the time and just can't believe it happened. It's so heart-wrenching to see them act like they don't care after that many years of marriage.
I am unsure what to do. I'm thinking maybe he needs to see me once in a while so he can see what he lost, and sometimes I think maybe I should stay away and then he may think that if he decides he doesnt want to be with her that he may not have me to come back to. I truly want him back. It might sound weird to some, but when you love a person and have been with them for 21 years it's hard to just let go.
Jean

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry Jean that you are going through such a hard time.  I don't understand how your husband could do it either.  They always think the grass is geener on the otherside but you know what, when the excitment and novalty wears off, it's not any better.  Actually it's probably worse.  I dispise women like that also, they want what they want without cares for anyone else.  I truly believe in Karma and I believe this Eva chick will get her just desserts.  Hang tough and I hope when your husband does come around, because they always do, that you won't even want him anymore.  Oh and I understand that wanting them back thing, even though they don't deserve it.  Good luck.

[Jean802]

Mami,

Thanks for your input and understanding. I hope you are right about the novelty wearing off. This isnt like him at all ever! Some of my friends that know Eva told me that she will dump him after she knows she has the win. My neighbor is the administrator of a bar near here and he said he had to kick her out twice and the final time meant she was not allowed back in there. I guess the first time she was changing her shirt right in the bar, and the second time she was outside the bar using her cell phone and when they didnt unlock the door right away to let her in, she started calling the workers names. My neighbor told me that when he excorted her out she put her hand down his pants. I have heard other stories about her doing favors for rides hime. I still cant believe my husband chose to be wih her. She must have him really snow-jobed. Of course now she is driving our truck and spending the money that my husband used to hand me. I wonder what will happen when the spousal support kicks in. I know I'm not getting much, but at least it will take it out of her pocket.
Thanks Again,
Jean

[jo929]

If there is anyway possible do not give your husband a divorce, i have seen lots of marriages break up after 30 years and it is all due to a younger woman, he has found someone he thinks he wants to marry, so do not let him, maybe he will come to his senses, if not at least he cant marry her I am sorry that you are going through this for this is a low blow, ask him what happened to the young couple that used to be so much in love, ask him where that young man has gone, also ask him if he would like to be treated this way, when they meet a younger woman, all they think with is below the waist. hang in there and fight, and if you cant win take him for all the money he has  luck  jo

[therese83]

It is like an illness in some men.
My husband is the same, we were fine (actually we were the crazy in love couple for 25 years and sooo compatible), it actually started one day, most women can say the day it started.  He completely changed, the look in his eyes.

It is like a panic, i need to get out there.
It is cruel beyond belief.  
I met another wife in same boat only 10 years ahead of me.
the men go through phases
THE ******* PHASE
THE GUILTY PHASE
THE KING OF THE JUNGLE PHASE (USUALLY WITH A WOMAN 20 YEARS YOUNGER)
THE DEPRESSION AND REGRET STAGE,
Because they loose that intimacy, that mature love that lasted so long.  They loose more than they gain in the end believe me.

Why do nice people get treated like this.

[BoHager]

I might have some insight for you but feel alot of anger (just caused). I have pretty good idea what might be going , on cause I am a guy

[missy877]

your story (and that of Goldie) sounds devastatingly familiar to me.  After 25 years in what I thought was a wonderful marriage, my husband just told me a month ago that he didn't love me anymore and that he hadn't been happy for some time.  The signs leading up to this revelation were classic midlife crisis.  He began spending hours on the computer talking to an old high school girlfriend on face book. He began spending the rest of his time at the gym or listening to chick music.  Anyway long story short, the best thing for those of us in this situation to do is research all we can on midlife crisis...because that is what this is...affairs and all.  We have to decide if we still want theses bozos in our lives (I still want my cheating looser back) But we can't force anything.  Even if we could force them to stay, it would backfire because love can't be forced.  Here's what we have to do if we want any chance of keeping the dunder-headed fools. Stop crying and paste on a smile.  Be their best friends.  That's it.  We have the edge here because we have been their best friends for decades.  (The Jezabel hussie can't compete) This I have found so far in my spiral toward divorce is emotionally helpful.  The husband really wants you as a friend.  I now feel I haven't totally lost everything because I still have the dearest of friends- even if he is making the mistake of his life with a cheap Truck -Stop Trixie.  I digress.  This friendship thing helps me emotionally, though.  I think it will help you too if you can do it.  Do Not Ask him what you could have done to save the marriage, or what is so great about her, or why he did this to you and the kids...these type of questions don't work.  He has no answers for them and he is ashamed.  He will lash out at you and see you as a *****.  This will lighten his shame. You want him to feel that guilt don't you?  So let him see he is leaving the sweetest woman and the best friend he ever had. Believe me on this...forcing, begging, pleading will not work.  We have to let these mutton heads figure it out for themselves.  We have to fix up our appearance, be very friendly and kind, and wait.  Maybe we will meet someone else before they figure it out... would that be so bad?

[Cherie762]

Hi yes I know what your going through, my husband and I are divorcing.we are in a different stage than you. I have done soooo much soul searching crying etc..I finally figured out divorce actually is a death its death of marriage, dreams and hopes of growing old together thats why we go through stages of denial, hopes of getting back to gether,,,then you bargain say you or he will change everthing can will be fine.then you get angry the name calling an fault issues set in.finally there is acceptance. thats where we are you just say ok enough. lets grow up and do this the right way. we have three kids and we really dont want to be enemies we shall forever be bound by the children even when divoreced evn when children are grown..
about the mid life crisis yup I think its one f the main reasons for our split up/
starts w him loosing weight exercising..grooming self differently buying younger looking clothing..could he be cheating maybe I dont really care thats on him not me.Im letting go.we just now are 3 months into the divorce have figured out a joint custody agreement for kids, and are working on how to split assets and debts...the darn courts want people to figure this stuff out selfes and believe me its in your best intrest to do it for selfs you dont want some man woman in a black robe who will spend maybe 15 min w you deciding your life for you.
agree 100 % w poster above whom said seperation is only good if working towards something...we seperate now till divorce is final for the weekends we alternate.,,,,there is too much nit picking and argueing when we are both home for those two entire days and its a good plan for us..we will likely live together for a bout 2 more months..he needs time to move out and I understand that..
I know what ya mean too about standing by him then kinda feelinglike you get the short end of stick..I stood by my husband when he wanted to start own business we lived on near nothing for years,,stood by him while his best friends died of a year long battle of cancer...then I needed a real serious surgery of neck my vertebares was disinegrating..he went to Florida..my 18 yr old son took me to hospital and stood by me.
sad.

[lilmsd]

Hi,
   I have only been reading everyone post for just a few days, and I would like to say that I truely and deeply sympathize with each of you, and for what you guys have been through.  However, I must say that I get a little frustrated when I hear or read about women blaming other women for what their husband's have done.  By now you might think that at their age, they might just be mature enough to know better.  This is all a too common thing that happens each and everyday. You guys are not the only person(s) to have your husbands leave for other women.  I went through a similiar situation about 4 years ago. Only just the opposite.  I met a gentleman, who was much older than me.  He being 56 and I 36.  We met at a downtown local coffee shop.  The conversation was amazing, and the connection was instant.  We dated for 6 months before becoming intimate.   I know you guys might be thinking; WOW!!  Really, In all honesty, I was in love with him after 3 month, and wanted very much to express that love long before it happened.   If you know what I mean.   We lived life as if it were a fairy tale.  We shared everything; ie. thoughts, dreams, secrets, even talked about plans of getting married, and possibly starting a family since that he hadn't ever had children.    
   After celebrating our first years anniversary, his ex- older wife decided that she wanted to come back into the pic.  Long story short, I let him go, and blamed myself for what happened for a long time.  I could have been that little gold digging b__ch that every older women makes us out to be but i didn't choose to.  Sometimes I feel I should have.  It has been 4 years since our breakup, and I have long since picked up the peices, graduated with a double Masters in Psychology, started working on a Doctoral in Social Work, bought a new BMW, plus landed an incredible job.  I have an old saying" that I live by "never be so full of someone else, and empty of yourself".  You guys are incredible individuals and deserve only the best.  After the pain is gone the best is what you'll have to look forward too.

[lilmsd]

Hi
  I have read your devastating story, and can not even  begin to phathum what you have or are going through.  In all, you have to follow your own advice.  Whether this means sacrificing your self esteem by wanting to be with him or deciding upon letting him go.  Don't get me wrong I am not by any means criticizing what the others have said.  I only feel that by not getting a divorce from him could only hurt you more.  Sometimes we all loose sight of what is important in taking care of ourselves, by not letting go is only giving him power over you. You have already shown him and the world that you are a strong, and independent woman.  I think that we'd all agree that the 31 years of being a wife, and mother speaks clearly for itself.  I know that it is hard to forget, but try and find it in your heart to forgive.  When you allow someone to have control over you, the spirit dies.  In time all wounds heal.  Goldie, I think that  you are the most amazing person, with a warm heart and caring soul.  My advice to you would be to take a look at the amazing person you are in the mirror each day, and tell yourself that you are beautiful, and very much capable of being loved.  The pain won't last for long. I am sure he is already sorry that he left you.  Best of wishes

[storm170]

I feel for this person I myself am going through this same thing with my husben. Just one day out of the blue he tells me he loves me but not in love with me. Then to top it off he tells me that he has been with some then ask to come home and try to work things out. I say yes and that we can try but I am the only one working on trying to fix what went wrong. He on the other hand is still calling this other person and he has a second phone that they text and talk on. He knows I know about it and all I ever get told is they are just friends. All of this came about when my morther was very sick and passed away. Now I don't know what to think or really do I do love him but I don't feel he has the same feelings for me but again he says he wants to be there with me.

[lost1000]

I feel sorry for anyone going through a crises, male or female. I am currently going through it myself and for a long time I didn't know what was happening. A happy marrage of 23 years and all of a sudden I was in a downward sprial. I could write a book on what I have been through to date. I have only come to realise and acknowledge to myself that I was in Crises. Though this helped it still has not stopped. I have all of the feelings as the others and in reading articales on the subject I found myself ticking all of the boxes. Even the younger woman, though things did not progress to a physical affair, but the thing that scaried me the most is that if the oportunity was there I know I would have. I have been as open and honest with my wife as I can be. I am lucky to have her love and devotion but I don't know how long she can hang on for me.
One thing I have realised is that through the education system there was no heads up on the Male Midlife Crises. Women get plenty on Menoporse, but we get no warning at all. My understanding of a Midlife crises was that it was a joking point. When a guy got a motor bike or a sports car eveyone had a laugh. Well it's no laughing matter. I don't know how to stop it.

[mami1323]

I'm just very curious, what exactly do you feel?  Is it emotional, physical?  What are you lacking in your marriage that makes you feel that you need to look elsewhere?  Is it boredom?  Do you fear aging?  

[lost1000]

It was partly physical aches and pains but mostly emotional. I wasn't looking elseware at the time things crashed down. Looking back at my marriage it had become a bit routine and maybe a bit stale at home, but we had good times when we were away on vacations. We didn't fight and we both looked forward to the day when the kids left home so that we counld get are own lives back. When it finally happened nothing happened. We were like two birds in a cage and when the door was left open we didn't see it. Regarding the other woman, we both started working at this place at the same time. She and I always got on well and she flerted with me alot. In the early days this scared me, but I got used to it and we just got along well. She now has her own marital issues to deal with, but I didn't latch on because of this, there were other things happening I my life that contributed to it. Yes, aging does have something to do with it also, My father died at 46 from heart failure, two weeks before my 21st birthday and I have lived with this in the back of my mind for half my life and now I'm at that age and it became real.

[mami1323]

I guess people get so comfortable they forget how to get that spark back.  Plus, you are so preoccupied for years with the kids that they become your life.  I can understand how it happens.  I guess that's a huge fear of mine.  After years of being with someone do you get so bored that when someone shows some interest, you will allow that to take over?  I'm glad you've noticed it before it went to far.  Are you and your wife working through it currently?  I'm sorry about your father.  You have to try to live life to the fullest and not fear that the same will happen to you.

My relationship is 6 1/2 years along and he already had a 2 year affair.  We've gone through counseling and brought the love back.  He says he regretted it and really is ashamed for it.  My biggest fears are 1. he will get bored after years and years and do it again or 2. I will get bored and meet someone else I click with.  Although I'm more concerned with number 1 since I know I have better self control and understand consequences but I still fear number 2 since he did what he did and it may have changed the way I think in regards to how faithful does he deserve me to be.  However, I just don't think I could live with the guilt and would much rather walk away all together than hurt him or my son in that way.

Thanks for sharing.

[lost1000]

She always showed some interest but I think that it was her nature. Things are very tense between us at the moment. When she first separated I didn't feel any different towards her, though sorry that she was in this situation. We work at a hotel and she stayed there for a couple for weeks until she got a place for herself and son. During her stay she was confronted by her husband and the police were called to remove him. She later moved into her own place but straight after she called in sick and was away for a week. I became increasingly concerned for her welfare and this is when I lost control. I only see my future with my wife. She says that she knows that I love her but she thinks that I'm not in love with her anymore. I don't know the difference. There were also a few other triggers around the same time. My sister turned 50, my birthday again and my friend in pain. What chance did I have? Looking back I have been dealing with it, in a more milder form for about 10 years. I can't speak for your partner, but I don't feel the same attachment as my wife and you do. I never have. I have always had an independant streak in me and sometimes I feel smothered with love. I can't tell her this because it would confuse her more. My wife thinks that I cheated with my heart and I did.

[lost1000]

I've never had to deal with so much pain in my life. In the early times I would go for walks to try and clear my head. I once found myself in the next town sitting on a bus stop crying.

[mami1323]

Have you tried seeking a counseling?  You sound like you may have depression or perhaps a personality disorder that makes you feel detached.  

[lost1000]

I have just recently thought about talking to someone. I have had times that I felt depressed, but I come out of it after a day or so. It's just that this thing has been going on for six months straight and I can't get this other woman out of my head. I even took time away from work but it's like evey time I turn around I see her name. On car number plates, TV shows, movies, name badges when I go into stores and even phone operators, I can't get away and this only started 4 - 6 weeks ago. I may have to leave my work place, but for now I have to pay bills. As far as feeling detached, I don't think so, I just can't return the same level of love my wife expresses. I do love her and I think that that's why all of this hurts so much, that I would hurt her so much in this way.

[mami1323]

It's just a matter of getting over the other woman.  It will take time but keep doing your best to avoid her.  You got emotionally attached, that's not an easy thing to just get over.  Even though you want to and you don't want to hurt your wife, your feelings are involved.  You won't feel the same about your wife until you are over this other woman.  Can you try taking your wife out on a date or going away for the weekend to bring the spark back?

[lost1000]

Hi, one of the things we identified as an issue for us was that we only had one day a week together due to work. I have organised to take an extra day per month, which gives us a weekend together and sometimes a three day weekend. We normally try to go away for a dirty weekend. We also have had a couple of dates. We arranged to meet at the Mall, as you call it, after work and we have a coffee, a bit of retail theropy and dinner before going home. It has helped. And I know that I have to get over this other woman. It's hard when we cross paths at work. She normally speaks her mind with people but she won't say anything to me. Not even bugger off. Her silence is what causes me grief. I thought that if we could talk things over we could get through it and I could move on. I have worked with and become friends with many woman over the years and never have I become so attached as I have in this case.

[mami1323]

You have to be grateful for her silence because the more you speak with her the more attached you will get and you won't be able to move on.  There should be no communication with her at all.  No talking anything over because there is nothing to discuss.  She is what will cause friction in your home life.  So just try to enjoy your marriage, it sounds like you both are making efforts to getting the spark back.  

[lost1000]

What you say is right. We had a good marriage and life before all of this. I just want it back. I think she is still thinking of separation though. She sees a lot of change in me and I know I'm not the same person as before.
I know that you have had to deal with your own pain. I don't know if this helps you but it does help me. Thankyou. Did you guys separate at any point?

[mami1323]

I'm sorry, I hope she doesn't separate and tries to forgive you and make it work.  When I found out about my fiance's affair I kicked him out only for a few days.  We had discussed going to counseling and so I let him come back home.  Although even to this day I regret letting him back home so quickly.  Not that we aren't in a good place now but it took a really long time to get there and I think if I had given myself some more time to think things through then I would've perhaps have avoided the ups and downs so frequently.  I let him back in because I started to miss him but when he was there I just hated him.  I was so angry and our fights would be so escalated that I would get physical with him.  I felt like he was forcing himself back in my life when I wasn't ready to forgive him and eventually he got frustrated because of my inability to forgive him.  So we nearly separated a bunch of different times throughout the course of a year.  Eventually though, we just let go of the anger and decided that we need to give our family a real chance.  That didn't mean just work on his part but I had to let go of the anger and let down my wall a little.  I had to try and allow myself to love him again and try to trust him a little more each day.  If he was proving himself to me, I had to give it a chance.  So I did that.  I still struggle with things every now and then but I'm in a much happier place now.  Have you and your wife thought about going to counseling together?

[lost1000]

I was only out of the house for one night be for she ask me back home. What you have said is so much like what my wife is going through right now. Last night was a bad one. She struggles with trust, she was so angry and hurt. She is trying to compete with the other woman even though she has no idea of who she is or what she looks like and this is a point that she can't get past. I can't sacrifice the other woman for my sake. Vic doesn't even know that I still have to work with her. This makes the thought of counceling aukward. I also think that if she knew it would end the marriage. I cause her so much pain.

[mami1323]

Yeah, that would make things that much more difficult for your wife.  You see, I had a million questions and the more he hid from me, the angrier I got.  I felt like I had a right to ask questions about the other woman.  He didn't want to answer for fear it would hurt me even more to know.  Which it did but him not talking to me about it seemed to hinder my ability to move forward.  If I knew the woman my fiance had an affair with was still around him every day, that would be a deal breaker.  He met her at his job.  He's a personal trainer and she was once a client but she would see him there like every day because she was a member.  When he ended the affair, she left the gym and joined another gym.  If she had stayed, I would've forced him to find another place to work.  I wouldn't be able to trust him if I knew she was still there.  I don't feel like I have to compete anymore because he chose me and his son over her but I understand how your wife would feel that way.  Knowing how much time my fiance spent with the other woman and knowing that he mistreated me during that time, made me feel like she was more special than me.  She got my time, she got my attention, she got my affection and even though I gave birth to his child, she even got him away from our family.  So of course I felt that I was competing.  But there was one thing she didn't have and that was history.  We've had years together, I've been there when he lost his mother, I've been there to support him when he lost his jobs, I've been there to help take care of his older kids and now I'm there to be the mother of his child.  She couldn't compete with that.  Your wife will be ok, if she's chosen to work it out with you than she will one day be in a better place.  You just have to make sure you do your best to show her that you love her and that you will do whatever it takes to make her happy.  She has to know you are remorseful, even if that means you have to apologize every day of your life.  She has to regain trust again, even if you have to check in with her all day long.  She has to be able to have confidence that she will not lose you to anyone else.  If you can do this for her, she will recover.  But understand, it takes time and a lot of hard work.  Just be understanding, forgiveness does not come easy.

[lost1000]

We text and talk on the phone a few times each day. She just rang and said that she feels better and that she's not leaving. My son also works at the same Hotel as I do and that is an additional problem should Vic be given any information about the other woman. You know exactly what she is going through. I see it. I would push her away in the early stages and I could see it hurting her. I think that I pushed her away so that she would hate me. It was all so painful. Next time we talk I'll try to bring up our history together. It my give her something else to focus on.
Have a good night.

[mami1323]

I don't think it's necessary for your son to know what's going on.  This should be between you and your wife.  The more people know, the more humiliated your wife may feel.  I do understand what your wife is going through.  I'm sure to her you were her best friend, it's hard to see your best friend get a new one and you're not your the best friend any longer.  That's how I felt, here my best friend has a new best friend.  My fiance's mistress knew personal things about him that only I should've known.  She knew more about him than I did because I didn't think that we had such a bad relationship that he needed someone else.  My fiance pushed me away and would fight with me to get away.  Like the arguing would justify him going elsewhere.  It would make him feel better knowing we weren't getting along.  But he was the reason why we weren't getting along.  It was his guilt.  I'm glad I could help...keep making her feel like she's your world and it will get easier for her.

[lost1000]

Our children are 23 and 19 yrs, so they are aware of what is going on between us, but yes regarding the other woman I have keeped that to myself and one other person who is friends to both myself and her. Before all of this started in July we had a very comfortable life together. I had never entertained the thought of chasing another woman and I don't think I chased her as much as I became attached to her. This thing just grabbed hold of me one day and she can't understand that it could happen that quick. I quite often asked myself, "what's going on". I had no control of my feelings and normally I am a very controlled and quiet person. A big part of my job is to solve problems and I couldn't work this one out. I was a mess for about five weeks before I told my wife about my feelings for another woman, but she forced it out of me before I was ready to talk to her and things came out badly. If I had my time again I would not have told her. You know, my wife echos your words all the time.
I am relying on time to heal. I still struggle myself some days, but everday is a step closer to healing.

[mami1323]

Most women feel the same when they are recovering from an affair.  We go through the same hurt, the same feelings of betrayal, the same anger, the same trust issues, that is why it's good for her to find some support.  Have her read some books on recovering from affairs, it will show her that her feelings are completely normal.  The book that helped me was "Surviving Infidelity" and I just saw Dr. Phil yesterday and there was a man who was cheating on his wife and Dr. Phil brought on a couple who had gotten through it and the wife wrote a book "My husband's affair was the best thing that happened to me", the author is Anne Bercht.  I am going to read it next.  My point is, your wife needs to talk with other women about how she is feeling or get into counseling herself.  Counseling saved our relationship.  

[lost1000]

I was just thinking last night, what a help it would be for her to know that she is not alone in what she is feeling and going through. I will hunt down those books you mentioned. She does talk to a friend of hers that is experiencing similar problems in her relationship and she also talks to a work colleage who has her own councelling practice. We also spoke about concelling but I'm concerned that they may what to bring up details of the other woman as my wife finds this the hardest thing to deal with. That would be a stone wall. It's amazing that I could find someone across the other side of the world that I can talk to about this stuff. Even just to find this site. I somtimes think that fate is involved. This can't all be happening for no reason. We cuuised along for 23 years without a hicup. Yesterday I got home  and when I got out of the car I looked up and there was my wife in a new dress. She looked stunning. She gets a lot of looks when we're out and I don't mind. The next thing I knew we were in the bedroom. We haven't been like this since we were 25, and without kids. We have both had some good come out of it all as well. I have lost 50lb and my wife 35lb, in six months. A lot of stress involved but worth the results. We have our passion for each other back. But we also have our bad days. The other night we were on the floor, she was so angry and upset. She was pushing me and hitting me, but that's alright. I can take what ever she needs to express.
Good night

[mami1323]

The thing about counseling is that it helps her talk openly about the affair and also gives her tips on how to get through it, my fiance hated talking about it.  Refused to even talk about it and we worked around it.  It was hard to understand why he couldn't talk about it but it was embarrassing for him to discuss.  He hated what he did and regretted hurting me and losing precious time with our son that he will never get back.  So in therapy just express to her that you don't want to even talk about the other woman because she is unimportant.  Hopefully you could find other things to discuss.  Funny because once we went to counseling and started working on our relationship, we realized how much love had been lost between the two of us.  How much passion had dwindled, how we didn't put forth as much energy to keeping things fresh and exciting.  We were just living our lives, together but yet so much apart.  We let everything get in our way.  Once we realized that we let the love die, we were able to spark it again.  I realized I needed to spend more effort on making him feel wanted, needed and pay attention to his feelings, and he needed to do the same for me.  We both were so aggressive in the way we dealt with our issues.  Instead of communicating effectively we would go on attack mode and nothing was ever resolved and it led into serious resentment and that's why we gave up on the love part.  We loved each other but weren't paying attention to each other.  We weren't nurturing our relationship.  So I felt angry and bitter and neglected and built up a wall and focused on everything but him and he went to someone else who was giving him what I wasn't.  It was sad how we let it get so far.  His affair was basically a wake up call to both of us.  We knew we didn't want anyone else, he didn't even want his mistress, he wanted me and our family, he just didn't know how to get out of that relationship.  But once we put effort in rebuilding us as a couple, well we've done a pretty darn good job.  I went through those moments of rage, they do dwindle down as time goes on and as your wife recovers.  Just have patience and you will see.

[lost1000]

Thankyou.

[mami1323]

You are welcome....keep us posted on your progress.

[lost1000]

I thought it was over. After dinner on Friday night she looked over to me. I ask what's wrong. She started talking to me and told me how she was feeling. She asked me to leave. We talked calmly about how things had happened, how we both were feeling and she again brought up the other woman. She asked, again, to know what she looked like. I told her no. I can't do that. She said that I could save this marriage right now if I told her. I couldn't. I know it would finish our marriage if I told her. She continue to compete with someone she knows nothing about. We went to my daughter's hoome yesterday for her birthday. We both put on brave faces for the day. It was hard. When we got back home we talked some more. I asked if things had changed since Friday night. We talked about moving past her need to compete with this other person. She felt confused. She won't go to counceling, she donesn't feel ready yet. She told me that she hadn't even talked to her best friend about things, she is aware of our problems as I rang her when I first spoke to my wife about what was going on. I know that if I do have to go at some point, I won't come back. I still struggle with my own feelings. It's like a roller coaster.  

[mami1323]

I'm sorry, I understand how your wife feels.  Those ups and downs are so horrible.  You go one minute loving your significant other to the next minute wanting them to leave.  All I can say is have patience with her.  If she needs the space than give it to her.  She's trying hard to recover and it's not an easy thing to do.  

[lost1000]

We had another talk the other night. She can still see that I am stuggling. I am going to see a counsellor this evening. I hope this can help. My wife feels better though that I am going. It may help both of us.
Tony.

[mami1323]

Oh yeah definitely.  Its what made me give my fiance another chance...he had asked me if we could go and he wanted help.  Just showing you will do what it takes says a lot.

[lost1000]

The counselling went well yesterday. I feel more reassured about my feelings. But I think my wife may need to talk to someone also if she can't move on. it worried me when she told me that she hadn't been talking to her best friend.

[mami1323]

I wouldn't mind talking to her if you want.  I won't tell her who the woman is but you can tell her I have experience with affairs.  I can give you an email address.  Or have her go for some individual counseling herself.  She needs to work through her issues.

[lost1000]

I'll talk to her about that. I can't have her on this Forum in case she stumbles onto my stuff. She may also be a bit sensitive at the moment if she knew that I was talking openly about this to another woman. She doesn't what anyone to know that I have seen a counsellor, not even my family. I have to tread carefully. Thankyou for the offer and I have thought that it would be good for her to talk to you as you mirror her feelings so well.

[mami1323]

No I understand, my fiance is not aware that I wrote all these things about what has happened.  He would be furious.  He is embarrassed enough at what he did, to find out I put it out there on a public forum would probably be the end to our relationship.  Not to mention that I talk with men.

[lost1000]

It's sad I think because this has helped to settle me down. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't stumbled across you. It's given me somewhere to release my feelings and thoughts and to also gain an understanding of what my wife is feeling. That helps me to deal with these issues with more understanding. I also hope that you and other woman can get an understanding of how men think and feel. We are different, but it doesn't mean that we don't love you and sometimes we get confused. We simply are not used to expressing our feelings openly. My wife is also very embarrassed about what I did and that my family knows. She has a strained relationship with her family and is actually closer to mine. She held our marriage on a pedestal and would boast about it to others.

[mami1323]

I did the same, held our relationship and him on a pedestal and was shocked when he did what he did.  I trusted him enough to have a child with him.  I never did that with any other relationship.  That was the greatest gift I could give and felt completely blind sided when I found out he did what he did and especially when I was pregnant with our child.  It was a stab in the back.  Everyone thought we had the perfect relationship, they thought we were an outstanding couple.  It really changed a lot.

[lost1000]

It must have been terrible for you to have that happen at such a special time in your life.

Our friends and families thought the same about us. She was my first love. I meet her at work. I was a very shy person and I was always scared of being rejected by girls. However, I plucked up enough courage to ask her out and she said yes. Funny thing, I was called out to a Bushfire that afternoon and stood her up. No mobile phones in those days. I called her later that evening to appologise and things went on from there. I proposed after a few weeks and we were married within 5 months. Been happy and content for 23 years. I hate this thing that happened. I feel like if we stay together we will have this thing haunting us for the rest of our marriage. I don't know if we can withstand such changes after such a long time together. I know she needs to talk to someone about it. I don't know how bad things will have to get before she does. It might be too late by then. She says she just can't get past it and feels that talking won't change that. Maybe it won't. Yesterday afternoon was better though. I worry about her state of mind. Just before we met, she was in a bad place, mentally, and did something silly. I'm scared if we split she could do it again. I think she is stronger now though and she would have to support from the kids. They're great around her these days.

[mami1323]

Yes, it was rough, it tainted my experience.  My first pregnancy ruined, the birth of my son ruined, the first year of his life ruined.  But I'm trying to move past that and have slowly been letting go of the anger and resentment.  I think your wife just needs time.  I felt that we now have this stigma over our relationship.  Like now I can never say my man never cheated on me.  But no relationship is perfect and you would be surprised to learn that so many relationships deal with infidelity.  Some days for your wife will be good and some will be bad but as time goes on her bad days will be less and less.  My fiance worked a security job at a bar/lounge Thursday night and I didn't even get anxious and I didn't have any distrust.  He came home earlier than I thought he would and I had no doubts.  A few months ago I would've been struggling with it.  I hope she does find some support.  Have her read that book "my husband's affair was the best thing that happened to me", I really think that would help her.

[lost1000]

I find the hardest thing to deal with is that my failure were my feelings. I felt something for another woman. There was no physical betrayal and yet I'm treated the some as if there was. People feel sadness, happiness, loneliness, love and much more and I don't think that you can just turn feelings off. I know that they can be controlled and I lost control. I had so much of my own conflict to deal with at the time. I can understand to a point that it upsets my wife but...I didn't physically cheat on her. She says that she could never have feelings for someone else, well I didn't expect to either. I know she feels that I fell out of love with her and I quess that that's what hurts her the most from all of this. I will try to find the book, but she is not a reader. I will have to ask her if she is interested in reading it first.
I left my note book at home the other day and she went through it looking for a name or number. She also will go through my phone contacts at times when the opportunity arises. She tells me. I hope you're right and the bad times fade. We did have a good week prior. Thanks again Mami.

[mami1323]

I think emotional attachments are just as dangerous and even though it wasn't sexual yet it might have led there eventually. One of the ladies on here is dealing with her husband's emotional affair. He cut it off before it became more but her feelings of betrayal are just the same. Her hurt and trust issues are the same. My fiancé had both the emotional and physical affair but it started as a friendship. That's what hurt so badly. I think if he had a one night stand I could've dealt better with that but he got attached to her. To the point where he struggled with ending it with her. He knew he wanted me and his son but was sad to lose her and that's what hurt me the most. He could see me hurt but yet her feelings mattered to him to. I just couldn't fathom that. Looking back now I understand it but at the time when we were going through it I was just fueled with anger and hatred for the both of them. She told him she loved him. How dare you tell a man who isn't yours to tell him that. She didn't care about my feelings or my son's. It was horrible. So I completely see how your wife feels.

[lost1000]

I understand and you're right, it would have gone further if the opportunity was there. I knew that and that's what caused me so much conflict. The physical and emotional pain that it caused me was unbelieveable, it was as bad or worst then the day I lost my father and the pain went on much longer. I'm lucky that Lisa is such a strong person because I had no control of my emotions at that time. Lately I have found that my attachment to her has eased. I don't see her name anymore and that's nice, it was getting a bit much. I now feel that when I find another job I would leave, whereas before I would have passed up a job to stay. I'm looking forward to a new start, actually. I know that things between us will be much better when I get out of there and especially if I get work near home. When we drive passed my Hotel she can't even look at it.
Take care.

[Estimate137]

I am in a similar situation to some of you above and boy, can I relate to what you are saying.  It has been excellent reading your stories and comments.

I was married 24 years, we had finally achieved all we aimed for, my husband had retired and I wanted to keep on working but we had received financial comfort and had a lifetime ahead - we had literally everything we had worked for.

I can see some warning signs now - he started to spend more and more time on the computer - that became his life - but I left him to it as he said that was his creative side wanting to express itself or some such nonsense.

I had to visit my mother then returned and found he'd had an affair with a woman I actually had meant once or twice - an ordinary woman, in a not too happy marriage with two young kids.  He hates kids by the way.

When I started looking into what he was up to he's actually been prowling around the internet for years and in some cases acting like a real predator and grooming women... he's still doing it now but I've kicked him out.

I did love him for all that time - I did everything - but I can't life with this shattering of trust.  It's broken and can never be replaced.

Angry - yes I'm angry - and I'm also very very angry at the 'other' women, even though I know she's a victim, I feel the need to shatter her life as much as she has shattered mine - but something is stopping me - maybe because of Karma - she will get her dues in due course......

I don't know - this is a long and painful process and I'm just starting out.

[lost1000]

Hi, at first when this thing started with me I had no idea what was going on with me. At no time was I ever looking for another woman. Our marriage of 23yrs was near perfect. Two great kids and a comfortable lifestyle. These feelings came from nowhere and I could not deal with them. Mami has helped me deal with a lot of these feelings and to also help me to understand what my wife was going through, once I opened up to her. It has been the most painful life experience ever. We are doing well now though I still am dealing with these feelings. The other woman involved has had her own problems to deal with and we have kept apart. She was never to blame for what developed in me.
This forum has been a huge help and comfort to me when I needed to talk to someone, (Mami). I hope that it can also help you along the way to a happier place.

[mami1323]

Thank you lost, I'm glad I could help.  You've come a long way and I'm glad your marriage has survived.  Estimate I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It is a very painful experience.  Especially when you have been with someone who you thought you knew and it turned out, they weren't who they seemed to be.  I don't blame you for being angry with the women.  I know I was really hurt and angry with the women who helped to ruin my life.  However, you are correct, karma will win out in the end.  We are here if you need to talk or to vent.  I hope you can start your life over and know that there wasn't anything that you did wrong.  Hope you can find some peace and happiness soon.

[Estimate137]

Time is healing and I am lucky in that I am in a vibrant and stimulating job with good friends - but every now and then, as I am driving somewhere or turn to look at something, doing the most mundane things - I think of how my husband of 24 betrayed me - and can't even articulate what happened or even say sorry.

He simply walked away from everything - his second daughter (who I helped raise) she had a baby a few days ago and he hasn't even rung to say congratulations or check on how she is.  It is his mother's birthday today and he hasn't contacted her.

We chat every now and then - I kicked him out about two months ago - and he swings been massive anger and blaming me for everything and being concilatory as if nothing had happened, or if it was it was such a minor transgression that it means nothing.

I simply don't know who he is anymore, and I would never never even contemplate a life together - yet if someone had told me this would be happening even five months ago I would not have believed them.

Tell me more about what has happened to you and how long does this go on for - I'm still very new to this 'game'..... and while the calm is increasing the shafting hurt strikes at the oddest moments.

[lost1000]

Hi, as for how long it goes for, I can't answer that as I haven't got there yet. For me I have been going through this for the last 10 months. It wasn't until last December that I even acknowledged, to myself, that I was having a 'Life crises'. Prior to that I was totally confused and a mess as I didn't know what had come over me.

I think it all started with my friend. She split from her husband, and while this didn't change our relationship at that point, it lead to it. I know now that she is also dealing with a 'Life crises', but she doesn't know it. What triggered me off was a point when she suddenly was off work for a week, after a confrontation with her husband were we both work. I become so concerned for her that it brought out feelings for her I didn't know I had. I couldn't control these feelings. I have been married for 24 years this month and it was a happy and content marriage up to this point. I might add that we are both still together and happy, through a lot of talking, tears and anger.

When I eventually told my wife about these feelings for another woman, I crushed her. To do that to someone you love is terrible, but it just come out one day. My wife had known for sometime that there was something wrong with me, but never contempated that. I thought that I could handle it and it would pass, but no. I would push her away. I just wanted to be alone and run away. The only thing that stopped me was that I at least reconised that this was not normal for me. So I resisted these urges and I'm glad I did. I did, however, Google 'Mid Life Crises in Men', and I found that I fitted the mould perfectly. The thing is you can't be told, you have to figure it out yourself. The best advise I read for partners on the other end of it is that you have to look after yourself first. The person going through this has to go through it. I turn 50 this year and I don't want to.

Nobody expects this sort of thing to happen to them nor do they want it. I feel as though I could right a book on what I've been through to date. I don't think that he knows who he is at the moment.

Through all of this, to me it was never about her even though she was the trigger, it was what in the hell is wrong with me all of a sudden. Now, I have to bottle it up a lot and shield my wife from it. I can't hurt her again like I did. I use this place to chat to Mami when I need to. She has been great and I am luckly that she found me.

I did go to Councelling a couple of times, but by that time I was answering a lot of my own questions. For me, the suggestion of Councelling before I understood what's going on, would have been met with anger. The very suggestion that I was have a 'Life crises' did not go down well.

Try to Google those sites I mentioned, they helped me to understand.

I hope to have that inner peace again soon.

Take care.

[sadinca]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can totally relate, except my husband and I were actually divorced and living together for the last 10 years, we had been divorced for 2 1/2 years and married 4 years before that.  Hope that makes sense.  Two years ago he asked me to leave and I suspected he was having an affair, which I'm positive he did, but would not admit it.  My neighbor had seen him talking to a woman and I myself found little things around the house.  Last year he kept talking about taking off in an RV and that if he has to wait for me to retire he'll never get to do what he wants to do and he'll be too old to drive an RV and his diabetes will be worse...etc...anyhow, he called me at work one day said he'd packed all my stuff and wanted me to leave.  I was so shocked and hurt, although I do admit I saw this coming as he'd been getting rid of stuff at the house.  Two months after that he had a small RV and left to Arizona.  No explanation, would not talk to me, wouldn't look me in the face.  I have no idea what he's doing.  I cry off and on and sometimes I think maybe he's going through a midlife crisis...I don't know.  I don't know if there's another woman.  Our life had actually become pretty routine as all he talked about was saving money for an RV and he wouldn't want to go out or do anything.  I'm trying my best to be strong and go on, but I have my moments.

[Estimate137]

I am going through something similar - in that my partner/husband of 24 years suddenly went through a mid-life crisis but I didn't know what it was at that time, and we've now separated and I feel like my heart and soul are breaking.

I've read a lot about male mid-life crisis and he ticks every box - but I didn't know what it was so hindsight can't help - but even if I had know more before I don't think there would have been anything I could have done.

It's in their heads.... it's their problem, that's a fact, but that doesn't help you or me..... it's devastating - but, and I don't know if this will help, you are not alone, there are a lot of us out there grabbling with the same issues and wondering how the man they loved so long could do what they have done.

[orangebutterflies0528]

Thank you guys for your comments. It has helped me understand a little bit better.  I have been with my bf for 2 years and we just had a baby 6 months ago. He was having an emotional affair with a girl in Montana and then he cheated on me with her when our son was 4 months old. I was devasted and dont really know where to go from here. We broke up but he is still living with me. Its just so hard....

[mami1323]

I'm sorry orangebutterflies. I am all too familiar with the pain you are experiencing. I hope you can figure it out soon enough so you can begin healing. I have created an infidelity group if you would like to join. My heart goes out to you.

[Coromandel1980]

i can't take this  heartbreak anymore.  i feel like a knife has been twisted into my back and each day it gets deeper.  i've gone insane and i don't even want to go on anymore.  i can't deal, help, please.  all his friends were our friends they sided with him now i'm the big bad monster.  i never did anything to deserve this how can you men be so heartless and cruel? you hit 40 and disappear, and think that's totally alright?    

[lost1000]

Hang in there. I was once at a stage were I was driving along and I thought that if a truck took me out there and then I would be OK with that. Thankfully that feeling has passed. There is so much more to life. You are young and there will be better times ahead, I'm sure. Unfotunately pain is a part of life, as is love and joy. You will get through this. You're not alone.

My thoughts are with you.

[esperanza1949]

Anyone going through a mid life divorce, my heart goes out to you.  I was married for 39 years.  My husband had cheated on me during our marriage but i chose to stay because i did not want my children to grow up without a father.  I am old school, Hispanic, and thought i should bear all the pain.  In Oct of 2009 my husband went on a business trip to Ohio. Before he left he told me how much he loved me, and he would not be the man he was if it were not for me, putting up with all he did.  I really believed all the bad times were behind us.  We were getting ready to retire and making plans.  
He left for Ohio.  He only called me twice while he was gone. He returned on a Sat. and was suppose to be back Fri.  He was very mad at me for trying to reach him while he was gone.  I read a text from a woman he brought back from Ohio with him and she was waiting for him, somewhere.  He was to meet her that Monday morning.  Come to find out she was the neice of the one of the men who works in his office.  She has been married and divorced 4 times.  Many hurtful things were said, things that will stay with me forever.  My children are devasted.  Our grandchildren that adored him do not understand.  My heart is broken.  He was my first and only love.  I devoted my life to him and our children.  I feel like such a fool.  
We are divorced now.  Him and his girlfriend live here in the same town with me and my children.  He rarely contacts our children.  We were all disposable!  

[esperanza1949]

Please hang in there i know exactly what you are feeling.  I wish i knew the words to say to make you feel a little better.  I promise it does get a little easier with time.  Remember your family loves and needs you.  That is the only reason i am here today.  My Kids!!  Please hang tight and know that it will get easier.  If you believe in God ask him to help you.  It could be worse!  

[lexicon66]

My wife dumped me people just do this because they are pieces of ****. Your husband is a gift wraped **** I know what you are going through but this is life we think we know people then they change on you and cheat on you no matter how much you want things to work out they just don't and it hurts.

[angela486]

I'm sitting on a ticking time-bomb. My time will come, I know. He already looks at porn. I am aware that he does not get the same buzz out of me that he used to. He used to hang on my every word. He used to adore me. But those days are long gone. Everything changed when he reached 41. Now my menopause is fast-approaching. I don't hold out much hope for our future. He already criticizes my lack of libido. I can't keep up with him. That's why he uses the porn. He also loves the company of younger women. It's nature, I suppose. Men can't help it. It's part of their animal nature to be attracted to the young and fit. A man's virility outlasts his female partner by many years.

[Lynn579]

I don't know where you are and what ever happened to you but I hope things worked out. My husband did the same thing to me after 23 years. I am falling apart. I've experienced stress related issues and financial difficulty. Anyway, all these people telling you it's your fault are wrong. He walked out on you. I hope you're ok and you got your life together cause it would be an inspiration to me if you have.

[diamond1217]

wow, listening to all this i can relate. Its going on two years of this when i decided im not taking this **** no more. I have lost my job becuz they closed down. and i'm  husband less now and homeless becuz of him. one week my brother dies and the following week his mothers dies. i thought and prayed it would change things but it didnt it only got worse. I'm n the middle of getting a divorce and going n his pocket something i never did!
Trying to get passed it. hes a selfish man. thk god we have no kids. i gave him 27 years and out of that i was married for 13 years. yes he has to be going thru a midlife crisis he says no. thats a lie! but im moving on with my life selling my home becuz i need to get away from him for good. there no turning back. hangin out coming home late please i know the signs already and enough is enough.  

[meg1963]

I thought like a fool that i was the only one to have had to deal with a bad bust up My husband left me for a girl 24 years his junior, i saw some of the signs and believe he was suffering a midlife crisis. We are now going through a divorce he believes he has found complete happiness with this girl we were married for 16 years. we had no children because he is sterile but he thinks all this modern medicine will help him to start a family with her. i have beautiful children from a previous marriage that treated him better than their own father,i suffered a major stroke three weeks after he left me to start his new life. I will always love him but can't be bothered with him and his sparkling new life.I believe what goes around comes around and Karma is a B...h.

[Risen1]

I went through a similar situation exactly like you. My husband left me for another woman ( I got all the e-mails which she sent to him and could see what a trash she is).I tried everything in my power to help him out. I went on with my life  in a very dignified manner. I am really happy, I could do that. People admire me for my strength, character and integrity. I am proud of myself. My sincere advice is go on with your life. God has  a plan for you. He will take care of you. I know, you already survived. Please don't wait for him. It is not worth. Do you want a person who became a trash. We never keep trash, Right. We throw trash away.

[heartbroken812]

I am like the rest of you.  I was married for 17 years and he left and I have just found out that he has moved in with someone who I know of and she has a reputation of living with men and ripping them off.  She has been taken to court three times by her ex's for stealing money from them.  My husband knows this and does not seem to care and he has been warned by a few people.  He has refused to answer my emails and phone calls and this has devasted me.  I just feel sick all the time.  He finally answered my email today as I am trying to sell our house and said that he will only answer my emails and will not answer any phone calls to his mobile, home or work.  That makes me feel like a piece of trash.  He said that you cannot help who you meet or fall in love with.  I can understand that but to live with a girl after three months that has this reputation is beyond me.  The hardest part is not being able to talk to him about anything. How do I cope with this as I can't.  I am heart broken. It is so not like him to treat me this way.

[infidelity]

Hi Goldie and Esperanza    

I know what you are going through with my greatest sympathy and best wishes. I was married for 32 years with 3 grown up children and 6 grandchildren. I met my ex husband when i was 17 and he was 19 and like you my best friend and soul mate. we were very happy but had our ups and downs like normal couples do. 5 years ago he left overnight with the clothes he was standing in, got a student flat, cut his hair short shacked up with a woman that he was seeing while at home. After 12 months of leaving without any reason or explanation why, until this other woman shown up again, that he yes he filed for divorse to me, even the sol had to laugh, on the divorse papers to me was that i threw a leather jacket away and went shopping instead of going camping with him, no mention of the affair or who the other alien was, I say alien because after 5 years now, after the devastation to me and my children i now feel that i am on the mother ship now and he is stuck with the alien ow. I still love him no matter what has happened ,but always remember, that has got me through this, we was and always will be  their 1st love and no alien can take that away from us, the other woman,they are the 2nd and will never have with them, what we had and that is memories of our love and family, sorry ladies who took our husbands all i can say to you all is, you obviously did not have a life before and preyed on others good fortune
He will never be happy as he will always carry the memories and the GUILT .

Have you ever read the book men are from mars and woman from venous, it is a insite to how a man from mars show no emotional or feellings to mankind and the woman from venous shows the love and the nurture to others, i hope you read my comment, and good luck, stick with it the pain gets easier, as i said get on that mother ship.
                                                                                                        

[infidelity]

I feel i need to comment to the wifes or partners that are going through the pain that i enjoured 5 years ago.  I do feel that the male midlife crisis  does exist, but us woman will never understand the behaviour behind it, they give no reason or explanation for their behaviour and put every emotional pain it was our fault, only when the other woman pops up, as i said on my last comment the alien, as we all feel as the wife, the alien has invaded my private life and my family.and as all us wifes feel should not of taken our good fortune I feel when the midlife crisis ends, the husband or ex husband will never have a relationship with the alien because of TRUST and they only stay because we did not want them, putting us through the pain was enough,  I was told that some men come from mars the book men are from mars woman from venous, to make the babies, and then they go through life leaving us with the shell with nothing in it, some men may comment on this, but sorry men i am a wife that has been let down by the only man i loved, and hope to help the other woman going through the same thing, The other woman will never replace you, you hold the most precious thing and that is the true love and the memories, they are the fantasy and the false one. Best wishes to you all and good luck, like i said before get on the mother ship that is the best, to me you are in control of the alien.

[Springtiger]

Midlife crisis are an intense emotional breakdown brought on with the advancement of age, or even just perceived aging. I am really nervous my husband will get it really bad, he has always been neurotic and anxious, at 20 he was genuinely worried when he had a gray hair and when he god a bad cold/fever he hoped it wasn't cancer... I try to prepare myself for identifying it, and getting us into counseling or saving up for a spontaneous trip to Australia (his dream land) something to bring him out of the dumps, he also has a history of depression as do i. I think the hardest part would be to get him to counseling, even though he sent me when i was depressed and he knows it works...

www.creditscore.net/midlife-crisis
This is a more light hearted take on the midlife crisis. hope everything works out!

[HessyKat]

I am totally just amazed at how many of us woman this has happened too. I also lost my husband a year ago the day before Christmas he had started being so verbally abusive, on the computer looking at porn and so on. Then he left like I said the day before Christmas. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for 8days. He came to visit once and I found out he had his new girlfriend drive him there to see me. When I got out I had no idea where he was. Weeks went by and finally he called and had moved in with her in another state. Said he loved me so much. Said he would come home if I said to. I told him NO. It has been a year and I finally have filed for divorce and changed my number. His son from his previous marriage who is 21 came to see me. Said that his dad hated the other woman but was stuck with her now. Went over there and got in trouble with the police and she put her house up on bond. All kinds of crazy things he told me. I think he is on drugs with her. Im finally at a place where I am not hurting over him. I know he will use this girl and dump her when he is finished with all she has. Thank God he is gone from me. After 14yrs of marriage I dont think I knew the real him.

[blessed369]

Wow, I am totally amazed. I did not realize that there were so many other women going through my situation. After 24 1/2 years of marriage my ex-husband left me for a woman 12 years younger than him. In 2009 I got him cheating on me with another woman, we worked through that affair, or at least I thought we were working through it. Things were getting better lets say, but in Sept. of 2009 his cheating behavior started again, and even though he denied it, I knew. I left him, I moved from FL to KY, left a good paying job, lost all my furniture, and I have been struggling to support myself and my 3 teenage daughters ever since. We have even suffered through being homeless. With all this, I tried for 10 months after that to keep my marriage together, then I gave in and signed his divorce papers. I was divorced Jul 2010, he married his young girlfriend shortly after. However, denying that he cheated on me. Not until I decided that I did not cause this situation was I able to come to terms with myself. With a lot of praying and support from all my wonderful friends, I am finally pulling out. I am on my way up. God is raising me to a new place and making a better person out of me in the process. I had never heard of Mid-Life Crisis in Men, and it has answered a lot of questions for me. I just didn't understand how many people this affected. I thought maybe a few, but it goes a lot farther than that. When I first started going through this with my ex we weren't able to talk nice to each other, he would say things just to hurt me and swear it didn't want to hurt me, he wouldn't help financially support the girls until the court ordered it. He wouldn't call the girls, which broke their hearts. They were so devastated that their daddy chose someone like this younger woman over them, which he said he didn't. He refused to see anything through the girls eyes, or mine. He always justified what he did by blaming it on me. Now I know why. Quilt is hard to live with.

I'm happy to report that I am able to speak to my husband on the phone, and we even speak nicely to each other. We have a new grandson, which he has not seen yet, but he is only two month old. So hopefully, he will come see him soon. I pray for him all the time, I pray for my family. Yes, I still love him, very much. Am I crazy, maybe. But you see, I have been with this man since middle school, we didn't marry until we were in our 20's. So you see we have had a very long life together, with lots of history and lots of memories. That is something he will never be able to take from me. And the best thing is our 3 beautiful daughters. Like all the rest of you, I do believe in kharma. It even teaches about it in the bible. I do believe in the word of Jesus Christ. So I hope like my husband that all the rest of your husbands are prepared for what is about to come their way. So keep your heads up and just pray. God has a perfect plan for you!!!!!

[Hispana57]

I am in the process of divorce myself after 20 + years of marriage to a creep!  It sounds so common now a days. These men forget there marriage vows. They definitely do not do anything to help the situation! Our feelings mean nothing to them. Men forget that they are not the only one in the relationship. I have learned to separate myself from him and put all my love and caring for myself. I told him after a couple of months that I was over him. Meaning I have no more love and caring about you. Please keep in mind if you go back granted the cheating and abandonment will happen again. We women need to get smart and move on. He did me a favor I am so happy not having him around until my divorce is finalized. I did everything right and I will not tolerate his stupidity. I really am so sorry for all of us who have similar situations. Think about you and treat yourself as # 1 always believe me you will get through it. I won't lie I was devasted when I was presented with divorce papers which I was at no fault of. We can do it ladies let's show them that we are better than they are! God Bless You All!!!!!

[GodsWoman098]

I was married with 3 of his sons youngest being 3 wks old when my ex left. Yes I was devastated, angry not for him not wanting me but for how he left, no talking no counseling etc. First I had to go back and realize how we even started a relationship and decided to get married. When I was truly honest to myself God was no where in the picture. It was what I wanted, when I wanted and thought it would work and he likewise. He was not into church and still is not, so there were really no deep moral values on his part. I went through him and the affair with another women and I could have stayed like esperanza1949 stated," i did not want my children to grow up without a father."  But I chose to seek my heavenly Father, I prayed and asked God if this marriage is not of you, please remove me from it. My husband eventually filed for a divorce to be with the other women. I was hurt and he told me that no one would ever want me with three children. If I would of stooped to his level and begin to think that, then I guess nobody would want me. Instead I rose above that start putting my energy into being who God would have me to be. It affected my sons but I raised them to forgive their father no matter what, and they are not responsible how he treats them, but they are responsible for their actions toward him. I further raised and encouaged them that they have a heavenly Father who promised to never leave them nor forsake them and if truth be told he is the one that is and will always be the one who takes care of them, and if they were to look back over their lives and think things over, God has never left them yet. that has been 18 yrs. I have one son in manangement for ATT, two are in college with one graduating in May, yes their father never attended a graduation, prom football game or anything.....but as one of my sons wrote in an essay, outside the frustrations he did have towards his father....his father actions only made him a stronger man as to never want to do this to his family when he marries...... No matter what comes he has a heavenly father in whom he can rely on.......As for me right after the filing and a week of being mad, there was such a peace that came over me, I could breathe again...in fact about six months later I ran into the other women, she wanted to run to avoid me I said no, I just wanted to thank you and wish you had done it much sooner. If I would have worried about the children having a dad that was unhappy, fighting me and drinking from anxiety, then they possibly would have picked up the traits... and that would not have been healthy for them mentally..... I lived sixteen years without him raised my three sons, may not at times had the things we wanted but we always had what we needed and he still yet blessed us at times beyond that......I read a lot of commens where women where angry wanting to take them to the bank..YOU CAN'T MAKE NOBODY WANT YOU and I surely don't want anyone that doesn't want me.....trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to thine own understanding in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He  shall direct thy path.........no matter how much you love a man, TRUST GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE!!!!!!  HE WONT LET YOU DOWN!!! NOT YOUR WILL BUT LET GOD'S WILL BE DONE IN YOUR LIVES.......AND SOMETIMES HIS WAYS OR NOT OUR WAYS AND HIS THOUGHTS ARE NOT OUR THOUGHTS......BUT HE KNOWS WHATS BEST FOR US EVEN THOUGH OUR WEARY and TEARY EYES CANNOT SEE........WHOM GOD PUTS TOGETHER I TRULY BELIEVE THAT NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN PUT ASUNDER...........As for our children put them in God's hands, I don't know of any of his children that He has dropped...........TO ALL BE ENCOURAGED......

[Kate8529]

He's seeing another woman. Oh dear, brace yourself for these upcoming months. It's going to hurt like he'll- literally. Your best defense is to call on your hero- she' there inside you. She is called your intuition, and she will lead you through it. You will experience fear, despair, anger, sorrow, jealousy, rage and then grief, which is most confusing. Allow your body to experience to feelings, that is it's way of purging the pain and restoring balance to this loss. Look to the future by seeking new dreams. This glimpse of hope will be your lifeline. And your guide will be your Inner guide- intuition. Be good to yourself. Don't let him lie to you. Set your boundaries and most of all take much care-

[lorrainecook2012]

Maybe he was just having a bad day. Sometimes, when we are too down, we say things not meant to be said and just leave it alone undone. Just try to understand him at the moment, give him time to relax and have a peace of mind. Do not try to make things worse, by having some second-thoughts like you accuse him of having an affair to another woman that is why he said that. You would just make things worse if you tell that. You would just also add jealousy in relationships which is not helpful at the moment. So just be calm and be the wife your husband needs.

[casinocats172]

I can fully understand what you are going through. My husband will be my ex-next month left me the same way because his so called 20 ys. old daughter told him to go back to her mother. Throwing him into an mlc at age 42. I had been with him 20 yrs. (12 married) and we have a 6 yr. old son whom he doesn't see but every other weekend. I have felt the same way you have. How can one change so quickly and overnight and turn off all the history we had together. I have filed for divorce to protect myself and my child from his immature irresponsibilities of late. I wish he would apologize for all the hurts he caused this famiily too and acknowledge he is wrong but he is too angry right now to see he is wrong. I miss him so much but I can't live like this forever it hurts to much. Audrey

[rosemarie5282]

My  heart aches for you. I have been going through the exact same thing with my husband. We were together 30 very happy years, in fact all our friends were openly jealous about how much we were still in love then one day I discovered he had been living with another woman for 8 months. He is an expat living in Africa and would come home to me on leave breaks. He told me he still loves me but he has fallen in love with her. I kind of understood that him living so far away he was craving the company however after him telling me it was over with her and I was the only woman in his life I then discovered he was still seeing her and he explained to me that he wanted to keep us both. SELFISH!!!
He has hurt all of his family, his kids and he has completely devestated me. Now he has decided to come home to a new job here but get this....he is bringing his golddigger with him. She has proved over and over that she is only after his money and goes out partying when he is away. She even generously gave us all an STD. But he still doesnt see what a nasty woman she is.
Men are always saying that they cant work out woman...........well I have to say middle age men are far more complicated than any woman I know.

[Terj57]

I have been sitting here for an hour reading all the things that i thought only i was going through. i cant believe i am not alone. 32 years married more than 1/2 my life and 6 months ago my husband told me like alot of you he wasn't in love with me anymore. didn't see that one coming although i should have. He joined a gym changed the clothes and now  i find out he has a 30 something girlfriend he had been seeing since last fall. i am devastated to say the least. I have loved this man almost all my life. All our children are grown and we have 5 grandchildren, now he is seeing someone with young children. This was supposed to be the time in our lives for us now.I wish i could understand it all. I moved into a small apt and am trying to cope divorce is pending, the hardest part for me right now is the loneliness, and isolation and betrayal i feel. i just am having a hard time moving forward. So much history, forever. I cant stop asking the question WHY?  

[needfaithnow]

I know of the loneliness you speak of. On my 19th anniversary my husband was caught lying about some text messaging then finally admitted he was texting another woman after I had already saw the text. He began to tell me that out of our 21 total years together that the last 13 he was unhappy but was "pretending" for the sake of our daughter. I don't believe him when he says it was 13 years because we have had an amazing life and it seemed to get better with each year.  So of course I am depressed and hurt by his inability to communicate with me without all the poison that comes from his mouth.  He tried to convince me and others it was because of me that he is leaving but I am not taking responsibility for this because I am a good wife and mother and I work hard for everyone. He went to counseling for 4 sessions, the first 2 we argued, the next one we did some work and the last one he used to tell me he was done with me. He loves telling me how done with me he is and how he is moving on. He changed bank accounts behind my back and even refinanced one of the cars without my knowledge. He is sneaky and cold.  He is treating our daughter badly just because she is not responding to him the way he wants her to respond.  He just leaves her and does not talk to her. He always has bad remarks to say about me.  In 21 years he has never seem me mad to the point of being physical but he has driven me to the point of suicidal and crazy!  I lost too much weight and now I am under 100 lbs from the stress.  I do love him but I am losing the love because he wants to give me $1500 a month but the mortgage is $3200 a month so what now? Do I lose the house and my husband? My daughter used to have this confidence in her that is lost. She is trying to be there with me every moment to make sure I am not crying or hurt.  In the midst of this my father has an aggressive form of stomach cancer and I am so upset with the news but I can't lean on the one person that I have been with  half my life and I am just angry and sad.  I hate the loneliest but I can't bring myself to ever love another.  I pray all day everyday and I stay in the Bible but the pain is still here and it is not leaving me.  I appreciate hearing a man's perspective of what goes on but at the same time, every man does not cheat or lie or walk away from the family otherwise women would just wait to meet men after they went through the crisis.  I am just keeping faith that God's will be done and somehow in my pain I will benefit from this.

[lindaz957]

Hi, We had just returned from a 30th anniversary trip to Hawaii, when 2 weeks later, my husband's girlfriend rang the phone at 10:30 pm on the 4th of July a year ago.  She asked for him by name and when he came to the phone he pretended it was a wrong # and hung up on her.  Then the doorbell rang and I knew my world as I knew it was coming to an end.  Our 20 year old son was home at the time and I wasn't ready to deal with telling him what I thought was happening so when the doorbell rang and my husband went flying out to deal with the girlfriend, I tried to distract my son and act like nothing was up.  
I had already been suspicious because I'd been diagnosed a year before with Herpes and HPV.  He tried to blame it on me saying I must have been fooling around with a boyfriend before we got married, but I'd never had sex before marriage.  When I was first diagnosed and in agony, his response was, "What have you been up to." which was very insulting.
I, too, thought we had a great marriage.  We have 3 grown children who are wonderful and now a granddaughter on the way.  I gave him a second chance and found out he had still been seeing her again.  I let him live downstairs for a while till he could get a place and after a few months suggested counseling yet again, which he agreed to.  After 1 month he called me while I was getting my hair done and told me he didn't want to try anymore.  That was 8 months ago and I made him move out the next day.  We are now in the process of figuring out a divorce settlement.  He hasn't talked to our kids about it, he just acts like everything is normal when he's with them.  He hasn't told anyone he works with or his own brothers and sister.  I did talk to his brother's wife and she told his brother who called to tell me that I will always be part of their family.  In the meantime, my own brother is terminally ill and my heart is broken.  
I have great faith in God and that is what gets me through each day.  Every day I hand all my worries and concerns over to Him and I concentrate on what is happening in that day.  I have some wonderful friends who care about me and my children are loving and supportive.  I know that one day, something good will happen in my life and I choose to be happy every day.  The sadness over my marriage is there and always will be, I just don't focus on it every minute of the day.

[hurtandcfsd]

I just got on this website today, and I myself am wondering if men go through some sort of crisis all of a sudden.  I have been with my husband for almost 11 years.  He hasn't mentioned divorce or separation or anything...yet.  But I almost feel as if he is pushing me to be the one to ask for it.  His actions, behaviors and the hurtful things he says to me are very out of character and I am finding myself speechless to the things that he is doing and saying.  We have always been so happy and I love him more than anything in the world and can't imagine my life without him.  But recent events have made me question what his intentions and priorities are and whether or not I hold a spot in his future.  Last night he was gloating about how he was telling a friend of ours not to propose to his girlfriend and all of the negative things that go with getting married.  and they were things like you can't go out and buy a 4-wheeler whenever you want, or parts for your toys, or go to strip clubs...basically he told him all of his freedom would be taken away from him when he put a ring on her finger and that she might seem great now, but as soon as he marries her all of that will change.  Made me feel like, wow...sorry your marriage is so terrible that you can't point out any positive reason to tell your friend to get married or congratulate him on his decision to take the next step.  I was utterly speechless and honestly don't think he has said anything else that has hurt me more than that conversation.  I haven't said anything to him about how I feel yet, not even sure what to say.  But that was definitely the worst of all the recent events and find myself for the first time truly questioning where I will be in a few months from now and whether or not he will be by my side and hurts more than anything.  I've given so much for him and sacrificed so much, and he has so much (toys and otherwise) I have nothing more to give!  I know he loves me, in some sort of way I think.  But I guess it's not enough.

I feel for you and your situation, I hope you can find happiness in your future.  I hope that one day he wakes up and realizes what he's lost.  I truly don't understand what happens in their head that makes them suddenly not care anymore.  I am realizing more and more all the time that it takes two to keep love alive, and why one suddenly wants more than that one person who truly loves them, who is there at every waking moment through thick and thin is beyond my understanding.

[lavendar222]

I am so sorry you are going through this, and that probably doesn't comfort you either.  I am 1.5 yrs into a separation. What you are experiencing is his Midlife Crisis. I too have been married for 30 yrs. I got the same speech. I spent the first year crying. It is a process.

My husband and I are now dating. I don't know if we will work out or not.
My advise to you is to read everything you can on Midlife Crisis...and just be kind to him, even when it's hard.

Hang in there, and God bless you on this journey.

[lolamorena]

midlife crisis....whatever....

The truth is that men in their mid 40's are mostly single and looking for a younger, more attractive, smarter woman that takes care of herself because it is then, in their 40's when they realize that their marriages sucked for 25 years and now they know what they really want...men's thought process is slow (no offense, but is the truth) so they marry young cause they probably got douped into it, worked their ***** off trying to raise a family while the woman stayed at home "with the kids", but really doing nothing, nagging all the time, eating everything they find, staying in their pajamas all day, 25 years later the man says "screw it" the kids are old enough to understand if I leave their mother....Women are clingy and they would stay just because they have it easy or because of habit...and the fact that they probably got too fat between having kids and staying home...25 years later they are so comfortable in the marriage they dont have the energy, education or looks to get out of a unsatisfactory but consistent relationship...

[10ewilks]

Is he cheating?

[mami1323]

What a sh*tty thing to write.  Let's see where you will end up down the line.  Bet you're the type of woman who preys on married men.  You have a lot to learn about life.  One day it will hit you hard.

[johnnyboy601]

Hi Goldie,
Hey it happened to me. I am a man married for 17years and knew my exwife for 20years. Inever cheated, was not a drinker, worked hard. I went through the I don't love you anymore stage from my exwife, i thought it was a joke. She had planned the divorce and things were already rolling and i never saw it coming. She alienated my three children, although i have equal rights after 2years of divorce just seeing son maybe once a month, no point fighting in court according to my solicitor if my children don't want to see me then i can't force them to. I know what your going through its like a bereavement and i am sorry for you, it does get easier. Even now i have my down days guess always will. Especially going back to a quiet lonely flat, still at least they have all home comforts. I always paid my responsibilities privately but was not enough for her so she went through CSA and told them i owed since day one. They did not even want to see my evidence of payments said private agreements has nothing to do with them, I now pay nearly 100pounds a week for two children have a debt and nearly lost my flat twice through miss payments. I can't even afford to live as have a low income job. I have been talked into taking half my mothers pension to help me, its hard on my pride. I have even wanted to leave this world but if not for love of family and friends i would have. I am still seraching for an honest woman and thought i met on internet but was scammed out of money that i did not have i borrowed. I know i was stupid but you know loneliness is a killer. All i am saying is there are deserving men out there, there is hope and maybe as i tell myself it was meant to be in order for a better life. Not sure why mine gets worse lol. See you must laugh. Take care and Good Luck, if ever you want to talk ***@****

[Wifeinwaiting]

My husband of 7 years was seeming a bit off in April and I had a dream that he was having an affair with Julia Roberts .. it left me with such a sinking feeling so I checked his phone for the first time ever and there were flirty texts from an initial and surname. I phoned her from his phone and told her hands off he’s a married man and confronted him. He said he was really embarrassed and it was just a flirtation and he would knock it on the head.

He became more and more secretive with his phone over the summer and his favourite contact was a man at work in the logs .. fair enough I thought … then he got a text from ‘John Smith’ with kisses on the end first thing one morning .. By this point he was taking the phone through to the spare room while he went for a shower in the ensuite .. there was only one text under the name – the others had been cleared out. He told me it was a girl from work who had been raped and he was trying to help her (his sister was raped as a teenager). He said he didn’t tell me about it because I made him ‘sick’ and he wanted to keep it out of the house .. and that I didn’t listen to him anyway …

He now takes the phone into the shower room with him and has changed the security pattern even after I had told him that I have serious issues with him always having the phone in sight. I asked him to stop keeping his phone with him and he shouted at me ‘ as you asked – No!!!’

He denies that he is having an affair .. and he never really goes out much but you don’t have to be a body language expert to know that something precious to him is in that phone .. he also clears down all his history etc after he uses the laptop …

He has used the ‘I love you but am not in love with you’ cliché … I want to leave him but I don’t want my 6 year old daughter to lose her home and her friends and I don’t want to miss out on seeing her every day.

[Wifeinwaiting]

I’ve just realised I’ve only told half of the story… He has lost weight since July … He says he’s not been sleeping (although he always seem to manage fine when I’m lying awake all night)…

We had a talk a few weeks back and he said that he thinks that we have been to busy being parents and not concentrated enough on being a couple. He doesn’t know where his head is at and what he wants. I have suggested counselling for both of us but he has said he may go himself (he’s the only one in his family who didn’t go to counselling when his sister was raped) . He doesn’t want ‘other’ issues to be brought out by couples counselling …

[GroovyDeeDee]

I have not posted before on this thread, but my story is out in the open in the "Infidelity" community.  

It is hard for me to comment here, because my painful event is sometimes still fresh.  

I went through very nearly the same thing as you about a year and a half ago, just to find out my husband of 18 years had reunited for a weekend or so with his highschool girlfriend from a quarter of a century ago.  She was madly in love with him, and begging him to leave me and enter into a new life with her.  She would threaten to tell me the whole story if he tried to break it off.  

In the end, I had to confront him.  I told him I knew there was something up, that the time on the phone and the texts, etc.  were enough to indicate something was going on outside the boundaries of what's proper for a married man.  

He finally fessed up that he had "feelings" for her, and they were in an online relationship.  He said he couldn't stop talking to her.  I told him I loved him, and wanted him to be happy, but that I couldn't share him.  I did not know they had already had their weekend "reunion" so I suggested they get together so he could make up his mind.  Meanwhile she was tormenting me with texts and facebook messages to make sure I knew they were talking every day, and that she knew personal details about my life.  

I tried HARD to conduct myself with dignity and grace.  I didn't succeed, but in the end - he chose me.  He agreed to get counseling, and we have worked very hard for over a year to get to where we are now.  

He is more loving and affectionate than ever.  He has become very spiritual, and has addressed issues with depression and anger that have plagued him for years.  

I have also addressed issues from my past, and we are both in a much healthier place.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it.  We are planning a re-commitment ceremony next summer on our 20th anniversary.  

The first step is to find your strength.  Know that you will move on, with or without him, and you will be ok. You will be happy again.  

Then tell him he has to choose.  It's not fair for him expect you to share his affection.  Get ready for lots of pain and struggles, but if your marriage is what you both want, fight to the death!  

Good luck!  

[jmp19551980]

This is a mirror of my life right now - 31 years as well. What has happened since you last posted?

[brice1967]

My wife, GroovyDeeDee posted above.  I'd like to add my two cents worth.
I don't know if I am going to do the story justice, but feel free to ask me or her questions.  The story is an open book and I have no reservations.

So fast forward to outting the affair.  I had admitted to it being an emotional affair, but she still knew something was up.  I eventually quit lying because I knew I had too, but I had no idea that I would have the opportunity to work on or try to repair my marriage.  My incredible wife allowed me that opportunity, and I am so thankful and grateful.

I ended up getting confused.  In my head there was this struggle that for some reason, my wife did not love me.  (I found out in therapy that that was my problem.  I didn't love myself so couldn't show love in return.)  I was denying her love because I had found outside acceptance.  (Part of this was because I had a poor self image.  I thought I was a poor provider, poor husband, poor father and otherwise sorry excuse for a man.... essentially I turned myself into that.)  So all the while I was being mean and nasty to my wife, I was being nice to this other woman.... at the same time, I would try to be nice back to my wife....  I was confused and literally confused the hell out of her.

Before I ended the affair, I began to see the other person for whom she really was.  I also began to realize that my marriage was what I wanted.  I also saw the real love that had always been there, in my wifes eyes.....

My incredible wife allowed me the opportunity to work on our marriage.  I addressed all of my demons and my wife had to as well.  It has been an extreme amount of work, numerous lessons learned, and I am more honored to have my wife's now than I was when we first fell in love.  

What needs to happen for you folks is, you need to start working on you.  Then you probably do need to confront him.... "it's me or her" type of thing.  (This is why you need to work on you... start a foundation for you to stand on because the ground around you will be shaky.)  If you both decide your marriage is worth trying to salvage, it will take 110% effort on both behalves.  It will take constant attention.  There will be plenty of crying, plenty of reliving the entire story, and therapy will be necessary as a couple and as individuals.

I feel like I am talking in circles.  Please get back to me or my wife for that matter with any questions...

Take care and good luck.

[doogiegirl]

PLEASE PLEASE email me.  Just going through the EXACT same thing.  ***@****

[God451]

When you tell your husband how old he is and look in the mirror, that justifies him leaving your selfish cruel ***.  Grow up! After 31 years, the kids are gone, his Dad is dead and he wants some fun.  You sound really entitled, well honey...you aren't entitled to act like a meanbitch and stay married.

[elvy66]

Finally I have found people who going through what I am going through. 6 weeks ago my husband told me he didnt love me anymore, I know there is a 22 years old woman involved even though he says there isn't but he would go 2 doors up and drink and smoke(two things he never did) and come home sometimes 3 am in the morning. We have been married 30 years and he was my best friend and we were very happy. I made him move out because I could not stand the pain of him near by and then he would visit the tart down the road...While my son is trying to finish last school year finals. Some days I walk around in circles not knowing where I am and what I am going to do...How can they stop loving just like that, I will never understand this....Is he missing me? Is he thinking of me? should I wait to see if it is a phase or should I try and forget and move on.....I am had no contact for 2 weeks to see if that helps.....How many husbands want to come back? When is it time to talk to him? becasue at the moment he hates me for everthing....everything is my fault and I find it very hard to deal with....If anyone has any suggestions please answer me.

[igotaway]

What happened to Goldie 21 and her situation? she stopped posting....

[freddy01]

Finally I to have found someone who is going through the same thing I am at the moment.......total confusion.  On the 7th November my husband of 26 year told me that he didn't love me an more was "confused" he need some space.  He moved out on that day with only a text message telling me he was going.

Have since found out he is having an affair with a 23year girl.  This girl is younger then 2 of our children and WAS friends with our youngest daughter who is 19.

He hasn't spoken to me or his children since then.......keeps lying in emails and text messagaes and have just found out that he took her to Singapore for Christmas and the USA for New Year.

I just don't understand how he can go from a loving husband, father and grandfather in a couple of months.

Family has always been the most important thing to him and how he just doesn't care.

[2415stunned]

Snap!
Mine did this to me last Friday, 24 years and 12 days into our marriage.
She isn't younger than me, but is an old girlfriend from before he met me.

Of course he "isn't leaving me for her"  (total coincidence they met up on line "found each other again" and he decides our life is unbearable to him.)

I got the works. "I love you but am not IN love with you"
"We haven't been making each other happy for a long time" (News to me and what I thought of as a happy marriage)
"You're Amazing and have been the best wife..." EH?!!


The red herring plan was that we would sell our house, get rid of the debt and move to a rented property nearer our daughter and her fianc'e.
What the "real" plan was,He and his FWB had planned out just how the marriage assets would be divided, just where every one would live (too be fair for ALL of our mutual happiness of course) That's my husband a Man with a list and a plan!

I did the self reproach thing, beat myself for clearly having done SOMETHING monsterously wrong which enabled our marriage to fracture,
I begged cried and basically made a shamefully foolish example to our three children, by being a total doormat.
Then it hit. The realisation, he is totally going to do this. (despite the fact that she is jobless, lives in Washington state, we live in Great Britain, she will not be able to stay here or get a job) And with came the Black void.
I was semi- catatonic sobbing under a blanket on the sofa, I felt soo hopeless I could have quite cheerfully taken a very sharp knife to my self and not bat an eye. Then I prayed. I begged God to take this feeling away, even for just a few moments so I could have a break. Then an amazing thing happened. His sister rang. She is a dear soul and very precious to me. Did NOT want to talk to her brother, but to me. We cried, she soothed me and told me that once I started taking control back, i.e.getting good advice, telling him what I wanted (from the marriage), phoning divorce lawyers, putting the house on the market, that I would have a focus, and that I would be able to think clearer and start to feel more in control. Then begin to start to feel better.

Then I had this image flash in my mind. MY toaster, on MY kitchen worktop!!  A shower of my own, and a living room with a wood burning stove.

I know sounds like a pretty lame Epiphany, but hear me out. My husband (the list maker) is anally retentive, high strung and fussy. In 24 years I have been married to him, we always had to have the house "just right", no kitchen appliances on the counters (looks messy), no showers ( this is a period house, it has to be kept looking period, no modern things) no wood burners ( they arent "cost effective") As a matter of fact, very rarely did I ever get to chose or decide where this would go or how the house looked.I felt weird if I hoovered the floor or did the laundry, like it was HIS house.
It was then I realised I held all the cards here. We still have a seven year old child, as well as two adult children. I was going to get my life back at the age of 45, get my house they way I want it, and HE will be paying through the nose for it.

Yes I am still sad, and yes I still have my moments, but the bird released from a cage feeling has pretty much stuck with me.
I do still love him, will until the day I die,I do believe he is in the throes of a mid life crises, however it has morphed him into a man I certain do not recognise, and dont like very much.Would I have him back?
Mmmnn really too soon to say.
Just wish I could get the B*****D to leave!

Take care, we'll get through this, we will.

[suzieq177]

I've been going through the exact same thing for four months now. In the beginning I was so angry and hated him. I was filled with rage. I asked myself over and over and over and over how did we get here. How can he be so selfish, narcissistic, and mean. We've been together for 16 years. I was so busy taking care of him and our little family (dog) that I didn't see the signs of weight loss, change in clothing style, and wouldn't go anywhere without his cell phone. It was practically glued to his hand. It was like a huge slap in the face to hear "I don't love you anymore." I supported him through school, job loss, career changes, even jail. I've since learned from neighbors who took pictures that "she" has been coming over on the days I work for months now. "She" has finally seen him for the jerk he is and broke up, however the damage is done. I'm actually willing to give him a divorce but he wants me to just move out. Take what I had before the marriage and get out and I said NO it's not going to work that way. He has since had a change of heart, but I now want the lying to stop and for him to come clean. I will say I was co-dep, didn't really love myself as I was too busy taking care of everyone else, and it took him cheating to realize this.  So both of us have damaged the marriage in different ways. I'm learning how to take care of me first and have now lost 30 plus puonds. I'm now working on my mental and emotional health, and He's starting to realize what he still could lose. Funny he's learned how to cook, clean, and do laundry. He fondly comments on the things I "use" to do for him. I'm not the maid anymore. There is a really amazing book out there called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I've learned a lot about how we arrived at this mess and we still may not make it. I've also read "Codependency No More" and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." Really great books that have helped me cope with this unnatrual disaster.

[2415stunned]

ARRGGHHH!!!!

Depression is back!!
I had to attend a training day for work, just a short day, thought I could do with the distraction.
Everywhere I look, couples kissing holding hands and I can think about is, thats never going to be me again, then the memories start.The tutour called me by my full married name to give out certificates and I nearly burst into tears!
My seven year old asked me today why does Daddy need to leave? And bless him,,"is this the only way? What could I tell him? "Go ask you father because I dont want this, and I dont know why either!
He seems to delight (the husband) in letting me know in subtle little ways everyday the he is not in love with me anymore, that he loves her, and once I, finally gone they are going to have thier fabulous life together. He told me last night that he looks forward to the day our son comes to see him and announces "Mummy has a boy friend!" OUCH!!!
Every time I think he could not do more to hurt me, he manages it.
I know I was not always the best wife, but damn it I gave up sooo much for him! He had times of illness and needed support which I gladly gave him! I have lived in HIS country for 24 yrs, been here for him when HIS parents died, and was across the pond when my own Dad died!
How can I HATE the man soo much and still love him??!!!
He will not leave the house despite his sister having an empty house he could go to 20 miles away, keeps saying "can,t afford it " (travel wise), or that he wants to be here to see our son, HE CHOSE TO PUT THAT
B***H be fore his son's needs and welfare, HE chose to leave him . I actually brought a suitcase down stairs and tried to pack it for him, and he just took it and put it up stairs again! Mean while I get to look at the face of a man who used to call me "darling" and know he is thinking about her!
Every one says he will bottle out of leaving in the end, but I truly do not think so, he really believes he is in love with this woman and being with her will give him the happy life HE deserves.
Phew! Thanks for letting me rant everyone!!
I am off to try to teach my self to self sooth......... Old dogs new tricks?
:0

[Merkin]

This is my first time posting on this site and, quite likely my last.  I've spent the afternoon reading through people's stories while I pop around the house, cleaning and thinking about my own situation.  Like a lot of others here I'm going through a divorce after a long relationship, having thought I found The One.  I'm 49 and we were together 21 years and married 17.

I've shed my own river of tears while I've tried to figure out why the marriage is breaking up and what can be done to save it.  No cheating was going on by either party, but we had grown apart and it was so obvious that a neon sign would not have been out of place.

The spouse moved out of the house in November and within days was dating.  Last week she announced she's going steady with someone already and here I sit, tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper.

That's right: I'm the guy in this story.  Two decades of us was tossed aside in a few weeks like we didn't exist and it feels like a freight train just decided to park itself on my heart.  

From a detached point of view above my left shoulder I know this is exactly what needs to happen.  I've shed a lot of tears over this and I'll happily shed more in the interest of getting through the process and to a better place on the other side.

From the emotional side of the brain though: ow!  It's like that moment when you drop the frying pan on your big toe and your brain knows it's going to hurt like hell in a second.  It hurts a hell of a lot know and it's going to hurt even more before this process is all over.

It doesn't help any that I instigated the process.  Once we were best friends and got along famously, but the recent years we've simply coexisted as roommates.  She was in a rut of work, home, and her iPad with no real hobbies other than cooking.  She was clearly not happy with the situation, but was reluctant to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else.

So in her own self interest I pushed her out the door to spread her wings and see and enjoy life in all its wonders and diversity.  It totally ***** for me in the interim, but I expect to be in the same place in another year or two and that will make it worth the effort.

That's the back story.  The main reason I threw it out there is because I'm going to engage in some pop psychology that may not be popular.  I'm not a professional psychologist, so feel free to take the following passages with sea salt.

There seems to be a common theme running through a lot of the stories here:

-Long time relationship
-Husband gets distant and usually has an affair
-Possible midlife crisis
-Spouse works hard to maintain the relationship
-Good social life
-In many cases the sex is still fantastic

So why do men chuck it all and take off for the hills in a new Porsche if things are going so well?  They've got the perfect American dream and yet they're still not satisfied.  What in the world could POSSIBLY be wrong with that scenario?

Here's your opportunity to load your shotgun with buck shot.  I know I'll get a lot of flak for this one.

Because marriage goes again human nature.  It's not natural for people to be married to one another their entire lives.  We are programed to seek out variety and spread our genetic material as far and wide as possible.  

In know I know...  We're supposed to have nuclear families as two parents are the best way to raise children.  And it's popular today to point at the divorce rate as an indicator of the downfall of society.  But it's my belief that a lot more marriages could be saved and even strengthened if people would put aside thoughts of jealousy and not just allow, but encourage their spouse to date here and there.  Negotiate the terms, of course, so everyone plays safe and no one comes home with any surprises.  

Society expects everyone to get married and stay married to one person.  The only problem with this standard contract is society isn't living your life for you.  So many people find they're doing what society expects of them and yet they're still not happy.  They don't know why though--just this creeping malaise that the pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit right.  Next thing you know the Porsche is bought and he's off to California.

2415stunned, stop negotiating with the twit.  Change the locks and put his luggage out in the driveway.  He needs to pack it in and move on with his life before he drives you around the bend.

[specialmom]

I am sorry for your experience and it sounds like you are still pained by it.  I do disagree with you about marriage being against human nature.  That sounds like something you've told yourself to heal your pain.  Wishing you luck on your personal journey.  

[Merkin]

It's just pain.  That too shall pass.

No, it's not something that just popped up due to the divorce.  Study and thinking plus observing sexual behavior leads to some interesting conclusions.

[specialmom]

And we must all come to your own.  Mine is  not yours but that is alright, right?  good luck and peace.

[2415stunned]

Got your msg, that's cool.
read you wife's too! alot of what you said, about how you felt at the time, is exactly how my husband has been feeling. Like he was not a good father, or provider. He was and still is,.
i guess I just wanted to pick your brain, did you know your wife loved you before you left?
don't get me wrong , I know i am spitting in the wind, but I really do love my husband very much, and am prepared to fight tooth and nail to save our marriage, I just dont know if he is, I personally think he would die before going to any therapy, it has been suggested by everyone who knows and loves him, he simply does not think he has a problem. he looks relieved to be going, and thinks this woman who he first met the year before me , when he was young, who's presence he has been in for two days in 25 years, and who he has a basiclly cyber relationship with, is the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is ashamed of his behaviour, just not enough to sit back and take stock. i have told him that I will always love him, and if he goes and fails I will be there for him at the very least as his oldest and dearest friend. Any advice?

[ks33333]

My story is so similiar to the ones I have seen posted here.  My husband and I were together for over thirty years, since we were teen-agers.  We were married for 22 years.  Two years before my husband moved out he became very distant and secretive.  I woke up once in the middle of the night for a drink of water, and saw his phone buzzing with a text message from a "work colleague" at 3am.  When I confronted him, he said they were working on something.  After that, he slept with his phone under his pillow and even took his phone to the bathroom with him.  His phone and his ipad suddenly had a security code.  I tried so hard for two years to figure out why my husband was disengaging from me and our three children.  I suspected infidelity, but he constantly reassured me that things were fine and he just had alot of "work stress".  I wanted so badly to believe him. On November 16th, 2010 I received an anomynous letter in the mail that he was sleeping with one of his "work colleagues".  I was shattered.  I also got the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech".  We started marriage counseling, although he had the counselor tell me he wanted to move out.  Our 13 year old daughter became anorexic from all of the stress in the house and she almost died.  Even that didn't wake him up.  We were in family therapy for her eating disorder and we came home from a session April 3, 2011.  I ran to the store to pick up some lunch for the kids and him and when I came in the door he had his bags packed and told the kids he was moving out.  He left me and his 13 year old daughter, 15 year old son and 10 year old son.  He said he wanted to leave for awhile and he "couldn't do it anymore".  I realized he was only thinking of himself, as our daugher was in the re-feeding process and her therapists said that there shouldn't be any changes to the family situation until she was medically stable.  That didn't matter to him.  He proceeded to tell me everyday how our marriage problems were all my fault.  We went to a new marriage counselor, a woman, who was immediately charmed by him.  She told me I wasn't interesting enough.  You try being interesting when you are fighting for your child's life!  We had the perfect marriage until he decided that I wasn't good enough.  I put him through law school and paid the down payment on our family home.  I have always been a very supportive wife, a good mother and am told that I look quite good for 47.  In the past year, he has never made any effort to work on our marriage.  I have cried a river of tears.  I am running out of steam.  I wanted to save our marriage, but I realize that I am married to a narcisist who only cares about himself.  He hardly sees his kids, only one night a week at most, and the kids hate going with him.  I think his affair is over now, but he blames me for everything wrong in his life.  I am sick of being his defense mechanism.  I am scared of divorce.  I have been with him since I was 16 years old.  I always thought we would grow old together.  Right now he is living in a new townhouse and his rent is more than our mortgage payment.  He threatens me telling me that he will get full custody of the kids.  Since he is an attorney, he is very well-connected and I really don't trust the legal system because sometimes it is all who you know.  Everyone who knows us is shocked as we were a great couple for so many years and it has all just fallen apart.   Does anyone have any advise for me?  Thank you.

[specialmom]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  That is heartbreaking.  And your therapist who said you weren't interesting should lose her liscense.  That is cruel and wrong.  

I would seek the advice of an attorney and pick a good one in a different office than your husband.  It is worth the money to get good, strong representation.  Well connected or not----  you pick an attorney that is equally connected.  Yes, he's got the advantage as this won't cost him like it will you but taking custody of kids is a nasty threat-----  I'd make it clear that you aren't going down with a fight.  Frankly, he sounds too selfish to really want the kids and is just trying to mess with you.

We are here for you dear.  Let us know how it progresses.  So sorry for your pain.  

[elvy66]

Hello my dear my heart is with you, and you have to remember you did not start this and none of this is your fault....my husband left me after 30 years of a very happy marriage and people say why did he leave and so on....and to this day I feel like my husband die and this strange man came into his body...he is 50 and sleeping with a 22 neighbour who went to school with my daughter and you will never understand what happened it is like their brain snapped and you have to remember he is gone now....and it is all about you and the kids....that is all...dont think about why or him and definitely dont see him....someone gave me that advise and I still think it is the best advise I ever recieved because not seeing him has helped me to move on a lot easier....I have hired a very good lawyer and follow their advise to a t.....tell your lawyer about his threats and if it continues ring the police....do not put up with him....who knows what they are thinking my ex hates me because I am the reason he has nothing.....hello he is the one that cheated.....so dont try and figure it out just do your things and that is all....so be strong it has been 4 months for me and yes I still think about him but he doesnt consume my thoughts anymore and I have started dating.... so kept in touch and remember be confident and strong and be happy....show your kids you can do this alone.....because you can....Linda

[Buncher]

My husband of 20 years just did the same thing, truck and all..... I feel like these $&""‘s have no concept of what marriage really means.  I am so upset over this.  I am with you, they should pay!,,,It should be punishable by law.

[amazed123]

I am exactly in your wife's position.   6 weeks ago, after I confronted him about text's from a Co-worker he stated he didn't love me anymore, and he had developed feelings for Sarah.  I was stunned, and thought we would of course we'd work on the marriage (I had thought all and all we had a good marriage, kids ages 5 an 6), perhaps go to counselling, but he wouldn't go, didn't think it was worth it as he has been working on this "internally' for a few years.  So I told him he should move out, so got a Condo is busy furnishing it like a Bachlor Pad (yet he keeps showing up at the house).  I have no idea who he is right now, it's so crazy.  I've cried like never before, the grief is unbelievable, I have pulled myself together, it's so incredibly difficult to watch this.  I don't even know what to say here.   I read other stories, I don't know how this will end.  At this moment , I am not even sure how I want it to end.  If his heart isn't with me, I don't want it.  If this is an unbelievable wake-up call that we survive and thrive, I am willing to go through it.  But -- wow, I have never had this raw depth of feeling that I have experienced in the last 6 weeks, is amazing.  I am sorry for who's posting, but I am glad I am not alone - as no one really understands unless they have been here.    

[MrsInKansas728]

I'm currently going through this myself with my husband.  Husband came home 2 months ago, telling me he didn't want to be here anymore.  He said there was no one else...the next day he admitted there was someone else, but said it was a customer...it ended up being one of his employees, but I didn't find that out until the following week.  I convinced him to stay and talk.  We ended up starting therapy.  He agreed to cut ties with the other woman 4 different times, but each time he went to talk to her, he left the door open for her and returned to being distant from me.  Then, one night after his private therapy, he called and asked me to meet him at the lake so we could talk.  He told me he had ended it with her and wanted to make things work.  I was happy he was willing to really try.  However, the next day when he went to work, this was all undone by the co-worker and he didn't come home from work that night.  He wouldn't answer my calls or texts all night or the next morning, so I went to his job to see if any of the guys had seen him...they hadn't.  While I was there, I ran into one of the owners/bosses.  I was desperate and asked him if he knew what customer he might be having an affair with.  He said no but he would find out.  Apparently he called my husband and he admitted to him it was an employee.  They were both put on leave with pay until they could sort out what to do with them.  He was told he would probably be fired because he was her supervisor.  He finally started texting me and said he felt like his world was imploding around him and he couldn't stop it.  He finally agreed to come home, as long as I agreed not to pounce.  I was worried about his welfare, so I agreed because at that point, I just wanted him to be safe.  We ended up talking and he admitted to me he had been having an affair with his employee for a couple of months and she had told her husband and he moved out.  Apparently the plan was to say we had grown apart and get divorced and they would then reveal they were dating...this way both their reputations would be in tact, but I sortof blew that plan out of the water by exposing them at work.  After a couple more weeks without pay at work, my husband was offered two options, take a demotion and move to another city, or be without a job.  She was allowed to keep her job.  He ended up taking the transfer and moved.  She offered to quit and move with him, but he told her no.  Unfortunately, they've continued to see each other, and he continues to stay in touch with me as well.  One day when we were sitting at the table discussing division of property, we got a phone call saying our son (24) had been in a car wreck.  We stopped what we were doing and drove an hour away to the hospital.  On the way there, he looked at me and told me I was and always would be his best friend.  I told him I knew that and that's what made all this seem stupid and sad.  Why would anyone throw their best friend away?  I guess that's a stupid question, because I know the answer...he did it for sex.  She made him feel like a man, apparently something I hadn't done for a while.  Not without reason...our son had tried to kill himself 5 years ago, 3 years ago I lost my Mom and 2 1/2 months after that, he lost his Dad.  Then our son had some alcohol and drug problems and we ended up putting him in rehab and attending the family classes.  So, our relationship sortof got put on the back burner through all this.  Then, along came Miss Opportunity and offered herself to him.  She told him if the answer was no, it was okay.  But once she put the offer out there, he couldn't refuse it and ended up taking her up on the offer.  Now don't get me wrong, I understand even if he had said no, she wouldn't have given up on trying, but he's silly enough he believes it and is taking full responsibility for what happened.  Anyhow, I'm now working after 15 years of being off taking care of my Mom and my son and husband.  So, he calls me last week and tells me he loves me and can't imagine his life without me and wants to work things out.  He sent the other woman a text that night telling her he loves his wife and has gone back to her.  He proceeds to call our son and his Mom, as well as a couple of his friends from the old job, the next day to inform them he's working things out with his wife.  They tell him good and that it sounds more like him.  But, 2 days later, while traveling alone for business, he gets lonely and reads a few of her texts and suddenly he's depressed and doesn't know what he wants again.  The next night he tells me we should work on a new marriage contract of what we want in a marriage.  The idea is to talk about them and see what we agree to and what we don't agree to and what we can compromise about.  After seeing his, it looked more like a contract for a single man's life, with benefits.  Long story short, I think he was willing to work on the contract so he could quit his new job and move back home, but at some point in the day when he was telling our son about his new job, he decided he liked the job better than he thought and decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He wants to be free to do what he wants when he wants with whoever he wants and not answer to anyone.  I had agreed to a lot of the things on his contract, with negotiations, except for wanting me to accept that he likes to look at and lust other women, and I wouldn't accept infidelity.  But, that wasn't enough.  Basically, he wants a divorce so he can have sex with whoever he wants.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  :(

[MrsInKansas728]

I guess I forgot to mention, we've been married 26 years, together 27.

[maliamarie]

I knew my ex-husband for 30 years and was married to him for twenty yrs. My ex-husband and I pretty much have lived the same loss in our lives together, we lost both out parents,  loss of relatives,loss of home  loss of jobs but we managed to pull thru strong. We had in my eyes a great loving relationship, we did things as a family, as a couple. But one day he came to me and just said, ITS JUST JOT WORKING OUT.as though he had rehearsed that and he seemed ready in saying this to me, I was hit so hard not even prepared for anything close to that. I asked why he could only tell me the love isn't there anymore. I begged him not to do this but he finished through with the divorce. I looked at him with how could you do this to our marriage n our lives in age where were getting ready to have the time to share alone time n grow old together? His only parting words he left me, IT JUST WASNT THE SAME ANYMORE.

[Jrnyfn]

I have been where you have . My husband of ten years left  me back in 2001,  In that year my sister's husband died, he was only 47 . My son was only 8 years old .I knew husband for nineteen years and was married twelve of those years   My husband told me that he loved me as a frend . I was shocked , He went back to live with his mother a woman whom I did not get along with. Three years of separation and emontional turmoil between his mother and the woman he was talking to on the net or meeting up with, He met up with one girl who was not interested in him; just as a friend. She had barely any money and he had to always pay for the date, Then yet another girl, not attractive at all and was using him came along only for them to break up . Things were going bad for him; his mother became nasty to him and she scratched his face because I wouldn't let her see our son based upon how I felt about her and that she never saw him when was born That was because, we had a big argumetwith her and I kept my son away from her. After three years his mother died. My life was a mess; my dad was very sick and passed away. I also had  problems with a male room mate who was 15 yrs older then I. He was late on the rent and he slapped my son across the face. I was in a bad way and  I started to cry and pray to God telling him that if I did anything wrong I was sorry and I just wanted my life back.  Three weeks later my husband came back and told me he was wrong and now we are back together

[kimblack]

I went through exactly what you are describing and I cried and cried and cried! Not a day not a week not a month! I cried and questioned til I could not cry anymore. I will never receive the answers that I need or deserve. 14 Months later as I picked up my life and moved on alone I received a call from my ex husbands sister.... does not matter what or how it happened but I still loved him and he was lucky for that! We got back together as he realized his mistakes and told me how he really never stopped loving me he was confused he could not think straight and he did attack me with very mean words many times which really was completely out the ordinary for him. His father died just one year before all of this took place and that is really the start of the confusion. Mid life crisis is really what it was all about. Have hope live each day one day at a time and work on you and getting on your own two feet. This is what I did and I survived it all! We are now remarried and very happy with a new understanding of our partnership.

[kimblack]

I went through exactly what you are describing and I cried and cried and cried! Not a day not a week not a month! I cried and questioned til I could not cry anymore. I will never receive the answers that I need or deserve. 14 Months later as I picked up my life and moved on alone I received a call from my ex husbands sister.... does not matter what or how it happened but I still loved him and he was lucky for that! We got back together as he realized his mistakes and told me how he really never stopped loving me he was confused he could not think straight and he did attack me with very mean words many times which really was completely out the ordinary for him. His father died just one year before all of this took place and that is really the start of the confusion. Mid life crisis is really what it was all about. Have hope live each day one day at a time and work on you and getting on your own two feet. This is what I did and I survived it all! We are now remarried and very happy with a new understanding of our partnership.

[kimblack]

This is exactly what happened to me as I stated further down the page. I gave no real details...but it was the relationship he left behind when he was 18 that rekindled. He said much of the same things and was at times brutal verbally towards me. He blamed me for everything he hadn't done that he wanted to do. Read about midlife crisis it is very important if you really love him.

[shay0316]

I am kind of in same boat. My boyfriend and i have been together 9 years..have two kids together and i believed we had the ultimate perfect relationship.  Well..he left me yesterday for my best friend of 12 years. They both can only say..we didnt mean for this to happen. I am devastated. I am sorry for your situation too..i dont kniw why men are so selfish either. Good luck w things.

[jean5824]

I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            

[jean5824]

I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            

[melba8289]

my husband & I have been together 25 years. very loving, affectionate, great sex, caring. last 6 months he has changed dramatically. very cold, uninterested, pushing me away at every chance no interest in sex. his job is stressful, we started fighting because of the way he was acting towards me, he now says he dont love me and does not want to make it work. I am beside myself. i have tried everything, he left and I am having a very hard time with it.  we have 3 children, 23-14-12   we have been together since we were 17 & 15.  I am at a loss for words and I have to be running out of tears.

[specialmom]

Welcome to the forum and I am just so sorry to hear this.  I'm sure you are so very sad, confused and hurt.  maybe even a little angry.  

Do you think that your husband could be depressed?  I always wonder about such dramatic changes in situations like you describe if some emotional issues are at play with the party that changes so much.

Again, I'm so very sorry and we are here to support you.  peace

[melba8289]

thank you so much.. actually last night he came to the house. we talked & he agreed to try. we are taking it slow. too slow for me but I have to do what i can to save my relationship & family.  hopefully it will all be worth it in the end, if not i dont know what i will do. i appreciate the prayers i need it. the road will be long but I know it will be ok.

[specialmom]

Well, I'm glad he will try and I wish you both peace and luck.  Maybe you can seek the help of a counselor as a middle person to help it along.  I'm a firm believer in that.  Let us know how it goes and I'll continue to send you prayers.  Peace and luck!

[delbok]

it is very difficult to justify anything that hurts another... I am male.. you;re asking an answer to a question that reflects a kind of love you gave to your partner... so many answer for that... anything from boosting your anger or pity your partner for 31 years... men who hide their cheating acts love his family... but for a man who just got home and tell his wife that the love has gone... he's hiding some pain inside and needs help, and understanding from a person whom he believes to be the first to understand and that is the wife, a faithful wife

[rthomas02124]

Wow I'm going thru the same thing only I'm a gay male my ex and I were together for 23 yrs raised my now adult son and have a grandson to boot,we have a beautiful home great jobs and wanted for nothing about a year ago I caught him cheating and we both agree we did'nt want that kind of relationship anymore (when we were younger like most gay couples we had an open but not talked about openly relationship) We agree at age 50/52 we needed to focus on each other and work this out ,started to go to the same gym got ourselfs in great shape etc. one month ago I came home early and found him in bed with a very young man,he told me they had just met and he was in love he also said the same old b/s I love you very much care for u deeply but don't love u that way anymore,he moved out w/in an hour just his clothes no pixs/no memontos nothing but the clothes he could put in plastic bags call me an hour later said he was planning this for a while and having me catch him made it easyier what an ******* he also a cop so I've totally have lost all respect for him and his job well its been a month now not one call text nothing how one can just take 23 yrs and throw it away like its nothing has left me heartboken ashamed and feeling very unloved,I was the more fit attractive and younger of the two and I know I will be fine someday,My heart stilll aches but deepdown I know I could never be happy knowing I could never trust him again even as a freind,eveyone says he'll be back begging to be in my live again I pray to god I have the strenght to tell him to get lost!Just wanted to let folks know that wealso go thru the same things in life its not easy but in time I think we'll all be ok thanks for listening Ric

[Fatalist277]

Wow! First, nothing is forever. Second, if you want it to last, then LISTEN to your spouse. All of those comments about "I wish you would ..." and all of those ideas for self improvement and all of those arguments that ended in changed behavior for a week or 2 - they all added up to poison the emotional well. In middle age, we look at those as part of the things gone wrong and jettison the relationship because it's just not something that we want as part of our legacy. And, this all happens years before we cheat, as we waste our precious youth on narcissistic spouses who just cannot figure our what happened as they used us up and mooched off of us for years.

[specialmom]

I think you can speak for yourself but not all.  I think your attitude about marriage says a lot about the type you probably had.  Feeling mooched off of and narcissistic spouse, etc.  I wouldn't generalize your own mistakes and sad life to everyone else.  

good luck to all dealing with difficult crossroads in their lives.

[Fatalist277]

My point was that the clues for a failing  relationship become evident long before the day when a loved one moves out. The clues are there if you listen. In my case, they were embodied in all of the supportive ways that I encouraged personal growth and independence. I received resistance or nothing in return. I wanted a partner and, instead, i have another dependent. My situation is unique, but the failures started many years ago. Children kept us together but, as they mature, the failed relationship between my wife and I has become just all the more apparent. Sad to say that we are no longer each others person. After 22 years, I don't know quite how to end it.

[giggles108]

I am going through the same thing as you described here. Has there been any update, change, or hope for yourself? As I am lost, and need to know that it will be okay  ..... one way or the other.

[Italy2014]

Hello everyone,

Our 32nd wedding anniversary is this week.  Last summer my husband announced that he wasn't in love with me.  He still loves me but he isn't in love with me.  

A friend suggested a book on mid-life crisis and it was immediately apparent that my husband was going through his MLC.  However, he refused to consider that this is what was happening.  He has now reconsidered.

He is adamant that he needs to move out of our house and be on his own.  And he is actively looking for an apartment.  (In which I hope he is completely miserable!)  

I have never in my life hurt so much.  I am trying to do what all the books tell you to do in these situations.  And the books are full of success stories.  My question to this group is - do any of you have a success story?  Has anyone had their husband leave and then realize he made a mistake and came back home?  Can anyone provide a sliver of hope?

[rooferguy]

I am working through a mid life crisis and part of that is to re examine relationships and consider my future ... its normal for a man to do that.

My doctor's advice was to NOT make any decisions for a year

[Gwicker]

I am wondering how many men go through this and regret their decisions.  Mine did the same to me after 28 years of marriage.  And he chose someone 14 years his Jr...although uneducated, ugly and fat.  I on the other hand, was educated, never let myself go and maintained a lovely clean home.  He married her.  I wonder if he has lived to regret it??  But I am sure he would never admit it.  I do feel sorry for him now - that is after cryiing a river and much therapy.

[rooferguy]

Weird because my ex wife had an identity crisis, she went from a very conservative lady to smoking and getting tattoos almost over night ... she started drinking and using drugs and running around with girls half her age. Eventually she married a guy ten years younger, he makes no money and they live in a rented dump.

I make decent money, I have full custody of our kid ... I out right own my house and do not use any drugs or drink ...

I dont feel sorry for her, I am pissed at her ... my struggle is getting past being mad ...

Anyways, the point is that both men and woman can have identity crisis and what I have learned, is that if we can recognize thats what going on ... we can also be wise enough to NOT make important life decisions while in the midst of a crisis.

[elvy66]

Well, I have had the same journey, after 30 years marriage with a loving and happy man until his parents died and he has never been the same. He gave me the talk I love you but not in love with you talk, and he is now drinking and smoking and he had an affair with a 22yr old bimbo who went to high school with our daughter. It has been a year and half since then and I simply got on with my life, he left his family nothing, he took 200k from our bank account and we had to leave our country town because he was screwing her next door.
I will never understand what happens with these men, they are normal men and women and then bang, they turn into this selfish person. My ex is trying to get back his family but I just don't trust him at all and never will.

They blame everyone else, mind still can not work out what he did wrong and if I ask him any questions, he says I am pushing him. What a weak person he has turned into. All I know is I do not like the person he is know so I have to move on. The kids and I have become very close and I now have a grandson, I have bought us a home and we are on our way to a happy future with my ex. I am now going through the divorce and he is so shock that I would divorce him.
I want to move on and I would love to find love again in the future, I feel I have a lot of love to give. I really do not think anyone has the answers..good luck to anyone going through this hell.

[handmaid2]

I am currnetly going throught the same mess. I have been married 32 yrs and was a loving, caring, cheerleader and partner to my husband. I have actually taken much better care of him and my boys than I took care of myself. I am truly sorry for that now. He started telling me how unhappy he was last year at this time, and I encouraged him to seek counseling for his ACOA issues. He did that , but was more and more distant and reclusive, hiding out in his den all the time and clinging to his side of the bed. He was cutting me off and just acting polite...it was killing me...so I told him it may be better if he moves out for a while..and he did....I had been very concerned about how suddenly this occured and knew there was a puzzle piece missing....he denied it and denied it, even citing that HE would never get involved with someone without first getting a divorce...blah blah blah... sure enough after 3 months of pressing him , he finally admitted there was someone else, he was starving to have those "feelings" again!  Well, I was devastated, and he was so self decieved, he actually thought our grown children would "understand" . He called and let them know right then...to make a long story short he was back that same week, he himself devastated....however, that sorrow was short lived and he became very depressed and left again a couple of weeks ago. He says he cut the other woman off cold turkey and is now living with his mother... but still doesn't love me...and it "doesn't look good"....I took vows that I intend to keep with the help of God! It is not easy, and I know I am powerless over anyone else, so I have to let go...completely...but marriage is a stong bond and I don't feel alone...I know I took those vows in the presence of God and that He works for the good of the family...He's a pretty great partner...as nothing is impossibe for Him! I don't know my outcome yet, but I trust that the present and the future is full of Hope. My twin siter went through a similar situation 20 yrs ago and waited 6 yrs for her husband to return, they are now a solid and amazing family, with 4 kids that are the most loving people alive! She persisted in prayer through a horrible and what seemed hopeless circumstance and came through.....We have prayed for many families through this kind of crisis, most have reconciled...don't lose HOPE

[elvy66]

Your story is so close to mine, I am so sorry you have been through this, I must say it was the most painful thing I have been through. My ex hubby now wants to see if he can fall in love with me, like I have done something wrong. Is this the same feelings you are getting, he will not talk about what has happened in the last year. I know he blames me for everything, if I was a better wife, mother, friend and housekeeper. Well I spoiled him rotten and that was the worse thing I could of done in hind sight because he is so wrap up in himself, he will never see the truth.  We had a wonderful marriage and he was a good husband and father, I would love to know what you have been thinking about spending the future with your ex. He has done many hurtful things and I do not know if I can get past it. How could I ever trust him, how could I make love to him, knowing where he has been. He lies now, he is really bad at it, but he is not the person a married, but is it better to work on it with him or just cut and run. I am very confused...would love your input.  Elvy..