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mid life crisis for men
I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
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PLEASE PLEASE email me.  Just going through the EXACT same thing.  ***@****
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When you tell your husband how old he is and look in the mirror, that justifies him leaving your selfish cruel ***.  Grow up! After 31 years, the kids are gone, his Dad is dead and he wants some fun.  You sound really entitled, well honey...you aren't entitled to act like a meanbitch and stay married.
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1894410 tn?1364193655
Finally I have found people who going through what I am going through. 6 weeks ago my husband told me he didnt love me anymore, I know there is a 22 years old woman involved even though he says there isn't but he would go 2 doors up and drink and smoke(two things he never did) and come home sometimes 3 am in the morning. We have been married 30 years and he was my best friend and we were very happy. I made him move out because I could not stand the pain of him near by and then he would visit the tart down the road...While my son is trying to finish last school year finals. Some days I walk around in circles not knowing where I am and what I am going to do...How can they stop loving just like that, I will never understand this....Is he missing me? Is he thinking of me? should I wait to see if it is a phase or should I try and forget and move on.....I am had no contact for 2 weeks to see if that helps.....How many husbands want to come back? When is it time to talk to him? becasue at the moment he hates me for everthing....everything is my fault and I find it very hard to deal with....If anyone has any suggestions please answer me.
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What happened to Goldie 21 and her situation? she stopped posting....
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Finally I to have found someone who is going through the same thing I am at the moment.......total confusion.  On the 7th November my husband of 26 year told me that he didn't love me an more was "confused" he need some space.  He moved out on that day with only a text message telling me he was going.

Have since found out he is having an affair with a 23year girl.  This girl is younger then 2 of our children and WAS friends with our youngest daughter who is 19.

He hasn't spoken to me or his children since then.......keeps lying in emails and text messagaes and have just found out that he took her to Singapore for Christmas and the USA for New Year.

I just don't understand how he can go from a loving husband, father and grandfather in a couple of months.

Family has always been the most important thing to him and how he just doesn't care.


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1988247 tn?1326879919
Snap!
Mine did this to me last Friday, 24 years and 12 days into our marriage.
She isn't younger than me, but is an old girlfriend from before he met me.

Of course he "isn't leaving me for her"  (total coincidence they met up on line "found each other again" and he decides our life is unbearable to him.)

I got the works. "I love you but am not IN love with you"
"We haven't been making each other happy for a long time" (News to me and what I thought of as a happy marriage)
"You're Amazing and have been the best wife..." EH?!!


The red herring plan was that we would sell our house, get rid of the debt and move to a rented property nearer our daughter and her fianc'e.
What the "real" plan was,He and his FWB had planned out just how the marriage assets would be divided, just where every one would live (too be fair for ALL of our mutual happiness of course) That's my husband a Man with a list and a plan!

I did the self reproach thing, beat myself for clearly having done SOMETHING monsterously wrong which enabled our marriage to fracture,
I begged cried and basically made a shamefully foolish example to our three children, by being a total doormat.
Then it hit. The realisation, he is totally going to do this. (despite the fact that she is jobless, lives in Washington state, we live in Great Britain, she will not be able to stay here or get a job) And with came the Black void.
I was semi- catatonic sobbing under a blanket on the sofa, I felt soo hopeless I could have quite cheerfully taken a very sharp knife to my self and not bat an eye. Then I prayed. I begged God to take this feeling away, even for just a few moments so I could have a break. Then an amazing thing happened. His sister rang. She is a dear soul and very precious to me. Did NOT want to talk to her brother, but to me. We cried, she soothed me and told me that once I started taking control back, i.e.getting good advice, telling him what I wanted (from the marriage), phoning divorce lawyers, putting the house on the market, that I would have a focus, and that I would be able to think clearer and start to feel more in control. Then begin to start to feel better.

Then I had this image flash in my mind. MY toaster, on MY kitchen worktop!!  A shower of my own, and a living room with a wood burning stove.

I know sounds like a pretty lame Epiphany, but hear me out. My husband (the list maker) is anally retentive, high strung and fussy. In 24 years I have been married to him, we always had to have the house "just right", no kitchen appliances on the counters (looks messy), no showers ( this is a period house, it has to be kept looking period, no modern things) no wood burners ( they arent "cost effective") As a matter of fact, very rarely did I ever get to chose or decide where this would go or how the house looked.I felt weird if I hoovered the floor or did the laundry, like it was HIS house.
It was then I realised I held all the cards here. We still have a seven year old child, as well as two adult children. I was going to get my life back at the age of 45, get my house they way I want it, and HE will be paying through the nose for it.

Yes I am still sad, and yes I still have my moments, but the bird released from a cage feeling has pretty much stuck with me.
I do still love him, will until the day I die,I do believe he is in the throes of a mid life crises, however it has morphed him into a man I certain do not recognise, and dont like very much.Would I have him back?
Mmmnn really too soon to say.
Just wish I could get the B*****D to leave!

Take care, we'll get through this, we will.
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I've been going through the exact same thing for four months now. In the beginning I was so angry and hated him. I was filled with rage. I asked myself over and over and over and over how did we get here. How can he be so selfish, narcissistic, and mean. We've been together for 16 years. I was so busy taking care of him and our little family (dog) that I didn't see the signs of weight loss, change in clothing style, and wouldn't go anywhere without his cell phone. It was practically glued to his hand. It was like a huge slap in the face to hear "I don't love you anymore." I supported him through school, job loss, career changes, even jail. I've since learned from neighbors who took pictures that "she" has been coming over on the days I work for months now. "She" has finally seen him for the jerk he is and broke up, however the damage is done. I'm actually willing to give him a divorce but he wants me to just move out. Take what I had before the marriage and get out and I said NO it's not going to work that way. He has since had a change of heart, but I now want the lying to stop and for him to come clean. I will say I was co-dep, didn't really love myself as I was too busy taking care of everyone else, and it took him cheating to realize this.  So both of us have damaged the marriage in different ways. I'm learning how to take care of me first and have now lost 30 plus puonds. I'm now working on my mental and emotional health, and He's starting to realize what he still could lose. Funny he's learned how to cook, clean, and do laundry. He fondly comments on the things I "use" to do for him. I'm not the maid anymore. There is a really amazing book out there called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I've learned a lot about how we arrived at this mess and we still may not make it. I've also read "Codependency No More" and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." Really great books that have helped me cope with this unnatrual disaster.
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1988247 tn?1326879919
ARRGGHHH!!!!

Depression is back!!
I had to attend a training day for work, just a short day, thought I could do with the distraction.
Everywhere I look, couples kissing holding hands and I can think about is, thats never going to be me again, then the memories start.The tutour called me by my full married name to give out certificates and I nearly burst into tears!
My seven year old asked me today why does Daddy need to leave? And bless him,,"is this the only way? What could I tell him? "Go ask you father because I dont want this, and I dont know why either!
He seems to delight (the husband) in letting me know in subtle little ways everyday the he is not in love with me anymore, that he loves her, and once I, finally gone they are going to have thier fabulous life together. He told me last night that he looks forward to the day our son comes to see him and announces "Mummy has a boy friend!" OUCH!!!
Every time I think he could not do more to hurt me, he manages it.
I know I was not always the best wife, but damn it I gave up sooo much for him! He had times of illness and needed support which I gladly gave him! I have lived in HIS country for 24 yrs, been here for him when HIS parents died, and was across the pond when my own Dad died!
How can I HATE the man soo much and still love him??!!!
He will not leave the house despite his sister having an empty house he could go to 20 miles away, keeps saying "can,t afford it " (travel wise), or that he wants to be here to see our son, HE CHOSE TO PUT THAT
B***H be fore his son's needs and welfare, HE chose to leave him . I actually brought a suitcase down stairs and tried to pack it for him, and he just took it and put it up stairs again! Mean while I get to look at the face of a man who used to call me "darling" and know he is thinking about her!
Every one says he will bottle out of leaving in the end, but I truly do not think so, he really believes he is in love with this woman and being with her will give him the happy life HE deserves.
Phew! Thanks for letting me rant everyone!!
I am off to try to teach my self to self sooth......... Old dogs new tricks?
:0
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This is my first time posting on this site and, quite likely my last.  I've spent the afternoon reading through people's stories while I pop around the house, cleaning and thinking about my own situation.  Like a lot of others here I'm going through a divorce after a long relationship, having thought I found The One.  I'm 49 and we were together 21 years and married 17.

I've shed my own river of tears while I've tried to figure out why the marriage is breaking up and what can be done to save it.  No cheating was going on by either party, but we had grown apart and it was so obvious that a neon sign would not have been out of place.

The spouse moved out of the house in November and within days was dating.  Last week she announced she's going steady with someone already and here I sit, tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper.

That's right: I'm the guy in this story.  Two decades of us was tossed aside in a few weeks like we didn't exist and it feels like a freight train just decided to park itself on my heart.  

From a detached point of view above my left shoulder I know this is exactly what needs to happen.  I've shed a lot of tears over this and I'll happily shed more in the interest of getting through the process and to a better place on the other side.

From the emotional side of the brain though: ow!  It's like that moment when you drop the frying pan on your big toe and your brain knows it's going to hurt like hell in a second.  It hurts a hell of a lot know and it's going to hurt even more before this process is all over.

It doesn't help any that I instigated the process.  Once we were best friends and got along famously, but the recent years we've simply coexisted as roommates.  She was in a rut of work, home, and her iPad with no real hobbies other than cooking.  She was clearly not happy with the situation, but was reluctant to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else.

So in her own self interest I pushed her out the door to spread her wings and see and enjoy life in all its wonders and diversity.  It totally ***** for me in the interim, but I expect to be in the same place in another year or two and that will make it worth the effort.

That's the back story.  The main reason I threw it out there is because I'm going to engage in some pop psychology that may not be popular.  I'm not a professional psychologist, so feel free to take the following passages with sea salt.

There seems to be a common theme running through a lot of the stories here:

-Long time relationship
-Husband gets distant and usually has an affair
-Possible midlife crisis
-Spouse works hard to maintain the relationship
-Good social life
-In many cases the sex is still fantastic

So why do men chuck it all and take off for the hills in a new Porsche if things are going so well?  They've got the perfect American dream and yet they're still not satisfied.  What in the world could POSSIBLY be wrong with that scenario?

Here's your opportunity to load your shotgun with buck shot.  I know I'll get a lot of flak for this one.

Because marriage goes again human nature.  It's not natural for people to be married to one another their entire lives.  We are programed to seek out variety and spread our genetic material as far and wide as possible.  

In know I know...  We're supposed to have nuclear families as two parents are the best way to raise children.  And it's popular today to point at the divorce rate as an indicator of the downfall of society.  But it's my belief that a lot more marriages could be saved and even strengthened if people would put aside thoughts of jealousy and not just allow, but encourage their spouse to date here and there.  Negotiate the terms, of course, so everyone plays safe and no one comes home with any surprises.  

Society expects everyone to get married and stay married to one person.  The only problem with this standard contract is society isn't living your life for you.  So many people find they're doing what society expects of them and yet they're still not happy.  They don't know why though--just this creeping malaise that the pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit right.  Next thing you know the Porsche is bought and he's off to California.

2415stunned, stop negotiating with the twit.  Change the locks and put his luggage out in the driveway.  He needs to pack it in and move on with his life before he drives you around the bend.
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973741 tn?1342346373
I am sorry for your experience and it sounds like you are still pained by it.  I do disagree with you about marriage being against human nature.  That sounds like something you've told yourself to heal your pain.  Wishing you luck on your personal journey.  
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It's just pain.  That too shall pass.

No, it's not something that just popped up due to the divorce.  Study and thinking plus observing sexual behavior leads to some interesting conclusions.
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973741 tn?1342346373
And we must all come to your own.  Mine is  not yours but that is alright, right?  good luck and peace.
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1988247 tn?1326879919
Got your msg, that's cool.
read you wife's too! alot of what you said, about how you felt at the time, is exactly how my husband has been feeling. Like he was not a good father, or provider. He was and still is,.
i guess I just wanted to pick your brain, did you know your wife loved you before you left?
don't get me wrong , I know i am spitting in the wind, but I really do love my husband very much, and am prepared to fight tooth and nail to save our marriage, I just dont know if he is, I personally think he would die before going to any therapy, it has been suggested by everyone who knows and loves him, he simply does not think he has a problem. he looks relieved to be going, and thinks this woman who he first met the year before me , when he was young, who's presence he has been in for two days in 25 years, and who he has a basiclly cyber relationship with, is the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is ashamed of his behaviour, just not enough to sit back and take stock. i have told him that I will always love him, and if he goes and fails I will be there for him at the very least as his oldest and dearest friend. Any advice?
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My story is so similiar to the ones I have seen posted here.  My husband and I were together for over thirty years, since we were teen-agers.  We were married for 22 years.  Two years before my husband moved out he became very distant and secretive.  I woke up once in the middle of the night for a drink of water, and saw his phone buzzing with a text message from a "work colleague" at 3am.  When I confronted him, he said they were working on something.  After that, he slept with his phone under his pillow and even took his phone to the bathroom with him.  His phone and his ipad suddenly had a security code.  I tried so hard for two years to figure out why my husband was disengaging from me and our three children.  I suspected infidelity, but he constantly reassured me that things were fine and he just had alot of "work stress".  I wanted so badly to believe him. On November 16th, 2010 I received an anomynous letter in the mail that he was sleeping with one of his "work colleagues".  I was shattered.  I also got the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech".  We started marriage counseling, although he had the counselor tell me he wanted to move out.  Our 13 year old daughter became anorexic from all of the stress in the house and she almost died.  Even that didn't wake him up.  We were in family therapy for her eating disorder and we came home from a session April 3, 2011.  I ran to the store to pick up some lunch for the kids and him and when I came in the door he had his bags packed and told the kids he was moving out.  He left me and his 13 year old daughter, 15 year old son and 10 year old son.  He said he wanted to leave for awhile and he "couldn't do it anymore".  I realized he was only thinking of himself, as our daugher was in the re-feeding process and her therapists said that there shouldn't be any changes to the family situation until she was medically stable.  That didn't matter to him.  He proceeded to tell me everyday how our marriage problems were all my fault.  We went to a new marriage counselor, a woman, who was immediately charmed by him.  She told me I wasn't interesting enough.  You try being interesting when you are fighting for your child's life!  We had the perfect marriage until he decided that I wasn't good enough.  I put him through law school and paid the down payment on our family home.  I have always been a very supportive wife, a good mother and am told that I look quite good for 47.  In the past year, he has never made any effort to work on our marriage.  I have cried a river of tears.  I am running out of steam.  I wanted to save our marriage, but I realize that I am married to a narcisist who only cares about himself.  He hardly sees his kids, only one night a week at most, and the kids hate going with him.  I think his affair is over now, but he blames me for everything wrong in his life.  I am sick of being his defense mechanism.  I am scared of divorce.  I have been with him since I was 16 years old.  I always thought we would grow old together.  Right now he is living in a new townhouse and his rent is more than our mortgage payment.  He threatens me telling me that he will get full custody of the kids.  Since he is an attorney, he is very well-connected and I really don't trust the legal system because sometimes it is all who you know.  Everyone who knows us is shocked as we were a great couple for so many years and it has all just fallen apart.   Does anyone have any advise for me?  Thank you.
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973741 tn?1342346373
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  That is heartbreaking.  And your therapist who said you weren't interesting should lose her liscense.  That is cruel and wrong.  

I would seek the advice of an attorney and pick a good one in a different office than your husband.  It is worth the money to get good, strong representation.  Well connected or not----  you pick an attorney that is equally connected.  Yes, he's got the advantage as this won't cost him like it will you but taking custody of kids is a nasty threat-----  I'd make it clear that you aren't going down with a fight.  Frankly, he sounds too selfish to really want the kids and is just trying to mess with you.

We are here for you dear.  Let us know how it progresses.  So sorry for your pain.  
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1894410 tn?1364193655
Hello my dear my heart is with you, and you have to remember you did not start this and none of this is your fault....my husband left me after 30 years of a very happy marriage and people say why did he leave and so on....and to this day I feel like my husband die and this strange man came into his body...he is 50 and sleeping with a 22 neighbour who went to school with my daughter and you will never understand what happened it is like their brain snapped and you have to remember he is gone now....and it is all about you and the kids....that is all...dont think about why or him and definitely dont see him....someone gave me that advise and I still think it is the best advise I ever recieved because not seeing him has helped me to move on a lot easier....I have hired a very good lawyer and follow their advise to a t.....tell your lawyer about his threats and if it continues ring the police....do not put up with him....who knows what they are thinking my ex hates me because I am the reason he has nothing.....hello he is the one that cheated.....so dont try and figure it out just do your things and that is all....so be strong it has been 4 months for me and yes I still think about him but he doesnt consume my thoughts anymore and I have started dating.... so kept in touch and remember be confident and strong and be happy....show your kids you can do this alone.....because you can....Linda
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My husband of 20 years just did the same thing, truck and all..... I feel like these $&""‘s have no concept of what marriage really means.  I am so upset over this.  I am with you, they should pay!,,,It should be punishable by law.
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I am exactly in your wife's position.   6 weeks ago, after I confronted him about text's from a Co-worker he stated he didn't love me anymore, and he had developed feelings for Sarah.  I was stunned, and thought we would of course we'd work on the marriage (I had thought all and all we had a good marriage, kids ages 5 an 6), perhaps go to counselling, but he wouldn't go, didn't think it was worth it as he has been working on this "internally' for a few years.  So I told him he should move out, so got a Condo is busy furnishing it like a Bachlor Pad (yet he keeps showing up at the house).  I have no idea who he is right now, it's so crazy.  I've cried like never before, the grief is unbelievable, I have pulled myself together, it's so incredibly difficult to watch this.  I don't even know what to say here.   I read other stories, I don't know how this will end.  At this moment , I am not even sure how I want it to end.  If his heart isn't with me, I don't want it.  If this is an unbelievable wake-up call that we survive and thrive, I am willing to go through it.  But -- wow, I have never had this raw depth of feeling that I have experienced in the last 6 weeks, is amazing.  I am sorry for who's posting, but I am glad I am not alone - as no one really understands unless they have been here.    
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I'm currently going through this myself with my husband.  Husband came home 2 months ago, telling me he didn't want to be here anymore.  He said there was no one else...the next day he admitted there was someone else, but said it was a customer...it ended up being one of his employees, but I didn't find that out until the following week.  I convinced him to stay and talk.  We ended up starting therapy.  He agreed to cut ties with the other woman 4 different times, but each time he went to talk to her, he left the door open for her and returned to being distant from me.  Then, one night after his private therapy, he called and asked me to meet him at the lake so we could talk.  He told me he had ended it with her and wanted to make things work.  I was happy he was willing to really try.  However, the next day when he went to work, this was all undone by the co-worker and he didn't come home from work that night.  He wouldn't answer my calls or texts all night or the next morning, so I went to his job to see if any of the guys had seen him...they hadn't.  While I was there, I ran into one of the owners/bosses.  I was desperate and asked him if he knew what customer he might be having an affair with.  He said no but he would find out.  Apparently he called my husband and he admitted to him it was an employee.  They were both put on leave with pay until they could sort out what to do with them.  He was told he would probably be fired because he was her supervisor.  He finally started texting me and said he felt like his world was imploding around him and he couldn't stop it.  He finally agreed to come home, as long as I agreed not to pounce.  I was worried about his welfare, so I agreed because at that point, I just wanted him to be safe.  We ended up talking and he admitted to me he had been having an affair with his employee for a couple of months and she had told her husband and he moved out.  Apparently the plan was to say we had grown apart and get divorced and they would then reveal they were dating...this way both their reputations would be in tact, but I sortof blew that plan out of the water by exposing them at work.  After a couple more weeks without pay at work, my husband was offered two options, take a demotion and move to another city, or be without a job.  She was allowed to keep her job.  He ended up taking the transfer and moved.  She offered to quit and move with him, but he told her no.  Unfortunately, they've continued to see each other, and he continues to stay in touch with me as well.  One day when we were sitting at the table discussing division of property, we got a phone call saying our son (24) had been in a car wreck.  We stopped what we were doing and drove an hour away to the hospital.  On the way there, he looked at me and told me I was and always would be his best friend.  I told him I knew that and that's what made all this seem stupid and sad.  Why would anyone throw their best friend away?  I guess that's a stupid question, because I know the answer...he did it for sex.  She made him feel like a man, apparently something I hadn't done for a while.  Not without reason...our son had tried to kill himself 5 years ago, 3 years ago I lost my Mom and 2 1/2 months after that, he lost his Dad.  Then our son had some alcohol and drug problems and we ended up putting him in rehab and attending the family classes.  So, our relationship sortof got put on the back burner through all this.  Then, along came Miss Opportunity and offered herself to him.  She told him if the answer was no, it was okay.  But once she put the offer out there, he couldn't refuse it and ended up taking her up on the offer.  Now don't get me wrong, I understand even if he had said no, she wouldn't have given up on trying, but he's silly enough he believes it and is taking full responsibility for what happened.  Anyhow, I'm now working after 15 years of being off taking care of my Mom and my son and husband.  So, he calls me last week and tells me he loves me and can't imagine his life without me and wants to work things out.  He sent the other woman a text that night telling her he loves his wife and has gone back to her.  He proceeds to call our son and his Mom, as well as a couple of his friends from the old job, the next day to inform them he's working things out with his wife.  They tell him good and that it sounds more like him.  But, 2 days later, while traveling alone for business, he gets lonely and reads a few of her texts and suddenly he's depressed and doesn't know what he wants again.  The next night he tells me we should work on a new marriage contract of what we want in a marriage.  The idea is to talk about them and see what we agree to and what we don't agree to and what we can compromise about.  After seeing his, it looked more like a contract for a single man's life, with benefits.  Long story short, I think he was willing to work on the contract so he could quit his new job and move back home, but at some point in the day when he was telling our son about his new job, he decided he liked the job better than he thought and decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He wants to be free to do what he wants when he wants with whoever he wants and not answer to anyone.  I had agreed to a lot of the things on his contract, with negotiations, except for wanting me to accept that he likes to look at and lust other women, and I wouldn't accept infidelity.  But, that wasn't enough.  Basically, he wants a divorce so he can have sex with whoever he wants.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  :(
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I guess I forgot to mention, we've been married 26 years, together 27.
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I knew my ex-husband for 30 years and was married to him for twenty yrs. My ex-husband and I pretty much have lived the same loss in our lives together, we lost both out parents,  loss of relatives,loss of home  loss of jobs but we managed to pull thru strong. We had in my eyes a great loving relationship, we did things as a family, as a couple. But one day he came to me and just said, ITS JUST JOT WORKING OUT.as though he had rehearsed that and he seemed ready in saying this to me, I was hit so hard not even prepared for anything close to that. I asked why he could only tell me the love isn't there anymore. I begged him not to do this but he finished through with the divorce. I looked at him with how could you do this to our marriage n our lives in age where were getting ready to have the time to share alone time n grow old together? His only parting words he left me, IT JUST WASNT THE SAME ANYMORE.
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I have been where you have . My husband of ten years left  me back in 2001,  In that year my sister's husband died, he was only 47 . My son was only 8 years old .I knew husband for nineteen years and was married twelve of those years   My husband told me that he loved me as a frend . I was shocked , He went back to live with his mother a woman whom I did not get along with. Three years of separation and emontional turmoil between his mother and the woman he was talking to on the net or meeting up with, He met up with one girl who was not interested in him; just as a friend. She had barely any money and he had to always pay for the date, Then yet another girl, not attractive at all and was using him came along only for them to break up . Things were going bad for him; his mother became nasty to him and she scratched his face because I wouldn't let her see our son based upon how I felt about her and that she never saw him when was born That was because, we had a big argumetwith her and I kept my son away from her. After three years his mother died. My life was a mess; my dad was very sick and passed away. I also had  problems with a male room mate who was 15 yrs older then I. He was late on the rent and he slapped my son across the face. I was in a bad way and  I started to cry and pray to God telling him that if I did anything wrong I was sorry and I just wanted my life back.  Three weeks later my husband came back and told me he was wrong and now we are back together
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I went through exactly what you are describing and I cried and cried and cried! Not a day not a week not a month! I cried and questioned til I could not cry anymore. I will never receive the answers that I need or deserve. 14 Months later as I picked up my life and moved on alone I received a call from my ex husbands sister.... does not matter what or how it happened but I still loved him and he was lucky for that! We got back together as he realized his mistakes and told me how he really never stopped loving me he was confused he could not think straight and he did attack me with very mean words many times which really was completely out the ordinary for him. His father died just one year before all of this took place and that is really the start of the confusion. Mid life crisis is really what it was all about. Have hope live each day one day at a time and work on you and getting on your own two feet. This is what I did and I survived it all! We are now remarried and very happy with a new understanding of our partnership.
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I went through exactly what you are describing and I cried and cried and cried! Not a day not a week not a month! I cried and questioned til I could not cry anymore. I will never receive the answers that I need or deserve. 14 Months later as I picked up my life and moved on alone I received a call from my ex husbands sister.... does not matter what or how it happened but I still loved him and he was lucky for that! We got back together as he realized his mistakes and told me how he really never stopped loving me he was confused he could not think straight and he did attack me with very mean words many times which really was completely out the ordinary for him. His father died just one year before all of this took place and that is really the start of the confusion. Mid life crisis is really what it was all about. Have hope live each day one day at a time and work on you and getting on your own two feet. This is what I did and I survived it all! We are now remarried and very happy with a new understanding of our partnership.
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This is exactly what happened to me as I stated further down the page. I gave no real details...but it was the relationship he left behind when he was 18 that rekindled. He said much of the same things and was at times brutal verbally towards me. He blamed me for everything he hadn't done that he wanted to do. Read about midlife crisis it is very important if you really love him.
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I am kind of in same boat. My boyfriend and i have been together 9 years..have two kids together and i believed we had the ultimate perfect relationship.  Well..he left me yesterday for my best friend of 12 years. They both can only say..we didnt mean for this to happen. I am devastated. I am sorry for your situation too..i dont kniw why men are so selfish either. Good luck w things.
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I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            
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I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            
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my husband & I have been together 25 years. very loving, affectionate, great sex, caring. last 6 months he has changed dramatically. very cold, uninterested, pushing me away at every chance no interest in sex. his job is stressful, we started fighting because of the way he was acting towards me, he now says he dont love me and does not want to make it work. I am beside myself. i have tried everything, he left and I am having a very hard time with it.  we have 3 children, 23-14-12   we have been together since we were 17 & 15.  I am at a loss for words and I have to be running out of tears.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Welcome to the forum and I am just so sorry to hear this.  I'm sure you are so very sad, confused and hurt.  maybe even a little angry.  

Do you think that your husband could be depressed?  I always wonder about such dramatic changes in situations like you describe if some emotional issues are at play with the party that changes so much.

Again, I'm so very sorry and we are here to support you.  peace
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thank you so much.. actually last night he came to the house. we talked & he agreed to try. we are taking it slow. too slow for me but I have to do what i can to save my relationship & family.  hopefully it will all be worth it in the end, if not i dont know what i will do. i appreciate the prayers i need it. the road will be long but I know it will be ok.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, I'm glad he will try and I wish you both peace and luck.  Maybe you can seek the help of a counselor as a middle person to help it along.  I'm a firm believer in that.  Let us know how it goes and I'll continue to send you prayers.  Peace and luck!
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it is very difficult to justify anything that hurts another... I am male.. you;re asking an answer to a question that reflects a kind of love you gave to your partner... so many answer for that... anything from boosting your anger or pity your partner for 31 years... men who hide their cheating acts love his family... but for a man who just got home and tell his wife that the love has gone... he's hiding some pain inside and needs help, and understanding from a person whom he believes to be the first to understand and that is the wife, a faithful wife
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4353129 tn?1353266055
Wow I'm going thru the same thing only I'm a gay male my ex and I were together for 23 yrs raised my now adult son and have a grandson to boot,we have a beautiful home great jobs and wanted for nothing about a year ago I caught him cheating and we both agree we did'nt want that kind of relationship anymore (when we were younger like most gay couples we had an open but not talked about openly relationship) We agree at age 50/52 we needed to focus on each other and work this out ,started to go to the same gym got ourselfs in great shape etc. one month ago I came home early and found him in bed with a very young man,he told me they had just met and he was in love he also said the same old b/s I love you very much care for u deeply but don't love u that way anymore,he moved out w/in an hour just his clothes no pixs/no memontos nothing but the clothes he could put in plastic bags call me an hour later said he was planning this for a while and having me catch him made it easyier what an ******* he also a cop so I've totally have lost all respect for him and his job well its been a month now not one call text nothing how one can just take 23 yrs and throw it away like its nothing has left me heartboken ashamed and feeling very unloved,I was the more fit attractive and younger of the two and I know I will be fine someday,My heart stilll aches but deepdown I know I could never be happy knowing I could never trust him again even as a freind,eveyone says he'll be back begging to be in my live again I pray to god I have the strenght to tell him to get lost!Just wanted to let folks know that wealso go thru the same things in life its not easy but in time I think we'll all be ok thanks for listening Ric
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Wow! First, nothing is forever. Second, if you want it to last, then LISTEN to your spouse. All of those comments about "I wish you would ..." and all of those ideas for self improvement and all of those arguments that ended in changed behavior for a week or 2 - they all added up to poison the emotional well. In middle age, we look at those as part of the things gone wrong and jettison the relationship because it's just not something that we want as part of our legacy. And, this all happens years before we cheat, as we waste our precious youth on narcissistic spouses who just cannot figure our what happened as they used us up and mooched off of us for years.
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973741 tn?1342346373
I think you can speak for yourself but not all.  I think your attitude about marriage says a lot about the type you probably had.  Feeling mooched off of and narcissistic spouse, etc.  I wouldn't generalize your own mistakes and sad life to everyone else.  

good luck to all dealing with difficult crossroads in their lives.
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My point was that the clues for a failing  relationship become evident long before the day when a loved one moves out. The clues are there if you listen. In my case, they were embodied in all of the supportive ways that I encouraged personal growth and independence. I received resistance or nothing in return. I wanted a partner and, instead, i have another dependent. My situation is unique, but the failures started many years ago. Children kept us together but, as they mature, the failed relationship between my wife and I has become just all the more apparent. Sad to say that we are no longer each others person. After 22 years, I don't know quite how to end it.
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I am going through the same thing as you described here. Has there been any update, change, or hope for yourself? As I am lost, and need to know that it will be okay  ..... one way or the other.
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Hello everyone,

Our 32nd wedding anniversary is this week.  Last summer my husband announced that he wasn't in love with me.  He still loves me but he isn't in love with me.  

A friend suggested a book on mid-life crisis and it was immediately apparent that my husband was going through his MLC.  However, he refused to consider that this is what was happening.  He has now reconsidered.

He is adamant that he needs to move out of our house and be on his own.  And he is actively looking for an apartment.  (In which I hope he is completely miserable!)  

I have never in my life hurt so much.  I am trying to do what all the books tell you to do in these situations.  And the books are full of success stories.  My question to this group is - do any of you have a success story?  Has anyone had their husband leave and then realize he made a mistake and came back home?  Can anyone provide a sliver of hope?

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I am working through a mid life crisis and part of that is to re examine relationships and consider my future ... its normal for a man to do that.

My doctor's advice was to NOT make any decisions for a year
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I am wondering how many men go through this and regret their decisions.  Mine did the same to me after 28 years of marriage.  And he chose someone 14 years his Jr...although uneducated, ugly and fat.  I on the other hand, was educated, never let myself go and maintained a lovely clean home.  He married her.  I wonder if he has lived to regret it??  But I am sure he would never admit it.  I do feel sorry for him now - that is after cryiing a river and much therapy.
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Weird because my ex wife had an identity crisis, she went from a very conservative lady to smoking and getting tattoos almost over night ... she started drinking and using drugs and running around with girls half her age. Eventually she married a guy ten years younger, he makes no money and they live in a rented dump.

I make decent money, I have full custody of our kid ... I out right own my house and do not use any drugs or drink ...

I dont feel sorry for her, I am pissed at her ... my struggle is getting past being mad ...

Anyways, the point is that both men and woman can have identity crisis and what I have learned, is that if we can recognize thats what going on ... we can also be wise enough to NOT make important life decisions while in the midst of a crisis.

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1894410 tn?1364193655
Well, I have had the same journey, after 30 years marriage with a loving and happy man until his parents died and he has never been the same. He gave me the talk I love you but not in love with you talk, and he is now drinking and smoking and he had an affair with a 22yr old bimbo who went to high school with our daughter. It has been a year and half since then and I simply got on with my life, he left his family nothing, he took 200k from our bank account and we had to leave our country town because he was screwing her next door.
I will never understand what happens with these men, they are normal men and women and then bang, they turn into this selfish person. My ex is trying to get back his family but I just don't trust him at all and never will.

They blame everyone else, mind still can not work out what he did wrong and if I ask him any questions, he says I am pushing him. What a weak person he has turned into. All I know is I do not like the person he is know so I have to move on. The kids and I have become very close and I now have a grandson, I have bought us a home and we are on our way to a happy future with my ex. I am now going through the divorce and he is so shock that I would divorce him.
I want to move on and I would love to find love again in the future, I feel I have a lot of love to give. I really do not think anyone has the answers..good luck to anyone going through this hell.
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I am currnetly going throught the same mess. I have been married 32 yrs and was a loving, caring, cheerleader and partner to my husband. I have actually taken much better care of him and my boys than I took care of myself. I am truly sorry for that now. He started telling me how unhappy he was last year at this time, and I encouraged him to seek counseling for his ACOA issues. He did that , but was more and more distant and reclusive, hiding out in his den all the time and clinging to his side of the bed. He was cutting me off and just acting polite...it was killing me...so I told him it may be better if he moves out for a while..and he did....I had been very concerned about how suddenly this occured and knew there was a puzzle piece missing....he denied it and denied it, even citing that HE would never get involved with someone without first getting a divorce...blah blah blah... sure enough after 3 months of pressing him , he finally admitted there was someone else, he was starving to have those "feelings" again!  Well, I was devastated, and he was so self decieved, he actually thought our grown children would "understand" . He called and let them know right then...to make a long story short he was back that same week, he himself devastated....however, that sorrow was short lived and he became very depressed and left again a couple of weeks ago. He says he cut the other woman off cold turkey and is now living with his mother... but still doesn't love me...and it "doesn't look good"....I took vows that I intend to keep with the help of God! It is not easy, and I know I am powerless over anyone else, so I have to let go...completely...but marriage is a stong bond and I don't feel alone...I know I took those vows in the presence of God and that He works for the good of the family...He's a pretty great partner...as nothing is impossibe for Him! I don't know my outcome yet, but I trust that the present and the future is full of Hope. My twin siter went through a similar situation 20 yrs ago and waited 6 yrs for her husband to return, they are now a solid and amazing family, with 4 kids that are the most loving people alive! She persisted in prayer through a horrible and what seemed hopeless circumstance and came through.....We have prayed for many families through this kind of crisis, most have reconciled...don't lose HOPE
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1894410 tn?1364193655
Your story is so close to mine, I am so sorry you have been through this, I must say it was the most painful thing I have been through. My ex hubby now wants to see if he can fall in love with me, like I have done something wrong. Is this the same feelings you are getting, he will not talk about what has happened in the last year. I know he blames me for everything, if I was a better wife, mother, friend and housekeeper. Well I spoiled him rotten and that was the worse thing I could of done in hind sight because he is so wrap up in himself, he will never see the truth.  We had a wonderful marriage and he was a good husband and father, I would love to know what you have been thinking about spending the future with your ex. He has done many hurtful things and I do not know if I can get past it. How could I ever trust him, how could I make love to him, knowing where he has been. He lies now, he is really bad at it, but he is not the person a married, but is it better to work on it with him or just cut and run. I am very confused...would love your input.  Elvy..
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I am currently going through a similar situation. Married for 17 years, together for 20 years. We have two amazing children together. I was told one day that he loves, but is not in live with me. There's someone else and they have feelings for each other. He initially said we could work on things, which lasted a day. He saw her at work and then told me he was happier at work than at home because of the guilt. He told the kids that we always put them first and he wanted to put himself first now. So cruel and heartless. I don't even recognize him any more. He moved out and moved in with his parents, who he hasn't talked to in two years, as well as his sister (hadn't spoken to her in three years). He needed them as they are all lawyers. He didn't initially want to see the kids that much, but once he realized child support was effected based on the amount of time I had with the kids, his tune quickly changed. He has since had a vasectomy, not told to me directly. I found out accidentally. He has condom wrappers in his drawer, that my son has seen when he goes for visitation. He tells the kids they have to be nice to the "other woman." They have no interest in ever seeing her and asked me what I could do about it. It's such a helpless feeling. I feel a loss of our previous life, for what our family used to be. I stayed home for 14 years with the kids, only now to try and figure out finances and hopefully managing to stay in the house. He is very evil now and has such a sinister laugh now, wanting me to experience pain. I try to ignore him, as that seems the best way to deal with his ugly, selfish ways. He filed the divorce papers and has continued to try and blame me. I know this is his issue, but it is awful to see the kids go through this now. They are set up to see him for six days, starting Tuesday. Dealing with being apart from the kids is the worst part. This is worse than death. Death is final. This is an ongoing hell, as we will forever be bound by our two children. I pray for him, as I think that is the only thing that can help him now. It's awful. Awful to think how much time I vested in our marriage and how to start over again. I turn 40 this month...half of my life was shared with this man, who I don't even know any more. Very painful. Hoping the kids will be ok.
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PLZ PRAY FOR OURS. WE ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING.  I TOOK MY MARRIAGE VOWS SERIOUSLY AND FOR KEEPS IN FRONT OF GOD. PLZ PRAY MY HUSBAND SEES WHAT HE IS DOING AND STOPS THE CRAZINESS AND COMES BACK TO OUR FAMILY. OUR KIDS ARE 18,21,23 AND ARE DEVASTATED BY HI BEHAVIOR. WE SEPARATED IN NOV. AND WHEN HIS DAD PASSED IN DEC. WE STARTED TALKING AGAIN AND BECAME CLOSER AGAIN. STARTED WORKING ON US AND WHEN HE LOST HIS JO HE BECAME A DIFFERENT PERSON AND STARTED DRINKING AGAIN AND HANGING OUT WITH OLD FRIENDS AND THIS WOMAN FROM THE PAST NEEDLESS TO SAY SHES STIL AROUND AND THRS A THING BETWEEN THEM. KIDS WONT TALK TO HIM BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS FAMILY FOR HIS NEW WAY OF LIFE. I SEE HIM AND WERE TOGETHER""THEN GOES TO HER HOUSE THE NEXT DAY. TALKS TO HER AL THE TIME. SAYS WE HAD A BAD MORE THAN GOOD PAST. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20 YRS. AND I WONT GIVE UP. I KNOW HE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR ME, I CAN SEE IT. BUT THEN SHUTS THEM OFF AND BECOMES MEAN. PLZ PRAY HE SEES WHATS HES DOING TO ALL OF US AND COMES BACK TO HIS FAMILY. IM SO HURT AND CRIES ALL THE TIME. I CANT SEEM TO GET PAST THIS.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there.  this post is from 2008.  Please start your own thread for responses.  Go to the top of this page and hit ask a question.  Please turn cap lock off and we are happy to read someone's story and try to help them.  good luck and peace to all
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i agree with you, mine just left me after 22 yrs,I took care of him when he was sick , during all his surgeries and all of a sudden you come home from work and you don't love me anymore Really !  I am hurt and this this is worst than a women on menopause,,at least its just hot flashes , not breaking the entire family apart. I feel for you Goldie21
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Goldie I can sympathize with you. I am getting divorced after 40 years and I too say this should be the time of our lives when we should be enjoying the fruits of our labor and he is choosing to do it without me. He suddenly stopped talking to me 4 yrs ago and I have been waiting for him to wake up to what he would be losing but he hasn't. He made "best friends" with another woman...secretly went to key west with her in her RV and also was gone for 2 months at an RV repair camp with her.I had no idea where he was... He spoke not a word to me for 3 1/2 years. After 1 year I tried to speak to him and that is when I found out about the "friend" . I begged him to stay away from her because he had emotionally betrayed me...it was like I was being gutted. After hours of trying to make him see what he had done to me, he told me he couldn't do that to her! I felt like my heart was ripped out. In the past year, because I have filed for divorce, he has tried to reconcile but I find him still seeing his friend despite promising as of the filing, that he will not see her. The lies never end...he asks women to meet him for drinks and do other things with him but does little with me. Sometimes he will take me to breakfast on a weekend but I know he is going to ditch me later in the day no matter what I say to get him to stay and spend the time with me. I could go on but I am sure you get what I am saying. I can't figure how he could risk his marriage like this. I think he has become so entitled, that he thinks he can sweet talk me into thinking everything is fine, and still sneak around behind my back. I always find out what he is up to. My heart is broken, but I cannot live like this. You can't be with someone who doesn't treat you like you are the most important person in their life. I will not come last on the list to his many friends and activities he chooses to leave me out of. I am worth more than that. You are too. Relationships can't be one sided despite the length of time you have been together. Enjoy your children and grandchildren and keep your head high. He may regret his decisions but you cannot waste your life hoping he comes to his senses. We are all responsible for our ultimate happiness! Good luck! I know it hurts but be strong!
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