Dealing With Miscarriage: Lending and Receiving Support

[SueGre]

Some of you may know my story already, but I wanted to share it again as a means to give and receive support in dealing with loss and miscarriage.

We lost our little boy in August 2007, at 20 weeks. He would have been due on December 20th, 2008. His name would have been Aidan Michael

It has been 6 months since our loss and although our daily life is really good and very happy, I am still suffering from this loss. I have a melt-down about every 2 weeks or so, always at night when I'm tired, and bawl for about half an hour. My OB says it's very possible that this emotional strain could actually keep me from getting pregnant again. Even though my DH and I have an amazing marriage and incredible communication, my OB recommended I speak to someone. So, I've made a call to a therapist I know and am waiting to hear back from her.

I know this is the Fertility Forum and not a Loss/Grieving Forum, but a lot of us here are specifically dealing with the loss of babies and I thought this would be a good place to offer my support and to ask for support from others who have experienced losses of their own.

Hugs,

Sue

[Jen7900]

I too had a miscarriage in 2006, and although it was early in the pregnancy (9wks) I felt numb. In fact I only cried one time. And to make it all worse, I found out I needed emergency surgery to remove half my colon only 2 weeks later. Because of some serious complications we were forced to wait almost one year before TTC again. If only i knew of MedHelp and all of you back then. Now we have been ttc for 8 months with no success, but because of all of you I somehow manage to make it thru even the most stressful of days. There is definitely value in talking to a therapist (I am a psychologist myself), but I personally have felt some amazing support and comraderie on this site - something I couldn't even share with some of the people in my life.

Sue - I have kept up on your story and am rooting for you. While it is important to grieve, it is also important to look forward. Allow yourself to grieve at times and try to be positive the rest of the time. I know you've got it in you cuz i've seen some of your funny posts - it was one of the things about you that drew me to follow your story!

Tomorrow is my 2nd IUI and we are hoping for good news this month; not only for a BFP, but for a BFP that sticks. I will keep you posted and hope that you all will keep me posted on your news (either way)!

Best,
jen

[pcarsey]

Ahhh Sue, You know I have always rooted for you!! I still do.. You have to believe it WILL happen for you! As it WILL for all those still TTC! I have faith that it will be your turn sooner or later (sooner rather then later!)
       My story is a little different then some, It happened right after I got my tubal reversal. We were to wait 6 weeks and we had an accident and got pregnant right away. I was so happy and Ohhh so scared at the same time! How could we be so careless? Why didn't we just listen to the doctors and wait the whole time before even BDing? I kicked myself so hard all the time!! My daughters friend had her baby and he was SOOO cute and I would just love on him every time I saw him! Oh the chubby cheeks and all.. made me appreciate actually being pregnant regardless if we waited or not. He was just about 8 weeks and died of SIDS.. OMG I was absolutely devastated!! Then it all hit me, the worry, omg, I should have waited, it was way too soon, I know I'm going to lose this baby, I just know it I just know itttttttttt !!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! I could NOT stop worrying!! Then when I was about 10 weeks, we were moving into our new house, and I was pregnant, life could not be better! The very same night we moved in.. we were in bed, I started feeling like something wasn't right, then the pain hit me and I thought something was trying to crawl out of me and felt like I was dying! My husband rushed me to the hospital! After many hours we finally were rushed into surgery and lost the baby, along with several pints of blood from internal bleeding! It was a mess! You know I came out blaming myself, for whatever reason I could think of! And then I didn't want to try again because I could not get this other baby out of my head, why would such a precious thing die of something so painless? It (nothing) made sense to me!! Then I turned all that worrying inward and shut down! I didn't come on Medhelp.. I stopped talking to my husband, I couldn't get interested in what my daughter or son would talk to me about.. I completely lost it! My husband finally talked me into talking to someone. I figured everything out and finally got to a place where although I still didn't like the things that had happened, I was at a place of acceptance! Sometimes we never know the reasons why things happen the way they do, and sometimes even when we know, we don't have to like it. But we have to know that we can not control everything and although it is really painful, we just all have to go through some things in our life that just does NOT make sense! I absolutely hated life after I lost that baby! Because I could not understand why it happened to ME?!?! I truly feel your pain! I really do and I pray every night that you are blessed with a healthy and happy pregnancy every night! I am still sending you lots of Hugs, Love, and Extra Sticky Baby Dust!!

Sorry this is so long.. just wanted you to know where I was coming from!

Patty

[KellyV]

Hi Everyone,

I'm so glad this forum was created. I'm been thinking about getting couseling as well. I've have 4 miscarriages in the last 2 years. It's been an emotional roller coaster. We've done all of the tests (sometimes twice) and everything came back normal. I'm think I'm still young for baby bearing years- 32 but maybe I waiting too long. Our last baby we lost at 10 weeks and they were finally able to tell us there was a problem-XXY. Too many chromosomes. Our doctor said that we shouldn't try on our own anymore and go to IVF with PGD. This would be nice if we could afford the $21k for a 50% shot.. So now my husband and I are left with facing a childless life just because we can afford the procedure. We thought of adoption but that costs a lot too (15-20k). I also have this weird feeling that I want to have my own child. I guess I'm selfish that way. I'm having the worst time dealing with this. Usually after each miscarriage I had some hope to try again but now we really have to face reality. I have a really dump question since I've never been to couseling, what type of couselor do you contact for this? A loss couselor? Do they have couselors that specialize in miscarriages?? I think I will need to look into this.

[me2angels]

Best of luck to you.

FYI, Recurrent cases of chromosomal problems can be avoided by PGD just in case you will consider IVF in the future.

[SueGre]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. It really stays with you, doesn't it? It's been 6 months for us and I am still struggling with this. I'm so glad to know you have another child. I just feel like we could move forward and feel so much better if we could get pregnant again. Then we could feel less sad and just be excited again. But I think the pressure to get pregnant may be keeping us from getting there. I should O in a few days but I'm considering taking this month off to reduce the stress. We got pregnant last year in March so maybe again this year in March.

Big Hugs,

Sue

[SueGre]

Hi Jennifer. Thank you so much for your post. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Do you know the cause of your loss? I think knowing the cause made it a little bit easier for us. I don't know how much I believe in heaven, but if it's real, then maybe your little girl and my little boy are up there playing together. I think that sounds really nice. Maybe they are holding hands and giggling. This makes me smile. I hope it makes you smile, too.

Big Hugs,

Sue

[SueGre]

I have been following your recent posts and to be honest I was so saddened by them I couldn't respond. My heart is just aching for you and your family. I can't believe what you have been through. My thoughts are with you and I am sending encouragement and good wishes and strength your way.

Big Hugs,

Sue

[SueGre]

Thank you so much for your post. It is so hard, isn't it? I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Wow. 4 1/2 years. I don't think I could handle that. You must be very strong. Thank
God for your two little girls. What a blessing to have them! I know what you mean about being sad around other babies, especially newborns. My friend had her shower and we just couldn't go. She delivered recently but haven't heard from them yet and I am curious but also don't want to know. I want to see her baby, but also don't. Good thing is, she understands.

The therapist I contacted is away for school vacation as she has 2 kids, so I anticipate hearing back from her next week. I really look forward to the healing process. I need it so badly.

~Sue

[SueGre]

Hi. I think there is some truth to what my OB said, I just don't think it will definitively keep me from getting pregnant again, it just may delay it.

Our baby had a very rare chromosomal problem. Two of his chromosomes translocated, which means four chromosomes exchanged information with each other. His body began filling with fluid and he died.

I really appreciate you mentioning the women who have conceived in times of stress. It keeps me hopeful! We really don't have too much problem getting pregnant as we conceived in 5 months at age 39. I'm 40 now and we've been trying for only 3 months. We conceived last year in March, so maybe this March again? That would be good.

~Sue

[sibs]

i lost my first pregnancy at 15 weeks due to a problem found at the 12 wk scan which was undiagnosed till my baby died in the womb at 15weeks it was a little girl and although it has been 5 years and i now have a 3 yr old boy it still hurts as much as it did back 5 yrs ago and the comment i most hated hearing was you are young you will have another baby but another baby does not replace the one lost i still remember her due date every year god give patience and strength to all those who have lost a lttle angel take care ladies

[me2angels]

You should indeed talk to proffesionals.

I don't agree with your OB. Women who were raped got pregnant. Women got pregnant during war. The cause is not your grieving or stress.

Why have you lost your baby boy? Do you know the reason?
If you don't know the reason please do some blood tests to see your coagulation, such as factor 5 leiden, check for APLA etc.

Good luck.

[40smama]

Hi Sue -

Just thought I would share that I too lost a baby girl at 18-19 weeks.  Going to counseling was the best thing I've ever done for myself - it helped me to face lots of issues as well as getting through the grieving process.  I pray that you get the help you deserve - you've been through a lot! - jennifer

[desparado]

This is exactly what I appreciate with this forum the ability to share and to encourage each other. I just recently had a miscarriage very early on but after trying for 4 1/2 years a loss is difficult at any stage but I can only imagine how much more difficult it was for you since you were further along than me. I am glad you'll be seeing a therapist to help you walk through this loss cause there's no such thing as getting over something like this you have to walk through it step by step. I'm not sure if you are spiritual but never the less I believe
in the power of prayer and faith and regardless of your beliefs baby Aidan Michael brought you so much joy even for a short time and he will always be a part of your lives.

Your family deserves to be at peace and I only wish all of God's blessings for you
Take care

[lhughes]

I'm so glad you are going to a therapist.  We lost our first baby (after 3 years of ttc) at 8 weeks, which I know isn't much in the length of time, but it was our baby ne'er the less.  I did the same things you are saying.  I cried all the way to work (which is an hours drive), cried when I heard sad songs on the radio, cried with commercials, cried just any old time.  It hurts terribly.

I ended up going to counceling for about 4 months.  My therapist was wonderful and helped me sort out my issues and start facing life again.  She got us back into a church.  And I still cried for the longest time every time a baby got baptised.  Some times I couldn't sit through it.  But eventually, EVENTUALLY, the pain lessened.  His/her birthday would have been on my birthday of 2003 and I still think about that lost baby.  Even with my two precious girls that we finally did conceive, I still think about the one we lost.  You probably always will, too.  But the thoughts go from grief to just simple sadness.

I'm glad you are seeking help.  I hope you get the help you need and get back into feeling more at peace with this.  It's so difficult, you were further along than I, so I imagine your pain must be so much greater.  I'm so sorry for your loss and for your family.