Aa
mid life crisis for men
I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why? The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore. He said I love you as a person, and respect you. This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him. Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him. I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.
Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
My story is so similiar to the ones I have seen posted here. My husband and I were together for over thirty years, since we were teen-agers. We were married for 22 years. Two years before my husband moved out he became very distant and secretive. I woke up once in the middle of the night for a drink of water, and saw his phone buzzing with a text message from a "work colleague" at 3am. When I confronted him, he said they were working on something. After that, he slept with his phone under his pillow and even took his phone to the bathroom with him. His phone and his ipad suddenly had a security code. I tried so hard for two years to figure out why my husband was disengaging from me and our three children. I suspected infidelity, but he constantly reassured me that things were fine and he just had alot of "work stress". I wanted so badly to believe him. On November 16th, 2010 I received an anomynous letter in the mail that he was sleeping with one of his "work colleagues". I was shattered. I also got the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech". We started marriage counseling, although he had the counselor tell me he wanted to move out. Our 13 year old daughter became anorexic from all of the stress in the house and she almost died. Even that didn't wake him up. We were in family therapy for her eating disorder and we came home from a session April 3, 2011. I ran to the store to pick up some lunch for the kids and him and when I came in the door he had his bags packed and told the kids he was moving out. He left me and his 13 year old daughter, 15 year old son and 10 year old son. He said he wanted to leave for awhile and he "couldn't do it anymore". I realized he was only thinking of himself, as our daugher was in the re-feeding process and her therapists said that there shouldn't be any changes to the family situation until she was medically stable. That didn't matter to him. He proceeded to tell me everyday how our marriage problems were all my fault. We went to a new marriage counselor, a woman, who was immediately charmed by him. She told me I wasn't interesting enough. You try being interesting when you are fighting for your child's life! We had the perfect marriage until he decided that I wasn't good enough. I put him through law school and paid the down payment on our family home. I have always been a very supportive wife, a good mother and am told that I look quite good for 47. In the past year, he has never made any effort to work on our marriage. I have cried a river of tears. I am running out of steam. I wanted to save our marriage, but I realize that I am married to a narcisist who only cares about himself. He hardly sees his kids, only one night a week at most, and the kids hate going with him. I think his affair is over now, but he blames me for everything wrong in his life. I am sick of being his defense mechanism. I am scared of divorce. I have been with him since I was 16 years old. I always thought we would grow old together. Right now he is living in a new townhouse and his rent is more than our mortgage payment. He threatens me telling me that he will get full custody of the kids. Since he is an attorney, he is very well-connected and I really don't trust the legal system because sometimes it is all who you know. Everyone who knows us is shocked as we were a great couple for so many years and it has all just fallen apart. Does anyone have any advise for me? Thank you.
Got your msg, that's cool.
read you wife's too! alot of what you said, about how you felt at the time, is exactly how my husband has been feeling. Like he was not a good father, or provider. He was and still is,.
i guess I just wanted to pick your brain, did you know your wife loved you before you left?
don't get me wrong , I know i am spitting in the wind, but I really do love my husband very much, and am prepared to fight tooth and nail to save our marriage, I just dont know if he is, I personally think he would die before going to any therapy, it has been suggested by everyone who knows and loves him, he simply does not think he has a problem. he looks relieved to be going, and thinks this woman who he first met the year before me , when he was young, who's presence he has been in for two days in 25 years, and who he has a basiclly cyber relationship with, is the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is ashamed of his behaviour, just not enough to sit back and take stock. i have told him that I will always love him, and if he goes and fails I will be there for him at the very least as his oldest and dearest friend. Any advice?
read you wife's too! alot of what you said, about how you felt at the time, is exactly how my husband has been feeling. Like he was not a good father, or provider. He was and still is,.
i guess I just wanted to pick your brain, did you know your wife loved you before you left?
don't get me wrong , I know i am spitting in the wind, but I really do love my husband very much, and am prepared to fight tooth and nail to save our marriage, I just dont know if he is, I personally think he would die before going to any therapy, it has been suggested by everyone who knows and loves him, he simply does not think he has a problem. he looks relieved to be going, and thinks this woman who he first met the year before me , when he was young, who's presence he has been in for two days in 25 years, and who he has a basiclly cyber relationship with, is the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is ashamed of his behaviour, just not enough to sit back and take stock. i have told him that I will always love him, and if he goes and fails I will be there for him at the very least as his oldest and dearest friend. Any advice?
COMMUNITY LEADER
And we must all come to your own. Mine is not yours but that is alright, right? good luck and peace.
It's just pain. That too shall pass.
No, it's not something that just popped up due to the divorce. Study and thinking plus observing sexual behavior leads to some interesting conclusions.
No, it's not something that just popped up due to the divorce. Study and thinking plus observing sexual behavior leads to some interesting conclusions.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am sorry for your experience and it sounds like you are still pained by it. I do disagree with you about marriage being against human nature. That sounds like something you've told yourself to heal your pain. Wishing you luck on your personal journey.
This is my first time posting on this site and, quite likely my last. I've spent the afternoon reading through people's stories while I pop around the house, cleaning and thinking about my own situation. Like a lot of others here I'm going through a divorce after a long relationship, having thought I found The One. I'm 49 and we were together 21 years and married 17.
I've shed my own river of tears while I've tried to figure out why the marriage is breaking up and what can be done to save it. No cheating was going on by either party, but we had grown apart and it was so obvious that a neon sign would not have been out of place.
The spouse moved out of the house in November and within days was dating. Last week she announced she's going steady with someone already and here I sit, tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper.
That's right: I'm the guy in this story. Two decades of us was tossed aside in a few weeks like we didn't exist and it feels like a freight train just decided to park itself on my heart.
From a detached point of view above my left shoulder I know this is exactly what needs to happen. I've shed a lot of tears over this and I'll happily shed more in the interest of getting through the process and to a better place on the other side.
From the emotional side of the brain though: ow! It's like that moment when you drop the frying pan on your big toe and your brain knows it's going to hurt like hell in a second. It hurts a hell of a lot know and it's going to hurt even more before this process is all over.
It doesn't help any that I instigated the process. Once we were best friends and got along famously, but the recent years we've simply coexisted as roommates. She was in a rut of work, home, and her iPad with no real hobbies other than cooking. She was clearly not happy with the situation, but was reluctant to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else.
So in her own self interest I pushed her out the door to spread her wings and see and enjoy life in all its wonders and diversity. It totally ***** for me in the interim, but I expect to be in the same place in another year or two and that will make it worth the effort.
That's the back story. The main reason I threw it out there is because I'm going to engage in some pop psychology that may not be popular. I'm not a professional psychologist, so feel free to take the following passages with sea salt.
There seems to be a common theme running through a lot of the stories here:
-Long time relationship
-Husband gets distant and usually has an affair
-Possible midlife crisis
-Spouse works hard to maintain the relationship
-Good social life
-In many cases the sex is still fantastic
So why do men chuck it all and take off for the hills in a new Porsche if things are going so well? They've got the perfect American dream and yet they're still not satisfied. What in the world could POSSIBLY be wrong with that scenario?
Here's your opportunity to load your shotgun with buck shot. I know I'll get a lot of flak for this one.
Because marriage goes again human nature. It's not natural for people to be married to one another their entire lives. We are programed to seek out variety and spread our genetic material as far and wide as possible.
In know I know... We're supposed to have nuclear families as two parents are the best way to raise children. And it's popular today to point at the divorce rate as an indicator of the downfall of society. But it's my belief that a lot more marriages could be saved and even strengthened if people would put aside thoughts of jealousy and not just allow, but encourage their spouse to date here and there. Negotiate the terms, of course, so everyone plays safe and no one comes home with any surprises.
Society expects everyone to get married and stay married to one person. The only problem with this standard contract is society isn't living your life for you. So many people find they're doing what society expects of them and yet they're still not happy. They don't know why though--just this creeping malaise that the pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit right. Next thing you know the Porsche is bought and he's off to California.
2415stunned, stop negotiating with the twit. Change the locks and put his luggage out in the driveway. He needs to pack it in and move on with his life before he drives you around the bend.
I've shed my own river of tears while I've tried to figure out why the marriage is breaking up and what can be done to save it. No cheating was going on by either party, but we had grown apart and it was so obvious that a neon sign would not have been out of place.
The spouse moved out of the house in November and within days was dating. Last week she announced she's going steady with someone already and here I sit, tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper.
That's right: I'm the guy in this story. Two decades of us was tossed aside in a few weeks like we didn't exist and it feels like a freight train just decided to park itself on my heart.
From a detached point of view above my left shoulder I know this is exactly what needs to happen. I've shed a lot of tears over this and I'll happily shed more in the interest of getting through the process and to a better place on the other side.
From the emotional side of the brain though: ow! It's like that moment when you drop the frying pan on your big toe and your brain knows it's going to hurt like hell in a second. It hurts a hell of a lot know and it's going to hurt even more before this process is all over.
It doesn't help any that I instigated the process. Once we were best friends and got along famously, but the recent years we've simply coexisted as roommates. She was in a rut of work, home, and her iPad with no real hobbies other than cooking. She was clearly not happy with the situation, but was reluctant to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else.
So in her own self interest I pushed her out the door to spread her wings and see and enjoy life in all its wonders and diversity. It totally ***** for me in the interim, but I expect to be in the same place in another year or two and that will make it worth the effort.
That's the back story. The main reason I threw it out there is because I'm going to engage in some pop psychology that may not be popular. I'm not a professional psychologist, so feel free to take the following passages with sea salt.
There seems to be a common theme running through a lot of the stories here:
-Long time relationship
-Husband gets distant and usually has an affair
-Possible midlife crisis
-Spouse works hard to maintain the relationship
-Good social life
-In many cases the sex is still fantastic
So why do men chuck it all and take off for the hills in a new Porsche if things are going so well? They've got the perfect American dream and yet they're still not satisfied. What in the world could POSSIBLY be wrong with that scenario?
Here's your opportunity to load your shotgun with buck shot. I know I'll get a lot of flak for this one.
Because marriage goes again human nature. It's not natural for people to be married to one another their entire lives. We are programed to seek out variety and spread our genetic material as far and wide as possible.
In know I know... We're supposed to have nuclear families as two parents are the best way to raise children. And it's popular today to point at the divorce rate as an indicator of the downfall of society. But it's my belief that a lot more marriages could be saved and even strengthened if people would put aside thoughts of jealousy and not just allow, but encourage their spouse to date here and there. Negotiate the terms, of course, so everyone plays safe and no one comes home with any surprises.
Society expects everyone to get married and stay married to one person. The only problem with this standard contract is society isn't living your life for you. So many people find they're doing what society expects of them and yet they're still not happy. They don't know why though--just this creeping malaise that the pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit right. Next thing you know the Porsche is bought and he's off to California.
2415stunned, stop negotiating with the twit. Change the locks and put his luggage out in the driveway. He needs to pack it in and move on with his life before he drives you around the bend.
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