I have been unable to ejaculate for about a year now, occasionally it happens if I masturbate but not at all with my new partner who I love dearly. We have brilliant sex apart from this, is there any hope or treatment? I lost my wife a year ago to cancer, but the problem had been occasionally present before then. It is causing frustration and distress as it continues. I also have errection problems but have occasionally used viagra which works for that but I just get to the point when I should ejuculate and just hang there .
First, my condolences on the loss of your wife. I’m going to list all the possible reasons for your concern, but one possible contributing factor is obvious to me.
I see that you’re using your wife’s screen name, even though she’s gone. Has it occurred to you that you aren’t through mourning her and aren’t yet ready to let her go? Perhaps you’re feeling guilty about your new love? This is quite understandable. It takes time to move on. You may love your new partner, but your wife is still with you; hence, your inhibition. You might want to look at this and make your peace with it so you can begin the rest of your life.
Here are some other possible contributing factors, not only to not having orgasms with a partner, but also to erection concerns.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
You may have always had some negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. Remove any thoughts that contribute to feeling anxious. Just relax and enjoy whatever pleasurable feelings arise when you’re touched by your partner. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I just noticed your age. There ARE some age-related physical factors that may be in play as well. So, as a bonus, here's some age-related information for you:
When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. As you age, you’ll find that you need more direct touch and stimulation. This is just part of life and doesn’t indicate any underlying condition to worry about.
Also as part of the aging process, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. Again, this is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life. Sexual interest ebbs and flows as well, depending on other circumstances in your life. Also realize the more stress you’re under, the less energy your body has to respond sexually, so stop worrying!
Janice gave you some great advise:
I wonder why there is so much penile fixation on the part of us men,when whatever two people do together is "Sex". From hugging, to touching, to kissing in or out of the bedroom. Have you ever considered that both gender have ten penises on the end of their arms, and the best one within their mouths. No dull, blunt penis can ever do what a tongue can do to the whole body,and the genitals in general,in oral sex. So a penis doesn't work all of the time,it is just that unreliable. And you end up with Penile-Performance-Anxiety. Well, An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm regardless of how it is induced. And to me who has always had an Ed problem most of my life.Well, Feeling like half a man is better than feeling like a total failure in the bedroom. Besides going down on a woman is the nicest way to say, "I love you".
The first two comments make a lot of sense. Have you been checked out by a urologist to see if perhaps you are beginning to have prostate problems? I suggest a good physical by your doctor and don't be afraid or ashamed to ask any questions. That's what doctors are for! As far as the last comment "feeling like half a man ..." I don't agree with that wording. You are NOT a half of man. Being sexual does not make you a man.
My husband has been unable to make love for 25 years! He's been checked out and found out his prostate gland was the size of an orange instead of the normal size of a walnut. So surgery was done. It did not fix the problem. We had his testosterone levels checked and they were low. Now that they are normal (I give him hormone injections every 2-3 weeks), still no activity. So we are still working on finding out why. He'll be 69 in August. It is never too late to get help.
At least you are able to "perform" with your new partner. Like Janice stated, you could be feeling a little guilty because you may feel like you are "cheating" on her. Of course that is not true, but our minds can do wonders that negatively affect our bodies.
So, try getting a good check up, especially your prostate area. Also, as men get older, the flow of blood may not be that great anymore. Perhaps when you get an erection, some of the blood flows backwards and you lose part of the erection. This is probably why medication like Viagra works well for you.
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