Hi, I'm only 23, I've been through hell in my life. I experienced a traumatic childhood, my dad was an alcoholic and used to rape and physically and emotionally abuse my mum, sometimes in front of us. He went on to sexually abuse me and I ended up growing up differently to other kids due to my dysfunctional family. We left my dad but the effects my childhood had on me caused me to have Borderline Personality Disorder and self harm. I was also rubbish around men and obviously very vulnerable. I was bullied throughout school and chauvinistic men targeted me. I ended up in a similar relationship to my mum and Dads for 4 years and have also been raped and sexually attacked on two other occasions.
To top it all off I lost my periods, they stopped completely in January. I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism but my ovaries are messed up now as well and apparently that is a separate problem. I have had blood tests and ultrasounds and they think I have ovarian failure i.e. premature menopause. I paid loads of money for a private tests to see how many eggs there are in my ovarian reserve and I do have a lot so that is a bit reassuring. But I can't help feel depressed about the whole thing I am so maternal and all I want in life is children. This is making me feel like it will be so difficult for me to conceive and does that mean I am restricted in the amount of children I can have?
I have been suicidal because of the heartache of the possibility of being infertile or unable to conceive. I am in so much pain because as I said it was my dream for kids and now the chances are slipping. I don't know how it works but they said they will have to freeze what eggs I have but I don't trust them, I don't trust someone else looking after them and taking them out of me. I just wish I could do it all naturally. I'd get pregnant now if my partner agreed to it but he isn't ready. It is all I want desperately though I wish he would just say yes so I can at least have one, solve all this anxiety now. I'm ready, my body is ready.
How do other people cope with this kind of thing? I am self harming and relapsing because this is the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life. Can anyone give any advice to me?